Living Truthfully Within


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Thanks for the smile Channingbee. It's nice to know I'm not speaking to a void lol.


I have been quiet here because even though I have been on a few dates with possible polyamorous accepting peeps nothing substantial has come about with any of them. I keep running into the same issue with dating is that I insist on going slow sexually and everyone who seems cool and interested asks for "sexy pics" in the fist few days of talking. Which just isn't ok with me. I never give sexy pics to anyone unless I have been with them over a year. That's just my personal policy to keep my body safe online and not have possible pics flamed everywhere!

It's just not my kink and not my thing and I am not uncomfortable with my body (though there may be some shame lurking in there somewhere), its just I don't feel the desire or need to share it with the whole world. It's probably why I haven't done group sex or anything like that.

Would my feelings on this change if I had a body I liked more? That was more within what I view as ideal? I don't know. I still think i'm likely to just get cold and uncomfortable regardless. I also am not one to walk around my house naked for no reason, or much after sex. It could be a temperature thing, I seem to always be cold in weather below 85F. Even in the summer of AZ I was wearing long trousers.

Also its slightly different rituals here to me. I remember in uk getting a lot of unsolicited dick pics but hardly ever asked for a "sexy pic" of myself. But here i get asked a lot more for my own pics and get less dick pics? I need a shrug emoji. lol. :confused::confused:

And I just have less patience for the whole thing right now. I think I'm enjoying going out on a date, or a few dates, but I don't want to have casual sex, or one night stands, unless i'm absolutely been ages since i had sex (6 months or more). So I'm trying to foster friendship with these dudes first, and then see where it goes.

Why was this so easy at the beginning with Rocky and so difficult where everyone else? :confused::confused:


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Not a void, Starlight.


Active member
Thanks Evie <3 :) Always more hugs welcome! :D

I have fantastic news today. Yesterday I went to an "assessment" for a possible interview. And on the same day, did a first interview, a second interview, a panel interview, then drug test and acceptance letter. It took into total about 6.5 hours. But I'm SOOO thrilled. It's the most respected and well paid job I've had yet and I can't wait to start. The next training round will be on the 15th! Yay!

I can't even say. I am finally not going to be poor. And in preparation for running into my PTSD triggers, because I will have them, I am searching a local psychologist who works with PTSD an returning to work. specifically EMDR and CBT/ Acceptance and commitment processes so that its present/future focused and not backwards focused. I really have NO desire to go back over ALL the things I have over come.

Also it means should I pass training in 6 weeks, that I will have a longer contract and not "at will". And I will be able to save very quickly for a car. ALSO, I'll be able to afford the home I own if my mother should be a total jerk and leave.

I haven't posted since our big row on Tuesday. I went over to theirs monday night and I just got *So sick* of the way she treats me that i stood up for myself and I said she was being emotionally abusive to me.

As you can imagine this didn't go over well and by the end of it I had started walking back in the middle of the day, in AZ to my new home, 7 miles. My step dad found me and picked me up 1 mile in. He was trying to reassure me it would blow over. But if you all remember in 2015 how court went down for me. I really dont think I'm going to get over that very well. And her being part of the reason I lost my kids. Yeah...just no.

God the house I am in now is such a refuge. It's so calm and peaceful and so similar to my own lifestyle. I feel so accepted here. I have fully and proudly relaxed around landon and we sit and have chit chats now. Mostly were quite similar in our work ethic. Work side by side by quietly doing out own thing. I might do dishes and he does pruning. Or I might read a book and hes watching something on youtube. We co-exist very peaceably. And its the best I can hope for. I no longer jump when he comes in the room or worry about anxiety driven things. we also do surprisingly small things for each other without realising (its in our natures), I folded up their laundry the other day to use the drier. He put my food in tupperware and did my dishes before I had cleaned up on girls night.

I am super happy with how my life is running right now and I really hope I can stay here longer. I think I have earnt respect for myself and with my friends for working so hard and landing this job. :D

Every day my anxiety improves as I take measures to minimise "toxic people" (To me..they themselves aren't necessarily toxic, just to me they are), and to bring into my life people who aren't toxic.

Rocky has become less of a toxic person lately as he has kept his commitments to talk to me. And that has been nice. We talk on whatsapp video where before he hated being on video. I know I know he seems like hes not a good person for me, but fuck it, i am going to keep him in my life, even as a friend...because for me he is right now. And we are both working on trying to extricate the dysfunctional bits. (I had my own dysfunction of running away too...)

I have another possible OKC person I am seeing tonight. I feel..unenthused because he is one of those "keep wanting to jump the guy with sex". So I am just going for a drink, and leave it at that. He wants to rush rush rush and I'm like, wheres the fire? Maybe its because I already have so many of my emotional needs met that unless I find someone pretty spectacular I don't want to jump into any relationships. :)

Regardless of Rocky's issues, no one has lived up to his level of communication and boundary respect. And no it's not a low bar, because for every time he let me down there's other times he didn't. Also I didn't know the full extent of the situation on his end where his mothers and sister financial future are at stake. (The difference between having a future they can relax in and enjoy, and being homeless/ kicked out from their culture/society.- And that really in many ways Rocky experienced the same type of control and manipulation from his father and uncle that I did with my mum and ex husband.) To know he was trying to save all these people important to him and had no spoons to spare for me? Well that makes the whole picture entirely different.

Plus we just went through some crazy stuff together. No one out here knows my kids or that part of me. No one here knows about life in the UK, or my past..I just feel like big chunks of me are missing from the puzzle for people here so it makes it hard to connect when honestly all I want is him still. Sigh.


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Congratulations on the job!


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Thanks Evie! :D Yeah it was really sudden and I am pleasantly surprised by it all, I am so thrilled to be a full time worker.

So My first week at job! No triggers (yet), also no anxiety or discomfort. I feel like, I am not pretending either. I spent the first two days biking two and from work, but with triple digits on way back home, I asked a lady in my training if she'd drop me back. So she did, and we are becoming friends.
This means I now only walk to work and get lift home. But I am loving walking to work every day. I think it's one of my favourite parts of day. Since I start so early, (430 am walking, and 530 at work) I get to enjoy the sunrise over the mountains and start my day off in the right mental state. :D It's super awesome and makes me feel really good.

I love the new job, I have been part of a few call centers in my past, but this one by far is the best. I've interviewed and tested out insurance ones, survey ones and dictation ones. Although the dictation one was the most interesting to learn I couldn't cope with the policies there of never speaking up if someone was abused/hurt/etc...just to dictate. That went against my own personal ethos.

As for personal life, I have been on lots of first dates, nothing noteworthy, and no names going down here. I seem to get around date 3/4 and find a deal breaker for me. Usually in the form of them pressing for sex, and me sticking to my boundaries of no sex yet. It's not that i'm sex shaming or that I don't enjoy sex, I just want to get to know someone organically. One person just wouldn't hear no so I pulled the card of "I am an incest survivor go slow!". But really I shouldn't NEED to tell anyone that on a second date just to have a simple boundary of no sex until I'm ready respected. :confused:

I did ask a dude I work with to "hang out", we sit next to each other in class and are really chatty. We have the same type of humour, and we both did a lot of similar things in life, he is currently caring for his mum who is ill with breast cancer, and working this job and taking time off from finishing his masters in horticultural work. But more than anything, I find that we pass each other in hall or other places and our eyes lock and it's like..shivers run all the way down to my toes. He has the most soulful eyes and he's very very interesting to me. He asked me for my number first then I invited to him to "hang out with my friends". I don't want to friendzone him but I don't want to go fast on a work place thing, especially since upper management has very strongly hinted at me moving up fairly quickly.

My friends thing is on tuesday and I'm looking forward to seeing my work friend there. :) There's definitely a connection but with the way my dating has been lately, I am not holding my breath hahahaha. I think he and I both are kinda doubting ourselves with stuff too. I offered to help him with his mum when I get a car...

Oh that's the other thing, I'm getting my first USA car in 6 weeks. I bought one a few years back in UK, but I have never bought one in USA before, it's like doing the passage of rights all over again! Kinda exciting!!

Also ...
I seem to be quite popular with the guys in class as well, but I'm trying to remember the role play Ariel and I did about workplace boundaries, crossing my arms or not being overly friendly as that can be mistaken for flirting. I guess I am most friendly to the person I sit next to, but I've been being work place courted by a few guys, given cookies, numbers, offered lifts to work, etc. And yeah..dunno what that's about. I've never been this popular in school or microcosmos before. They will get over the new shiny soon enough. lol. Perhaps it's that, this is a small town and everyone seems to know each other by 3 degrees of separation, so I am just an unknown factor that way. :)


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Hey Everyone! Been a little while since an update.

Casually dating around is still happening while working..

The guy I was unenthused about, that I had to stop him from pressuring me with sex, I will name him,...Jesse. He and I are still texting but I don't feel a huge strong connection there. Physically we don't mesh well in terms of body types. I mean I am his type but he's not mine if that makes sense. Also I think hes cheating, the more I get to know him, the more yellow almost red flags I see with his life being SOOO compartmentalised. The standard never pick up phone when rings, keeping different messaging apps - ie we talk on whatsapp and he has it ticked so people cant see when hes online or sees messages or responds to them. Just weird controlling stuff like that. I think we might go on a 4th date or I might let it fizzle and die.

I found a place to rent on the 1st. And the car hutning continues, as its only a few weeks away until I can buy one! Yay!

The half of the apartment (room and own bathroom) is within budget and would be with a classmate from work who I will name Benson.

All that work I did the past few years working on living with men makes me feel pretty confident about this dude. He works two jobs and a dad so he's going to be busy a lot, and he has no hard and fast rules in his home like looking at with living with couple or people who have lived somewhere a really long time. So he's open to negotiating new boundaries and decorating and settling in stuff.

He also randomly happens to be the other poly person in my training class. :D

So we've had a lot of surprising friendly conversations. He's active in his BDSM circles, and is a local so knows both the swinging and poly overlap worlds and has practiced ethical non-monogamy for years. So it's refreshing to meet someone close to my age with such similar life experiences and it feels like another "tribe" person in my larger network.

And because of my commitment to not jump into bed with people anymore, I am organically getting to know so many people who I feel safe around, in work, online, friends etc.

The guy I am romantically interested in that I sit next to, (Lets name him Arrow) we have been texting back and forth all week after work. He's a bit younger than me, though so now I'm a little uncertain even though we pretty much hang out all the time at work (on breaks and at lunch). I sit with him and Benson, and a few other. Hes very very intelligent and I often watch him do chess matches during lunch break...or other things like this. He's the horticulturalist who is taking care of his mum. We both are artists and in our down time of both of us being top of class (we get bored) we sit and make pictures in paint. Also weirdly both him and benson have become really tight and I just found out were talking about me...:D:D:D

Benson told me "I just wanted him to know I wasn't making any moves on you if he wanted to get with you." I was like..aww you're such a cool dude. :D

I am really glad I'll have space with Ariel to be closer friends by not having the overlap of living together. For her it brought us CLOSER, for me it was starting to pull me away. She loves me living her b.t.w. and is sad I am leaving.

But that's because I am genuinely kind to her. Being this close however to her relationship with Landon isn't healthy for me to watch long term. He's fairly kind to me and his GF(95% of the time), but he is very passive aggressive with Ariel and I keep biting my tongue because she wouldn't welcome me interjecting on these situations.

And I am losing a lot of respect for Landon right now because of it. It's a lot of little gaslighting/ passive aggressive digs that kinda make me think they need to go to counselling together. It's not like all the time though and it's incredibly subtle, so it's hard to pick up on unless you know them really well, so instead of making waves because I would eventually stand up to it... (especially once it spilled over to me because it would ...) I am staying with the Benson on a rolling month to month contract that I can get out of very easily if that place doesn't work out too.

But frankly most of my adult choices in people are 100 times healthier than my mother and x hubs, and I am pretty confident in my ability to tell the difference between my own PTSD triggers with men and men who are just has some issues towards women (or one woman).

They (Ariel and Landon) originally entered poly through cheating a few years back, (on his end he cheated and she almost left him) so I think there's some underlying anger that its ok for her to be poly but not ok for him to be? Or something. He's sorta the house-husband and has less drive and ambition to work and is kinda kept by her, so I do see some anger that reminds me of when I was married and dependent on someone financially and not equally but not getting my own needs met and yet was unable to talk about those needs. So it could just be that too.

I am trying to encourage him to be more direct, but we'll see. I can't see how he can't be direct with her because she is SO even tempered. She doesn't have outbursts of anger, and she is kind and patient and logical. But then i've never seen them argue so I have no idea how they argue outside of passive aggressiveness.

Here's a good recent example. He sent out a message on a social network site that was a meme about how you come home to people having done housework and they do it wrong. And her response was -.- emoji's. I don't know if that was directed at me or her, to be honest. I just ignored it. But it's dumb things like that rather than just telling either of us or both of us directly he'd like something cleaned a certain way?

Ok jumping back to Benson and Arrow...
He's a part time dad, lives about 10 mins away, near to work, has been giving me lifts in the morning for the past few days, and also works a second job selling homes. He's really funny and he came over last night and hung out with me till 1 am playing cards and talking about life. :) I had a really good time. I wanted to get to know him before moving in, so I asked a lot of personal questions and revealed my PTSD/Men triggers so he had time to understand what I can and cannot do in the living in situation. Because of his background as a dom, we basically formed a living situation work sheet checklist and safe word to keep boundaries in the home similar to what you would have for a BDSM contract.

And because of my experience (and his) about living with peopel we both had a lot of similar category concerns and overlaps.
Here's what we came up with:

1) The house is a sacred space to be ourselves, in the poly and bdsm and/or swinging world.

2) By entering into living together we agree we have brought each other into an "inner circle" and separation of work life and private life is the most important rule. Since we work at and live at the same space.

3) He agreed not to put his dick in crazy IN the house...., he also gave me full disclosure on his ex wife and ex gf why the left and if they were likely to cause me grief simply by virtue of being a female poly roommate.

4) We agreed that kids are a sacred time and we give each other space to enjoy our own kids time (obviously mine will be a lot less because mine are out of country).

5) we agree to personal boundaries of space, food, what can be shared what can't. (seperate cubbards, coomunal food, writing up chores rotating lists, and respect of each other bedrooms and personal bathrooms.)

6) We agreed to a hard and fast rule of no drugs, except legal marijuana. (or the occasional vaper who is a friend/playmate/partner)

7) No communal area sex when a person is likely to come home, (exception are pre-agreed upon times when we both clear out for a time, vacay etc.)

8)We respect and openly honestly communicate limitations, agreement violations, and disagreements promptly. E.G., his is OCD and being a dom, and mine is PTSD and my poly relationships. In lieu of being able to directly speak (For example on mothers day for me i might be too emotional) we agree to text message. We both have a background in learning some psychology, he took courses at university, and I took a lot of therapy/ NVC classes.

9) He agreed to not use me for free labour of childcare and pet care, or exploit my natural nurturing past. If he did I would be taking it out rent/bills for my time. :D

10) Agreed to amount of payment, day of payment, and all the legal work being written down as a sublet agreement for me to sign including not having my address as this place, and access to carport, pool, gym, laundry, wifi, etc.

I feel like I think I've covered everything so far...with what we agreed!

So after spending way late into the night laughing, drinking lemonade playing cards and generally just bonding, and going through ALL these things, it felt a little overwhelming for both of us and he went home.

Then Saturday Arrow is coming over, the romantic interest, and we'll see how that works out. It's probably going to be quite similar to my time with Benson, all three of us are the geeky people in class, and we tend to talk all sorts of weird stuff, testing each others intelligence and making obscure jokes and generally just enjoying life. I told Arrow I am poly, so everything is out there. So far this has been met with curiosity and banter. So it'll be an interesting evening for sure. He said he'd bring some alcohol and I'm really excited. :D He's tall and cute and interesting and so kind to me at work with this kinda shy exterior that hides a wicked sense of humour and nurturing background. :) He's very very interesting to me.


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So Arrow didn't show up, but this was OK we decided just friends. He did ask me to host a pool party for him in August. :) I will definitely be doing that!
It's also ok because romantically I have reconsidered because I just found out he's 22....thats kinda my hard limit rule of being closer to my kids age than mine... :eek::rolleyes: Yup so my series of unavailable and just not quite right people continue.

But still having a lot of friends is awesome for me and I am happy where life is.

I move out on the 5th, it's now official. Woot. I sign the paperwork on the day.

Oh, something else really great happened yesterday, and it's completely because of my boundary practice and assertion- and also Rocky's stopping being afraid of being himself.

So I basically told Rocky I wouldn't be visiting him at all in november if I was secret in any form. And I said this included roommates and his facebook. And my conditions on this were not re-introducing me with any title (Ex or gf, or friend) just as Star (Insert real name lol). I said, just tell them: "You remember [Star], right?".

And he agreed and HE added me to FB, of course I had to unblock him first. I think that's the first time ANYONE has ever come off my block list. Look at me go. You know it says a lot about his growth that he's not hiding parts of himself anymore, and more importantly it says a lot about mine about how strict I have been with healthy communication, boundaries and respecting myself recently. :D

I've been watching a lot of youtubes on how to deal with Narcissists, and how to recover from any "fleas" I may have had because of growing up with one.... As well as setting healthy boundaries. I found some awesome insight and been practicing a lot! :D So it's nice to see it's actually working with all the people around me.

It's also spilled over into my relating with ex-hubs and kids. Shooting star is treating me so respectfully, and Rosebud is gaining confidence in herself and life... I also started talking to them on sundays instead of wednesdays because of conflicting schedules and they wanted more than 30 mins with me. Today was talking about budgeting and earning money. Also we talked about exchange rates and how to be responsible with money. Then I watched Rosebud play games, and Shooting star I played a game with her on Roblox.

Benson came by again yesterday as well and we chilled for about two hours. Sex happened. Which I initiated in a hell yes sorta way. I think he was kinda shocked. I've been so selective on sex recently, that I knew when I found someone I trusted I wanted that. He didn't disappoint. ;) He's more dom than sub but he totally let me take control this time because he knew it was such a big deal to me to let my walls down and whoa did my libido come out to play.

I had the one person last month, but other than that no one for a year... And that wasn't exactly the best sex i've ever had, technically it was all OK but, it was nothing I'd be shouting from the rooftops about.

This one however...whew. It was fantastic. After I satisfied myself on top, multiple times, he took me from behind holding my hair and giving me some very nice bruises on my bum. I am still pleasantly sore, he also was very good at aftercare as I was worried since I triggered so badly with Irish coffee in the past I'd have that issue again, but I didn't this time, and he was good at controlling himself, in fact we're quite similar that way.

I definitely wouldn't call this a relationship as such as mutual convenience and it does add a layer of complexity to the living in situation but not too much as I have like zero romantic feels for him at this time, just a lot of respect. And we said we'd talk about it later on either stopping sex, or renegotiating boundaries at that point. (And or me moving out if necessary because, could be awkward?) It was super easy conversation and I'm really happy for how clear and direct we both are. He also seems relieved. :)

Mmmm fantastic sex. Yay. :D My life is good right now! And that was just the first sex...yeesh definitely excited to see how we sexual explore together.


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So Ariel and I have a mutual friend, and I haven't named her here or if I did I cant remember what I called her. I'll name her Jazzie.

So Ariel, Jazzie and myself went out with my Ariel to celebrate her bday this weekend, and we had goo food and all of ours first manicures. Was super fun! I paid for it all, and today is an impromptu pool outing to hang with Ariel, Benson, and Arrow and myself. Just a mini thing to introduce friends.

I also reached out to a french dude who was part of our friends circle, but had a falling out with Jazzie in November so we had to give him space to include him in things again but he's coming to another pool party this next weekend and sp I reached out. I'm wanting to learn french more as my french family have been reaching out to speak with me more on social media etc. I also thinking I might try to call my bio dad soon and speak french with him. We'll see how it goes. Mending bridges.

Um, also I am going out with Arrow and Benson and a HUGE amount of work friends tonight. And this morning is skyping with kiddos and tomorrow is skyping with kiddos. I really miss them during the week when I work because my schedule before meant I couldn't talk to them in the AM (being at work at 530- leaving at 430).

ohhh I also had a long chat with Arrow about how he felt about me when I was in the car with him driving him home. Omg you guys..he's super young and I didn't know until I'm struggling a little on that. But he's also so mature and kind. I don't know. We'll see. We did our first hug yesterday. :rolleyes::eek:

Cast of characters right now:

Benson: Poly/Open, mid 20's/m/straight

Arrow: Mono/, early 20's/m/straight

Ariel: Poly/mid 20's/f/bi (bestie!)

Landon: Ariel's hubs

Rocket: Ariel's BF

Jazzie: Mono/Early 30's/f/bi
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So the move in has been successful and I am happy with my roomie, Benson, and our friendship cuddly thing right now. : ) Sex has tapered off, and I am mostly spending time with Arrow. We went up the to a local mountain, drove up 8 thousand feet and then spent the entire weekend together. We spend all day at work he's been crashing at my new place, (on couch and sometimes my bed), and then some of our free time together.

The last being a bit more fluid. He has met my parents (organically by helping me move), and I have met his (organically helping him get groceries etc.). So it's been a sort of natural getting to know each other process.

I am enjoying living with both guys, and I'd like to see something more with both dudes one day but I'm happy to go slowly.


Active member
Sigh. I dont even know where to start with the moving in with Benson and Arrow. Benson and I are still friens, he's now very much involved with a girl he's gone super serious with. And Arrow an I ont even speak anymore. It's sad. He's just not mature enough to talk to me about stuff.

Basically he came back to my home, while he was guest, and brought a girl sleeping with her on the couch, right after telling me he loved me. I got played I guess. I was super hurt and now we go around each other without talking to each other both too proud to make a move towards the other.

In other news I started dating two other people instead. I wont add names right now because its too new. Work is still going well, sales finally started and now I am doing well at that. I'm second on the floor and in my class, Benson is at top, - he had fun pointing that out to me. I got super shy about it. It's been a long time since I was in a competition with others, its different. I'm used to simply just being the best at art, or not, but doing my work alone indifferent where i stand to others. Here you get hoops and hollers if you make a sale, and i made 2 today, not a huge amount but the prices were enough to see me at the top. That was luck. I find a calm quiet voice, melodic and persistent is my style for getting them to understand I empathise and then mildly suggest a product, it doesn't always take, but most of my calls today were technical and not sales worthy anyway.

I did miss one sale for almost 300. But it was a near miss. Very close to nailing that one. If I'm doing this well on my first ay and I was so nervous I was running to the bathroom throwing up all day wih nerves, I'll be fine. PTSD symptoms aside, the ganja has turned into my saviour to fix the stress. It helps me cope. And is easier on my liver than alcohol or anything else.

I also signed up to physical therapy. I was meant to go on friday but had a night in with a guy i been seeing recently and we stayed up a lot of the night fucking. It was good sex and reasonably good company. Now I want to sleep becuase I'm pulling overtime at work tomorrow. Now is the time to bring in the green stuff. :cool:


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Next month I am heading to my sisters wedding. I thought it was in July but I was wrong, august it is. I reached out to my brothers best friend, who I've known for a few years now. I met him in 2015 when travelling to the states from UK. We hung out for 2 weekends in a row and since then have been in brief text and fb conversations on and off.

Anyway I asked him if I could crash on his couch and he asked if he could be my plus one to my sisters wedding! :eek: So I said sure, Is this a weird first date? lol. I'm not sure. I know hes close to my family so it could be just a friendly gesture.

He's really interesting as he's around my age, very mature, been married and divorced, been lds and not lds, and is both analytic and creative. He just finished writing his first fantasy book and publishing it. Plus he works full time as well. Plus we both do recreational weed and alcohol (which is decidedly not very mormon lol).

So I'm rather looking forward to seeing him. I'll still be seeing my bestie up there, and also I'm working on some artwork for my sister for her wedding as a gift. I also needs to get an outfit for the wedding. :eek:

The girl I went on the date with who we both hit it off sent me a huge long text wall saying she couldn't keep dating me because her partner had basically vetoed it :( This made me super sad.

Both of those news came yesterday at work while I was pulling overtime, and during my lunch shift, back to back. I had obviously mixed feelings but put them aside.

The night before that coming into overtime I had spent at the other guys I am FWB'ing. Now reflecting on it I have different feelings about him and it then I did before and I think he won't be around much longer.... There was some big red flags for me that meant I wasn't feeling it was ok- for example we fooled around on his couch but when we went to his bedroom it looks like a hoarders home !! The whole house was clean except his room which looked like a tornado had met a tip, and it was truly disgusting. Because I drove I could have left at any point but we had just had sex a lot, and I was exhausted from work so I slept for 3 hours before waking in the middle of the night and leaving. He knew I didn't want to stay the night so he was fine with me leaving early and frankly after seeing his room I didn't care if he never talked to me again. EW. There were bugs crawling around. Seriously never want to go back.

Also the last few sexual partners I've had here do not even know what a clit is except benson. What is wrong with men not wanting to go down on someone? Or even finger someone? What the fuck? I think the men here I am choosing are either undereducated or very young, or both, especially about women. Or very entitled. I'm not sure. Even when i've been very clear what I want, that hasn't been happening with my sexual experiences lately. I think I might take a hiatus again and get myself some toys.

Sigh. Also there's a HUGE amount of people here with misdemeanors/felonies o_O So that's really off putting too as I can't date anyone with a record simply because my kids and court and family. I am not being judgy of them but simply not wanting that kind of drama especially if it's in their recent past and would directly impact my ability to see my kids/ have them here.

I have also been considering moving up to where my brother lives in the midwest in a year or two. My company has a branch up there, I could apply for work there and the education would be cheaper for me at a college/uni because its the state I got my highschool degree in.

So there's a lot of plans floating around in my head to further myself and my life in the next few years. :) What isn't sustainable is staying around my mum after my grandma dies. And I can't keep waiting here for this nest egg to hatch. The best way to deal with this is to not sign anything. They can't force me to sign if I am not around. I'd get daily pressure here otherwise.
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Why do my romantic and work lives keep accidently crossing over the last few days? :eek:

I got a call today from someone I had been friends with online for over 5/6 years- I tentatively asked if it was him, and he didn't remember me, LOL so I said I'd send him a picture on break. No word, but it was SO weird of all the people in all the call centres in all the usa to be on a phone with him for 30-40 mins.

I wasn't able to solve his problem, but he did ask if i was single, and if i still had his number. I said yes to both. So we'll see what happens. The guy is a total loner despite his massive online following he has only a few close real life friends, but it was quite exciting to talk to him...he had a very different voice than I expected.

Seriously the likehood of that having happened today, was a seriously small percentage. :eek: :rolleyes: It's another one to chalk up to my books.

I also had personal training today, and will again next monday. I also got the wed and fridays workouts put on paper from my trainer, and my home work on my off days. I was originally going to have a male trainer but, I really like this woman so I am going to keep her, even if she tries to move me to someone else. I think having a female trainer will be good for me, it'll help resolve some of my weird female body issues I still have- hang ups from my mum. I need to be around more healthy fit strong women in real life. I have a lot of strong women in my life, but locally only 1 or 2 live a healthy lifestyle, and I really like this woman!!!

I am feeling super happy today. Tomorrow is pool day, so I will go, do some laps, do my stomach and hip flexor stuff my trainer wants me to do then sit in the hot tub for a bit before work. I really love going to the gym before work. I also talk to my kids tomorrow. So maybe I will have to leave the gym for the evening which is sad, but nessecary. I guess I'll have to pack a heavy lunch so I have my calories for the coma between 3-5 expected. LOL.

I am also in LOVE with Daiya products, i dont know how they make their non cheese taste like cheese and melt bt they do, and with rice noodles i had my first guilt free mac and cheese EVER. It...was in a word: heaven.


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So every single one of my romantic things have fizzled out.

The girl said she was too busy with her fiance and other lover to have a third lover. The guy we still talk sorta friendly but when i asked about the possibility of being gf/bf he just backed off completely. We haven't been out since that conversation. Then the dancer/engineer that i was seeing on and off in a meh sort of way for like 4 months, he wanted to keep me hidden and that wasn't ethical polyamory for me, so i left it.

Arrow still doesn't talk to me at work. And there were a few other guys at work who asked me out but i turned them down for various reasons. The guy who asked to go to my sisters wedding..well my SISTER vetoed me, saying i wasn't allowed to bring a plus one even though she's been friends wih him for many years :confused:

Anyway...whatever, it's probably for the best.

I am still not hugely emotionally available because Rocky and I decided to get back together.. yes I know what you're probably thinking. But since then he's added me to all social media, told his roommate/friends/work I'm coming out in Nov, and agreed for me to be introduced to his dad AND agreed to pay half the trip, drive us everywhere, and booked the time off work. PLUS he paid for january trip out here to see me, and already booked that off too, AND cancelled with family to go to canada, and friends to go to florida even though he had all those in the books before me. :eek::eek::eek:

So I feel like he has really stepped up. He won't let me or the girls down. And this is a huge step. We've even talked about him looking at investing in property in my area and what we could do in future about him living part time here and me living part time there.

So, we'll see what happens. Life is complicated in some ways, and not so in others. The personal training / fitness is going well. I can tell I have lost weight and getting some improvement in my mood and ability to cope.

Home life is still pretty shitty. Even though I improved my home, i did some decorating in my room and i'm quite happy with that. Also I love my car and won't take but a year or two to pay off completely.

But the shitty part is that my mom and I are even more at odds than before. So many micro aggressions from her. She now refuses to let me do laundry at the communal and only washer on the property. So I now send mine to a launder to do and then pick it up once a week. This ended up not being a bad idea because it's cheap and I get everything hung and ironed/folded nicely. So I am not too upset about this. But it did hurt emotionally because of how it was presented .She sat having breakfast on sunday with me, and basically said, you left your laundry in last night ,and I said yeah because you sleep at 7 pm and I idnt watn the drier to wake you up but i'm not up as early as you so sorry that it was there. And she goes well i am going to toss your clothes out.(Meaning trash) So I was like...pardon? You want to do what? and so I was getting ready to leave and couldn't deal with it then, so I left. But the cruelty, and the statement of her intention to just be so petty. I was like wow, I deal with these things every day I am around her, and many times I bite my tounge, but this one i just rolled my eyes. It hurt my grandma that I wouldn't use the drier. Then she also tried to argue about my dog going to utah for the wedding. I said hell NO. It's my dog and she's not taking him there. He's NOT trained, its a train wreck waiting to happen.

I spent last night crying myself to sleep and my gran came in and hugged me. I didn't want her to intrude on my private grieving but when she joined me crying too, I broke down further babbling what I had ever done wrong to have my mother hate me so much? It's was pretty depressing. But releasing all that grief gave me a release on it and allowed me to feel pretty good and light today. I feel more even today because of it.

Like shedding skin on a snake every time she does another thing to hate on me, the stronger I get it and the more I slough off her hatred an problems and stand on me own, I don't need her. That's what I told gran, i've been alone a long time anyway and i can go back to considering myself that way.


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So...some new things are happening. Hmm what did I name the FWB? I don't think I did..., that's still ongoing, but i sat him down about his room and bug issue AND he cleaned it. Now we're going to order him a bed frame. Yeah. This guy is a total sweety, but he's got some self-care things. I guess it can be resolved. :)

So I will name him M.K., from the Badlands show that we plan to watch together. And because he is young seeming in many ways. We make decent friends right now.

We went out to dinner recently, so things have moved outside of the bedroom, I planned it. It happened.

Rocky and I are still talking, he has had some bad news in family recently which has resulted more in seeking my comfort, I am the first person he's told about the news, and I sitting soberly with him from a distance. He is now interacting and responding to posts on my fb too, which is new. I dont think he's ever done that before, but I told him how important it is to me, and he's stepped up.

Recently Benson and I hung out, we went to drinks and pool last night to blow off steam from work related stress (We work at same place). And we're meeting up again on saturday with Ariel. I'm super excited. :D it'll be games and movies, but that's kinda pretext as all three of us really would love to make out with each other. Hell I wouldn't mind watching them both. I've come a long way in my poly ways, they keep mutating and evolving. I got asked again for another threesome with Benson and his GF. I might do it.

What else...the Aussie guy, we are still talking but very vaugely. He still has feels for me, but I have so many local and international options I just am struggling for the time and space for him.

Irishcoffee and I have been in touch, she is in the process of transition from M to F. I am super happy for her. I hope I can see her at least for lunch when I go to UK but it might be only kiddos and Rocky and friends and not past romantic interests just because the last thing Rocky or girls need right now is to think i'm prioritising other love interests over them. Plus girls haven't been told about poly, so theres that too. I wont have hardly ANY girl free time and that's fine, but if i'm making out with anyone its Rocky only around them, because I wont lose my rights to see my kiddos for this issue. Time and place. Irishcoffee can always come visit me. :) Or I can plan a separate trip later. I'm looking at free-lance at home jobs.

My work feels super unstable right now because of the upper management. 5 people have been fired in the last month, supervisors and I'd love to look at this as meaning room for me to grow but realistically it could be this new project is just NOT taking off like it should be. And how can it be when we're the third party support to a company that I just can't get behind- i feel they are super corrupt. And a lot of the customers feel the same way too. No amount of bandaids or trying or selling on our third parties part will fix the fundamental issues within the parent company hiring us. Sigh so I started job hunting today because of it.

I really really enjoy Benson's company. We laugh so much. I also found out i'm terrible at pool, and that's ok. lol. Ah well. :)

Things at home remain static. I am still not transitioned to the personal trainer I wanted, so we'll see how that goes. I Was having a female I haven't yet met the new one?


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So I finally got a new trainer. That's interesting. I think if we met outside of training world he'd be a fantastic dom. LOL. It was really hard transition to a guy telling me what to do, with my past and all, and worse the poor dude has my uncle's first name, the same as on of the two uncles who abused me in my childhood. But I can't go around avoiding all men with this name, but weirdly in my life is the first time i've come across this name SINCE my uncle.

In relationships, Rocky and I are still good. We're still official. We talk every day. The relationships with my girls are good. I went back to black hair, freaking love it. Not changing it for a long time.

Things with benson have turned a bit weird. He and I were into each other, and him and his gf and I did one threesome which was great (but where I suspect I may have picked up thrush). We are still really close friends but he is pining hard over Ariel, who rejected him. I should take him out and cheer him up.

Things with M.K. petered out because we had two major disagreements and I temporarily put his messages on background so I could do wedding and recover. We are still friends, and I am back to talking to him as of today. Perhaps we'll do dinner soon? I don't know if we're romantic towards each other, frankly, between all the craziness of illness i've had lately I have to avoid a lot of things in life. UGH. I will briefly explain that, I got sick with thrust, strep, and bacterial sinus infection all at once. I looked up a lot about candida, and apparently I need to cut out gluten, dairy, an sugar. I hadn't been keeping strict to that and i experienced the fallout from it. Man I've been detoxing and on my period too in the last week. It'd been AWFUL.

In work life, I quit my other job; started driving for uber / food delivery; but it's not as well paid as i'd like plus you have to take all that money out for gas. So, I'm applying to waitressing jobs. I need more cardio off of a tread mill and I was really healthy at the pub in 2015-2016.

I did go to my sisters wedding in the end, it was gorgeous and emotional. I drove up there by myself , and back with my grandma, but still was me driving both ways completely. So it was 12 hours both ways. :eek:

Still on for november to england. I feel renewed effort now that I'm past this craziness of illness. I will get back up and I will keep fighting the good fight. It helps i am not intentionally or unintentionally poisoning myself. I just have to view sugar as poison and that will help me keep steadfast.


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Ariel officially said I was part of her polycule and if she moved away would I consider moving too? :eek: I feel so loved at this moment. Words cannot describe.


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What a lovely update. I hope things continue to go well for you.


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@Atlantis- Thanks so much. I always meant to ask, are you british nationally? I think I saw some posts about family in england, regarding Prof wanting to visit when you go overseas. :) I really love reading your blog so thanks for popping up on mine! Things are still going very well. I'm glad you and prof are working things out, i been secretly shipping that relationship a long time. :D

So, updates. Rocky and I spoke about making our status facebook official. We are going to after his january trip to me. :D

Also, I found a temporary job working for a community outreach programme for supporting the democratic party here in AZ, for planned parenthood...AND it finishes at election time, so I wont have to "quit" a job. I also thought of a long term solution and asked Rocky about it. Doing a season hospitality job here, and most of the hospitality stuff closes for 3 months in summer I could live and work in the UK during that time remotely. (My art or some other thing), and stay with him for 3 months of the year and visit kids. It might provide the perfect solution!

We also started talking long term plans too, and he's stepped up even more, he agreed to talk to the kids on the phone, and he's been doing that for the last three weeks (texts, games, and phone calls). He's been away in Cyprus for the last week for a close cousins wedding, and this person is marrying and irish man :eek: so between that and the gay cousin coming out of the closet in his family in the last 6 months, times are changing in his family culture which is making him more brave to be with me. The girls adore talking to him and he was fine with me telling them he is my BF. My oldest daughter squeed and went "OMG mummy I ship this SO hard!!!). So that means him and kids have been talking and texting etc while around his family. More big deals. :eek:

Rocky also bought the girls and me some gifts from cyprus so I'm excited to see what they are. He always has such good taste in these things.

Because of his sister's diagnoses, and also attending therapy over the last year and some, he's really changed a lot for the best. Rocky 2.0 is awesome and we're both in the same place about eliminating sugar, getting and staying healthy, and being life partners now. It feels very settled now. I plan on getting him a promise ring and surprising him in January.

So that's my Rocky update. I also told him about all my goings-ons here and he informed me he's happy I am poly but isn't poly himself (which is fine), and would that be ok? (He felt pressure to be poly too even though I never pressured him?- that in order to accept me he had to want these things too haha). I was like sure it's fine. :)

In other poly news, Ariel and I are planning a birthday picnic for me in 2 weeks time up a nearby mountain and escaping the heat somewhat. I am reaching out to local acquaintances and friends, and seeing who shows. I'm ok if only Ariel shows haha, seems like lots of people are busy recently.

Benson is grieving Ariel hard, for it being such a brief thing. Basically him and Snow could NOT get along. Although Landon was fine with it all. And it caused unnecessary heartache. Because of this fallout weirdly though me and Snow are getting along better as friends and he's making an effort to be my friend and I his. We both want ariel to be happy and since i'm now a branch of the polycule we're all working towards a happy place for us all. :) She's a pretty incredible person and I'm happy she's so loved!

I am trying to help Benson out separately and invited him and gf over to my house for dinner this weekend. We'll see if he accepts. Maybe my new kitty cat will cheer him up.

OH I didn't say. I got a 6 week old kitten. His name is Oliver Hunter (Last name), very british. lol. My girls came up with the name. I got him for free from a lady outside our local corner store, at 9pm at night who was standing in her pj's I just couldn't leave a kitten with someone so clearly irresponsible! Who knows if she wouldn't have just left that kitten in the parking lot to be eaten by coyotes? I live in the freaking middle of nowhere so that's entirely possible! I thought at first I'd just take him to the rescue shelter, but being the softy I am, and after my kids got wind of him, that was it I couldn't get rid of him. My girls want me to get him a kitty passport and bring him next time I visit. I was like uhhh no. LOL

The no sugar, dairy, gluten thing is going well. Sad I can't have the pumpkin spice latte, but I had another one with almond milk and stevia. Cinnamon Dolce. I have really adjusted to this idea of no sugar because in the last year, I had my own health scares, and 3 people I know well have been diagnosed with cancer, and then my brother also had diabetes diagnosis a year ago. So I feel like, focusing on this as a sugar = poison for me...has really helped! I don't think of it as "bad" but more like "bad for ME personally".

I feel so super settled in my head about this and I have a huge network of people supporting me in this.

My gran has come around to cooking this way for me, my mom leaves items for me to eat, and ariel just got diagnosed a few months ago celiac, so she's super supportive.

Also, my personal trainer is on board with it, and Rocky and my brother both went sugar free recently!

So I have loads of people to moan to about my missing something, and have support me. Even my social circle are conscientious, and at a pool party I went to last weekend they had provided tortilla chips (all corn no gluten), and salsa (no added sugar) and guacamole and hummus. :)

This also has an added benefit of me being somewhat vegan now. Around 60% of the time since I hang out so much with Ariel.

In the past, the illness plus lack of work would have sent me under last month, but because of my healthy eating and working out i've managed to keep facing my fears instead of running away. Opening late notices an notifying people of my work change and extending deadlines on things. Ignoring my mum's outbursts at me about random things...and generally just feeling healthier and happier. AZ has been so good for me. I can't believe how much has change for me in the last year.

I own a home, granted it's with family but still, I have lost weight, getting back to me pre-move-to-usa weight (Which was 170..when I moved out here) . (MY goal is 150-160- i'm currently at 190). I own a car. I own a dog and cat. I put up a fence around my property yesterday. I have a personal trainer. I get to see my kids in 2.5 months. I am mentally stable right now, and finding ways to continue to be. I have integrated a LOT of stuff. Mum /daughter issues. I have a stable loving supportive close friends network and a larger looser friends network and work place network. I'm socially active in things that matter to me like politics and fighting for women's rights. And I just feel like I am on the right path in my life. Things are really REALLY good. I am starting to take on board of being a leader in my life instead of a carer, and that being both things are possible. Being kind AND assertive is ok.

I have such good boundaries now and I am much better negotiator and do not put up with people's shenanigans.

In my larger poly network, M.K. is the one who helped me find this job so it will be fun working along side him! I told him until his spider issue is sorted I can't spend the night at his.

And because I won't have to "quit" a job i'm considering extending my stay in UK and visiting Irishcoffee too, and some friends in Wales. Also I got ahold of my old neighbors and art colleagues Siren and Gale. And planning to meet up with them too. Gosh my life is SO FULL and happy!! :D
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Well I had a really fun bday, and bday party, up in the mountains, hiking by the lake and having a picnic. Everyone was super supportive. But M.K. got really weird the next day, he basically I think, got super butt hurt I said no to sex the night before (I didn't give him a reason why, I simply said not tonight). I would have explained but the lateness of the hour didn't help..

And now he doesn't talk to me. Weird. Worst part is I left a necklace that I can't replace there from my aunt honour and I can't get it back because he's refusing to talk to me. UGH. :(

It was such a weird angry outburst too the next day, kinda like the self entitled men who expect sex and if they don't get it feel like it's cool to rip into a woman and her self confidence. It really came out of nowhere and left my head spinning. I was quite glad he blocked me and we aren't talking anymore.

Also similar story with benson, but not about sex with me, but about a lack of relationship with Ariel. So I said I side with ariel and unfortunately need to take a step back until he's done healing as I can't be there for HER and him at the same time when he's going to belittle or talk about her to me behind her back. Nope. just nope. He didn't even TRY to salvage the friendship and simply went "maybe out paths will cross in future". I am glad just to not have to worry about him honestly. I got enough on my plate with my health.

OK! So about THAT. I'm having hte pain in liver area again, despite being mostly vegitarian/vegan (obviously cant eat dairy), and sugar free for almost 1.5 months. I cant get health care stuff looked at here because 1) There's no free health care in state if you own a home - puts you ourside of means.

And 2) i have no insurance / job long enough to get healthy because of said health

and 3) my family can't/won't help because my dad is getting tested for cancer this next month.

I really need a full body CT scan. So I got so depresseda bout this because it seems to reoccur every 3-4 months without fail. Or rather it never truly goes away and the pain spike and affect to my health is serious and continuously eroding for not dealing with the underlying issue. But this time I stopped short of panic induced suicidal thoughts and reached out to my intentional family, Rocky and Ariel.

Rocky wanted to throw his whole life savings at it while I'm in USA, :rolleyes::eek: and ariel and i came up with the idea of me going back to the UK for some time, since I still have permanent residency. Even if rocky paid for a room for me to stay at until I was well enough to get a job, it's STILL be cheaper than the tests I'd need with no insurance. I'd at least be making *progress* in's the biggest reason I moved back too was to get support so I coule figure out a solution. But I never did get that health fact quite the opposite! yes I had stability in place to stay and sunshine and friends, and i manage to work pretty still isnt perfect because of my ongoing issue with fatigue, sleep, liver area pain issues. I say liver area but only because I know it's been affected before multiple times...

I also don't want to stay around his friend/family/roommate at his place too because it would be unnecessarily stressful for me and the area isn't the best part of london for me personally to be walking alone in the way I am right now.

So. I think now that Rocky and I are more solid i'm looking at doing this instead of coming to visit in nov, but working and then staying for some time. I don't know if he'll agree to it. But even if he doesn't i might try on my own and see if friends will let me stay at theirs. I have to do something to fix this unknown pain there because at times it's debilitating. God even if i just had an answer it would be better than this question mark hanging over my head.

The reason it's so concerning for me is on my moms side there's the BARC1 gene mutation for cancer (ovarian/brest/colon/prostate), i still need to get tested for it as my mum has it, my aunt died of it, my grandma has it...etc etc...., and on my dad's side there is colon cancer, 9 out of 13 aunts and uncles have died from it between the ages of 20yr old and 55 years old. :(

I had really hoped AZ would be different, that my family would be different that by now i'd be taking over the family business. But all that hasn't happened. My relatioonship with my mum deteriorated to the point I now think of her as a stranger, and I've done all I can here to help my gran. Theres nothing for me to do here to help myself without 40 hour a week work and I cannot work that much yet. :( GOD why can't I get healthy?
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