Long term hetero mono couple, female partner asked to see another man and be poly

C

Chickenz

New member
Hey there,

From the title, you can assume I am the male (28) in the existing relationship, and while in my mind, we have always had an open relationship, in that love is of most importance, even if that means shifting from our mono hetero norm, this is still a new thing in our relationship.

The man (29) my partner (27) is seeing, is one of my closest friends.
Experiencing a hetero relationship for going on 7 years, we have a 2.5 year old toddler. As do our friends (recently seperated due to the woman in their partnership falling out of love and requesting their own open relationship, it obviously evolved into 'we should leave each other').

I have acknowledged my pansexuality for the most part of my current hetero relationship, she helped me alot with this. My partner, still pretty much a hetero woman, now has understandably, developed sparks with our friend. So she's now digesting the idea of polyamory, ongoing. And he is going through feeling what he feels, leaving his own relationship, and navigating this new link, with my partner.
I love them both, as my best friends. One for longer than the other, and more intimately, but I can see what my partner sees in him, and honestly, I dont blame her.

I guess I'm seeking feedback - I am the 3rd wheel in a regard, as is she, as is he, we already have that dynamic as friends, each with their own connections. She now has something with him, that doesnt involve me, that some would see as unfair to me - being that the idea of your intimacy only being explored with one person, mutually, is the way it should be... and this is most definitely not that.

I cant put a finger on any negativity I may be feeling. My heart has always wanted the most happiness and contentment for my partner, I genuinely hope this helps improve that.
The same goes for our friend. I want him to be happy.
I feel a little strange that I am fine - perhaps its that society's orthodox relationship model has been eroded. But I think I like that.

I told a work friend, someone I know aside from them, and that I trust. He didnt seem phased, his first question was, "so does that mean you're bisexual?"
To which I answered that no, infact I identify as pansexual, but also that, this new thing was between my partner and our friend, that I dont think it involves me.

Which got me thinking...
How much involvement 'should' I have in their journey, other than remaining what and who I was and trusting they'll keep up their end too? Wouldnt it work if they just add this thing into their relationship with each other, and quite simply, leave the rest as it was?
My partner and I are as good as ever relationship-wise. I still have my best mate only a call or message away, we hang out. Its just as simple as having an awareness that this other experience is happening making two people I care for deeply, happy.

Being pansexual, I find this friend of ours, lovely, in every sense. But we dont have, that I'm aware of, what I would identify as a spark as they have with each other. In other's experiences, has this dynamic ever turned into more of a MMF poly or more triad dynamic? Should I be expecting/preparing for other, orthodox-dismantling suggestions? Lol.
And how involved is too involved? I love hearing from my partner how exciting it is, I get to be her best friend in that way again. Details or not.
Our friend however, not so forthcoming with talking with me on the subject. Which I can understand might be a non-topic - a gentleman doesnt tell - but I can also tell he struggles with the acceptance I have for them and their desires. I dont want to scare him (or either of them) off, but I also dont want to be encouraging them to move forward with something they may organically be wanting to drop and no longer act on.
I guess that feeling is inevitable. I also assume that I have to trust their emotional maturity and that they'll communicate what they need to, when they need to.

Any tips? Advice? Feedback? Thought-fodder?
Thanks in advance.
 
Hello, Chickenz! It sounds to me like you three have a good thing going. :) I too remember that feeling, of having a sense that something unorthodox should upset me, but being not at all upset about it!

There’s no reason why your situation should inevitably have to change if everybody is content. There’s no reason why you and your friend can’t continue just being friends. (Though it sounds like your friend isn’t comfortable with the whole dynamic yet... bucking the mainstream can make people nervous at first, for sure.) Hopefully things will eventually be comfortable for all three of you.

I’m in a MFM V situation, and my two partners are simply friends—not even very close friends as of yet, but now that we’ll all be living together starting in September, I have low-key, no-pressure hopes that that might change. If not, compatible housemates would be enough for me!
 
Chickenz said:
I feel a little strange that I am fine - perhaps its that society's orthodox relationship model has been eroded. But I think I like that.
Click to expand...

You perhaps also have an erroneous belief that poly relationships should be "equal" or that poly means everyone being romantic and sexual with everyone. In truth, the overwhelming majority of poly relationships are one to one, not triads or quads. Lovers, friends and metamors do form groups (I don't like "polycule" to describe it - too clinical - but there's that term) but the romance usually happens between two or several twos. Polyamory seems to be taking on it's own "society's orthodox relationship" stereotype that poly means all sharing all the time - an open borders policy - when in actuality, most poly relationships happen in twos, many of which involve a partner who is open to poly, but is monogamous in practice. I, myself, had such a relationship and it was one of the most rewarding of my life.

The bottom line is that if you feel fine, you are fine - no matter what anyone else is doing or saying about what you are doing.
 
I feel a little strange that I am fine - perhaps its that society's orthodox relationship model has been eroded. But I think I like that.
Click to expand...

It's ok to feel fine. And it is ok to feel a bit weird feeling fine because it seems like "society expects" you to be un-fine with it. You are not society. You are you.

How much involvement 'should' I have in their journey, other than remaining what and who I was and trusting they'll keep up their end too? Wouldnt it work if they just add this thing into their relationship with each other, and quite simply, leave the rest as it was?
Click to expand...

You don't have to have ANY involvement in their journey. It's their journey.

Continuing to be friends with him while being aware he and her date. Leave the rest as it is.

Being pansexual, I find this friend of ours, lovely, in every sense. But we dont have, that I'm aware of, what I would identify as a spark as they have with each other. In other's experiences, has this dynamic ever turned into more of a MMF poly or more triad dynamic? Should I be expecting/preparing for other, orthodox-dismantling suggestions? Lol.
Click to expand...

Don't date the guy even if you develop crush feelings on him. Let the crush thing fade over time. You don't have to act on every feeling you feel.

A triad is one of the hardest models. It's like 3 V's stacked up. Since you are all new to it, maybe DON'T leap into hard stuff right out of the gate. YKWIM?

And how involved is too involved? I love hearing from my partner how exciting it is, I get to be her best friend in that way again. Details or not.
Our friend however, not so forthcoming with talking with me on the subject.
Click to expand...

You might want to tell GF not to overshare. It's ok to share she's excited. It's not ok to TMI details. Because what happens between (GF+Guy) is not only her information. It's his too, and if she doesn't have his consent to share it? She's oversharing and betraying confidences. Just like you might not like her oversharing TMI things about (her + you) to him.

Every dyad needs its own privacy. Not because anything hinky is going on but because they just do.

On your end... GF not obtaining YOUR consent that you want to hear about it is assuming and possibly overloading you. Again... each dyad needs its own space.

Exercise good personal boundaries.

Which I can understand might be a non-topic - a gentleman doesnt tell - but I can also tell he struggles with the acceptance I have for them and their desires. I dont want to scare him (or either of them) off, but I also dont want to be encouraging them to move forward with something they may organically be wanting to drop and no longer act on.
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(Him + her) is their business. Not yours.

If you notice he's struggling with you accepting them dating and their desires? Tell him you notice him struggling, tell him you are ok with them dating (you sound like you are) and then leave it be. Let the rest of his emotional management be his own thing to deal with.

I guess that feeling is inevitable. I also assume that I have to trust their emotional maturity and that they'll communicate what they need to, when they need to.
Click to expand...

Yes. Trust that each person can deal with their own stuff and will speak up as needed.

If you feel better articulating that? Say it.

"GF, Guy -- I'm ok with you both dating each other. I am going to trust in your emotional maturity and that you will communicate what you need to when you need to."

Then let it be.

Galagirl
 
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You know, I do feel fine.

So I'm going to be fine.

I think that what you've all said is important, and not dissimilar to how I thought I would feel, and how I think I do feel.

The whole thing has brought up alot of discussion, where I find myself suggesting that overcomplication isn't going to be beneficial in dealing with it either way. Which is very much what I've always strived to uphold throughout life. Simplification.
Being totally knew to any kind of practice in my relationship that would mean actualizing my suposed open-mindedness. I am releived. Releived that I am that person. I probably shouldn't cast doubt on that feeling, by assuming my own curiosity (perhaps) is of a negative perspective, based on the fear alone that we automatically place in being 'different'.

I can say that I too, am probably struggling with just letting thing be, all things, without the need to label or organise it. The want is there, the knowledge is there, practice takes practice though I guess.

Thanks alot for the time to give bits of guidance or support. Its really affirming and appreciated.
 
I can say that I too, am probably struggling with just letting thing be, all things, without the need to label or organise it. The want is there, the knowledge is there, practice takes practice though I guess.
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Well, movies and books and stuff sometimes have a working title. If it helps you to have a label?

Could call it "We practice an Open relationship. This is our GF. He and I are friends."

Maybe that's good enough for now. As as time goes on you can always update.

It's ok for things to be new and in transitional space. "Old normal" is gone, "new normal" isn't quite here.

Galagirl
 
Hello Chickenz,

It sounds like you have a good poly situation there, it sounds like you have an MFM V where your partner is the hinge of the V, and you and your friend are the legs of the V. It is always possible your V could turn into a triad, if you and your friend develop that spark for one another, but as it currently stands it is a V. Keep us posted as your situation evolves, and we'll keep posting our thoughts and advice.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Cheers Kevin, that does help, being able to simplify it.
Things are good. Pretty much been behaving as said "V".
I'm hoping they both enjoy some happiness and meanwhile I am happy too. Quality relationships with them both.
 
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