Looking for advice (triads, communication)

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bentodd2000

New member
Hi,

My wife and I have been married for 10 years. When we first got married we had a mutual girlfriend we were both seeing. She spent many nights over. It ended because I got jealous, I think. We have not had another relationship outside our marriage since then.

Before we got married, I am pretty sure she had multiple relationships at times, and I did also. Now we have been monogamous for probably 9 years.

Then, about a week ago, she mentioned polyamory. She said there was a poly family on a forum she visits, and she thought it was interesting. I didn't really know what that meant, so I didn't get into it. Then a few days later she mentioned it again, and explained more. She said she wanted to read "The Ethical Slut." So I spent the next few days reading up on polyamory, and I got her a copy of the book.

I thought the concept was interesting. I told her that I read up on it. Then she seemed to get embarrassed.

Is she just having a hard time telling me her feelings? How can I bring this up again and make her feel comfortable? I mentioned that I had been jealous in a former triad relationship, but that is all gone now. I am almost 30 and I am very comfortable with myself, and my sexuality.

Any advice or thoughts or anything to help me? Thanks.
 
Hi, Bentodd. I don't have experience in this area, but wanted to welcome you to forum. There are more knowledgeable folks who will offer great advice.
 
On this I can offer both advice and insight. You see, I've been there done that.

As I stated in my introduction, I am bisexual and my husband is very understanding. When I first came to realize I was bi, my husband told me I could have a gf, but that she had to be someone that he could love as well, so she could be involved with the whole family, not just me on the side. He also asked that I not "sleep around," as there are quite a few nasties running around these days. (My husband tends to be old fashioned at times, God love him.) I suggested we try polyamory, and find someone we could both love and who would love us both in return. At first it seemed all would go great, and the hunt for that special woman started.

Fast forward to the first partner we found...

The woman stated she was truly bi and that this was what she wanted. But after a week or two into the relationship she started trying to spend more and more time with my husband alone. He told her that would not work. The more he tried to get things on an even footing, the more she tried, and the more jealous I got.

After that, I had a hard time trusting any woman we found, until our last partner, a woman who did everything in her power to prove to me that she really did want to be an equal partner. In the end, she was the perfect partner. But due to circumstances beyond our control, the relationship ended, though we are still friends.

It has taken me a while to understand that even though I have my insecurities (don't we all?), that the love the two of us has is stronger than anything. And since we aren't swingers, polyamory is perfect for us. If your wife is trying to ask you about poly, why not get her on here as well and let her check some of us out? We are all pretty open about how our experiences are going or have gone. I don't know about the rest of them, but I know I am willing to answer any questions that might arise, if it will help someone out.
 
I gave my wife The Ethical Slut also. However, what she mostly took from it was that poly people are in it mostly for the sex. So I have been trying to convince her it is more about the relationships, and sex tends to be part of romantic relationships. The Ethical Slut is more about non-monogamy, in general. So you may want to find her something a little more about polyamory itself.

I think if you want to talk about how you feel and how you change, just bring it up. A big part of polyamory is the communication. There's no time like the present to work on talking about how you feel and what you desire.
 
Quath said:
I gave my wife The Ethical Slut also. However, what she mostly took from it was that poly people are in it mostly for the sex. .
Click to expand...

I tried to read it (meaning I couldn't) and had the same reaction. Redpepper's husband gave me this one: "Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits: Secrets of Sustainable Intimate Relationships" by Deborah M. Anapol. It was a good book that presented polyamory in a much more meaningful light.

Communication is, of course, always important, though.

http://www.amazon.com/Polyamory-Without-Sustainable-Intimate-Relationships/dp/1880789086
 
Maybe she is uncomfortable with face-to-face conversations? Maybe try journaling your thoughts and presenting them that way. It could open up communication. With time, maybe she'll be able to talk with you openly without being uncomfortable.
 
Any communication will help. You have to communicate with each other for this to have any prayer of it working, long term. Without it, every relationship will end up short term, or not being anywhere near what it could be.

Mono, thanks for the link on the book. I ordered a copy. There's gotta be something in there for all of us!
 
I agree with the others who have said communication is so very important. If she doesn't feel comfortable talking about it when you initiate the conversation, maybe try to leave it open-ended for her to discuss it first. Just tell her that you've been reading up on polyamory too, joined a forum about it, and if she wants to talk more about what you've found, you'd be open to it. Good luck!
 
Mark1npt said:
Thanks for the link on the book.
Click to expand...

Great to hear that, Mark. It really is a good, quick and non-threatening read. It makes things much clearer, and does not instill the same "open relationship" energy as The Ethical Slut. I'm sure it will stimulate some great communication.
 
It should be here in a couple days, Mono. Going on vacation next week and hope to get to read it while I'm gone. Will let you know what the Mrs. and my other think of it.
 
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