Looking for a little reassurance

Isobela

New member
Hi everyone,

Very new to this site, and fairly new to polyamory. I'm actually not 100% certain my wife even is poly, I don't think she's certain either (nor does she seem to feel a need to label herself, which is fine with me). Regardless, we've been open/non-monog for the last year or so. Recently, she traveled to meet someone, which was a lot of firsts. The first person she's admitted to feeling love for, the first person she's been physical with in any way, the first person she's had sex with when I wasn't included, the first time she's been gone more than a few hours visiting someone... it was a tough week for me, handling so many firsts.

We got through it, and my wife is incredible. She came home saying how she loves me more than ever, and feels so much confidence in our marriage, etc. I was honest about how much I struggled while she was gone, and I'm working still on identifying why it's so hard for me. All the usual fears and insecurities, I think, that are not proving to be easy to get over. I know I will, in time.

All I'm really looking for right now is someone to tell me...it's going to be okay. I feel really alone in dealing with this, because no one in my life knows we're open and I have no friends with a similar dynamic. My wife's friends know, but I don't feel I can share with them. I'm an introvert with a small social network, and I don't have anyone I feel I can turn to when things get hard (or even when they're good). I just feel like it would make a big difference for me to hear someone say that it gets easier, that it does lead to good things, that all this challenge will lead to beautiful growth, and that I'm not alone in what I'm undertaking.

Just reading some of these threads has been amazing, but if anyone wouldn't mind throwing a little love here, it would mean more than you know.

Take care, be safe, & thank you in advance 💫
 

Remi

New member
Nice to meet you!

Hi everyone,

Very new to this site, and fairly new to polyamory.
Welcome to the site! I'll be your very first friend! Umm or second if someone posts faster than me because I'm learning to use this quote system :D

I'm actually not 100% certain my wife even is poly, I don't think she's certain either (nor does she seem to feel a need to label herself, which is fine with me).
Yeah labels are silly. We're all constantly learning about ourselves and evolving. It's hard to accept sometimes because we're not taught about this when we're young so we develop all these unrealistic expectations but it's worth putting in the effort to relearn things like this in my opinion.

Regardless, we've been open/non-monog for the last year or so. Recently, she traveled to meet someone, which was a lot of firsts. The first person she's admitted to feeling love for, the first person she's been physical with in any way, the first person she's had sex with when I wasn't included, the first time she's been gone more than a few hours visiting someone... it was a tough week for me, handling so many firsts.

We got through it, and my wife is incredible. She came home saying how she loves me more than ever, and feels so much confidence in our marriage, etc.
I was honest about how much I struggled while she was gone, and I'm working still on identifying why it's so hard for me. All the usual fears and insecurities, I think, that are not proving to be easy to get over. I know I will, in time.
Yeah, acknowledge what you're feeling, it's fine to feel that way. Feelings are spontaneous and instinctive. What's important is to make sure that you're constantly aware of what you're feeling so you don't allow them to drive your decisions. It's not the feelings that are the problem, they're actually helpful because they provide contrast. We wouldn't know what security feels like if we didn't feel a little left out sometimes. But it's important to realize that so you we don't dive too deep into those emotions and feed them to the point that they're so strong that they consume us and drive our decisions.

All I'm really looking for right now is someone to tell me...it's going to be okay.
*hugs* You're going to be okay new friend!

I feel really alone in dealing with this, because no one in my life knows we're open and I have no friends with a similar dynamic. My wife's friends know, but I don't feel I can share with them. I'm an introvert with a small social network, and I don't have anyone I feel I can turn to when things get hard (or even when they're good). I just feel like it would make a big difference for me to hear someone say that it gets easier, that it does lead to good things, that all this challenge will lead to beautiful growth, and that I'm not alone in what I'm undertaking.
You may have been alone before but you definitely aren't anymore. I rhymed :D

Just reading some of these threads has been amazing, but if anyone wouldn't mind throwing a little love here, it would mean more than you know.
*tosses chocolate hearts at your feet*
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
Welcome!

Recently, she traveled to meet someone, which was a lot of firsts. The first person she's admitted to feeling love for, the first person she's been physical with in any way, the first person she's had sex with when I wasn't included, the first time she's been gone more than a few hours visiting someone... it was a tough week for me, handling so many firsts.

Sorry to hear you had a tough week of FIRST firsts. On the other hand, it's done, right? There might be other partners where she goes to visit for the first time. But those won't be FIRST EVER firsts. Just "firsts with this new person" and by then you will have developed your coping skill/self care things... so yes. It will get better.

But yeah, the FIRST EVER firsts can be tough for some people. I can understand that.

It is part of the price of admission of having chosen to have an Open marriage and the change relationship model you practice. That things change.

We got through it, and my wife is incredible. She came home saying how she loves me more than ever, and feels so much confidence in our marriage, etc. I was honest about how much I struggled while she was gone, and I'm working still on identifying why it's so hard for me. All the usual fears and insecurities, I think, that are not proving to be easy to get over. I know I will, in time.

Good that you were honest. And yes, over time, it will get better.

I feel really alone in dealing with this, because no one in my life knows we're open and I have no friends with a similar dynamic. My wife's friends know, but I don't feel I can share with them. I'm an introvert with a small social network, and I don't have anyone I feel I can turn to when things get hard (or even when they're good)

Sounds like you realize you have neglected making your own support systems. And good for you -- starting to post here is the start of expanding/building your poly support system. I encourage you to keep seeking poly friends and people you can talk to. Maybe not so much in person in pandemic, but see if you can attend some poly group things online. And maybe if where live it is safe, go attend the poly meetups, classes, and whatnot.

Apart from the poly thing, you might want to work on making "in real life" friends of your own. Nothing wrong with online friends, but they can't bring you chicken soup if sick or help mow your lawn if you sprain your ankle, you know? Local friends are good too. Maybe you have hobbies and that would lead to friendships build on common interests like board games, gardening, basketball or whatever hobby it is that you like to do.

I just feel like it would make a big difference for me to hear someone say that it gets easier, that it does lead to good things, that all this challenge will lead to beautiful growth, and that I'm not alone in what I'm undertaking.

Well, all of that. Plus it is NORMAL for things to feel weird right now. The "old marraige and old normal" is gone. The "new opne marriage and new normal" isn't here yet.

You are living through a funky transitional space between those two points. And things are just gonna feel weird and maybe "up in the air uncertain" in some areas and "familiar and comforting" in other areas. You might also feel some things you might not realize are grief things. Even though you both chose to end the old Closed marriage model? There may be a part of you grieving it, the stability you had form it, cuz weird can just feel discombobulating. Even as you look forward to a new Open marriage model and things leveling out in time.

It isn't like "us just like before, but just adding people" -- it's is more like "we broke up on purpose. And are starting all over again" in feeling.

If you need a visual aid for the stage of emotional change, there is one here in the middle of the article. Everyone is different, so the times suggested are only suggestions. But maybe it helps to see this is a real thing. The feeling of "emotional rollercoaster" stuff. That it IS normal, and that over time, one can come out of it.

https://www.eoslifework.co.uk/transmgt1.htm

You may find yourself having complex feelings like happy on one hand and sad on the other like one leg on track A and one leg on track b. That also adds to the feeling of instability/weird. How people cope with change -- that varies for people.

Just know that feeling weird IS how this transitional space feels and that feeling weird right now is NORMAL. And you are going to get to know yourself and how you deal with change amid all the other things you will learn about yourself in this process.

Keep your routines that you can the same -- work, exercise, eating, sleeping, chores, bedtime, etc. So you have some stable things going on while the rest is transitioning. Be kind to yourself.

Hang in there!
Galagirl
 
Last edited:

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Hello Isobela,

It is normal to have some icky feelings in the early days of polyamory. Don't panic! You may find this post somewhat helpful ... http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?p=292690 ... it gives you ideas of how to cope when your wife is with someone else, and you are struggling. Above all, the thing to remember is that, "This, too, shall pass." You struggled with your wife's recent trip, with all its firsts, it was hard but you got through it. So now you know it's possible. You can survive. And yes, it will almost certainly get easier, as you develop a routine for how to get through things, and observe, through practice and experience, that your wife isn't going anywhere. Sometimes that's what we're afraid of, that she'll find someone "better," and won't need us anymore. Luckily, in poly, we don't have to choose. We can choose *both* people. Or even all three!

Hang in there, and keep reading and posting.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 

BrokenArrow

Member
Hey! I hear you. I just went through something kind of similar. It's rough.

You're kind of happy the deed is done. It's official.
You're kind of sad the deed is done. Its official.

If I figure out where everything goes from there, I'll try and remember to let you know. A lot of people tell me that it gets easier, that it doesn't even matter anymore. That's something to look forward to but, everybody's different, right?

So if this is the first time she's ventured off on her own, I take it you guys were sharing partners before? My wife and I went directly into separate relationships. The idea of sharing isn't really our thing. Neither one of us believes we could stand by and watch stuff happen.

Are you trying to venture out on your own too? I apologize if I'm assuming incorrectly but given you referenced your "wife" I've assumed you're a dude. Are you finding any success out there? I've noticed that for my wife it's a simple matter of stating she's available and dudes line up around the corner whereas for me, well not so successful. I find myself incredibly jealous of her success. Do you find that too?

Your situation sparks a lot of curiosity for me. I wonder do you ever look at her and unwillingly see the two of them together? I know I do. It sparks a lot of mixed emotions in me. What did you do to stay busy while she was gone? Does the relationship seem unbalanced now?

I realize that is a lot of super personal questions and I really don't expect an answer to any of them. I'm just curious. Also, those are some of my bleaker thoughts. I assure you that I've had a lot of great time with the wife since she slept with another man. I'm really wondering what other people's experiences are like. Are they similar? What helped? Are there emotional pitfalls I should look out for?

Anyways, ultimately it will all be okay, my dude! The first time Spitfire left for an overnight was like the 2nd week after she polybombed me. The only thing stopping me from hanging myself in a fucking closet was my kid getting up to pee and asking what I was doing. I was not in an okay place at the time. Now I send her out the door with a hug and a kiss and a pat on the ass. I miss her when she's gone but I know she's coming back. Not saying I don't still get jealous sometimes but, shit's looking up.

Talk to her about your feelings and what you want, even if it's selfish and shitty. Recognize you're probably not going to get all the selfish and shitty shit but at least you've got it off your chest. Find out what she wants and what you can do to make her happier. Hell, your needs might even intersect. I highly recommend the book The 5 Love Languages. If nothing else it can help you identify what you each want.

Hope any of this hit what you needed. Sending a little love your way. Good luck out there.
 
Last edited:

BrokenArrow

Member
Now that I've pulled my head out of my ass and am looking at your name (Isobela and not Isobelo) I'm assuming your a lady and not a dude. I think my statements still stand and I apologize for the displacement.
 
Welcome!



Sorry to hear you had a tough week of FIRST firsts. On the other hand, it's done, right? There might be other partners where she goes to visit for the first time. But those won't be FIRST EVER firsts. Just "firsts with this new person" and by then you will have developed your coping skill/self care things... so yes. It will get better.

But yeah, the FIRST EVER firsts can be tough for some people. I can understand that.

It is part of the price of admission of having chosen to have an Open marriage and the change relationship model you practice. That things change.



Good that you were honest. And yes, over time, it will get better.



Sounds like you realize you have neglected making your own support systems. And good for you -- starting to post here is the start of expanding/building your poly support system. I encourage you to keep seeking poly friends and people you can talk to. Maybe not so much in person in pandemic, but see if you can attend some poly group things online. And maybe if where live it is safe, go attend the poly meetups, classes, and whatnot.

Apart from the poly thing, you might want to work on making "in real life" friends of your own. Nothing wrong with online friends, but they can't bring you chicken soup if sick or help mow your lawn if you sprain your ankle, you know? Local friends are good too. Maybe you have hobbies and that would lead to friendships build on common interests like board games, gardening, basketball or whatever hobby it is that you like to do.



Well, all of that. Plus it is NORMAL for things to feel weird right now. The "old marraige and old normal" is gone. The "new opne marriage and new normal" isn't here yet.

You are living through a funky transitional space between those two points. And things are just gonna feel weird and maybe "up in the air uncertain" in some areas and "familiar and comforting" in other areas. You might also feel some things you might not realize are grief things. Even though you both chose to end the old Closed marriage model? There may be a part of you grieving it, the stability you had form it, cuz weird can just feel discombobulating. Even as you look forward to a new Open marriage model and things leveling out in time.

It isn't like "us just like before, but just adding people" -- it's is more like "we broke up on purpose. And are starting all over again" in feeling.

If you need a visual aid for the stage of emotional change, there is one here in the middle of the article. Everyone is different, so the times suggested are only suggestions. But maybe it helps to see this is a real thing. The feeling of "emotional rollercoaster" stuff. That it IS normal, and that over time, one can come out of it.

https://www.eoslifework.co.uk/transmgt1.htm

You may find yourself having complex feelings like happy on one hand and sad on the other like one leg on track A and one leg on track b. That also adds to the feeling of instability/weird. How people cope with change -- that varies for people.

Just know that feeling weird IS how this transitional space feels and that feeling weird right now is NORMAL. And you are going to get to know yourself and how you deal with change amid all the other things you will learn about yourself in this process.

Keep your routines that you can the same -- work, exercise, eating, sleeping, chores, bedtime, etc. So you have some stable things going on while the rest is transitioning. Be kind to yourself.

Hang in there!
Galagirl


I'm new here and I just wanted to say I appreciated your comments here tremendously! Thank you, thank you, thank you.
 
Top