Looking for advice

[Fishdog]

Hello,

I'm looking for advise on an issue that has been affecting my relationship fot years now.
I have a primary partner, who I've been with for 7+ years and over all, things are great between us. We've been poly the entire time we've been together and while there have definitely been challenges within that, it's worked really well for us.
For the first 2 years we were together I was with another partner (we'll call him Ted) who I also loved very much but who was not always honest with me about his other relationships (we had a rule that we didn't need to share all the details but we wouldn't date anyone who lived in each other's towns. He broke this rule by seeing my neighbor for a while and not telling me). Things got tense, my partner (we'll call him Ben) felt disrespected by Ted and also by me for changing plans with him to do other plans with Ted.
I stopped dating Ted because I couldn't get past the lying that happened around the neighbor.
Fast forward almost 6 years, Ted is my best friend. I am madly in love with Ben, we plan on getting married, we plan on staying poly forever and have had several really meaningful relationships with other people, one of whom is his other long term partner and has become my friend. But I'm also in love with Ted. I always have been. It doesn't seem to be going away. Ted feels the same. He travels for work and is only around about 1 weekend every other month or so. He is the only person Ben is not comfortable with me seeing (sexually). Ted and I would like to try being FWB in a way and I think we are close enough and clear enough about what our love is that we could make that work really well, especially since he's only around once in a while. Ben has never said I cant see Ted, but only that he wouldn't feel comfortable with it and is hurt that someone who hurt both myself and him in the past is someone I'm still interested in.

Has anyone else ever been in a situation like this? I don't know what to do. I feel guilty when I talk to Ted about how badly we would like to try being together again. Our bond is really special, it's not just a crush and he will be in my life long term in one way or another. It feels silly to me that we would really like to sleep with each other and we're both poly but making that jump feels wrong to me because I know it would hurt my primary partner emotionally. Every time I have asked friends for advice on this they have said I just need to choose one or the other. But none of them have been in open relationships.

What so I do? Do I just spend the rest of my life tip toeing around this love that we all know is there? We spend time together, we hug, we tell each other I love you. Ben is fine with this, but he is afraid if Ted and I start sleeping with each other things will change, Ted will take up more room in my life and emotionally hurt us both again. I should mention, I was in college when Ted and I were together. I'm going on 30 now, both Ted and Ben are in their 30s, we've all matured, we've all learned things about being poly and I believe it's something we could make work in a way we weren't equipped to do before.

 

[Leetah]

This sounds like a painful situation to be stuck in!

This is just a quick off the cuff reply so I might be missing stuff. It seems to me that you and Ben need to talk and get more clarity about Ted.

You have seen Ted demonstrate the level of honesty and trustworthiness you want in a best friend and romantic partner. Ben has not. Do you both understand why your views differ?

Is there a way that you and Ted can show Ben that the two of you would not repeat past behaviors? Does Ben really understand that you and Ted are already romantically, though not sexually, involved?

If you and Ben are already clear on this stuff it could be that you and Ben cannot be involved if you want to be (continue to be?) romantic with Ted.

I hope this is of some help.

Leetah

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you struggle. I mean this kindly, ok?

I feel guilty when I talk to Ted about how badly we would like to try being together again.

If you haven't talked to Ben first to get clear on where Ben stands?

To me you are jumping the gun and maybe creating some of your own frustration with the "maybes" and "what ifs" spinning with Ted.

Our bond is really special, it's not just a crush and he will be in my life long term in one way or another.

Then ASK where Ben stands, and be ok with it if it isn't a runner.

It feels silly to me that we would really like to sleep with each other and we're both poly but making that jump feels wrong to me because I know it would hurt my primary partner emotionally.

Hurting your partner Ben emotionally is not silly. Neither is hurting yourself. Or Ted.

Talk to Ben directly to get clear rather than spinning dreams with Ted prematurely.

Every time I have asked friends for advice on this they have said I just need to choose one or the other. But none of them have been in open relationships

Well, if you talk to Ben and he's still not up for being in a poly network that has Ted in it? You ARE gonna have to choose.

Date Ben in a poly arrangement and be friends with Ted.

OR

Date Ted in a poly arrangement and try to be friends and exes with Ben.

We spend time together, we hug, we tell each other I love you. Ben is fine with this, but he is afraid if Ted and I start sleeping with each other things will change, Ted will take up more room in my life and emotionally hurt us both again.

Where's your time going now? Do you have other partners and Ben is feeling short changed as it is?

Is Ben willing to be in a poly situation with Ted as your other partner? I assume Ted has done the work of trust repair with you since you are friends again with Ted. But what work has he done with Ben?

Does Ben prefer leave Ted on his "to messy to poly with" list and leave it as your friend? Like... they did enough trust work so Ben could heal enough from the past to get to there... the friendship place. But Ben has no interest in more than than again? Sometimes bridges are burned and its best to accept that.

If you choose pursue Ted, does Ben prefer to bow out first so he is free from anything Ted on that level?

You have to ask Ben so you can actually KNOW where he stands.

I'm going on 30 now, both Ted and Ben are in their 30s, we've all matured, we've all learned things about being poly and I believe it's something we could make work in a way we weren't equipped to do before.

It's a "3 person yes" though.

YOU might believe that. TED might believe that. But if Ben doesn't? Ben retains the right to say "No, thanks. Not for me. I don't want to be in a poly network that includes Ted. I don't want to get on that Bus Ride. I rather bow out."

Then you have choices to make.

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Fishdog,

It sounds like you would really like to be with Ted again ... and maybe Ben could just make peace with that, after he got over his initial hurt? Tell Ben that you've all matured, you've all learned things about being poly and you believe it's something you could make work in a way you weren't equipped to do before. Ben may not realize this at this time. Then, go ahead and get closer to Ted, but do so a little at a time so as to give Ben time to adjust. This would be my advice based on your first post here. I hope it helps.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[vinsanity0]

Are you saying Ben has a problem with Ted because you once broke plans with Ben to go out with Ted? That seems like a long time to hold a grudge over something so trivial. It's odd that Ben would feel hurt because you have made amends with someone who hurt you in the past. I suspect there is something else going on there. Ted isn't even the one who wronged him. You were. He forgave you.

I think you two need to talk this out more. What is meant by " not comfortable", for instance. Sometimes life isn't comfortable. Is it a deal breaker? Or can he become more comfortable once he sees there is nothing to worry about.

BTW, I'm coming from the perspective of Ben. I had a similar situation. I came to the realization that I was being nonsensical.

 

[anamikanon]

Broken trust is painful. I'd totally flip if Spexy tried to get back with the woman he cheated on me with. That said, this is a knee jerk reaction. Enough period has passed and with enough sincerity from Spexy that I believe he values me. Also, if he asked me before ng anything and offered me the honesty this time that was missing last time, I believe that I'd be wary and not liking it initially at least, but if nothing bad happened and he didn't repeat patterns of that time again, over time I'd be okay once I saw that and trusted it.

I probably would never accept that woman, but that is more due to her behavior and irrelevant to this example.