Living Truthfully Within

best moment of group conversations:

The wife: "we have all the time in the world to get to know one another"

The husband: "I can't wait to do many non-sexual things with you Star. What do YOU want on Thursday? I want to spoil you"

We decided on making gluten free pizza...there's the possibility of mini golf but with a soccer ball and large holes that you kick it into. Never heard of this before, but sounds really fun. I am unused to being pampered in any way like this. He wanted to make me dinner. I cant remember the last time that I got pampered like this..truly. I mean...I was a little flabbergasted. Not that rocky didn't spoil me, but his love language was money/gift orientated. And this one is quality time/doing things together orientated rather than money.

Wife is so adorable in her NRE land for this mystery man shes into.

They are both so chill too and very down to earth/responsible.

I invited the wife to belly dancing class as open invitation whenever. :)
She said she'd definitely come along sometime.


And life is ticking on.

Went to an interview for a VERY nice art gallery. I made some homemade cards for thank yous for interviewing me, (with my own art hehe..they wanted marketing skills what better way to do it yeah?) I got some ACTUAL advice on the cards layout/design and art choices from the Husband via text. I am glad because most people are like..omg SO gOOD! And I want actual feed back that helps me alter/change/make improvements...not just people saying how good I am. I know I have a lot of room for improvement :)

And I am giving that to them tomorrow.

I'm having a really good time here, everything seems to be falling into place rather effortlessly- well I say that its actually a lot of bloody work.

But it feels effortless because I'm just so fucking happy to be around family and be productive and have this art block gone and feel like I'm moving forward in life again.

vitamin d3 and exercise is making a huge difference to my health.

Ohhh and tomorrow is 75 days of continuous logging my food- I am getting back to the 170s now :D I'm going to fly to 155-160 again in no time. Starting to see definition in my calves.

I am reading on the forums aobut the thread with different motivates for Poly. I'm trying to figure out mine. I think for me, poly is like being an artist. Even when I try to run away from it, it finds me, in unexpected ways, some good, some not, but an ever present thing in my life. Just like art, and I have equally mixed feelings about it, just like my art. Though when I stop worrying about both, they take off and I am flying in a place of joy, of variety, contentment, peace and excitement all rolled into one.

I also decided to stop looking for any new sexual partners for a time. I am enjoying where things are heading with this husband, and i'm focusing on friends- job hunting etc etc.

I keep thinking i'm done writing then I come back and add osme more. not even worrying about making this post legible, I've had 6 hours of sleep, broken up by 3 hours inbetween. and been out all day at a work training siminar (830-330) plus the interview for the gallery.
with tueday belly dance, and Wednesday the clinic for testing, and Thursday the date, and fridaya friend from Jordan is coming in town for ten days and i'll be spending some of the weekend with her..

ANd then seeing the couple again. I..want to be around them, its so easy and lovely and wonderful. I really like them as people. never in a million years did I imagine my blog would take the turn of actually trying out being a unicorn. I've been fending off potential couples for years. I gues its easy as they aren't looking for htat and have absolutely no pressure or desire to make me do anything wit htehm. plus, I aspire to the wife's level of confidence in herself and the people she is involved in. I respect both of them a great deal so far. Lots and lots of conversations, and many, here we are in the moment, moments.
 
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That moment when you're texting and the person you're interested in says something vulnerable and makes your heart squeeze and you want to just hold them for days.

Yeah. i'm having that moment. So adorably cute. I can't wait till my date on Thursday.

I also got invited on a road trip with the couple and the group of ladies I met, to the couples bio family home.. :O

I..might actually go. who doesn't love the beach? but it'd be interesting keeping everything on the down low. ha. the siblings know already just no the parents or friends.

Learning to have a more chill and laid back attitude. It helps I have a huge amount of respect and trust for them.

With the crush/art friend online...he wrote a big long post on his public profile encouraging me in a roundabout answer. lol. funny guy. I took afew days to process that with a wry smile. He knows a lot of people. So its better if I don't write much about him. I have t osay the more we talk the more I really like him. Cant believe we've known each other almost the exact same amount of time as me and rocky huh.

Speaking of Rocky..
hes been texting me *every day* for a month now. Seriously, I went to look back at it and 9 times out of ten its him initiating. Today it was pictures from when we went to the bdsm club and he was in his suit and straight hair..omg..i melted. he wrote a big message on how he enjoyed that and wishing he had taken the number of the couple there who wanted to...play with us. :)

But I am not looking back as much as he is. I am facing forward fiercely and without worry. I am enjoying the conversations sure, but where hes saying "sweety" "hun" "love" I am saying, its so great to talk, lets talk later. My door is open but i'm busy. :) Funny guy, he really does have a serious problem with being on board with me the same time I am with him! And I know its not me because if I show him even a bit more affection he'll be running off :p So I wont play that game. let him say or wish what he wants, it will fade I hope because I am here, and investing in new people, new life, and new goals. my life is super busy and happy now.
 
I just had a serious light bulb moment!

I have been beating myself up for awhile now that I must be crazy jealous to put breaks and limits on some of the couples I had been involved with, like maybe it was proof positive I was totally unfit for polyamory and was a jealous not nice woman.

BUT I just figured out what was going on that made me realise why I put breaks on.

And its because of the quote elsewhere in the forum when Shaya and Gala girl were conversing:

Shaya: My question is based on the assumption that a monogamous couple tries polyamory in an attempt to add more love into their lives.

Gala Girl That does not resonate for me. Because to me, the couple is choosing to BREAK UP. You do not "add a third" to the existing relationship model. You deliberately choose to break up and end the previous model (monogamy) in order to practice the new model (polyamory.) Some people don't get that, and later wonder why they feel weird or out of sorts.
Click to expand...

In every "couple" I have been a part of, (not including he online friend of 6/7 years), but mostly Trip and P, and Gabrielle and partner...

These were couples who were either patching over existing issues in their relationship or using poly to change the relationship model that wasn't working in the first place for various reasons.

I cannot get behind being part of an equation where there are so many broken parts that it makes me feel like i'm being brought in to do damage control or fix the problem or make things all better.

So yeah that's been my issue with couples until this new one.

The new couple I am involved in are just amazing people in and of themselves, regardless of Poly/mono/ being involved with me or not.

They have no large red flag issues.
They are very happily married.
What issues they have had in the past have been candidly discussed.
they do no engage in triangulation with me,
or force or pressure me for anything including individual sex, group sex, fantasies, etc.
They do not treat me as an object individually or collectively,
they have no hidden agendas and are transparent and honest in their communication.
They do not let their libido be the deciding factor in other decisions.
Neither partner goes behind the other partner to try to "get me" or make decisions about me,
all communication is open and honest and straight forward and the best part is being around them as human beings is kind respectful interesting fun and I don't feel drained of energy or exhausted.

I feel uplifted, happy, energetic. They don't have any negative red flags either. They engage with me on social media, and in real life in an appropriate manner, they have their shit together, and they aren't dragging me down or bringing any drama to the table.

I..feel really grateful to have them as friends and anything more is just a bonus and not even necessary.

This learning I am worth having kind, generous loving people in my life, and being a kind generous loving person too...along with boundary setting for those that for whatever reason don't help me with those two goals...

well its just changed everything for me. Truly, everything.

Also trusting my persistent feelings that something isn't right, that it isn't working even without concrete evidence yet, is super important for me. sometimes they can be a wonderful human being and I still feel like we don't mesh well and that causes anxiety and issues for me because I cannot give them what they want, but I want to. its learning that equation again and again, love me 51% and everyone else 49%.
 
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So date night with the husband was...Really wonderful. :)

We made GF/Dairy free pizza. Super yummy.

We had an amazing time being sensual which got hotter and hotter and we eventually had sex, for hours. it was..amazing.
It seemed to go on forever. We have been in showers...floor..bed..couch hahaha. It was super hot.

And then we cuddled for ages, and he asked me to sleep over, so we did, and cuddled a lot.

Then he had to go somewhere the next morning and I spent the morning with the wife while she was just coming back from somewhere else overnight.

She's so sweet and kind and chill, and I really like and respect her. We talked about the husband and how attentive he is, and about men in general, and we flirted a bit. We're doing a pool party all three of us. And I'm going to a party of theirs on the weekend.

They also asked me to go on holiday with them in September...I might take them up for that! We'll see how I do after UK.

I've also lost weight this month! 5 pounds!! WOO!
I'm back on track to get to 155. :D

I'm feeling sexy wearing the husbands shirt while I type, and super loved by so many. I also got a very hot Green Arrow pic from Rocky as he went to London comic con. SO JELLY! a lot of my friends went to various ones across the globe hahaha

life is so good right now. :)

The 4 day employability course was a success I passed and I have a killer resume now. Holy fudge I have over 10 years experience in artwork, including marketing, sales, managing various size of teams. Why did I have no confidence in me? I'm putting this up on cork board to look at when I think I have no skills or worth. I know its like a plaster / band aide on true self worth(external source), but I have to start somewhere.

I think that's all I have to report haha. I'll write more some other day when I feel the need. :)
 
Today I had a super emotional talk with Rocky.

It was basically the same old same old: Why can't we ever make plans together? I want a relationship that includes life building and you aren't giving that and I think I can find that elsewhere but I am afraid of losing you.

He reassured me profusely that he loves me completely and that even if I get with this husband in a more profound way (or anyone for that matter) he'd still love me, and still want to be part of my life. But that his life and home and world building is in the UK and mine is here. That's the reality right now. Until he achieves that financial independence which oculd come suddenly tomorrow or take five years. Until that happens he said he's not building with *anyone* and its not personal.

And I so wanted to cuddle him.

I think it's just..I saw what a beautiful marriage is like with this couple. Sure they are only a few years into it, but they've been together as a couple outside of marriage for 6 years. I see this and I so badly want that with Rocky so we talked about what about marriage we like and don't and he heard me without judgement, and I realised he did his best to include me, but he can't help how his family and friends perceived me, and if I fit in or not. that was on them and me relating, not on him.

But he fit so well in my world, I just didn't fit in his. Theres grief in this. Theres wishing I did.

But I have found where I belong even if I never belong with a lover, and that's with me, wherever I am. And being around people who bring joy and happiness to myself.

I write a lot of complaints about rocky, but for every 1 complaint is about 10 more good thigns we do, do for and with each other. It's hard to let that go. The hardest thing is, how much joy we BOTH feel just by interacting with each other. We literally can't go longer than two days without talking to each other and checking in and saying we love each other. Now that all there is, is words and skype, and occasional gifts, he's saying I love you freely.

It was so wonderful to see that love with this couple, and to be some small part in their happiness as individuals and together is humbling.

I am not idealising them, at all, I know they aren't perfect and theres room for improvement, we all have that, but they are really beautiful in their flawed ways. :)

I think..the husband wants to be dedicated to me the same way he is with his wife and that's..very shocking for me. He approached me on OKC, he checked out my profile and reread it a few times to get info to ask on the date, he has rememberd things I said and empathically listened, and even when I gave him a 411 cliff notes version of whats been going on in my life in the past 5 years, he didn't turn me away.

I didn't need to prove myself, or jump through hoops, their social circle hasn't rejected me, if anything they have embraced me, and everything is just happening naturally. I am pretty....content right now in life. Besides the blip today with Rocky. I just really miss him right now, I could really do with a rocky hug. I know I moan about him a lot, and we've been back and forth for years, and I don't know if we'll end up together or not but I do love that man, and I don't know if I ever will stop loving him. I don't know if that's possible for me.
 
Can I just say...one of my pet peeves of moving somewhere is finding new QUALITY hair dressers!!! UGH.

I got my hair cut today, and I swear all she did was trim the bottom. She didn't feather like I Asked. I even explained what it was when she didn't know. It's with a razor scissors, and you cut vertically in a chopping motion into the hair.

I even know and I don't cut hair lol.

I did manage to finally tame the crazy ass blonde in my hair *on my own* (Thank god for buying hair colour and doing it myself rather than hair dresser..) but I seriously shelled out 20 for a hair cut that was literally a 5 min trim my grandma could have done for free. Stupid. No layers, no feathering. I want a refund.
 
Apparently I'm really obsessed with writing here today.

I finished that course, and it was AMAZINGLY helpful, plus it actually counts as a recognised certificate ,so, go me!

Also, I had an interesting conversation with the husband the other day.

He got tested and cleared for std's and my test is on the 30th. He was the one who OK'd having condom sex without my test yet, and I was like as long as you're cool with that. And I'm looking forward to getting tested and hopefully cleared of all stuff. I have no symptoms of anything and only had a handful of sexual experiences in the last year, so it seems a fairly low risk. Just a normal check up.

We talked about one day being fluid bonded - just an initial chat. the wife chimed in on group chat on text, and said she was cool with it. I told them about my coil and plans for uh-ohs (exception of rocky and explained that near miss recently.)

Hm, I still need to find out if the wife is fluid bonded with BF, but other than that, I think it might happen in the future. It was just an initial chat but, So far so good.

It will require a lot more conversations first though. It's been a very long time since I've have been regularly fluid bonded with someone. I had an ex once, (2011) who we were together a year that was fluid bonded, but..not anyone recent. I mean Rocky and I would *occasionally* but like, only once a month, or once every few months. Not often. We compromised *with* condoms because of sensitivity issues.

But seeing as the wife, husband and myself are in near constant conversation all the time it won't be an issue haha.

At least on this side of the board no territorial issues yet. I am not sure why sometimes if eel territorial and others not. Like here I don't feel territorial at all. But I feel territorial about Rocky seeing a girl for comic con? o_O
I think its more envy than anything. I want to be doing that stuff with Rocky too, and be acknowledged socially, and be not a visitor into his world but a fixed feature...
I really need to let this shit go with Rocky. Truly. I don't know how but I know I need to. meditation, deep breaths, staying focused on the here and now..etc etc..still not working still totally dreaming about him and his babies. Weird. Maybe its hormones? I mean maybe i'll be one of those unfortunate souls who getting near the last hurrah and I'm going to spend my entire thirties wanting babies. (most women in my family have menopause by 40) I feel like my uterus has attached a sign that says : *BABIES NOW* hahaha. So perhaps its that...

I logically have no desire what-so-ever. but I really think it is hormonal. I think my body is acting like it was hwen I was 19. It doesn't seem to be affecting me *all* the time but certainly any time I think of Rocky. Which is understandably making the grieving and healing process annoyingly difficult.
 
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Ok I think I'll name this couple now because we passed a big hurdle tonight and I'm decompressing and thinking about it before passing out.

SO.

The man will be named: Landon
and the woman will be named: Ariel

So, tonight I went to a party. I met the couples family, friends, and also a "metamour"? I think. It's the man that Ariel is seeing casually.

I don't have a nickname for him and I don't know how often I'll meet him..but...for this post he'll be named Robert.

We all had a really fabulous time. It felt very natural for me. The only issue was wishing I could hug or casually talk to Landon and that was hard. It was much easier to cosy up to Ariel without anyone looking at us or anything, which we did a little, there was some touching and laughing and she really loved my gift to her. :)

At the end when the party wound down, I got to spend a few minutes with Landon, but it seems like when Ariel and I are in the same room we really gravitate towards each other without meaning to. Not to mean there isn't chemistry between Landon and I- there is. Just that, Ariel and I tend to joke and giggle together. Landon and I can both be in our heads at times.

I am having them come over next weekend for a pool party.

And I'm really digging how natural this is between us all. I really like all the people involved in their life, and the type of friends they make. Ariels sister and I chatted like a house on fire, she was really neat too. And I got to see a lot of common interest friends that are all part of one big FB group. So that was cool.

I guess there's not a huge amount to process because, it's been so easy, and I've had such a good time, and I felt no pressure. I got a few kisses and cuddles with Landon which he initiated...And it was hard for us both not to overstep friendly boundaries in public, but not so hard that it was an issue just more, both of us finding the right balancing act. Ariel did it much more easily and effortlessly, Landon and I tend to compartmentalise by not touching or being near each other at all, and only polite conversation. Maybe that's because there's obvious sexual chemistry there, and we were trying to minimise that as much as possible. I caught him once staring at me across the bonfire, and my heart skipped a beat- and another time I caught his eye. Another moment he touched my back and whispered in my ear. Small moments; but it made my heart race.

I will see them today (tonight) again. Goodness we see each other now like 2-4 times a week! :eek: I just realised we're booked up solid for awhile.

I love being this social. My life is so much healthier now than it was in UK. There is a tremendous burden lifted from me and I am happy.

Oh a few more things to add: I also spoke to Rocky and Irishcofee yesterday. Rocky on WhatsApp, and Irishcoffee on skype. It was nice to catch up with IC because it's been since...February? :) We're negotiating me doing some art that goes on his shop online. I might *finally* do some poly related cards and kinky stuff. We'll see! He and I are both coming out of a bad place and I missed laughing with him and talking about things so it was fun to keep it light hearted and friendly. I didn't tell him about the couple- early days and listening ears in my house haha.

And with Rocky its funny because I just got my hair done the same day as him so we were exchanging photos. We tend to do that randomly, have the same events at the same time, and then giggle about the coincidence.

Another person I talked to is....the art friend I mentioned whom I've been in contact with now for 3 years, I will give him a name too because we're planning on meeting up AND we're messaging each other like, once a week and now started texting/calling and sending physical gifts in mail..So interesting progression there. I also found out he's open to poly..:eek:

So his name will be WiseOne. He's about 11 years older than me, and we have a really good rapport. I rather like the dude. :)
 
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Learning how to make friends Lesson 1 in New Home Town:

1) If person initiates contact and cancels more than twice, stop trying.


2) If you feel like person isn't good fit in your life for whatever reason, and its a gut feeling. Trust your self assessment of whats good for your or not over what others think is good for you or not.

3) Except for this rule which is, if people have known you since childhood have a bad vibe about someone and it's more than 2 people in family, trust them, especially if you are also ignoring a bad gut feeling about someone.

4) Give to those willing to give equally in return, in a mutual give and take, and take the time necessary to let things unravel SLOWLY. There's no fire anymore. Not everyone is going to be BFF! And that's ok...let things shake out where they will.

5) Accept you are your first friend, and if you don't like yourself, it shows. Be ok in you.
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So some big shifts have happened for me in the last few months. Besides the mood, I've finally found some vitamins/nutrients through my health and fitness (nutritionist) friends that REALLY help stabalise my moods, and help me sleep. Since I have have started them a month ago I have no longer had nightmares at night. I've had nightmares for as long as I can remember. Almost every night.

The pills are also helping with my fat loss/fat absorption, vitamin absorption, natural energy levels, memory and concentration, and my liver. I am for the first time in my life not using senokot or other pills to go naturally, I wake up in the morning and I poo and its normal and its not hard and that may be WAY to much info but it's made a huge difference for me.

So yeah. I am loving this stuff. Best purchase, along with this move and general move towards health I have done in a LONG LONG time. I've spent three years watching others use this, and getting info on it before trying it myself...so I've have plenty of anecdotal evidence before I tried it out. :)

Also I am not sweating the small stuff either. I am telling this story to expedite that process and let it go. :)

On the thread of choosing my friends in New Home Town (now referred to as NHT), I have been cancelled 3 times by this one woman who is all over the place. I had origionally met her the first week in town, and she wanted to date me and I said no lets meet platonically I need friends in the area. Anyway, I shared small talk while going to the local zoo, while she talked to me a lot about her life. At the time I was really jetlagged and hadn't tried this new vitamin stuff yet and was quite frankly a little overwhelmed.

Then, I decided after that initial meet lets add each other to FB and be casual friends and see where it goes... and we did that.


She made plans with me a few days ago for today saying "lets meet at 11:30" I called at 11 to check as my text message yesterday went unanswered, and she was still in bed.

No apology, no lets reschedule...she just went..."oh I Was out late last night..."

And I said: "Well So I was I. I didn't get in till 2 am. "

So yeah. Lost a lot of respect for her there because SHE initiated all these times, and then flaked ?????? Weird.
People be weird sometimes. :rolleyes:

Oh well, off to lazertag tonight and more socialising. :) And getting my workouts done, I have had three hours of sleep so i'll take the down time to have a nap instead before the event tonight!

And hopefully I get to see Landon there too. I know Ariel will be there but no idea about Landon.
 
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starlight1 said:
I realised why I constantly kept all these journals. Growing up my mom, who..has serious issues seeing reality the way it is,...would constantly tell me that what I thought and felt wasn't real. Ad change the way she behaved towards me in private vs public. In public she was the doting perfect parent, in private she'd shout at me, call me names, say I was a liar etc etc.

So I started to keep a journal from around 10 years old onwards, in order to keep track of my version of events. It took me a long time to realise she was reading my journals and I moved them online for security reasons.
Click to expand...

I can so relate. I've kept journals since I was 13, and I now realize as an adult there was some of that going on in my family of origin, too. But I started writing down every conversation with XH for exactly that reason--because he was gaslighting me. Of course, I didn't know it at the time. At the time, I was utterly perplexed as to how I could think he'd said X when he was very clear later that he said Y.

I started writing the things down then and there to find out if I was really that crazy or not.

However, I know that even if my parents or XH were to read a journal I wrote 20 years ago, they would actually look me in the eye and tell me I'm a liar and I was lying at the time I wrote it. So it's enough that I know the truth now.

I'm sorry you went through that.
 
Yesterday I had a very minor panic attack and overshare moment.

Basically the person who runs the groups I go to regularly used to be Mormon and we got on this topic by accident when I picked her up to go to the event.

Anyway she asked me to go to a Mormon thing with YSA (Young Single Adults).
And I just went. No. Just no.

It's not that I don't like going out and doing free things. But there is NO incentive in the world that will ever take me back to Mormonism again.

I will be kind and nice to her, we'll both hang out, and I'll go to the group things but no. And I was SO tired and so out of sorts yesterday I accidently overshared because I really should have stayed home when I went out. I desperately needed sleep as I had only had three hours. And Now I feel like shit for oversharing about my past and life. UGH.

I really missed my girls yesterday too because there was someone who came along with with her 6 month old baby. Anyway..to make a long story short I'm feeling a bit embarrassed at my self- the old schism came back to haunt me after I felt so in-control recently. OH well i'll shake this off and hope it doesn't come back to bite me in the ass.

@What Happened
Thanks for piping in on my blog. It's always nice to have some interaction here. :)

I'm so sorry that you've dealt in something similar but i'm glad that my blog could provide some moral support.

Some people do..over time slowly (if they want) change. I am sorry this is not happening with your family. For what it's worth, theres always room for another blog here to tell your truth and we'll listen.

--------------


So after a good nights sleep, and the alcohol out of my system, I feel a lot less out of sorts.

I was really doubting my relationship last night, and my move here, and everything. SLEEP is so important and listening to my body's limits.

Ariel came out but not Landon. It was probably for the best, I was really acting almost punch drunk I was so tired. Me and Ariel were both Hangry...neither one of us had dinner. And I am super exhausted from peopling so today I'm planning on doing my errands and belly dance and talking to Rocky but other than that I'm keeping to myself. Even when I do these errands ect, I don't think i'll be very talky. I have to get on the task of job hunting.

God i'm so embarrassed I jus spilled my guts last night.
 
Well! And Now its a date with Landon on Friday too. :D :rolleyes:

This one will be fun...the rest of my testing results should be through and I got the green light from wife to go bare back and I know where the trail ends there too- we had a good talk about it all in group chat.

Exciting!

So I will be heading up to his place, for some sexy fun times. I thought he wasn't interested, but he said he's just been tired, (Long three day weekend was packed with mountain hiking, parties family visiting and job hunting) among other stuff. He also thought I wasn't interested! Huh. Weird. We both were being self conscious apparently. Its hard to maintain interest when you have to play it cool at a party for discretion.

So.....yeah it will be fun to spend all of Friday together :D

I also have another job interview today. And I'm down 8 inches all over my body in the last 2 months but only 2 pounds in weight lol. I wonder if I am converting fat to muscle?
 
Whew all things are good with the new friend that I accidently spilled guts too. she also doesn't want social circle to know about her Mormonism. maybe she's more on the fence than I thought?

Either way she was so sweet when I turned her down for YSA and i'm feeling a lot more relaxed about that.

I just have to keep reminding myself, not everyone is like my mom or ex-husand. In fact, most people aren't.
 
My art block is gone! I'm actively interested in art every day again. YAY.

I started this new herbal supplements that help with liver, fat absorption, energy, mood stabalisation etc. And I love them, its helped a lot with sleep, and feeling good about myself. I think some of this was nessecary nutrients missing from my body.

Either way, I feel like a whole different person emotionally. :eek:

I still have blip days where I feel some anxiety or sadness. However, I'm handling set backs so much better.

I have had three almost jobs in the last month that the interviews or process tanked...and I didn't get the job for whatever reason. It's been tough but I still value myself regardless.

I'm also loving working out as a stress relief. I have been a little antisocial with family lately, mostly because I don't want to share about my relationships accidently, and because I've been trying to get a LOT done.

Landon was a bit down last night and I tried to cheer him up.
I hope all is ok with them both.

As for me i'm having a bit of insomnia tonight, due to high libido, the rising temperature, and just general getting used to the new environment and life here. It's been hitting me in stages just how far from the uk and my kids and old life I am, and that's been like little punches to the gut and psyche at times which has made me a lot more introspective, and taking a lot of long drives, and spending a lot of time reflecting. I have been browsing on here a lot too. I don't have space to let loose and just cry here, so the drives help as I can get my tears out of the way and not have prying eyes. I also find my mothers company very draining when I am not well, as she likes to take a bad situation and make a person feel worse in order for her to feel better. It's..irritating.

So I am being patient with myself, and going, I will find the right job, just have to keep plugging along.

In the meantime trying to make some artwork I love that can sell.
 
The moments where you are up in the middle of night, out of a deep sleep for no reason?
:(

Feeling a bit uncertain about me and dating either person in couple as I've bene the one initiating everything from text messages to dates with Landon. Not so much with Ariel- she is equally initiating conversation and such. But Landon definitely.

Maybe i'll feel less certain when I see him in the morning.
 
Landon is stopping by while everyone is out of the house :>

That will be fun. I worried about nothing. It's quite a drive (almost an hour) so i'm pleased he's chasing a bit. ;) It's also extremely rare everyone is out of the house but me!

I may have found a job too. Woot.

Also I found a cockroach ALIVE in my water glass this morning. :O I hope it was a one off from a large packaging box i brought in my room yesterday. Cockroaches live through anything. I put it down the disposal. I'm sure that's not what the disposal was meant for LOL.
 
Well....
That was nice? But weird.

Having sex in the parentals place is less sexy risk taking and more awkward as fuck for me lol.

It was really great sex and we had a shower that's as sweet together...but...

I'm not sure where this is going with us. I mean we have great sexual chemistry and he's kind and sweet...but, we have very little to talk about? We tried but...it just felt awkward. There's a lot going unsaid I think.

I think he might be one of those slow open up people. He said he's coming to pool party on Sunday, so that's cool. :)

But I had said in text before he got here that I cleared my schedule for today to hang out only to find out he didn't want to hang out after we had sex...and we both seemed nervous and weird. I don't know...maybe I should not date till I move out? But that seems kinda unrealistic.

So maybe this is a FWB heavy on friends side?
 
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starlight1 said:
Well....
That was nice? But weird.

Having sex in the parentals place is less sexy risk taking and more awkward as fuck for me lol.

It was really great sex and we had a shower that's as sweet together...but...

I'm not sure where this is going with us. I mean we have great sexual chemistry and he's kind and sweet...but, we have very little to talk about? We tried but...it just felt awkward. There's a lot going unsaid I think.

I think he might be one of those slow open up people. He said he's coming to pool party on Sunday, so that's cool. :)

But I had said in text before he got here that I cleared my schedule for today to hang out only to find out he didn't want to hang out after we had sex...and we both seemed nervous and weird. I don't know...maybe I should not date till I move out? But that seems kinda unrealistic.

So maybe this is a FWB heavy on friends side?
Click to expand...

Yeah id take it slow.

Maybe he's leery of intimacy?
 
@Poly Snow- or I'm leery of it? All things indicate *he's trying* other than initiating text messages.

On the point of him leaving right away- I found out he had a stomach bug last night and spent the entire evening and today throwing up :(

SO! I was right something was off, but it wasn't me or him or anything to do with us and just general unwellness...

I'm so hyper sensitive after Rocky though that men just aren't *telling me what they feel* and in essence that happened here. The dude had 3 hours sex with me on the edge of sickness and I didn't even know he was sick ? :( On one hand I understand repressed men...on the other..whoa bodily functions are important.

Men if you're reading I need you to weight in...is the possibility of sex with a new exciting person more important than physical bodily issues (like being sick?) Any one else got an opinion about this with metamours or partners?

:confused:
 
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