Hi again everyone,
I'm heartbroken. The Day I Knew Had To Come for so many reasons has come and, as all of this is a bit new and a bit of a mess it's hitting me hard.
My husband and I had a 'non monogamy' agreement for a while. He met a boy. A lovely boy. They really clicked and - although this stretched the idea of the non mongamy, I simply found it thrilling that this had happened.
Maybe somewhat selfishly, however, I fell in love with him too. It was a bit of a 'nurturing' relationship, I guess. He'd recently graduated and was struggling to find his way - he seemed to reflect how I felt and so the huge amounts of empathic energy that went into the relationship really helped us all to hit it off.
He said he loved me - he loved us, and, boy, have I fallen hard. But, the idea that it was ultimately impossible always hovered, I guess. In a couple of discussions he did say that he was looking for a 'relationship of his own'. I couldn't begrudge him that or fail to understand, but I wanted so badly for it to be possible for it to be with us - an equal and vital part of our existing relationship.
If you've read my introduction post, you know that my husband is much les certain about what polyamory means for us or whether he wants it. All I know is that times the three of us together - and separately - over the past year have been wonderful. He, the boy, has come on so much in himself: he's so relaxed around us, and he lights up the company - you can just feel the warmth between the three of us.
Some friends suspect that there may be something going on, but family do not. I guess this is where I felt the failure would come. It seemed unfair to expect him to be a 'secret' even an open one - that surely went against the idea of him being 'equal' and, perhaps (I can't speak for him) - perhaps that's themain reason why he always said he wanted a boyfriend 'of his own'. I said to him, honestly, though not without a tug of pain, that he could have anything he wanted from us until that point.
And now he's found a boyfriend. They're both lovely together and I am absolutely thrilled for him. It seems to be going really well. Briefly, toching on the subject in slightly edged jest, I asked I'd still get his lovely morning kisses and unclothed cuddles, and he said that he has told his new man that he wants their relationship to be open.
Then, on a long planned trip of the three of us, it sort of became obvious that he doesn't perhaps, want the openness he told his new boy he did. He said he felt difficult about it; that although the new boy had agreed, he didn't want to hurt him and worried that his 'openness' request was not agreed to with as much freedom as he absolutely needed it to be.
His conversations with me have dried up since our return. I expected this: I have discussed the idea with my husband (who knows I have fallen for the boy) and vocalised the importance I know about giving him space to forge his new relationship...but I miss him so much and want to tell him so much that I love him.
And I do believe he loves us too. Even during the latest trip I'd catch his gaze, he'd spontaneously kiss or pout at us or grab our leg under the table. And say it, too (though now usually prompted by me first).
I guess I'm feeling like - this was it, really - the one chance of actually achieving a lovely relationship we all wanted - but..well, it was doomed from the start.
Am I asking advice or just venting? I don't know. I can't let him go from my life, but if it can't be as a romantic presence, will I be able to make the transition to the platonic or will I always yearn for him as the one that got away?
I'm heartbroken. The Day I Knew Had To Come for so many reasons has come and, as all of this is a bit new and a bit of a mess it's hitting me hard.
My husband and I had a 'non monogamy' agreement for a while. He met a boy. A lovely boy. They really clicked and - although this stretched the idea of the non mongamy, I simply found it thrilling that this had happened.
Maybe somewhat selfishly, however, I fell in love with him too. It was a bit of a 'nurturing' relationship, I guess. He'd recently graduated and was struggling to find his way - he seemed to reflect how I felt and so the huge amounts of empathic energy that went into the relationship really helped us all to hit it off.
He said he loved me - he loved us, and, boy, have I fallen hard. But, the idea that it was ultimately impossible always hovered, I guess. In a couple of discussions he did say that he was looking for a 'relationship of his own'. I couldn't begrudge him that or fail to understand, but I wanted so badly for it to be possible for it to be with us - an equal and vital part of our existing relationship.
If you've read my introduction post, you know that my husband is much les certain about what polyamory means for us or whether he wants it. All I know is that times the three of us together - and separately - over the past year have been wonderful. He, the boy, has come on so much in himself: he's so relaxed around us, and he lights up the company - you can just feel the warmth between the three of us.
Some friends suspect that there may be something going on, but family do not. I guess this is where I felt the failure would come. It seemed unfair to expect him to be a 'secret' even an open one - that surely went against the idea of him being 'equal' and, perhaps (I can't speak for him) - perhaps that's themain reason why he always said he wanted a boyfriend 'of his own'. I said to him, honestly, though not without a tug of pain, that he could have anything he wanted from us until that point.
And now he's found a boyfriend. They're both lovely together and I am absolutely thrilled for him. It seems to be going really well. Briefly, toching on the subject in slightly edged jest, I asked I'd still get his lovely morning kisses and unclothed cuddles, and he said that he has told his new man that he wants their relationship to be open.
Then, on a long planned trip of the three of us, it sort of became obvious that he doesn't perhaps, want the openness he told his new boy he did. He said he felt difficult about it; that although the new boy had agreed, he didn't want to hurt him and worried that his 'openness' request was not agreed to with as much freedom as he absolutely needed it to be.
His conversations with me have dried up since our return. I expected this: I have discussed the idea with my husband (who knows I have fallen for the boy) and vocalised the importance I know about giving him space to forge his new relationship...but I miss him so much and want to tell him so much that I love him.
And I do believe he loves us too. Even during the latest trip I'd catch his gaze, he'd spontaneously kiss or pout at us or grab our leg under the table. And say it, too (though now usually prompted by me first).
I guess I'm feeling like - this was it, really - the one chance of actually achieving a lovely relationship we all wanted - but..well, it was doomed from the start.
Am I asking advice or just venting? I don't know. I can't let him go from my life, but if it can't be as a romantic presence, will I be able to make the transition to the platonic or will I always yearn for him as the one that got away?
