Longevity of relationships

secondary

I'm a secondary in a v relationship for about 2 years. We live about 1 1/2 hours away from each other so our time together is limited. It is difficult and to be honest I don't know how much longer it will last. I have told my partner this and he does understand where I'm coming from.
 
I have been in a poly v for 2 years that is still going very strong. While I obviously don't know what the future holds, we forsee being together for the foreseeable future, and talk about future plans involving all parties.
 
I'm just a year into my situation (as far as when what Guy and I had officially was designated as a committed relationship), so as far as longevity, I don't know.

I do know that Hubby and I have been together for 6 years, married for 4. All but the last year and a half were monogamous. And we've already had two VERY rough patches that would have resulted in divorce if we weren't both stubborn as hell and willing to fight for *us*. One of those patches was before we opened the marriage; one was this past spring.

Like GalaGirl said, some monogamous relationships don't last five years either. I think it's down to the people involved. If there's communication, agreement, and willingness to do the work of maintaining the relationship(s), it'll probably last longer.

If not, it won't. Or if people grow apart, or if people realize that what they wanted at the beginning of the relationship isn't what they want now but their partner(s) isn't able to give them what they want not.

I think that applies regardless of whether it's mono or poly.

In my own situation, although most people would consider Guy a secondary based on the fact that I'm legally married to, reside with, and have a complete-with-bills-and-kids life with Hubby, *Guy* doesn't feel secondary. He's on the road for work ten months out of the year; he wouldn't be able to sustain a monogamous relationship because he wouldn't be around enough. (This isn't speculation. Both of his marriages and his one other long-term relationship failed because of his job and lack of availability.) Because he's gone so much, and his actual home is in Michigan while mine is in Massachusetts, our relationship is mostly on the phone and online, and we're both okay with that.

I can see us eventually tiring of that situation and ending it; I was close to doing so when I visited him a few weeks ago, until he said that first, he was completely okay with and wouldn't be hurt by my ending it; and second, if our committed relationship ended, our friendship would not, and really the only thing that would change would be we would probably stop saying "I love you" to each other. And because of that, I can also see this working out to be a longer-term thing than just five years.
 
Chops and I (and Chops and Xena) are in our 4th year together. It's not a family-poly type of relationship - more of a V in which he splits time between two homes. His relationship with Noa has only been going on about 7 months, but it seems like (with me, Chops, and Xena anyway), it's hit a groove and it's going along pretty well. Knock wood.

Here's looking forward to getting past the 5-year mark. :)
 
The V I'm in has been together since early 2006. We had to weather some traumatic years in the beginning, but eventually things settled down and we have a comfortable life together. I expect us to stay together til death do us part.

I'm not sure why we've managed to stick together for as long as we have. An old-fashioned belief that you don't run out on a relationship when things get rough? Luck? Our personalities seem to be compatible (though certainly not identical).

I like to think that my poly forum participation has been part of what made it work for me at least. But anyone's guess is as good as mine.

We all consider each other to be primary partners; we live together and share finances. I have no idea how much that figures into our years together so far.
 
5years, 4months & 3day

that's how long it took before my relationship imploded.
a lot of factures were involved with ending things.
Do I love him Yes, do I wish things were different, Yes.
Relationship need room to grow but People change, needs changes and if one person wants the relationship to remain:( the same long term, the relationship cant be sustained.

does that mean it hurts less when it ends, nope , but the reality is people and needs change.
 
kdt26417 said:
The V I'm in has been together since early 2006. We had to weather some traumatic years in the beginning, but eventually things settled down and we have a comfortable life together. I expect us to stay together til death do us part.

I'm not sure why we've managed to stick together for as long as we have. An old-fashioned belief that you don't run out on a relationship when things get rough? Luck? Our personalities seem to be compatible (though certainly not identical).

I like to think that my poly forum participation has been part of what made it work for me at least. But anyone's guess is as good as mine.

We all consider each other to be primary partners; we live together and share finances. I have no idea how much that figures into our years together so far.
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I don't know about Poly relationships, but I do know that it was that belief bolded above that kept my late husband and I together for 17 years.

It was in year 9 that we were going thru a rough patch and at one point we both decided the heck with giving up and divorcing, let's work it out. It was nice easy but we did. And there were other rough patches but none that bad.

The relationship I am in now, still in the midst of NRE (and oh boy yes!) I am not sure how long it will last. I am not even going to try and put a guess to it. 6 months? a year? 5 years?

I know on our night out last night we talked and talked. Till the place threw us out. For me, that's a sign of something good building. Sharing info - not just fun sex - but sharing lives and histories.

Still don't know what that means for the future but the way life is, I'll take a little at a time and go from there.

I will be interested in hearing more from others about this topic though.
 
I'll even admit that stagnation may have something to do with my V's longevity. "Why change something once you get comfortable with it?" Maybe our "failure" to break up is symptomatic of our failure to grow and change in life, to seek out adventure. Introducing new relationships, and flushing out the old, takes a lot of effort. It's so much easier to keep living together just the way we are.

Maybe it's fear of change. For being polyamorists, we're rather conservative, subscribe to much of traditional wisdom and values, and want our V to look (to us at least) like a good old-fashioned marriage (in spite of it having three people). To put it simply, we're boring. Boringness helps longevity, well I know it helps ours. On the other hand, our life together is free of drama, and we like that!
 
kdt26417 said:
I'll even admit that stagnation may have something to do with my V's longevity. "Why change something once you get comfortable with it?" Maybe our "failure" to break up is symptomatic of our failure to grow and change in life, to seek out adventure. Introducing new relationships, and flushing out the old, takes a lot of effort. It's so much easier to keep living together just the way we are.

Maybe it's fear of change. For being polyamorists, we're rather conservative, subscribe to much of traditional wisdom and values, and want our V to look (to us at least) like a good old-fashioned marriage (in spite of it having three people). To put it simply, we're boring. Boringness helps longevity, well I know it helps ours. On the other hand, our life together is free of drama, and we like that!
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I like your words here, Kevin :) Even though my Vee is rather a new one, it has these boring characteristics that hopefully predict longevity. We lead a rather old-fashioned lifestyle that suits us all and makes us happy in our everyday life.

I personally think that a lot about the longevity of each polycule is in the non-romantic relationships within it. In my (and Kevin's) case the M-M relationship. My guys have recently been deepening their relationship, and I'd say by now it is a friendship with mutual respect. I know they both would hate to see the other one leave, and they have been supportive to my relationship with the other even during the rough patches.
 
It's definitely a plus when the legs of a V are friends with each other. Friends -- allies -- teammates.
 
Kevin we are in the same camp as you...

We live a boring conservative life too. My time spent with my husbands are filled with mundane everyday events. For example Wednesday I went home to Murf after work. He made me dinner. We watched bad tv. We went to bed. Thursday was my day off so I got to sleep in. Spent til early afternoon with Murf. Then went to my other home to take the boys back to school shopping. I didn't stay over until Friday only because I had to work at 7 am and my commute from the house I share with Murf is 80 minutes from my job. Hitting the road at 530am is not my idea of a good time...lol.
 
It's good to see that we are not the only ones who live rather boring lives. When we're together either as pairs or all 3 of us it's usually watching kids play outside while we follow the shade across the lawn, playing just dance on the PS4, watching a really bad free movie on cable or reruns of a tv show we've already seen. Then we go to bed hoping to snuggle a little bit before the 3 yr old wakes up to pee or has a bad dream about spiders.

If boring is the secret ingredient to longevity we have an abundance of it. :p
 
Another vote for boring, here. Snug in a cocoon (okay, two cocoons) of quiet, domestic abundance.

It strikes me that I can't really say how long this specific poly structure with these two people has lasted. Definitely over a year. Probably two. Sometime in the last five years it morphed from a completely open marriage with a long-distance "Same Time Next Year" intimacy into a very balanced non-cohabiting V.

But my relationships with Mitch and Woof have been part of my life since adulthood (ages 14 and 20). Emotional intimacy with others was never surrendered during my marriage to Woof. So I never feel like I'm in a relationship of two or five years.

If you've got good dyadic relationships, and the individuals and relationships work within the poly structure that evolves/is created by you, it seems like my ideal of "growing old together" is not too much to hope for. I articulate that hope regularly. "I want to grow old together with you."

I don't think longevity or even "still going today" is the best or only measure of the value or success of a relationship. Needs change and people change. But for me there is a lot of comfort and commitment in saying "I love our family structure, and the freedom we all have to let it (and ourselves) evolve. I'd like to do what we can to keep this working."
 
Emmy37 said:
If boring is the secret ingredient to longevity we have an abundance of it. :p
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kdt26417 said:
I'd say boring helps. ;)
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Hehe, +1. I guess being pleasantly drama-free and without "throes of passion" (one bad month of major drama/crisis in our six years was very much the exception, and I think we wouldn't have lasted if it had been the rule) is something I'd see as a key factor in why R. and I are still doing fine, during times both with and without other folks adding in to the structure. At the core, "best friends" describes the foundation of our partnership much better than the usual connotations of the term "romantic lovers".

Which just supports my RA-ish view that all healthy 'ships are simply friendships with (some sort of, decided by the people in the 'ship) benefits. ;)
 
And, I think friendship is the foundation on which all healthy relationships are built.
 
Yes, I agree. Friendship first.

I also like drama free living. Life happens, problems get sorted out. But no need for drama about it. I don't call that "boring" though. I am not bored or unfulfilled.

Galagirl
 
Friendship for sure. Boring I have to agree also.

Whilst I am having issues currently in one of my relationships-it's not poly related at all.

Our time either in couples or as a whole is almost always spent doing family stuff. We work on the house or yard, we do school with the kids, go to the kids piano recitals, babysit the grand kids, go to the park, walk the dogs, go swimming, fishing, kayaking, 4-wheeling, hunting-all with kids in tow.
Most "dates" are spent with kids in tow as well.

It's mostly just "family stuff".

Other people sometimes ask "how we find time" but the thing is-we aren't trying to find time to "date people". We're already in established relationships within the family unit.

Maca has struggled in the past wanting to meet someone new and found that he gets frustrated because the amount of time he thinks he needs to get to know a new person is more time then he is willing to take away from family activities.

Personally-I'm not interested in dating new people ever. I am interested in getting to know people who want to participate in the types of activities I am already participating in and if one of those ends up being partner material-GREAT. But I'm not going to go seeking anyone new.

GG thus far has shown absolutely no interest in dating or meeting new people. It will be interesting to see how things change now that he is moving out into his own place for the first time in over 10 years.
 
I don't think longevity is always a sign of success. Some success stories aren't long and some long relationships aren't successful.
But it is interesting that so many people on here, who have found longevity found it by just living a "boring" or "predictably normal" life. LOL
Not scientific or anything-just interesting.
 
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