@Powerpuffgrl1969
Your message I pondered on a lot. So simple yet so true. And as I was going to bed at midnight here today, I suddenly thought of this scene in a whole new light:
Monty Python: Witch Logic Clip
But you are right, I did sort of choose self-preservation. I am now shoring up my resources to fight again, but I don't know if I'll ever be in the right place to fight more. We'll see. I'm working on it. Baby steps. I'm still working on getting my feet under me.
Thanks so much for the congrats on the art, its very exciting at least in that avenue of my life, that part feel really great and i'm very very happy.
I can't wait to get started on the painting of the couple, it's going to be...gorgeous.
So many people are so quick to judge and not see the depth behind steady people. As if by having routines and jobs and no negative drama that they are somehow boring or less than. I have had other creative types comment on this in the past. But having steadiness gives me a place to realy sink my teeth into creative pursuits that are more challenging, and also find things beneath the surface of people ina slow unwinding.
It's like the difference between watching the sunrise, and being on a roller coaster. My whole life, until the last 2 years with the girls no longer living with me, have been a roller coaster of up and down, and even before then really. I Was starting to learn steady on and off for the past 6 years, but it was hit and miss. It was a lot less "bad drama" anyway. And a lot more good.
But now I crave simple pleasures. Like inviting Ariel and Landon over to toss a ball for hours to the canines here. Or, to sit in the sunshine painting.
The last few days I've been really unwell, I had been fighting off a cold for about a week and all of a sudden, on sunday night, I came crashed down. I slept straight through from sunday to Tuesday evening. And only came up for air to eat, take more medicine, putz around on here a little, and then pass out again. Weirdly though, it went away as quick as it came. I Wonder if it was the ruiminating on those past things to answer here (Or at least in some part that). I definitely had a "fight or flight" moment in my body after that post and was quite teary eyed and exhausted. But i'd also been "go go go" for days. So I probably just had an adrenal fatigue crash too.
And then there;s the sunshine /heat and new viruses/bugs in an area I've never been to before nor lived.
So lots of different possible factors.
Well I almost did an "old star" thing and cancelled going to the trip. But I know I need to go. First of all I'm feeling better, and secondly, I don't want to put off anything fun anymore because I feel I don't deserve it, and that was old thinking running around in my head.
I'm really looking forward to seeing Ariel, and I'm a little worried about Landon,...he's had a big burden wit ha new responsibility in the household, they took on board a disabled pet that's a lot of work, and I think its a bit too much with his job hunting and new area and no friends. I think it's further isolating him to be honest.
So hopefully I can cheer him up a bit when I see him.
He's still my friend after all.
Tonight I exchanged numbers with a potential on OKC. Theres been so many dead ends there lately because the people are just so unorigional. I mean..."hi how are you" gets pretty old pretty fast.
I did have a somewhat original copy and paste: "When did you Fly over here? because you sure are Wright for me!"
Maybe I should just go back to Solo poly, it was working for me, sorta. And I'm really not sure i'm cut out for long term relationships. I mean, I would love to have what a lot of women here do have, but i'm not sure I want to give up my freedom to do it. I love living with my grandma and mom preciscly because I don't have to be the primary homemaker. I do it 1/3rd of the time, and it's awesome. I also loved it when my aunt lived with me because we did it together with the girls. So that was only half the work too. It was nice to be part of something that was shared.
I could not, do not, will not and won't be the mother, full time care taker, of a man. And that's very much not been the way it works for me in dating. I don't know if that's because I tend to choose men who want to do this role more? Or because I lived in England so long? I don't know. But for whatever reason...I mean even the last guy in the couple was more homemaker than me! Landon is VERY stay-at-home type. And he was kind of put off anytime I did try to help.
He makes food, and cleans up, and takes care of pets, and does laundry..its pretty awesome actually- but he was dead sexy assertive in bed, and he does usually hold down a job just hasn't found a new one out this way yet.
So yeah..
And Rocky hated me doing everything for him. ROFL. I once cleaned up the bathroom, thoroughly, as a surprise gift (love language) and it really freaked him out.
He was interesting though, he knew NOTHING about taking care of a house before me, but he only ever wanted me to do it to show him, so he could do it himself and not rely on his sister or mother ever again, he was VERY glad to be doing it himself and now he does the very humorous grumbles that he has to pick up after his housemate who never does anything...LOL...
And definitely Rocky is much better at laundry than I am- the ironing and putting away part. He was pretty good at the details, and he liked the finishing touches. But then I was kind of balancing that with being better at finding places for all the small things around his place, so it wasn't all out of place.
Anyway...I really like where this new guy conversation is heading. He's tall, open on his OKC, handsome, fit, around my age, 33, (finally!- I really don't too well with 25ish, not enough life experiences yet with most..) He gave me his number, and messaged me first, which is all good things, we have a lot in common both parents living apart from kids, both nomadic and now settling down, both love travel and geeky stuff (steam, star trek, we were discussing the merits of different seasons), and I think I'll set up a meet up with him for next week.
My weight loss has stalled due to my illness but i'll work on it over the next few weeks. Its no point weighing right now as i'm in the middle of the time of the month. Sigh, why am I always on my period during my holidays somewhere fun? XD This happened twice with Rocky and now on my first "friends holiday". I've never done this before, gone on holiday with friends.
Another one to tick off my bucket list haha.
I will message you all when I am back in town! I will miss everyone, i'm kinda addicted to this site haha. It's my poly security blanket...
Mass Cuddles!
Oh and I wanted to answer one more thing:
How being poly affects my career is very real. If I choose to come out completely it could affect who I get paid from. Who I get work from, and who will trust me in the future. Men might be judged for jobs based on clothes, or skills, or work ethic, but women are judged with all that, plus being beautiful or TOO pretty, or too bossy or not, or kids, or no kids, or having left your kids, or... or... or....the list goes on and on and isn't necessarily just from men either, its also from other women.
I'm trying to be a small change in that, but there's only so many times you can speak up and get knocked back down. So yes, coming out here publicly is no small matter for me, and also, I know it would be easy to trace me via art. possibly with smarter IT types my email or username. and maybe it wouldn't be bad news for me, but, I doubt that. The internet is a different place to when I joined here all those years ago. Bigger, more regulated and monitored by the governments, less of a free space. Like a co-op store being taken over by Walmart.
Or maybe it could go the other way, I quietly step into my poly life, and do my art around what I am, what my life is, what my reality is, as I already do. The most likely thing to happen is my art goes viral and I get some publicity.
You know, even though I keep this blog i'm incredibly reserved in real life. Not a lot of people know about my life, so there's the loss of that too. As I step closer to my art goals, the possibility of losing my anonymity becomes more real.
However, its probably more exhausting fighting who I am than it is to say, I am this, and deal with the consequences as and when they come, if they come at all.
