Longevity of relationships

My wife and had a girlfriend for 38 years. The longevity depends in the people involved and their reason for being poly. We know a few triads that broke up when the sex was no longer exciting or it was obvious that one of them was secondary to the prime relationship and wanted more. Not many people want to play second fiddle. Our girlfriend got married to a cuckold or gay guy, we never knew which, and had a secondary role in our relationship but was loved as a wife. She was the primary in her own marriage so it worked out for all.
 
I partly agree, I see people who have been relationships for a long time who are not happy and I have seen people who have been in shorter relationships and wee and are happy. But I would be lying if I said it didn't make me insanely happy that my once on and off relationship with my bf finally hits our first year soon. But that could be more that I am happy of our stability more than anything.

But sometimes longevity is a marker of people knowing they work and working hard on a relationship that does make them happy. My husband and I are having issues at the moment but we have been together seven years. We know we work well together regardless of our issues and I am glad we have been able to fight but fix our issues in the past and keep going.
 
kdt26417 said:
I'll even admit that stagnation may have something to do with my V's longevity. "Why change something once you get comfortable with it?" Maybe our "failure" to break up is symptomatic of our failure to grow and change in life, to seek out adventure. Introducing new relationships, and flushing out the old, takes a lot of effort. It's so much easier to keep living together just the way we are.

Maybe it's fear of change. For being polyamorists, we're rather conservative, subscribe to much of traditional wisdom and values, and want our V to look (to us at least) like a good old-fashioned marriage (in spite of it having three people). To put it simply, we're boring. Boringness helps longevity, well I know it helps ours. On the other hand, our life together is free of drama, and we like that!
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...is there a like button on this forum? because I absolutely loved this.

longest for me was about 5 ish years? Prior to that was a few, and this one just over one....

I, honestly don't know in terms of time how long I want this one to last...which is crazy since we share a house, finances, a business...basically we are a family unit. I finally get this...something I wanted with the prior relationships...and now that I have it I'm freaking out. Dammit Murphy. Lol
 
Give yourself to the Boring Side of the Force. :)
 
Such an interesting question, as it implies that longevity, or the lack of it, can be measured by some barometer that might be different from a more conventional arrangement. I don't think that that's necessarily true, as a lot of folks have already said.

I think that if there was a real answer to your question, someone would have found out how to bottle and sell that shit--the self help industry has certainly tried. My thought is that it probably comes down to a bit of serendipity, lot of work and selflessness and communication, and then more work. Lol if only that were as easy as it sounds.
 
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"My thought is that it probably comes down to a bit of serendipity, lots of work and selflessness and communication, and then more work."
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Totes.

I think it's also worth noting that polyamory has much less of a support system than what monogamy has. Monogamy has a lot more websites, literature, therapists, and even family, friends, and clergy to help prop it up. Polyamorists tend to be relatively on their own. If their poly relationship is in trouble, they'll have to figure out by themselves how to save it. Oh sure, some will discover Polyamory.com or the occasional poly-friendly book or therapist, but the odds are much less in a polyamorist's favor.

And then there's the fact that a lot of polyamorists aren't as determined (as a lot of monogamists are) to stick it out "til death do us part." Longevity isn't necessarily considered to be a sign of success in polyamorous circles. And there's something to be said for the short-but-good relationship model. How many of us have seen a monogamous couple that's staying together just out of some sense of righteous duty, when the relationship is miserable and both people desperately need to get out of it? I know a perfect example of that right offhand: my parents. They did divorce, eventually. Finally. After much unnecessary misery for everyone in their dysfunctional home.

Now that's not to say all lifelong relationships suck. Plenty of them are perfectly wonderful. I happen to believe I'm in one. One that happens to be poly as well. But given the vast range of personality types in this world, who's to say that longevity is good for everyone? Let's just say it's good for some and that suffices.
 
I dont have a long term picture yet... After starting poly, my husband and I broke up a year later (due to non poly issues), though we are still good friends, and I get to go drink vodka with his fiance and house sit his home on a local island in a couple weeks with one of my anchor partners :D

I ended up married to the first serious partner I had when first poly, and we've been together almost 10 years. I had a partner of 3 years that ended recently but I never expected that to be life long, the romantic feeling were there but not the BFF part. I have a partner of going on two years I expect will be around when I'm old. I have a partner of 9 months who may go either way..I think we may be romantic partners for years, but maybe we wont and we'll be friends instead, we have the makings of great friends, or we wouldn't be dating.

I imagine success varies on what an individual needs - the people who are in my life and stay in my life, have had a strong basis of friendship and common interests/wants/goals from the beginning. I don't think a relationship has to last forever to be successful, it just has to bring value and growth and happiness>unhappy.
 
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"I don't think a relationship has to last forever to be successful, it just has to bring value and growth and happiness to unhappy."
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That's the ticket.
 
If there is a difference (open question IMO) in relationship lengths, I wonder whether it might not be practicing polyamory that is responsible, but that a significant(?) subset of the poly community finds highly dynamic, non-traditional relationships are dramatically better for them, leading to a selection bias. Speaking for myself, I'm keenly aware of how holding on too tightly to a relationship can deeply damage myself and those around me. I also change (hopefully growing) easily, and rapidly. Although I certainly want and work toward deep, lifelong relationships, my primary purpose in them isn't to maintain a stable type of relationship with a partner for life, but to be good to and for each other along each of our journeys, wherever they take us. My continuing to slow my rate of change has been and would be unrealistic and hurtful to others, so I don't lie to myself or others about that anymore; I know it doesn't work out for me or those close to me.

For those who thrive on stable, peaceful lives... I like to think that poly helps to more deeply explain human relationships, and that it can be successfully practiced, but I'll leave it to those who thrive thusly to speak to their more relevant experiences and beliefs.

Polyamory acts as a unifying principle for a broader range of relationship styles than monogamy, thus success is defined many different ways, though we share common ethics and openness to concurrent intimate relationships. Personally I think that's one of the beautiful things about it; we acknowledge and account for a lot more human complexities. That also sometimes means we need to dig a bit deeper to understand each other's meanings.
 
If I wanted to get cynical, I could say that when seeking a monogamous partner, there may be some pressure to find a lifelong partner since you only get one. Whereas if an established couple decides to start dating around in a poly fashion, they might not feel the same pressure to date long-term partners since they already have one. Don't know if that's a factor in this equation ...
 
kdt26417 said:
Whereas if an established couple decides to start dating around in a poly fashion, they might not feel the same pressure to date long-term partners since they already have one.
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Or a solo poly person dates other polyfolk and simply has no need or desire for any kind of primary-type partnership, so there is not as much pressure to make it last forever.
 
nycindie said:
Or a solo poly person dates other polyfolk and simply has no need or desire for any kind of primary-type partnership, so there is not as much pressure to make it last forever.
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I have been thinking about this since I started my new life as a solo poly person and jumped right into a secondary relationship.

This is not going to be a fast growing relationship because we are not a triad - his wife has her boyfriend and D has me - and they have each other. I am quickly learning that it is going to take longer to build a relationship with him than if we were dating as mono's or maybe in a triad where I was more involved in their daily life.

It's taken a couple weeks to wrap my brain around it and what I thought I was ready for and able to handle is being readjusted to what really is happening. lol. Still okay with this role, because it is still what I need, and think it supplies what he needs, but it is a work in progress.

Coming off a date night high, I just want to see him again right away and can't because he has homelife stuff going on. I am dealing with that internally for now and will be chatting tomorrow with him to let him know and see if anything can change.

What I have realized is that it may take us 6 or 8 months to reach what others find in 3 months. And yet, if we can realize that and stay patient, keep talking, seeing each other, then we can get there.
 
Re (from nycindie):
"Or a solo poly person dates other polyfolk and simply has no need or desire for any kind of primary-type partnership, so there is not as much pressure to make it last forever."
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Yes, I think that works too. :)

@ Betts4 ... hmmm, will a poly unit tend to last longer because individual dyads take longer to develop due to the "extra" partners that take their share of the available time? It's certainly an interesting idea ...
 
kdt26417 said:
hmmm, will a poly unit tend to last longer because individual dyads take longer to develop due to the "extra" partners that take their share of the available time? It's certainly an interesting idea ...
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That is an interesting idea. Relies on parties to be patient with the slower pace of things. Which a lot of people aren't, which may in turn cause just as many secondary-type relationships to end more quickly because of this dynamic being resisted or rejected. Very interesting idea.
 
Yeah I guess this is where patience comes in handy. :)
 
Betts4 said:
What I have realized is that it may take us 6 or 8 months to reach what others find in 3 months. And yet, if we can realize that and stay patient, keep talking, seeing each other, then we can get there.
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Do you plan on communicating via Skype or phone or emails between dates and keeping up the momentum that way?
 
nycindie said:
Do you plan on communicating via Skype or phone or emails between dates and keeping up the momentum that way?
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This is something I want to discuss with him today. I asked him for some time to just sit and talk and not be having dinner, or watching a movie or cuddling/sex. Just some face to face - but still close and touching in some way - time.

I really find that just a simple couple lines of an email or text can make me smile enough to say okay, things are good. Sometimes we get online and chat via IM for an hour or talk on the phone for bit. I don't really need a lot, but do like a little something each day.

I hadn't thought about skype. good suggestion.

My intention was to talk last week when we met for dinner but things went a little haywire when the wife called upset about a work thing and we had to go home and settle her down. He thanked me for helping - suggesting that she have some water (she had been crying), and we all cuddled on their big couch together, giving her some much needed human contact. I wasn't happy I lost individual time with him, but I was happy that she accepted me enough to let me cuddle with her, rub her back and calm her down.

I did laugh a little when he said, next date we'll meet up at your place. :)

Maybe it's my age. Or that I have been in a long relationship and you just have to realize that there are ups and downs to it all. Give and take.

Okay, and that said, I would like, maybe need, a little more 'me and him' time and that will be one thing to talk about today.
 
How long have your relationships lasted?

Hi. I am very new into the polyamory discussion and lifestyle. I am a woman planning on living with two other women in this lifestyle. I am wondering how long a typical relationship of 3 or more people lasts. I also have questions and I am curious if any of you, going into this, thought it was more of a fantasy or dream to be with multiples or was/is it in fact, something that you needed to fulfill your true being? Thank you in advance for your responses.
 
My experience is probably not typical - as I am still involved in every relationship I have ever been in.:D (So "forever" ?)

I'd been with MrS for 19 years when I became involved with Dude and he moved in with us - it will be 4 years in April.

My oldest FWB relationship is almost as old as my relationship with my husband - but will go long stretches when we don't see each other.

I always identified as poly in that I was open to multiple relationships but I during the times of my life when it was essentially just MrS and I, I never felt that anything was "missing". Poly, to me, is about being open to possibilities - not necessarily how many partners you have at any given time. I have never sought out relationships, they have always just found me.
 
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Re (from UlliGirl):
"I am wondering how long a typical relationship of three or more people lasts."
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I don't think anyone knows the answer to that; too little research has been done, and any research that has been done is limited by the fact that many (Who knows how many?) polyamorists keep their relationship model a secret from the world.

I recently heard that poly (three or more people) relationships usually don't last longer than five years, and that the average is 2½ years. But I am in a poly relationship (three people) that has lasted nearly nine years and has no end in sight.

Re:
"I also have questions and I am curious if any of you, going into this, thought it was more of a fantasy or dream to be with multiples or was/is it in fact, something that you needed to fulfill your true being?"
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Well what I'm in is called a V. One person is the "hinge" and has a romantic relationship with each of the other two people, who are called the "legs" of the V. The legs have a platonic relationship with each other.

Given that I am one of the "legs," I actually only have one romantic partner (the "hinge"), even though I am in a poly situation due to the hinge having two romantic partners. So I can't say I have any special need to be with multiples. And while it means a lot to me to be participating in polyamory, I don't know that it's an absolute necessity for me. I just fell in love with Snowbunny (who became the hinge) and wanted to be with her even though she was already married to another guy (who became the other leg of the V). Research was done, and polyamory was discovered. It was a solution to our dilemma.

Whatever other questions you'd like to ask, don't be shy, go ahead and ask, and we'll try to answer.
 
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