looking for a fresh perspective

[conflicted]

Please forgive me if this is covered somewhere, or if I have posted incorrectly. I have never done this before and I am finding it overwhelming. I will try to be concise.

My partner and I agreed to an open relationship. I had reservations at first, but it seemed to work out fine. I had no jealousy issues; things weren't impeding on our life together. We were getting ready to go to an event where "play" was a possibility, and where polyamory was widely practiced. I brought this up in discussion. I said I was comfortable with our open relationship, but I could not understand how people managed polyamorous relationships. I specifically said I did not want a polyamorous relationship. My partner also said he did not want one, that his plate was full already.

We went to the event (which was a several-day event) and were approached by someone for "play." All was going well. I noticed they (hubs and the new person) seemed to click more, but I figured it was because of the style of "play" they enjoyed. We continued to communicate after the event and even visited each others' homes (a relatively short drive). It wasn't long, however, before I realized that there was more to their relationship than just "play."

I asked my partner about it. He said that they did not have a relationship, but after some more discussion, he finally admitted they had a relationship. He, however, did not see how this was any different from before. He would still not call it polyamory.

I'm not sure exactly what he told her, but she was under the impression that we were both polyamorous, and that I was okay with things. When she realized that that was not the case, she offered to step back (but not completely exit) and let us work things out. As he and I discussed things, he told me not to make him choose, because he could not. It was too late to back out. I told him I would try to make this arrangement work, but I did not like it.

For the last nine months, I have been trying to make this arrangement work, but I still do not like it. I have learned some things about myself that I realized I needed to change. There are aspects of our relationship that have gotten stronger because of this. Yet, I still feel like my heart has been ripped from my chest. I still feel like I have lost him. I still cannot deal with the emotional turmoil. He, on the other hand, seems quite beside himself and boasts that he has two girlfriends.

I have been trying to decide if I should somehow keep trying to make this work, or if I should go my own way. Neither option is what I want. But what I want I can't have. Usually I am able to calm and center myself enough to find direction, but in this case I'm just as torn as I was in the beginning. I am not able to pinpoint exactly what bothers me so badly, what I want to change. Since I'm unable to do this, I don't bring it up, because I know the topic only exasperates him (and his other partner). When I don't say anything, he assumes all is well. But all is not well. And I don't know what to do about it.

I realize that this is my decision to make. I am not asking for direction. I am simply wondering if someone has a fresh perspective for me to consider. I am interested in the opinions of someone from the outside, with a polyamorous perspective, that can maybe explain my partner's actions better than he is able to. Perhaps I'm simply missing something. Any thoughts?

 

[GalaGirl]

You have summed it up well. You've even tried it on for 9 months already, and still feel the same. Polyamory is not for you, because are not "polyamorous" or "monoamorous and poly-friendly." It sounds like you are monoamorous (love only one) and polysexual (willing to have several lovers.) So this configuration is not one in which you thrive.

I have been trying to decide if I should somehow keep trying to make this work, or if I should go my own way. Neither option is what I want.

There are two kinds of freedom-- the freedom to, and the freedom from.

There is no "I want the freedom to do X" here, because you do not want to do either option. So the decision is about "I want freedom from."

When you look at it that way, if what you want is freedom from being in a polyamorous network, which option is the path?

• Staying in the poly V with him and her.
• Leaving the poly V.

Maybe that change in perspective could help with your emotional management.

Hang in there,
Galagirl

 

[conflicted]

Galagirl, I like the distinction of "freedom to" vs "freedom from." With that perspective in mind, I guess what I want is "freedom from" my emotional hang-ups.

Logically, this could work. My brain understands the polyamory concept. I am not uneducated in the principles. (I am not implying that you are insinuating this. I am just making a statement.) The "reason" side of me wants it to work.

I love my partner very much. I want him to be happy. I know that he loves me too.

I just can't convince my "feelings" that this is working. So with that in mind, is there a way to catch my feelings up with my intellect?

After nine months, I'm starting to lose hope. I'm starting to believe that I am indeed mono-whatever-you-called-it. (I liked those distinctions too.) So this arrangement will not work because of that.

Thank you for your input.

 

[Vinccenzo]

You're struggling because your partner cheated on you and now crows about what he got out of doing so. It might come off like he is bragging about something others might feel ashamed of - hurting their partner with lies.

 

[conflicted]

Vinccenzo, yes, I "feel" like he cheated. Yes, I am wounded by his gloating. However, he is not malicious, and I don't think he ever intended to hurt me. I think he fell in love before he realized the situation had changed into something different than what we'd agreed upon. One cannot help falling in love.

What I am struggling with is how to respond to that. I want him to be happy; therefore I do not want to impose "limitations." However, I cannot ignore my own (un)happiness. I am also struggling with his inability to see things from my perspective. It's like we've lost our ability to effectively communicate.

 

[IndieSolo]

When you say "play," do you mean sex?

 

[conflicted]

NYCindie, in part, yes, sex. The event I referred to was BDSM in nature. So when I say play I mean it in that sense. That, of course, can be sexual, and/or lead to sex, but not necessarily.

The primary reason for the open relationship was to be able to “vent," i.e., explore sexually where one partner was not able to and/or interested in doing so.

I can separate sex and love, but I cannot separate commitment and intimate exclusivity (to sound off one of your quotes). I believe him when he says he can love more than one person. I believe him when he says he is committed to me. But I am unable “to share him” (as he puts it) on an intimate level.

 

[BoringGuy]

Yeah, this guy sounds like how a friend of mine once described a friend of his-- "the Dan Ride."

("Dan" is actually a swell guy. He grew out of that phase and has a nice family now.)

"The Dan Ride" is when the guy does whatever he feels like, and decides what you should be able to "handle," if you want the awesome experience of being part of his life. As soon as you have had enough, you are free to get off the "ride." But the "ride" is what it is.

So, babe, whaddaya say? Are you up for the "Dan ride," or is it too much for you?

 

[alternativevirgo]

I would react the same way if I were you. You and your partner set boundaries and he did not respect that. He probably didn't do it intentionally, but he wasn't mindful of his actions, and his relationship/feelings went further than you were comfortable with.

However, the fact that he let this woman believe that ya'll were polyamorous concerns me. It seems that he lied (even if it was an act of omission) in order to maintain relationships with both of you; maybe to spare both of your feelings, or make him seem more ethical in the eyes of his new lover. Either way, that’s not okay.

I may be new to this, but it’s my understanding that poly relationships only work if all parties are honest and open with one another. That means setting boundaries, but being able to communicate your needs/re-negotiate the boundaries if they are hard to maintain; not lying to your partners when you are having trouble maintaining a certain boundary.

So if you decide to stay in a poly network/relationship with this man, he needs a talking to about respecting boundaries, and having the courage to communicate his needs (instead of going about it in a dishonest way). You can always tell him that if he doesn't get his head out of his ass, and start handling himself in an honest and respectful manner, that soon he’ll have zero girlfriends.

 

[GalaGirl]

I am sorry you continue to hurt.

Yes, I am wounded by his gloating. He is not malicious. I don't think he ever intended to hurt me.

Then why does he gloat? Is he aware this is hurtful to you?

He could not ding you on purpose. He could not ding you thoughtlessly either.

What I am struggling with is how I respond to that. I want him to be happy. Therefore, I do not want to impose "limitations."

You seem to be linking things that do not need to be linked.

• He can be happy partnered with you.
• He can be happy not partnered with you.

You could throw that out the window for a minute. You may want him to be happy, just like I want you to be free of "hoohah." But just as I cannot wave a wand to make it so, neither can you. His happiness does not apply here, because it is not something you can control.

I do not want to impose "limitations."

You do not want to speak up to make known what you need to be comfortable in a polyship? How is this you meeting your own needs?

Is he a mind reader? Nope. He cannot know what he doesn't know.

Part of meeting your own needs is making them known.

• Tell him what you want, need, and have for limits/boundaries in a polyship.
• Ask if he's willing to meet those needs, so you can be happier in a polyship with him.

Whether he complies or not is on him. The part that is on you is to get it out there. If you do not feel safe bringing things like this to his awareness, because he creates a climate of "grrr" in your relationship, that's telling you something.

However, I cannot ignore my own happiness. I am also struggling with his inability to see things from my perspective. It's like we've lost our ability to effectively communicate.

From my POV, I see it as, if you are keeping information hidden, he cannot know it.

He requested something from you.

As he and I discussed things, he told me not to make him choose, because he could not. It was too late [for him] to back out. I told him I would try to make this arrangement work, but I did not like it.

You complied with his request, and did not ask him to choose. You went against your own willingness. You didn't like it at the start, yet you tried it for 9 months, despite not liking it. Now you are finding your feelings pinging you again. You still don't like it.

He has the responsibility, as the hinge in this V, to meet the reasonable wants, needs, and limits of his two gfs. His unwillingness to hear you is not cool. He's not acting like a hinge who tends properly to his partners. Maybe he's doing fine because he's getting all his cookies, and doesn't feel like being accountable for the rest.

But remember, this is not about him alone. It's about your behavior too. Rather than listen to your "smoke alarm" going off (i.e., your feelings) telling you that this configuration is not one where your needs are being met, you seem to want to turn the smoke alarm off, so you don't have to hear it ringing. What about dealing with the fire in the house then?

You are not meeting your own needs by not articulating them.
He is not meeting your needs by being a solid hinge.

Who is left to look out for your own well-being, if he's not doing it, and you aren't doing it either?

Again, if what you want is freedom from emotional "hoohah," and freedom from being in an unsatisfactory polyship, but you are not willing to state your needs/limitations, and he is not willing to talk about this anymore, negotiation is off the table.

Which option is left on the table? To me, it looks like these:

• Staying in this V with him and her, with no changes.
• Leaving this V.

Coming to grips with that, and trying to see if there are any other possible alternatives, is natural. I hope you do find something. But if after looking, all that's left is just these two, you could choose to leave the relationship. Love him from a safer distance. Get out of the line of fire.

Love alone is not enough. Love does not equal staying in this situation, if it's hurtful to you. Staying another 9 months would not be good for you.

Galagirl