Living Truthfully Within

So I have been working on my hair polava for about a month now.

I had dyed black hair, on midcolour brown/blonde.

I had about 3 or four lots of dye from top of hair down to tips. I stripped the dye 3 times, then bleached the hair 3 times, and tones I twice. This took an entire month because I had to wait a week in-between bleaches. It's now starting to look a bit normal. But wow what a process. It's gone a bit too far the other direction and its all kinds of streaky as I've never done this before. I don't think I've ever bleached my hair before, or done it blonde. It was just naturally highlighted in summer on its own.

Ugh but for ages it was brassy blonde grossness, and different shades, went from blonde to orange/red and now it's looking a lot better.

And after all that effort I miss the black hair! LOL. But there's a practical reason for blonde, and also a curiosity. I used to have naturally white/platinum blonde hair as a kid, so I'm kinda curious what it would be like to do that again. :) I may end up with a pixie cut though because of this, but we'll see.

My cat has been gone almost a day. Which is annoying because I had found someone to take her today and they have to come back another day.

Le-sigh. I should have kept her in last night.

Gabrielle and I are resuming reading together. We'll see how this new development into friendship works. Do we have enough commonalities? I think so. We'll see.

Rocky is stopping by tomorrow. He seems preoccupied and distant today. I'm worried about him. I hope he's ok.

I'm preoccupied as well but I'm good at keeping myself busy from stressors.
So I'm unpacking, repacking, finding better ways to organise. Going through everything again and again making sure everything is in it's right place. I Won't have a second chance to come through once it's done. That's it.

Some things rumbling around in my head but not sure how to articulate yet. I'll come back to this when I find the words.
 
I want to be as strong as Gabrielle with boundaries around friends and lovers. After I scaled back he's been totally cool and very good with maintaining it.

I don't do the same with rocky, and then get hurt. And always want more. If I were in Gabrielle's shows with me and my behaviour I'd be a desperate, angry, not friendly puddle.

All these potential men knocking at my door and all I can think about is either Rocky or Gabrielle. And then being heart sick and heart broken and utterly confused.

Go away period from hell.

Also my cat has now been rehomed, and it's 1 week till I leave. All these combined is leaving me a teary mess today. So I am going to curl up with a heating pad and comfort food which I've done. Pizza, icecream, and Netflix and my duvet.

I go to the beach for my last day with Rocky on Thursday. How many times do I have to say goodbye do this dude? It never gets easier, and I just love the shit out of him. STILL. It's never gone away, and even after almost a year away its still there.

Gabrielle has been such a rock in all this and his friendship means a lot, his respect of what I can give also makes me feel very safe.

God i'm going to have some serious grieving to do this week so I'm productive when I get to New Home Town. I will be damned if I let my mother or any other family member see any bit of weakness.

On the plus side, had a fantastic few weeks leading up to today, and I bought bunch of makeup for my new hair and fixed my hair so it looks a lot better too. I'm pleased with the outcome so far. :) I will do this adulting-life-thing and get my shit all together to move, and hold my head high and proud. Tactical retreat, not defeat.

At least this time the goodbye with Rocky does not include shame or guilt. I will end up with wonderful amazing friend at the end of it. It's better than I hoped, and less than I wanted.
 
Six days! Woot woot!

I am feeling a huge amounts better today :)

I'm looking forward to the beach tomorrow. Today is packing packing packing some more. I think my final reorganisation is done woot woot. I bought some bubble wrap, and labelled things fragile etc.

Life is good. Hard but good. I'm going to miss this place but I'm also looking forward now. Onwards and upwards.
 
OMG! Four days! Ieee!

So, Wow, I've had the most magical weekend. It's bank holiday weekend here. Easter weekend, whatevers. I rarely celebrate it because 1) I am not pagan or Christian, and 2) my daughters birthday always falls around that time, so I just throw in some egg hunting if I feel up to it, but her bday is always loads more important.

This year however, Wow. I went to the beach with Rocky, its the second time in 2 years, we live super close but it's just, he is so busy and we usually plan other fun adventures. Plus we spent most of 2016 apart pissed off at each other, so it was really good to be in a better places now.

We went down to a different part of the same beach we went to last time, it stretches all the way up north of Dover/Calais crossing, and so we got to have both sandy quiet alcove, with hardly a soul there, and white cliffs. It was breath taking and so needed. We walked around some fort/castle thing. And then we went down and explored near the cliffs, we didn't go in the water as it was super cold still. Then we did some shell hunting and found one for each one. I found one with brown stripes on white that matched his hair colour. And he found one with orange and turquoise that matches his house. I suggested doing this once a year, where ever he travels to the ocean, picking up a stone or shell and putting them in a basket in his bathroom to display. He loved that idea, and since a lot of his home is turquoise and blues and golds/silver and whites it'll look fabulous.

All this remodel porn is making me so envious XD I'm going to be in a room for two years at my parents place. But that's ok, can't complain. It'll be a stylish home- and I have permission to do up my room...so I've found some ideas but I'll share later because it's not yet in my budget and I have to wait Till I get there. So back to the beach. :)

He spent two nights at my place, we watched the second Hunger games movie, we went out to dinner twice and breakfast once, and picked up snacks inbetween. There was a beautiful old style English pub next to where we were at the beach that we sat in an had some alcohol, I got super cold and stole his coat because I was silly and packed up my coat already since It's very warm where I am going compared to 50 F/15 C.

After the trip there and back, we went down to Enysford/Farmingham, and sat in the Lion Hotel Pub, for dinner and had a walk around the village.

I'm linking a picture from online of the place as I don't have the photos myself. Rocky still has them but I'll set up a photobucket here in the future :)
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This just gives you an idea of where we were at. It's such an idealic little village and I have been down there many times over the last 5-6 years. In the summer I like to take the girls to paddle in the water. It's fun times.

We had a lot of intimate sexy fun times, which I Was surprised about because we recently had an almost/pregnancy scared that kind of put us off the whole thing. The very last thing I need to Rocky's child. Holy mother of God, that'd be a real pickle! But how he handled that mini-crisis blip, was amazing he was so kind and supportive (even as I was terrified, and now that this has happened twice in 6 months for me I need to go get my coil looked at and make sure it's still in the right place.) And we built up a lot of trust that had previously been broken because of his bad behaviour towards me, we really took a pragmatic and practical look on how that'd all go if that had had happened, and we were both relieved it didn't. But it was so sweet how rallying to the front he was. He was completely fine with whatever decision I wanted and we just so supportive. We have both grown a lot over these last few years, together and apart.

Anyway, he comes by again tomorrow!
I have a friend from west-city stopping by. Then going to my art friends house on sunday to Monday and doing artwork and having dinner. I booked my cab to the airport. Gosh life is just good. I'm so excited!
 
Well,
Today is Sunday.
The 18th is 2 days away. :)

I talk to the girls today, and Rocky and I had a lovely evening last night.

We went to the mall and walked around, we had dinner (gluten free pizza at an Italian place), and then Froyo's afterwards. We talked about so much. We had sexy fun times at my house, and we talked a little bit about serious stuff. We hashed out if it were possible to maintain a long distant thing, and realised it's probably not realistic in a relationship sense, but we are going to keep being in each others lives as friends (with the occasional fun when we're in each others vicinity). We'll review in a year where we are both at financially and emotionally in a year to see if we want to pick things back up.

He's such a strange guy - i'll never truly understand what's going on in his head. While I am telling him of my plans to go abroad he's saying things like "Lets go home [Star], to our bed." I think we're all like that- we are all strangers to one another no matter how close we think we are.

I'm not sure I see us realistically having a relationship later- however I do have a lot of strong ties in the UK. My kids are here. Also, I'll be here at least once or twice a year, and he's booked time off for next year to come visit.

So, we'll see.

In the mean time we're both focusing on living our respective lives getting on with things, and we've had a fun wild ride, with ups and downs and a lot of laughter and love.

Before he left we played cards on the floor of my now empty house. We drank lemonade as well. It came full circle- one of the first dates I ever did with him was playing cards on the floor and drinking lemonade. It was a fitting end to all the love in this house.

I had a mini panic attack after he left, our kisses were so bitter sweet, full of love and pain. I am learning to love and let go. And to understand that it's ok. But partings are so hard.

I called up Gabrielle in the middle of my hiccupping tears. Sometimes you want to cry alone. And sometimes you need a friend. I had done alone tears, now I needed a friend. It was comforting and he was kind. I felt a great relief I'll have started a team and network of people in the area to talk to and be friend with. There's my brother, my grandma, my step dad, my mom, and Gabrielle. Each ones for different things, each one loved in different ways.

I am packed I am ready. I got this.
 
Today's D-day!

Oh goodness, I have all he nervous energy coursing through my body this morning.

I'm so excited about this new chapter. :D

I finally got the beach pictures from Rocky which I may post here at some point.

Eeep!

I just don't have a lot to post because I'm just still finding the whole journey so surreal. :) I can't believe today is the day!
 
Congratulations, Star! I hope this new chapter brings you much peace, healing, and happiness :)
 
Wow I have a whole bunch to update in the last week!

First though, thanks pink pig for your well wishes! so far so good. I am very much loving the sunshine and warm weather. I'm currently based out in AZ now, and the long endless days of sun is amazing. I am even in the first week starting to gain a small amount of tan, something that hasn't happened in years. I litterally feel my vitality strength and rejuvenation returning and am so grateful for it.

So on the dating front, I went on a platonic friends date with a woman on Saturday. We went to the local zoo, and walked around. She is kind and interesting but we didn't have much in common so I am not sure we'll escalate more than coffee friends. I spent much of my time listening to her, and learning about the local area.

Then yesterday, I met Gabrielle finally. We spent I think around 7 hours together.
We played a board game at the park where we met at first. And then we wandered around and he taught me the local fauna. I think I tried to kiss him, first, I'm not sure, because it just felt easy as my body adjusted to being around someone I trust a lot mentally. So then we had cuddles and making out and that was wonderful, we went to lunch at Chinese, and then back to his place to escape the sunshine and heat somewhat.

As we got in the door I was greeted by the most cheeky and funny cat I've met in sometime. This helped my adjustment a lot as I'm missing my fur baby so much. :( but I'm really glad the the cat liked me, the second cat was far more skittish so I only watched it.

After that we pretty much turned into tearing each other clothes off, because we both had been talking with a lot of sexual stuff before I got out there, a few months now, and the sexual tension was pretty high. Omg, he gives the best head I've ever had. Hands down ever. And well, me and rocky are pretty tame in that department, so, I was a happy puddle. The whole thing was so sensual, we are incredibly compatible sexually. And we spent quite awhile exploring and learning about each other. We spent a long time cuddling and talking too.

After that, he was a gentleman and took me home as I've had to start the driving process from the ground up.

I'm so doing that again. Our conversations were fun and easy, the sex was amazing, and I spent a fair bit of time laughing at things we both found funny. Ooh he has this lovely long hair that I really enjoyed playing with.

Rocky and I continue to text and send flirty messages, I think we might sexy Skype soon, and there's still a lot of love there. We'll see if it tapers off or continues, I am not so worried anymore about long term plans, but I do sometimes daydream about it anyway, knowing it's probably pie in the sky thinking. ;)
 
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Well...
Rocky totally has an avoidant attachment style because here I am half-way around the world and i'm getting texts *every* day initiated by him, and not just sexy stuff. Kitten pictures, pictures of hwat hes up to, family/friend/work, and then hot and steamy sexy stuff later on.

But holy cow he opened up today!
I was texting for a bout twenty minutes sexy stuff, ideas for when I come out, etc, and then Gabrielle popped up on my text too and I was..incredibly saucy to be talking to them both. I was like..ieee..this is too much good fun. :) I don't think I kept up conersations well as I usually don't juggle two text conversations of that nature at a time..but yummy!

Gabrielle and I went down the rabbit hole that was last sunday, and..I'm wishing I could have seen him before I roll out of town for business trip. Sigh. I'll be back next Monday and have more updates of a poly nature then. I really want to see him again. NRE-land-revival?

I will be thinking about both of them for awhile tonight. :D:rolleyes:
 
Wow is conference is kicking my butt. I have done wedding fairs and conventions but this one is pretty massive. And very technical and I've had like...zero training except that in the past I did some art for this group.

Anyway..
I am learning so much stuff.

I have been up at 5 am and going to bed at midnight for three nights now. So shattered.

Plus I have sold around 3 k worth of stuff in 2 days. This is a big difference mentally for me compared to the past year. In three days this business is doing better than half a year with my art :p

I love my art, but I think it's not going to be a business any longer. Work on this new endeavour...work on massage therapy course, combine the two (which are really complimentary) and it should be good. I am so enjoying learning new things challenging myself and pushing myself to new monetary and success life goals. This has been a good move.

I have still been missing my boys. More long distance communications from both. Enjoying getting to know Gabrielle, hoping to see him Tuesday, might have to change schedule as we might be staying another day just to rest. I don't blame my family business stuff. We're all shattered.

I am not putting all eggs into one basket with this though. Got some possible feed back for gallery job part time and part time job at my brothers place. We'll see on both.

I really miss being tactile with Rocky. It's a keen ache that will not dull for sometime. It cannot be replaced or replicated, or substituted with another lovers time.

I also miss my girls a lot but I am far more accepting of the latter as I have a goal with that. Work on this business and get into massage therapy and fight again. Tactical retreat as Gabrielle said, May have lost a battle but haven't lost the war. My girls know my love and commitment. I picked them up a postcard today. :)

Anyway today we had surprise visit from my sister her kids and husband. We went swimming, and had dinner together at a Japanese food place. The kids were adorable. My sister really respects my parenting despite it all. I find it odd people do as I've been culturally taught a woman not with kids is not acceptable. But, I do know I am a very patient and loving mother.

I think. I may have figured out the health problem too that is a genetic thing my mom has. So I'm going to contact a doctor about ti and signup for research...
It would explain a lot and help me get the help I need.

Anyway, things are going swimmingly. I am going to pass out and get some rest now. Long days and I am helping drive for 6 hours on Monday and again on Tuesday. I forgot how big the USA is. :) it's...refreshing.
 
So, I took some time to write here because I knew Gabrielle was reading this, and he and I had an abrupt departure.

I decided to go No Contact with him after enough yellow and red flags breeched my trust with him. I realised we were fundamentally incompatible.
Here's the points that made me aware of this:

1) The fact that since I first started talking to him I had gut-feeling that told me no I couldn't cope in what he was dealing in with his life.

2) I could not respect his mental health disorder. His human suffering though real and empathised, were in my opinion ridiculous to be diagnosed as PTSD and I felt many of his issue were small and silly.
Did he wake up to bruises? No. To repeated long term sexual assault? No. Did he watch some die? No. Or have a near death experience? No. Did he have court, or stand up against society while his own kids were torn from his chest? I felt we were on two different leagues of pain and I could not, would not, stand there and listen to how is mommy scolded him, be as serious as a being held by knife point. Just. No. I have two children I have to worry over and fuss over in a very real situation of abuse from their dad, dealing better than he is. He is close to 35 or near there, and has yet to address this? Just realising it now? Has he lived in a bubble his whole life? Wake up princess. I cannot have empathy for this. Maybe I should, maybe that is a failing of mine, but I know I cannot be friends, or lover with someone I cannot respect. I cannot respect this struggle.

Normally I would not be so dismissive of such a serious condition, but considering that the biggest issues he felt were an issue were mother-issues. Which are real and valid! I still don't feel are PTSD related.

I felt he was being honestly taken advantage of with this therapist for the exorbitant charges, and I disliked the fact that I was often psycho-analysed by both him and by third party from the therapist themselves.

Moving on past this point,
When we were in a sexual situation he chose to talk to someone on the phone loudspeaker while he was doing stuff to me physically. He continued to do stuff while on phone. Normally I wouldn't mind a bit of foreplay or stranger stuff. But I did not want to hear this woman's life and I had no chance to say no while this woman was on the phone. It was too close to rapey experiences for me, and caused me to emotionally cut cords from him even further. I know he did not intend it this way, it was simply something he would say was "mind blind" because of the way his mind works. Which I understand and I get, so I don't hate him for that, but I cannot be in a relationship with him because it would happen again and again, in many different ways not just this way, which crossed a line for me. Also I wasn't even able to put words to why I felt this way on the day it happened. It took me 3 days afterwards to realise how seriously pissed off I was about this and revolted.

Does this make him a rapist? No. But our sexual styles are quite incompatible, and his ability to respect boundaries and understand appropriate sexual cues and body language and ask for what people want and respect that is VERY different from mine.

Ultimately he is on a journey of healing that will take many years and in the process if I helped him it would harm me. I won't harm me, so I backed off to No Contact- this was the right choice for me.

I don't identify as poly or mono at this point, I just identitfy as me, and I'm taking a break from dating in general. I am focusing on work, which I found a job, getting a car, which I got a license sorted here locally, and saving money to see my kids in August. I have also been spending a lot of time with family. And this is good. I've had to contend with 2 mothers days this year and that's exhausting in lieu of my children not being around. I am also exhuated with dealing is my mother's mental health problems and setting appropriate boundaries around that. I certainly don't need to do that with two people who are working on their shit. It's too exhausting. Especially as I also been being there for my brothers mental health. I have turned into the family therapist and mother hen in a way. I am nurturing my 80 yr old grandma with love and laughter and quality time. We have been driving, shopping and laughing, and taking care of my mother in equal measure. Both my grandma, myself and brother all had a sobering talk on how my mother will not last the next ten years. Her health is too...bad. She is already shrunken in on her self, and she bends her stiff neck to my boundaries in a way he never would in her past.

But then I am more compassionate and also more firm in my boundares than I was 10 years ago.

The only one seeing me vulnerable is my brother. We have rekindled a very close relationship that is honestly the closest we have ever been, we wept together and cried together over our parents, of what we wish we had grown up around and over the lack of support we have given each other the years, due to distance, and triangulation of different people in our life, of overcoming weight issues and mental health issues, and of getting rid of abusers in our own life. We are so proud of each other and cheering each other on. I love my little big brother with such a fierceness.

On the Rocky front, he is dating now. He tried to couch it in, "friendly" tropes but I saw through it, and the last straw broke in my heart towards him when I found out she was allowed to be around friends and roommates and family and I was to be the secret still, even now.

My heart feels sad and broken and hard towards men and relationships right now and I will need much more time to heal. I hate that I still love him, and even knowing this would happen it still hurts like a dagger to my heart.

I must get my stuff from him and cut him from my life. I have spent far too long in the toxic wishful land that is Rocky. I am exhausted talking about him and thinking about him and no fairy tale land ending will happen with him and me.

But I will not end this on a sad note. I am kicking ass with weight loss, I have killed it at my first interview and my second is Monday. I am succeeding here in a way I have never been adult like this beore. I have never been this autonomous, it will be the first time in my adult life I will have spent an entire year earning my own income and making my own way. I choose to stay with my mother and grandma to help take care of her, but also, to spend time with family after 11 years apart. I will push past the bad moments and make the most of the good and accept my mother and her limited ill self and love her anyway. I may not be able ot give this to Gabrielle or Rocky because I do not have the resources but I am giving it to the people who matter right now to me: My mom, my brother, my grandma and my kids.
 
I went to my intereview today. They hired me but said I Was overqualified. So I am thinking of declining. I said I'd let them know by end of today.

The reason I don't want to accept is they said "Well we yell at our staff a lot are you ok with this?" And I just thought, actually no, no i'm not. There's many jobs in the world where you won't be treated like shit and shouted at. If I am overqualified and I'd be getting less than the statewide national wage, then, I will pass.

So I think that will be a firm Hell No.

Off to two employment centre's first thing tomorrow morning to get some help finding a better job.

Eerily his choice of words was so similar to my last employer at the pub who did indeed terrify me with his yelling. I already know I can't handle that. So I am glad I learnt that early and turned it down.
 
Just went through the books and memorabilia my mother has kept for me all these years.

I have journals, around 25 of them, dating all the way from when I was 10 until now. Crazy. Everything from being a child, and writing my first journal, right up to marry my ex husband and all the way to pictures of my children in my womb. I have no idea if anyone will ever read these. Maybe my girls one day. I even came across a Mormon patriarchal blessing I was given..interesting to see what has happened and what hasn't.

Some of it, especially about my kids were very emotional for me and I most just checked what year the book encompassed to put them in order on my bookshelf. I didn't have the heart to abandon any of them, or destroy them. Maybe one day I'll combine them into one book using only quotes and anecdotal information. Perhaps. Or... perhaps not.
 
I have just started making some female aquaintances. I have had two women in the past week ask for my number. That's something. I go a lot slower than this considering anyone friends, but aquaintances is fine. :)

I also go asked on a date weirdly for this weekend too.

It's been a pretty social week. My brother has moved back out of state. So I will not be able to be his support network as much anymore, but at least were closer time zone, so maybe I will be. I miss him already. It was so nice to spend and entire month rekindling out bond as siblings.

He gave me his acoustic guitar, so now I might learn that too.

I rearranged my room I am staying in to accommodate my fitness stuff, and my musical stuff.

Tonight I went to a belly dancing class that's local, and that was fun. I met someone who was born and raised in England hahaha. Funny small world, they even have cousins near my kids. Crazy.

I realised why I constantly kept all these journals. Growing up my mom, who..has serious issues seeing reality the way it is,...would constantly tell me that what I thought and felt wasn't real. Ad change the way she behaved towards me in private vs public. In public she was the doting perfect parent, in private she'd shout at me, call me names, say I was a liar etc etc.

So I started to keep a journal from around 10 years old onwards, in order to keep track of my version of events. It took me a long time to realise she was reading my journals and I moved them online for security reasons.

I still find her trying to get into my ipad (which she did during the conference last month). So. Theres that.

Anyway, I don't hate my mother for all this, I mean I probably should, but, she spent an hour outside shouting for her dog and getting more and more hysterical when he was right next to the door and she wouldn't believe me that he was, until my grandma said it (because stars truth isn't true). How can you be upset at a person who is basically losing their mind and is too fragile to to even bend down and tie their own shoes, and walk more than a hundred steps. Who has physically shrunken from 5'10 to 5'6". I do not hate her, I feel sad for her, and he warped view of life in some ways. But I still love her, and I bought her roses for mothers day, he favourite kind, peach.

I am glad I am expending energy on the right type of person with mental health problems, my family, and well frankly no time for the rest right now. Time is short, family is precious.
 
Migraines for two days in a row.

Ugh.

Nothing else to report because of this. Really want my head to stop hurting. :(
 
opalescent said:
Ugh, that sucks starlight1! :(
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Thanks Opal xx, I'm doing a lot better today, I realised it was lack of water! But I also bought some asprin for future attacks and try to keep my "activity" at non-hot-peak times for AZ, everything here is alien and different for me. :)



OMG you guys I have a meetup with a scrummy couple this weekend. Teehee. :cool: I will update soon. I also did this wonderful painting today. I'm finally regularly doing art again! YAY!:D

I am hoping for my first threesome, maybe 4 some... :> Not quite poly, but they couple seem like really cool and kind people too and i'm so burnt from pursuing escalator relationships that I just want to have fun!!
 
So, the drinks went REALLY well. I met both the husband and wife at the same time. I'm glad the open relationship is legit. We met at a public place in daylight hours, just around sunset, and spent about 2 hours talking and hanging out. I took my own transportation, paid my own drink, and also keep the conversation light and fun while still answering questions.

No triggers, red flags, yellow flags. They asked questions about my profile that seemed like yellow flags to them, and I answered as honestly as I could. They asked if I ever cat-fished someone.
hmmm cat-fished? Not really. Ghosted yes. I was upfront about that. But then...a girls got to protect herself and sometimes ghosting is necessary for me. I am wondering what about my profile would make someone wonder that...lol.

It was fascinating they had actually read all my questions. I took down all poly related ones because of my mixed feelings on the subject, and because I was getting a lot of strange initial inbox messages. Of which has quieted down by keeping on the down low with sexual orientated stuff and letting that happen more organically.

They also invited me today to a meetup with other like minded geeky folks for lunch time. Just my sort of thing. So, this is all sorts of exciting. I've never been on a date where I felt initial attraction to both parties and we ALL got along well, with minimal awkwardness.

I wonder if this means my luck is changing on the dating front. They are so super sweet and I can definitely see myself as actual friends and if the other stuff happens fun if not that's fine too. That's a first in a logn time. Usually I am interested in friendship and not a lot of sex, or sex and not a lot of friendship, and I am sitting their trying to fit myself around that person instead of going "Does this persons values personality fit with me"? This move is the first time I've ever considered that, usually I felt like, any person who wanted to be my friend I was obliged to because I was that "nice" girl who never said no.

Knowing what is right for you, standing up for that, and going this is the type of people I want in my life is a super healthy life skill I've basically never had until Rocky. Holy fuck. That is..kind of an eye opener. I guess the therapy last year helped me feel confident enough to go, I am worth being friends with on equal terms of give and take and not just who ever will have me?

I had done that with dating with all the first dates, but never with friends/ tribe in my life. It was really hit and miss with my friend circles of how I was treated and who I let in for most of my life.

This is incredibly powerful and eye-opening. For the first time ever i'm not the last to be picked in a social situation, I am choosing for myself and going, yeah you're great but we'll be this far out. I keep seeing that gate metaphor in my mind and stopping my wagging tongue from going further. Even tipsy I did not mention the abuse with my ex-husband. It's not relevant to people I just met. It may never be. Maybe one day. But not now. Also I have mostly moved to a place that is no longer and issue for me unless I make it so by further dwelling on it.

Some will still be tender for awhile, like my complex feelings of my brother and mother siding with my ex-husband, but the stuff between ex-husband and I? That is mostly resolved. We text / talk as co-parents on a nearly daily basis. Its very civil and platonic and healthy. I see no reason to drudge up the past and harm my future the kids future or his future. He's doing well with this new woman, she's helping..stabalise his illness and I am just relieved that burden is no longer on me. Poly has certainly helped me with this situation immeasurably. Especially on dealing in uncertainty, complex feelings, and taking responsibility for myself. It also helped me be aware that the most important thing for the girls is that they have plenty of love and stability around them. If I can't provide that on my own? Then I am glad someone else has stepped into help. I will not say no to more love for my kids, as long as those involved are not trying to sabotage relationships or make the girls choose loyalties. More love is awesome.

The most powerful gift of all with polyamory for me however is the ability to still love while letting something go, and not feel like that's a reflection on something wrong with me.​

I can love someone and say, we are not right, and that's ok.

or I can be released from someone in a escalator/romantic context and still feel loved by them.

It's not my ideal situation for sure, but its a mental muscle that was weak when I started learning about polyamory, and it's grown little bit by little bit over time. It's no where near perfect, I still have some abandonment issues...but it's a lot better than it was.

I am still flirting with this guy who I been talking to online for three years now peeps. THREE YEARS. holy moly. I never intended to be romantically interested, he was just a potential online friend and work contact. But over time I've developed a healthy level of respect and gratitude over the years for his messages and friendship. I do not know if he feels the same way and I'm ok with that. But he's been a muse this past month for me and I've done a series of drawings and paintings surrounding this person and a bit like, drawing out what I think of a person VS who a person actually is...

That space in-between those two points, for me, can be blurry and remind me a lot of my mothers thinking. I need to tread carefully there and not fall into the same traps I did with past relationships.

I can see the patterns now. (Another positive of journal writing you can go, holy shit I have a large Achilles heel there!). I'm sure you all noticed it long before I did, my ability to project fantasy onto someone is pretty easy to do. It makes me a fabulous artist, and great at my families business as far as entrepreneurship goes but holy fuck is it a problem with men and wanting that family/relationship dynamic for myself. :)

So I will mentally check myself with false hope and expectations and fantastical thinking in terms of this work friend online, and also this new couple. This is a new Star chapter, with new ways of doing things, to the best of my ability anyway.:D
 
Well, I just had a most fabulous day. :)

The party went well and I made some more new female/friend aquaintances. One from overseas near where to I used to live. Another few local, and of course the hosting couple who I went on the initial date with.

That night the wife went out with a man on her second/third date with him, and I got some one on one time with the husband. That was..wonderful. They were easy to talk to, we laughed a lot, spoke about a lot of stuff, played with the animals (They are pet freaks like me yay- they are getting a dog soon and have two cats and a fish tank with snails too.) I very much like them.

The husband is so stable and chill. If ithis develops at all into a regular thing in the next couple of months I'll put some names down here.

So far its a bit more open/swinger than it is poly, but....

Holy moly is the husband love language touch. We are almost simultaneously mind/body reading each other that way on an uncanny level :O I haven't been this...I cant explain, sexually emotionally compatible since Rocky. It isn't about technique, or skill, it's..something I can't seem to really find words for. Its not a smell or looks, though those help, or dominace/submission etc. It's mostly an inituitive emotional mental bond thing that I cant really describe.
And its very peaceful. I feel peaceful right now. We had fun, we parted as friends, we have plans to meet next week. I have a lot booked this next week so I can hope to fit in seeing hi magain. I spoke to them about their agreements, they have a spare room I can stay at when I stay over. They are very experienced and whatever weirdness I felt with both Gabrielle(and partner), and Trip(and partner), I am having none here.

Maybe because I already know no escalator will happen it stops the internal crazy. Whatever the reason, I Feel safe and its working for me.

Commit-a-phobe help line needed :p


I'm seriously going to try to not over think this and instead just enjoy how much I wanted to kiss him- I could have easily spent the entire night just kissing, and kissing and cuddling and kissing. It was terribly romantic.
 
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