Soo, I finally have a bit of free time to post.
Life has been super busy, comparable to being pushed on fast forward and I'm just trying to keep up. I love it, however and wouldn't want to change it.
Everyday marches one step closer towards independence and I'm having a similar push-pull struggle with my mother towards her both wanting it and doing the exact opposite things to facilitate it.
For example....
I found out she wanted to buy me a car. This
sounds like its a thing to make me more independent right? On the surface it is, if it were anyone other than my mother. I've realised that she isn't diabolical, or anything, I used to think she had a master plan to keep me forever in her debt and forever a child. But it really isn't that conscious. It's a subconscious thing, where she thinks from her point of view shes helping, but in actuality long term, its hindering.
So I didn't find out she wanted a car for
me, or for my benefit. She wanted to get a car that was a Mazda, similar make and brand to when she got her first car. For her, its all about her.
See how the brain works? A car like that would be just about the most impractical thing I could think of for an artist. Not only would it not be enough space, probably be stick shift (that I can't drive anyway), but it's just not my style or anything else. Now if she showed up outside my door with it, i wouldn't say no, because it'd be horribly rude. But considering I caught her in the act of doing planning this (over heard it) I could by pass it. Plus all her gifts come with some many strings its usually MORE of a headache to get help than it is to just do my own thing.
So she was planning this with my dad and grandma on two separate occasions and when I overheard both (the house is open plan not many private places but I try not to listen in usually), I chose the playful instead of attacking her option to kind of show her where she was going wrong. I said "So is the person whose going to be needing this car ever going to be part of the conversation?" lol.
She dropped it and didn't actually reply, like she was "caught" or guilty or something. I don't know. She's like that.
So I went the backdoor after direct conversation didn't work. I talked to my dad about it in the car, which gave me a completely different view, apparently it's my dad who wanted to buy a truck, And it was for Him- and for the house move they plan to do next year to buy a home. And that way they had three cars and I could borrow a family one until I saved to get my own. Ah that makes a lot more sense. How that then correlated to Mazda in my mother's head? I have no idea.
Often times I have to continually repeat myself with conversation things with my mother to get her to acknowledge what I have said, I was in the kitchen the other day and had to repeat myself 3 times on one simple question because she completely ignored me. I used to get mad thinking this was being intentionally rude, now I just realise it's just egocentric, she's caught up in her head and isn't paying attention to her own conversation she started usually.
So in other things, i spontaneously got skype called from my kids on the weekend. That was fun! I was up at 11pm on friday, which was 7 am for them on saturday and no one was awake in their house. My youngest Rosebud is usually up at 5-6am most mornings with out an alarm. She's just wired that way and always has been. So she loved having a chat with me. I as usually was rather sleepy but it was fun to talk to her, and listen to her about all her stories she was vibrant and goofy and happy, she explained a lot about what's going on in her world. Shes very organised and practical for her age, and we were talking about how responsible she has been lately and how well she's taken to me moving over here. And she said she wasn't take well to other people using her stuff, that she had taken care of the phone i got her, but that her sister had already broken the screen and chipped the corner. That seems typical. lol. Shooting star is creative and energetic and can't sit still unless shes watching TV or sewing, and even then... Shes very disorganised and has the klutz gene like myself. Which i think is more of a balance thing to be honest. Or day-dreamy-ness. I was similar to that as a kid, my head in the clouds most of the time. And part of that belief from my family about me stopped me from being responsible, so we're trying to encourage more responsibility from Shooting Star and not stories of how similar she and i are in this regard
She does a lot better at crafts, physicality, and maths than I ever did. We also have many differences. But we are both stubborn and emotional.
Rosebud is very reserved and its unusual for her to call spontaneously, and for her to be so bubbly and free with her feelings and character except one-to-one with me. Around everyone else she is reserved, and polite but keeps it in.
So that's my home life mostly. It's pretty easy to be honest, I understand where and why my mother does what she does so I can generally circumvent any arguments or issues lately, and keep things light and happy and I don't carry them around anymore in myself either. They get expunged here and then forgotten.
My friends circles are going well. People started noticing i'm not in the group anymore. A few asked why and I said for personal reasons. I Wasn't going to be like the leader who talked behind my back. No thanks, I told the people who were closest to me, like Ariel. Hmm I think i'll name the other two ladies I speak to the most at the moment.
Ginger is a lady I met when I first got here, we got off on the wrong foot a little as she was romantically interested and I had some issues I projected on her that weren't true about her. So we cleared those up over coffee after sometime just hanging in group social circles and just talking. She had this weird idea I was ashamed of her, and that's just not true, besides...why the fuck should that matter?
She should be her and thats good enough. So I said as much, I told her, actually,... I have some past things and that it just was colouring my ability to get close at first but that over the past few months and slowly opening up I realised that I had made a mistake in judging her values and ethics and that she was a very honourable person. And she is, shes kind and gentle, she and I are just on the same boat of unraveling some co-dependence things.
So now, Ariel myself and Ginger are going to a self defense class on Friday. Should be fun!
The other lady is the woman I have been on 3 dates with now, and we're seeing each other tentatively on Wednesday and (maybe)Thursday again. Yay
I think I will name her Kiki. (from the studio ghibli movie).
She's a very singular woman. And I hold her in a very high regard. Shes adorable and sweet and kind, but also strong and independent and a little more on the reserved/introverted side. Actually I'm noticing a trend, most of my female friends are on the more introverted side, but closer to the middle. Kiki is the most introverted of the ladies I know so far besides the artist. But I skew in the middle crossing the line from introverted to extroverted quite often. (Ambiverted?) She's tall with long lusterous black hair, Gay transwoman, with STEM background. (So many STEM people in my life lately
it's so awesome!)
I think we'll be doing some fitness class together in the future, we're not pushing on sexual stuff even though we have cuddled and there is sexual energy, i'm taking it slow because I want to. I have no plans or desires at this time to continue in a poly nature, though it is more in line of who I am, she is poly friendly and poly curious but has never been this way, and right now i'm simply enjoying the lack of drama or crazy of multiple loves. I don't want to go back to solo poly, i want to have one close sweety and if i can manage that then later i might try poly again actively, but right now i cant seem to hold down consistently one relationship. Plus i filled my "poly" spots with my art which is taking up my time in a rather obsessive and very poly-like way. Odd as that sounds.
I simply would not have the energy for friends, and lover, and community, and work.
My health is getting back on board because i'm simply happier, and i allowed my self time to heal from the various odd illnesses. I've had about 3 different on and off infections chest / fever / rash / diarrhea all those in various combinations over the past three - four months. And I've had a foot blister that kept me off my foot for three days, and then a sty in my eye (first ever?) from hay fever. Oh yes the hay fever has been pretty bad for me the last two weeks here until the weather broke. But I finally am stablising and just in time for work haha.
Oh gosh, life is so good.
