Living Truthfully Within

Thanks Pink Pig. It wasn't all bad (possibly minimising going on here?) and I think friendship is still able to apply in a tertiary sense. I asked Acton for coffee next week outside to talk over what happened from both his point of view and mine. I'm not sure if there's any point as I'll be moving soon, but it feels important to me to be addressing it maturely. :)

Also looking back on my blog, it seems like, most of the issues I have gotten into extend from these things:

1) Obligation. (in this case because of my own financial situation but could be any reason in the future.) He wouldn't have felt entitled to his own choice of movie if I had been able to pay for myself. There would have been no "gift" or obligation of "payment of gift". And even if he felt entitled I could have rebuffed the entitlement gently saying, if its not really gift I'll pay for myself. I also could have said no I don't want a gift with strings. (see number 3 in list.)

2) Resources to keep myself safe.
If I had had enough money on me, getting a bus home wouldn't have mattered. I could have taken the train to local village then a taxi home. To me this shows people as "opportunists" rather than rapists and I have mostly set this scenario up myself in some ways by being "dependant" on men. So.

3) My ability to say No and mean No.(or any boundary). If I had simply said, no I won't sleep in your bed, and stood by that come hail or high water, he might have stopped pushing.

4) Feeling I have the power to say No when its not respected and that my voice/actions are valid while they are being invalidated. I am generally a tolerant and considerate person. So I tend to stay in the vicinity arguing a point that doesn't need to be argued when I disagree with someone on this. When really it would be easier and more efficient to simply continue to say no, to say lets drop the subject/agree to disagree, or leave the situation. I tend towards valuing people's opinions over my own. I can't tell you how profound Galagirl's advice on
"Love your self 51% and everyone else 49%"​
has been.

4) Minimising dismissing and/or disassociating with my own feelings/thoughts at the time they happen.
This one ties into the third one, in that I have to be able to acknowledge what I feel/think at the time its happening in order to act on those issues. Poly is great practice for this as there's often times a great need for compromise, clarity, boundary assertion, and learning where and how to say no. It requires a present of mind and ability to be flexible while still safe, and kind while still strong. Also therapy has helped with this last one as it's largely a PTSD thing for me.

So in hindsight I now know Some things I can do to make my life easier with these scenarios going foreword.

  • Don't go into any situation where I'd be dependant on the man/person if I don't want to have sex, as the heteronormative/mono script is "I did xyz, and I hope to get xyz" (for men relating to women in dating)

  • Practice saying no and meaning no. Say it with kids, say it with family, say it with mail man, and people at my door, say it with the person who approaches you on the street for charity. Say it kindly, say I firmly, but stand by it and the repercussions when you do.
  • Have a way to ACT on the right to say no. In some situations due to my health I wasn't even physically able to walk away. That's not my fault. But it's also not where I am at now. NOW I can put money aside and take it with me to call a taxi. I can make sure my phone is working/has credit. I can learn jujitsu. I no longer have to be in a place of dependant, and I can learn to step out of that role now that my mental and physical health is better. I am not blaming myself, just preparing myself that if I get into a situation I can get out of it myself. I can act on my own rights and motives to end a conversation or advance. I can get up and walk away. Or defend myself.
 
Good stuff, Star. I think 4 & 5 are common issues for people who've been abused in the past, or grew up in dysfunctional homes. I'm older than you by a fair bit and I still have issues with both.

Just out of curiosity, have you tried EMDR? I apologize if you've already mentioned it in your journal and I missed it. My therapist has mentioned trying it with me. I just started looking into but I'm thinking I may try it.
 
I have not but it's something I have been curious about. That isn't the same as the electro-shock therapy is it? I also hear now there's role-play virtual reality to help with PTSD too. But I'm not sure how widely it's implemented. I haven't done the EMDR because I'm not sure how long its been out and not done any research except to scratch the surface. I once met a woman who had done the electro-shock and she had forgotten her own kids..it terrified the crap out of me.
 
I have done EMDR in the past. It's been around for at least 20 years here in the States. I found going through the process quite helpful in coping with "triggers" (I hate that term and feels it has become overused but I digress). I was having persistent nightmares and anxiety attacks relating back to the murder of my sister. Anything would set it off.

Actually going through the sessions, I was kind of like, "Humm, I don't see how this is going to do ANYTHING." However it really did help me. Of course, everyone is different. Worth looking into though. Don't worry, it is NOT shock therapy. From what I remember, I focused my eyes on an object my counselor was holding while really vocalizing and sorting through my painful images and memories with my counselor acting as my "anchor" in a way so I did not become lost in the pain. The sessions left me exhausted but I felt a bit better after each one.
 
@powerpuffgrl1969-
I am so sorry for the loss of your sister and the trauma it caused and I really appreciate you sharing this with me and about EMDR. :eek: Thank you for the advice.

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As Gabrielle and I have similar backgrounds in health, I spoke to him about EMDR, and got some good suggestions. He personally knows someone trained in this subject, so I am sure I can find a good reference at some point when I get there.

Speaking of Gabrielle, things are a lot better between us. Because of the nature of NRE and me, mine has tapered off quite a bit without any physicality between us. I don't seem to have this issue with a person in person (like Rocky for example) but its very new still with Gabrielle. I am seeing a lot of positive things about our communication style though that is very rewarding. For some reason though the intensity of our relationship communication style leaves us exhausted afterwards. So it'll be interesting to see after meet in person if we're more "do-ers" instead of thinkers. It feels sometimes like we're both doing therapy with each other rather than relationshipping- either way it's good for both of us generally and I feel grateful for his support at this time.

Interestingly there's a very active female presence on OkC willing to converse with me in new area than here. I didn't expect that. I suppose there is a lot of cultural reasons for this, but also just that I'm heaps more comfortable with being with a woman than previously- and although I vacillate a lot on whether I want to be poly or not, it seems to crop up in myself. So for now I've decided to just be me. I'm tired of labels. I've made some friends who are women to meet up on there and that is good fun!

I'm also talking to two other men, though so far Gabrielle is the only person I feel emotionally invested in, in any way. I really like the other two men on a friends type way, and that is good, plus one is involved in the local poly and gamer community and we are both overlapping on the geek end of things.

I feel like OkC has served its purpose for me, I have seen the demograph and interests and met enough people virtually, and I've had enough conversations on the city, the population, activities, weather and political leanings to get a rough sketch of what I am going into. I don't feel like I am going in blind anymore. I am quite excited about being able to be more active and I think I am gravitating going off OkC once I move in order to focus on Gabrielle, my education/work/health, and also obviously my kids (travel to see them etc.).
Two relationships at that time may be impractical towards keeping those goals, but keeping up with both Gabrielle and Rocky may be possible.

I'm not sure if I'm an extreme machochist or what but Rocky and I are back into ..something? We are having sex, going out, helping each other out, and had a lot of talks about things. I finally shared the whole ugly story of court and kids, something I didn't do before because of lots of reasons. I did this after asking if he'd be willing to be there for my kids. Once I established he would be, I shared. We had about 24 together last week talking about EVERYTHING. We are not a thing, theres no promises, or long term goals, but we are enjoying each other and I am grateful for his friendship. Moving from all these labels to not is..difficult for me. But also very rewarding. I feel very loved, and I now have three people who agreed to step in if the Ex gets violent with the kids and they need a place to stay. This is very encouraging and I now have a goal of setting myself up in America nad going back to court in 2018 with my oldest. She has asked what age she can be taken seriously in court and when she can live with me again.

For her 11th birthday we dyed her hair for the first time, we went with red because she is rebelling from her dad and patriarchy with me. I explained on her level that her dad is ill and that he isn't trying to hurt, and that I did everything I could to help her but I had no say anymore in the court- they did not listen to me. And I had no support on my side to back up what I said. She said she liked my parenting style more, and wished her dad wouldn't be so mean, she admitted that he said things like "You're a little piece of shit", and picked her up by her shoulders against a wall. I'm so worried about her. And I have literally nothing I can do about it. I was debunked as a liar in court, so going to the police would not do any good. :(

She said, how am I going to survive? I bought them both phones which I pay for and gave them phone numbers and resources to support networks. I didn't dare give them a child abuse helpline because it might actually be used against them with their dad. I know how he works. And i'm not eager to piss him off, he is in the "honey moon" phase of the abuse cycle right now because he is dating a woman who knows the whole situation, apparently, and they are engaged t be married. I figure she works, I hope, as a buffer. The kids seem to love and trust her, and say shes like a second mom, this helps because he has allowed me to give them phones, etc. But another reason to move is he's trying to say I am emotionally abusing them. I haven't been doing anything but listen to them when they talk. I have years working in the crazy and do my best to be patient. I don't want him to keep poisoning my life. I trusted him and lost my kids, this guy is just..sigh. Ill. Histronics Disorder is pretty crappy :( And I do not hate the man, despite all that happened. Maybe I should. Maybe I should be a lot more angry. But I can't find it in me.

When I explained about their dad being sick and how he *IS* trying, Shooting Star then asked if she was like him and ill too? I said no sweety you're too young to be diagnosed with that and you have all these wonderful kind and sweet things about you. Me and Rosebud are the long suffering silent group. Shootingstar rails against it, and ultimately herself too, frustrated she seems not able to control her feelings nad actions.

She said "mummy you know how to handle me, and you give me love even when I am so mean. You don't look disappointed and you aren't angry and I wish daddy did this. Daddy doesn't give me love when I need it most." (This was so shocking to hear, but also not so much, she is reading at college level already, like I did at her age and one of the reasons I was attracted to her dad was the fact that he's very intelligent. He has associates in quantum physics, he didn't finish it yet because of kids and doing court. And some non-partisan background is he himself came from a family of domestic violence - which I didn't know about when I married him. He also grew up with this, but hasn't done the work I have done. Now it seems he's trying but its not there yet, it may not be for many years more.)

This broke my heart and it was so eloquently said. She's so smart and so beautiful I love both my girls so much. I really wish I had more power. I am tired of being a victim and tired of being weak, and I wish love just fixed all this. That I could wave a magic wand and make her dad treat her more kindly. It is not all bad, I mean they have routines and a bed to sleep in, and all their needs met, and a huge family support network. But it could be so much more, and for that I lament. The possibility of if.

So, yeah, however it was a lovely Saturday with them, and we had a lot of good memories too! we went the park, and played on exercise equipment as well as other things, we did some shopping. The girls had tattered shoes and hand me down clothes so we got a few bits and bobs to make them feel better. We did walking in nature, and had lunch out while listening to street music in town, and talking fashion. Rosebud told me all about her interests and asked if she could learn to ride horses, so I will have to budget that in, in America, so on their half-terms and end of terms weeks of and in the summer they can get some done down at their grandma's house when they go for a week. She generally doesn't do a lot of activities with them, so they'll enjoy doing that. I probably can only afford it for Rosebud as I'm already involved with Shooting Star and sewing classes.

They took some more items with them this week, the tree and ornaments, my weights, the bike, more bits and bobs from the Wii (there was a lot of that hiding around the house that I gathered up while deep cleaning! Who knew it got scattered around like that with kids? lol). Next time we'll make our family recipe of Cream Cheese cookies, (my grandma's recipe). And we'll walk all around the local area taking photos and then print off some photos and give them a photo album each. I already did one of their baby-up to 7 yr old one xmas 2015. So now I want to do one that is from 2012-present. It's important they have a sense of their live and past, and that they remember all the important people who love them that even among the bad there is good. :) It's the best I can do at this time.
 
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Wednesday I head up to the embassy to sort my passport. I've had four aborted attempts as I set up either delivery or appointment and bailed, simply as I wasn't ready to accept moving yet. But I'm finally ready to move and get things sorted yay. :)

The time difference is pretty crappy keeping in touch with Gabrielle, so, I spent most of Sunday and part of Monday together. I have no work at the moment, so I have a slightly flexible schedule.

I am seeing Acton for coffee tomorrow, and spending the night at Rocky's. He has a roomie moving in at end of month and so I doubt I'll be up at his after this week. I reckon this will be one of the last times I see him before I leave. I might have one more visit.

On Thursday I pick up my phone that's been being repaired, and run to the gym. I'm back on course with exercise and fitness and paid for this last month so doing that is a priority right now.

I also need to rechedule with two local friends to meet up and check up I. Them as I was going to see them on Sunday to Monday for dinner and spending the night, but they both came down with a stomach bug. Life is surprisingly good otherwise.

I've set up some good dialogue with my mother recently on boundaries, and I have been sticking to those limits. No coercion from her to me happening.

Not much else to report, trucking along is a really healthy place right now. Yay extra sunshine, Spring, hope, and vitamin d.
 
Passport and ticket sorted. Sitting here waiting for Acton to show up for lunc...this is why I didn't date the man...typically late for anything and everything :rolleyes:

Anyway, I had some anxiety around the passport malarkey, and I was being so British in my head that I stayed in the queue for visas for a half an hour before realising the citizen one was much shorter, and I didn't need to queue anyway as I had booked online an appointment. I just squeaked by with finances, but it's all good now.

Confirmed with Rocky to meet at the BFI on Southbank later. He's taking me to dinner. Goodbyes are all around. Wish I had been feeling up to being social sooner. The sunshine has been out al, day and I haven't even needed my jacket for the last two hours. It's crisp but clear with hardly a cloud and no wind. It's much needed on my soul and energy levels. I could practically feel myself soaking up the vitamin D. I also enjoyed sitting in the grosvenor square watching a boxing trainer train some women. Apparently you need a dog license to walk dogs in some London parks. I found that kind of amusing and was glad I will be having a lot less rules in the USA.
 
2 week into health food/exericse every day.

I ended up meeting wth Acton a 2 hours late. It was a fluke I was still in the same area s I had decide 30 mins later that I'd leave. But ended up listening to some music and sketching buskers in the sunshine.
He said the reason he was late because of a stomach problem (but not catching), and I said, well you could text you know and asy, he i'm no feeling 100% i'll be later, or not coming at all etc.

In the end I didn't confront him about the incident because I realised I wont be seeing him again before I leave. I did the "Old Star" thing and sat there listening to him for some time. I Was in no rush, I had a lot of time to kill and was in a buoyant and happy mood, and he had just received some pretty crushing news about his current GF that might mean they are ended or scaling back their plans.

After some time, of rambling on and on and me making the ocassional "mh" and calrifying questions and comments, he asked me seemingly out of no-where if I money was no option what house would I have in London and where?

I said, well first my ideal house wouldn't *be* in London, but if that was my only choice, then I'd live in West London, so i'd be easy to go back and forth to see kids, and I'd live on the thames in a house like this:
Sleepless-Seattle-Houseboat-Sold.jpg

"house boat stock photo" From the movie Sleepless in Seattle.

I'd put that right on Thames near Richmond park in West London. :)

I found it quite weird he was mentioning this and felt like a kind of "Here's what I have to offer do you want it" and he mentioned he was looking at moving and wanting a stable partner etc etc. But he never outright asked me if I wanted any of this. His idea would be a semi-detached house right in central London (which is totally unrealistic as such a home would cost millions of pounds! And be..well frankly non-existant to find?) And has he was talking with me theoretically but him in actuality, about moving into a home in the next couple years from his savings, I found this really odd conversation. So I said what i'd like and left it plain and simple and let him talk more. He left around 430 pm so didn't stay that long in the first place.

I was glad when he was gone because he was made me wait two hours, didn't apologise, didn't offer lunch as recompense or even to really hang out. Got lost in London when he's lived here his whole life, which is very silly and wouldn't listen to me when I tried to direct him as I knew exactly where we were, it was like , 15 min walk from St James park down to South bank and three different bridge options :p I Was like, yup i'm seeing his true colours and I am glad I bumped him to coffee-tertiary-friend.

He also wanted me to walk him to Waterloo-east (then changed it last minute to waterloo station) as we were walking and I stopped him right there and went "Right I'm going to love ya and leave you Acton the way I need to head is the opposite direction and I need to get something to eat now as I haven't eaten anything but that banana in 27 hours." I was just kind of like, this man is really clueless to other peoples needs, and basically yesterday was a day of "Listen to everyone else talk". I did this with Acton, my girls, my mom, and with all the legalese people.

So I did my Wednesday skype with the girls while at southbank, and then talked to my mom briefly. I let her know about the passport/travel plans. She insisted that I come out end of april, and wanted to buy my plane ticket, I was like um no all sorted thanks, I'm flying this route to go to these places and stop to see my aunt Honour. She didn't like this much and was insisting that I take grandma up in the summer to see Honour. I Was like how am I supposed to do that when I am going to be working full time? And I have to save money for education in 2018 AND to see my kids in October which will be the only time I can take off work? Silly. She really doesn't actively listen. It was HER idea to arrange all that, like she can just micromanage my life- and then she said it was *MY* idea later. Um no.


So I'm heading things off at the pass and dropped the idea all together that I will help at all in any real way with the family business. It's not worth it. I'll get my own job earning more and get my own respect in myself outside of the business. IF she wants me to help later- maybe sure. We'll see. But I won't play games. And I won't be treated like a slave/free labour. My time is valuable and also we haven't built up the trust yet to even share a phone plan as a family so why would I do anything bigger?

In retrospect, meeting up with Rocky was great. I did some hypnotherapy while sitting out in the park the other day too. I needed to calm down from anxiety-news not related to all the other stuff, and so I did that. But what was amazing is how detached it helped me be from Rocky. And as I commit more and focus more on Gabrielle how friendly I feel towards rocky and not desperately loving. It was so..strange for me.

We met athe National Theatre, next to the BFI, and then went to dinner after walking along south bank for a bit. I was desperately hungry as I still hadn't eaten after Acton left, so I ended up not eating until 830pm. And we stopped at Frankie and Benny's near Trafalger Square. They have a pretty decent gluten and dairy free menu. We got bbq ribs/chicken with mash potato and veg, and water. I was scarfing it down like no-ones business and we had such a snarky waitress haha. I am bitching a lot in the journal entry. MY time with Rocky was great, we had fun and laughed, and kissed and cuddled. Really good time! He told me some riddles, and wouldn't wait for me to guess, he loved showing off his intellect and he often thinks (erroneously) that I am smarter than him! So not true! I'm the idiot that got married at 19 after 2 weeks in person with someone and pregnant at 20 after less than a year together. hahahahahaha

ANYWAY, I am not sure if I rubbed the waitress the wrong way or something? I don't know, amybe it was just that she thought I was batting above my playing field? or any number of things? and even Rocky commented on it at the end when she pointedly looked at me ignored him and went "How was YOUR food". But I let it go and we laughed it off.

Then we went back to his place via uber, and then spent the night making out, sexy fun times, cuddling, talking, until we passed out. We woke up around 9 am, and I rustled us up some breakfast with what was in his kitchen which wasn't a lot :rolleyes: Oats and some fruit (bananas strawberries and tangerines) made into a fruit salad on top of the oats, and a little rice milk. I mixed some jam he had with honey and water into the fruit salad to counterbalance the tangerines in it.

After that he offered to drive me home himself. I think he just wanted some more time together. I fixed his shower head with my hair band too, and showed him, as he needs to really get it tightened so it doesn't keep sliding down and to the left, but this will work for a while, and he can still use the shower head off the top too, as in he can still hold it in his hand.

As we were close to my house, I Asked him to drop me off at the heath instead, so I could go for some exercise today, and he did. We chatted all the way back in the car, and I really felt a real acceptance and shift in our relating. That "buzz" of electric was gone on my end. I Felt loving but a deep love, not a NRE, I could have left sexy time the night before and been fine with just cuddles. I Am really glad i'm in such a good place now about who and what Rocky is and really letting him go as the "idea" I had in my head how I wanted us to be.

After walking the heath for about an hour and taking some beautiful photos in the sunshine I headed home to get some work down and that's where I am now. I also needed to be back in time to talk to Gabrielle for our daily morning talk before he heads to work. :) We've slotted into a nice little routine.

I feel happy and healthy now, and my weight is going down and I feel very in control of me and my life, and that I can handle things now. A real turn around from a couple months ago.:eek:
 
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On my time of month.

Curling up with both neighbour kitty and mine, and sleeping a lot. Feeling a bit under the weather energy wise. I could make myself get up and go, but I have sorted almost all the stuff in the house and don't know what else I can be making myself *do* other than artwork, walks/exercise, food, and sleep. I also cancelled almost all the things in my house besides internet, so there's TV/movies, and also puttering around the computer or catching up on reading. Netflix I unsubscribed to for awhile.

I've got rid of stuff, packed up stuff, cleaned stuff, and said my goodbyes to almost everyone.

Now is waiting.

One month.
 
So things with me and Gabrielle have cooled quite a bit.
At least on my end.

I think I'd prefer to date two mono men. or none. Or just be single for awhile with some casual things going on.

This felt like there was a lot of rushing. This wasn't his fault per se, I was to blame. I have a history, if I just re-read on this blog, on projecting a lot of fantasy on a person before getting to know them. I want to change this. More mono Disney de-programming needed. :p

I also realised as I get into a new town I need to be single for a time to get my bearings and get my feet under me. My life has had a massive upheaval and I need time to just be fun.

Gabrielle needs loving supportive people around him. I want to be one of those people in context of friends. Not sure if we can because of our sexual chemistry. I may just have to be distant for a time. We have a lot of crossovers we can help each other in. And this is lovely, it means we can offer support and friendship.

But I just don't want a boyfriend.

I've finally come around to Rocky's point of view after years of wanting more with him ha! It's AWESOME being single and having some light hearted flings and doing what I like. There's some lonely times and some time later I'd like to find something more serious. But that's not the case for me right now. And I'm ok with that.

It feels like a healthy choice for me. :) I Don't want to spend 2-3 nights at anyone's place or set up schedules or rely on anyone for awhile.

He has certain needs and wants I won't meet. Its not just I can't, it's a won't. I choose to have these boundaries and they won't be honoured if I am in a relationship with him. I just know they won't. And it won't be because hes not trying its because he fundamentally wants a different style of relating than I want. So why bend myself out of shape on something that can't be compromised?

And lets not kid ourselves, as my history proves, it'd be ME that bends over backwards to make it work.

Nu. Uh. fuck that shit. I'm done having no boundaries or boundaries not reinforced by my actions.

This is a decision on the heels of my brother moving out of my mom's house the same time I move in. We had made verbal agreements to work together toward a combined future so I could get my girls back and have a support network. Eg we had talked about living together as roomies. And he just up and moved back to Utah! :( Actually maybe I should correct that. I had talked about it and he nodded his head and smiled. But there was no action or words or even further conversation since then to say he wanted to do this. I had reasonably planned to bring it up in person when I was there, but now I won't even get that option. In fact during this time he was secretly involved with a relationship that he was making plans to move away. I had no idea.

I am really hurt by this. I had no idea it was happening and it just happened out of no where. I don't know why I am so surprised. This happened most of my life with my brother and he is bi-polar. But a month ago he was pleading for me to get out here sooner because he was suicidal. And now hes running off chasing love. He really needs help. I need to stop having unrealistic expectations. No ones going to cry if I need help. Pick up your big girl panties Star and realise its time to suck it up and move on.

I'm really taking stock and going, I really can't rely on my maternal family. I will live at my moms but I'm not going to try to rely on anyone. I need to learn to rely on me and friends. That seems a lot healthier. Until I feel like I am productive healthy contributing member of society holding down a full time job, and earning my way, I won't be able to offer anyone anything. And frankly I need to take that time to discover me.

I'm no longer grieving about being single, I'm rejoicing in it, dancing around in silly clothes, and staying up as late as I like, hogging the bed, eating pizza, playing with friends, having art sessions till wee hours in the morning. Being totally irresponsible for my last limbo month. Hell yes.
 
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Ticket bought. :)

29 days left! That around a month to try and lose around 5-10 pounds. Easy peasy!

I feel really shitty for not being able to bend on this issue with Gabrielle. I really really like him.

He's been consistent in his interest throughout, but I have been all over the place. I am just not keen on commitment when I have such major life changes, and I don't like rushing, even though it was partly my fault we rushed as I didn't exactly stop and go, hey lets go slower, until now.

Also i'm just not keen on sharing him- not because of what it represents, (although I do have some serious abandonment issues), but also that I have interact with this person because of his style of poly is more kitchen table, we haven't really come up with a compromise on this. I prefer not to interact ever. :S Maybe not realistic? It's really got stuck in my mind.

He says I should meet the metamour first before deciding this. But that's just it, I don't want to meet them or hang out with them. And I have had a few brief conversations where they dropped in on our skype calls and videos, when I didn't know they were around, or I did and agreed. So its been a bit of vague boundaries from the beginning that I am tightening up.

I have decided to approach all dating as just that, exploration into compatibility and go even slower, in order to see how I feel about metamours, values, goals, way we work together etc.

It's really got me all bent out of shape about it. Even though really it shouldn't because it's a non-issue until in person anyway. And I don't know why but I have this weird idea that "If I hang out with this person bad things will happen". Silly right? I don't know. I know how much it matters to him to have both in our lives. But I'm not sure I want to be poly anymore. I think I want to find someone to be monogamous with. I am feeling poly has been exceptionally difficult for me over the years. Except solo poly, and I'm not to keen to go back to that as I do actually want to live with someone eventually.

But I don't want to share my living space with more than 1 someones.

Maybe I just need to chill the fuck out about metamours. It just feels like I completely brain meltdown with it all :( Especially after finding out my brother was moving away it really upset me and I just went, I cant trust anyone! :( God some days I feel so dysfunctional. #nothumantoday
 
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I had the most bizarre conversation with my brother yesterday.

We were on skype and I mentioned that I was extremely excited that I was getting the USA passports for the girls, and registering Rosebud's birth abroad. :)

After this, he brings up Canada and our dad and saying he wants to get the dual citizenship for himself with Canada. I was like..when did you last speak to dad? :confused: I hadn't spoken to him in almost 5 years at that point. I think last time was 2012? I might even have written about it here or elsewhere.

Anyway.
He said a few weeks ago, I went "oh can you pass me along his number I've been trying to contact him since November with no luck, I think I have the wrong number?"

He made some non committal noise then mom who was listening to our conversation said "You should go in person if you're going to get your passports."

And I thought yeah, probably good idea, so I suggested it to my brother.

He got all huffy and said "I'm just not made of money." (He seems to find all the money in the world for drugs, and always "out of money" even with a full time job! He also hasn't visited England the entire 11 years I been here, even though I am getting a direct flight from UK to USA from 300 dollars in total. That is not much money!- plus he'd had have a place to stay if he were here. In total he could have visited on less than half a grand for like 2 weeks with return flight and travel/food.)

Then he got even more huffy, and went "Not everyone has to like you star!" I was kind of really confused here because I felt like I had missed a part of the conversation. How did it go from "lets go together" to "People have to like me?" Even if that were a true statement in regards to my bio-dad (Which it's not), why would that even be brought up in that context of us going together?

I was like, WTF???

Before I even had time to process the weirdness of that statement he further attacked me by talking about "That I live in a fairy land that I have different priorities on money and I'm not made of money." A simple : I can't go, because I can't afford it would suffice.

He doesn't need to get grumpy at me. After this steamrolled out, he went on top of this going "What is your agenda for going? What are you motives? (all suspicious like).

I still haven't even responded yet and my brother says "I think we should see our uncle in conneticut as well on the way back".

So he discredits his previous statements, and I'm thinking- "It's a trap I can't respond to any of these statements because they all contradict each other AND he's now talking about my abuser from when I was 3-5 years old."

My brother is very selfish and is very controlling and argumentative for no apparent reason. I asked reasonable questions and he can't seem to hold down a conversation in a reasonable way.

It pissed me off. Understandably.

I excused myself saying I had to go to the toilet. I didn't want him to see me panic and upset too on top of all this because I was worried I might trigger by the last statement. I did but thankfully it was a delayed trigger response that happened today.

So then, I shared it with Gabrielle who then *defended* my brother for no apparent reason which pissed me off more. I'm still mad at both of them. The only difference between Gabrielle and my brother yesterday is that Gabrielle apologised. And then on top of that he also wasn't keen to hear about my idea with my kids which I won't share here.

But I'm not exactly feeling warm or fuzzy towards anyone today. With Gabrielle I argued back, saying he had no right to defend my brother and also try to be the parent to my kids. He doesn't know them and he doesn't make decisions on them, and I shut that down real quick.

God, me and dating just isn't working still. Where are the fun easy going dates that we just chill and have fun?
 
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Happy mother's day in the UK to everyone here. :)

Today I have rocky coming by.
Last night I had a GOOD conversation with my brother, I got to ask about his weirdness before and resolve that. That was really healing, apparently he's just really touchy about stuff, and I opened up and told him about the past with Uncle number 2, who abused me when I was little.
This was a big deal as I'd been holding onto that secret from everyone in the family besides my mom since..2004/5? When I remembered it had happened and worked out who.

So.

Apparently he already knew he was an abuser though, by anther cousin. Wow.

So I wasn't the only one. That figures. It was all sorts of healing that conversation.

Then I kinda railed into Gabrielle about defending said people, and he said he wasn't doing that. So we had a conversation about it, I kinda was all over the place and broke down a lot while working through this. I'm kinda tired of Gabrielle trying to be my therapist instead of boyfriend. So I'm working on keeping conversations light and directing them back to other things. He may need that level of emotional investment all the time but frankly I find it exhausting to go that deep all the time. In fact i'm even sick of posting on here all the deep shit. I'm ready to put that all behind me and live presently and happily, in the moment. I've been working on that for awhile and I'm very much ready to put this childhood and family stuff behind me.

My mom and I are on good terms, my brother and I are most of the time on good terms, and I am doing good terms with ex and kids too. This is all good, shifting towards a positive. Apparently my brothers work will need waitresses when he moves out in 30 days, and just as I move in, in ...20? So I'll get over jet-lag and apply for a job, after helping my mom with her business. If I do part time at that work and part time with her, that will be very good indeed. Daytime at her place and Thursday/Friday/Saturday/sunday at restaurant. I will get both mental activity and skills, and physical. I'll need a physical job even though ti pays less because of wanting to be a massage therapist. I'll need to re-learn to be on my feet all day after being a adrenal fatigued depressed person of 2016.

Two steps forward one step back.
 
Ok well My mother's day went really well :)

I got to talk to my brother again, and my mom, about coming out. I'm memorising some information for the conference in April in Utah.

Also, Rocky came over in the daytime and then spent the night. I really enjoy how his focus is more on the friends side than the benefits. It's not that he doesn't have a libido its just that it isn't the only thing we do.

He came over around 2pm and too ka nap at my house while I finished up some food. He works shift so he had just finished work and with the time change here Saturday to sunday he didn't get much sleep (like 3 hours?) This guy is constant sleep deficit. Sometime I feel like my place is his re-charge port LOL.

I like to write in depth about what we do here because they are precious memories I want to look back on later. :) We really do enjoy each others company. This time though I had a lot of complicated feelings because I had been pakcing up my kitchen/artsupplies etc, and felt myself just break down. After he woke up, we were talking but I wasn't too touchy feely or opening up, and then I just broke down crying. I told him about *everything* with the kids. Stuff I had hid from him to protect him, stuff about alex when I lived with him, stuff about how I felt abandoned by him, and he didn't run away or get mad or reject me, he just held me until I stopped crying.

Eventually, he tried to offer me some support talking about the time he was sick an dgot back up. I said I am not saying what you went through isn't valid Rocky, but you had got knocked down majorly once, I was knocked down majorly time and time and tiem again. Some through my fault (marrying alex) a lot of it not though. I was knocked down first when I was born and abused, and I got back up, then when I remembered it, and I got back up. Then when alex continued to do it, and I left him and Igot back up, then when my family abandoned me, and I got back up, and then When I lost the kids, and I got back up. Bt the last one, I didn get up so well for anymore. It was the straw that broke the camels back.

He said, well, what gets you up everyday now?

And I said, honestly..I don't know. I guess the girls still.

It was painful to admit that. This whole time, the deep conversation and the tears, and the letting it out and the weight on my shoulders lifted considerably. I said I need to think about it some more. So we had chicken and veg soup. It was super yummy. He teases me that all my meals are one hit wonders, because I never make it quite the same. And that talk didn't take as long as it used to nor did it set me back for weeks on end. Normally that sort of thing when I first met Rocky might have derailed me for a solid week where it played out in my head and I worried abot it or I didn't express it all.
But it didn't 30 mins after crying my eyes out, I Was ok and we sat and ate and played with Lil Miss, and just enjoyed our time together.

Then at 7pm we went out to the theatre together. We went and saw logan. I said he could bribe me to see it again because I didn't mind with him, anyway, and we had popcorn together and watched it. IT was interesting watching it again, and with Rcky, completely different experience. For one there was no awkward tension, and I had missed some things in the first viewing that I picked up this time.

Also Rocky was very cheeky :rolleyes: He inched his hand up my leg higher and higher through out the film until I was a very squirmy bundle of desire lol. He's very good at playing with the vibe, of heating it up then lowering it down to platonic and simmering it. We both are, and its fun to play with that edge.

So we got back to my house and I was getting a serious migraine, so we basically went straight to bed. We were SO tired. I woke up in the night because of the migraine and he got me some water and pills and just as we were dropping off to sleep both of us got very excitable. We ended up with fantastic sex, I don't know what it was, but we both went from wearing full winter pj's to naked, and we must have spent around an 2 hours just teasing and touching. It was very much desire and love all mixed into one. He held me at times and rubbed my forehead and told me he loved me, and then other times he was amking me orgasm again and again, it got ot the point we were actually able to have PIV sex without a condom for the first time in..gosh a year. And it felt FANTASTIC.

We both cleaned up then very easily drifted off to sleep. He was lingering this morning, wanting to stay and i'm like, Rocky I have your schedule here, you have to be at your dad's at 10, and I'd *love* to have breakfast with you or whatever, but I think I need more sleep after that migraine stuff, and you need to get going. He looked like a little lost puppy going to miss me. lol. It was adorable. He's both manly and like a little kid sometimes all rolled into one.

And that was my day. I feel so deeply peaceful and relaxed now. I feel like, yeah, it's important that I write about that today not just the sexy fun stuff, but changing a pattern, instead of hiding what I felt, I shared, and I wasn't rejected. Thanks to both Gabrielle and Rocky being people Ican trust. Even if Rocky did break my heart, I still trust him, because he's always been a friend first. And We are rebuilding trust as friends.

Oh I have the date to go to the USA embassy to get the girls USA passports and register Rose's birth abroad AND ex-husband agreed and got the day off to come in person. That will not be too fun hanging out together, but we can be civil and kind, and hopefully it'll go ok.

It's too important for me to be a jerk about. I figured the easiest way to get him to agree was let him hold onto the passports.
So that's where we're at. :)

But it means when the girls are older they can choose what country they want to live in, and freely come visit family, and have many doors open to them. It's important to me they have both, because they are both.

Ok going back to bed this dratted headache is back!
 
So it's been a lazy few days.

20 days exactly until I leave. :) I scheduled a beach trip with Rocky before I go to America. I hope that goes well.

That headache turned into all out sickness and I've been running a fever and sleeping a lot. I feel strange and bleh, and not too hungry, and not interested in much but sleeping. I hope I get feeling better soon.

I'm still in very good mood, and been oddly horny despite sick, especially with Gabrielle so we had some sexy fun times last night and this morning when I was feeling up to, long distance. I'm getting very excited to meet him. He agreed to take it friends first, with sex and other things and see where we go one day at a time. So far he's also been really responsive and understanding for my need to go slow, but also not always talk deep stuff. And I think i'm getting better at meeting some of his needs too. Feeling lots of warm NRE feelings :)

Despite our back and forth with disagreements at times, none of those "arguments" are ever very angry, and we own the parts we screw up as well as analyse it later to see how we could do it differently, which means as time progresses it seems to get easier and more gentle with each other. There's a strong potential of a D/S switch dynamic between us too. And I'm looking forward to exploring that with someone I feel safe with.:D
 
Made progress this week. No longer worried about Gabrielles other partner. Seems very kind and genuine. I figured out my "why" to my fear and with understanding I was able to make it abate.

Good times. Polyshipping working.

looking forward to some friendly-possibly-more dates with a woman who we been talking to online from OKC/now facebook. She knows quite a few artists in the area I am moving too and one of them is professional aquaintances with my mentor. Ha. Small world.
 
Things here are well.

I got my passport the mail, and sent the info to the company who has my overseas ticket.

I had a pretty fantastic weekend with the girls. Can't believe how old they are getting. I spent a half an hour outside with Rosebud and Shooting star asked to have some alone time in the house to process the end of this home. It's sad but it is what it is. And I respected that. And at 11, the legal age to stay alone for a half an hour in this country, I thought it was a good way to help her express some more independence.

Rosebud and I went to the local tiny park, with a set of swings and a climbing frames and some woodland. Just a basic setup. But it was pure joy spending some rare one on one time. I often get more One-on-one with Shooting Star, because she is...a very vivacious and demanding child, where as me and Rosebud are much more chill and watchful.

All of us at the house had a fruit cake together, to celebrate Shooting Star's B-day.. and then played some "Who's Who's" as well as it was the only somewhat appropriate game I had left in the house that I hadn't either already shipped to them. We also packed up some more items and let them take some more.

Shooting Star's bike did not fit in the car unfortunately but the ex-husband is arranging a friend to pick it up before I leave.

I did a lot of cleaning this weekend, and selling some items as well as freecycling. It feels good to give back. The girls got the rice cooker as I know ex-husband is a huge fan of "indian" food. I said "indian" because...well his mon was part of the Raj as a child and basically never grew up from being a spoilt princess. So her first few years of life was in india even though she's caucasion and doesn't know the first thing about actual indian culture or cooking it. Ex-husband with his histrionics disorder thought this meant he was *Actually* indian. God almighty. Just..No.

I'm not sure I'd be proud of that heritage myself. The whole long point about the rice cooker is he makes this god-awful meals with it haha. But I figured at least the rice would taste good to the girls. >.>

As far as my own food, it's passable. Better with a recipe. I have a few I have memorized but not many. I am better at baking than cooking which is a shame I have a wheat intolerance/allergy.

I had Rocky over Sunday evening for dinner and a movie, and just chilling out. He said he adored my cooking, and was glad I had made some for him. It was good, eggfried rice with plenty of veggies. He asked to stay and cuddle, and I said sure.

It was normal and quiet and a good evening. Seems almost a shame I'll be gone in 15 days. But I can't pretend it will actually last this time. We'll see. I'm taking things as they are right now.

Today I woke up early, very loud birds outside my window at 430 am.
I helped rocky find his keys to his car as they had slipped out in the couches twilight zone that had sucked up my phone for three months haha.

Also, I found out Rocky is headed to Brussel's next week. He has a two day trip planned with a lovely lady. He was like "its only a friend" and I winked and said, its cool. Go have fun :D I guess I over sexualise things and he takes relationships even slower than me and errs on platonic more often than not. He started the whole conversation with "But she doesn't talk as much as you.." And I Was like...Rocky you got to promise not to compare her to me when you're there. I mean you can If you want, but its not going to help you if you are finding faults in people because they *aren't me*. Other people might have similar traits or different and that's ok to compare but don't expect others to be me. :)

And I thought to myself, i'm not the be-all-end-all anyway, I'm just a woman doing my thing the best I know how.

Anyway.

So at 430 am I spoke to Gabrielle. I know I spoke here about downgrading him before, but I didn't follow that up with actions. I did today after a comment from him saying "I guess us two men really meet all your needs [Star]". I kind of went, no- I don't want to be that committed to someone I haven't met. Right now Rocky meets some wants. I wouldn't even say he meets all my needs with him :p And I don't think I can meet any of Gabrielle's needs other than in depth conversation, and well only sometimes.

My libido has gone underground again, its been in fits and starts since this time last year. I had good sexy times with Rocky last night, but I find myself not really desiring to be sexual with Gabrielle the more I learn about him the more I feel friendly towards him. It's the nature of things. And that is the way this is. Discovery phase in dating, and so far my discovery is: "He's a great person, just not for me."

Rocky easily and of his own volition told me he loved me last night. That was comforting but I no longer *need* this. So many times of being hurt by him, and back and forth, that I'm happy to take him at his word when he tells me something and not worry if it stays the same tomorrow. We are headed to the beach for the last time together before I move. :) I am looking forward to this.

I two have been the person who is back and forth on someone, and usually, ultimately decided I didn't want that person- Rocky has been the only exception to that rule, and H my childhood-sweety.

I have god, about 10-12 dates (mostly platonic and friendly interest) set up for new home town. That will be fun.

My exercise of choice is mostly walking and sex, and house cleaning. All else is not really happening as I got sick last week and this week some sort of stomach bug. So instead i'm focusing more on calories. :)
 
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Well I thought it went well, only it didn't.
So Gabrielle is hurt and angry and lashing out, passive aggressive style.

This too shall pass.

It was done in a spirit of firm boundaries and kindness and figuring out some things I need and want.
 
Rocky got jilted by the Brussel's girl :( Left him £300 out of pocket. I told him to go by himself and just have fun anyway, but he said he'd rather hang out with me.

Well. I told him I'd make a conciliatory dinner.

Other things are shifting beneath my feet right now besides the move.

Got a really strange phone call from the ex-husband today. Apparently Shooting star had yet another day of exclusion from school. 2 In the last 2 weeks, and 3 in he last year.

So now he's seriously reconsidering sending at least her to me full time in September in new home town. :O

We'll see how this news settles in the next few months. It will either escalate or it'll settle down and he'll forget this conversation.

Had a good conversation with Gabrielle this morning, and a funny light hearted one with Rocky last night.

13 days now. :)
 
Packing up a few boxes to store at Rocky's for the 10th/11th. He'll stop by one of those days most likely- instead of brussel's.

I'm working through my second Wheel of Time book. Rereading the series. But I'm terribly slow this time through as I know I have dyslexia, so I am taking the time to read and process, instead of skim read when my brain stops processing.

Weight loss stalled at 13.2. Not bothered. :) It'll get there when I'm out in America, lots of sunshine, warm weather, and a swimming pool at my parents house. I reckon I'll stay with them for around 2 years. Then I'll move on after finishing my massage therapy course.

I started some research on my mothers business, she's really slowing down now and thinking of retirement but unfortunately her business isn't at a place she can just neatly hand it over to me, it really needs her right now. So I'm hoping with baby steps I can step into those shoes, and either sell it on, or build it up in various other ways. It has a good flow of people to the website so she might be able to set up some advertising for residual income. We'll see.

Not much going on in the poly front, I've chilled that till after the move and just talking friendly to people on OKC and WhatsApp occasionally.
 
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