Am I wrong to want my wife to have a FWB relationship? We have been married many years now, and up until we moved several years ago she had sexual friends outside our relationship. Some of them I knew and some not but we always shared the experience by talking before during and after sex. When she had someone else on the side she was always more interested and eager for sex. Now that this has ended we rarely have sex. And I mean like once every 2 months or so. I have tried to set her up with someone a couple of times but it hasn't worked out.
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- Thread starter Ken61
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Marcus
Well-known member
It's not wrong to want it, but it's not up to you.
I concur with Marcus' answer: it's not your choice.
You don't give many details, Ken, for instance WHY your wife no longer has or wants outside lovers. Is she no longer interested, too tired, busy, or perhaps she only took on other lovers to keep YOU happy in the first place(?)
You also don't mention if YOU ever had additional lovers. Is your enjoyment derived more, or solely, by the "cuckold" aspect - i.e. hearing about her exploits excites you - and erotic compersion? Or did she originally have a higher sex drive than you and it was she, rather than you, who initiated your open/poly lifestyle?
It is a little difficult to give you a fuller answer without knowing a little more about your situation.
To this I'd add: if YOU want more sex than you're currently getting, have you thought about taking another lover/fwb yourself? Would your wife be okay with that?
You don't give many details, Ken, for instance WHY your wife no longer has or wants outside lovers. Is she no longer interested, too tired, busy, or perhaps she only took on other lovers to keep YOU happy in the first place(?)
You also don't mention if YOU ever had additional lovers. Is your enjoyment derived more, or solely, by the "cuckold" aspect - i.e. hearing about her exploits excites you - and erotic compersion? Or did she originally have a higher sex drive than you and it was she, rather than you, who initiated your open/poly lifestyle?
It is a little difficult to give you a fuller answer without knowing a little more about your situation.
To this I'd add: if YOU want more sex than you're currently getting, have you thought about taking another lover/fwb yourself? Would your wife be okay with that?
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FallenAngelina
Well-known member
How do you know that the lack of "someone else on the side" is the cause of her sexual disinterest in you? How do you know it's not the marriage, you, some medical thing, some mental health thing or Mercury in Retrograde? Attributing this loss of sexual interest to a FWB and looking to some heroic "side friend" to jumpstart her engine is a pretty far fetched scheme - unless your wife has specifically said that this is the case. Maybe the sex with her lover was so amazing that after the breakup, she'd now rather have none than, well, what she has now. Whatever her reasons, nothing will be solved by her (or you) going out and procuring another boy toy to cheer her up. There's an awful lot of communication lacking here.
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Not really up to you. Does she want FWB at this time? 
Why do you want her to have them?
If it is anything like that? I suggest you address the problem(s) more directly with your wife than trying to solve them "from the side."
Galagirl
Why do you want her to have them?
- Because you used to talk about sex with others and you don't talk much now? That would suggest you want more talking, more closeness.
- Because you used to share sex more when she was more sexually active with others? And you don't share sex much now? That would suggest you want more sex share with your wife.
If it is anything like that? I suggest you address the problem(s) more directly with your wife than trying to solve them "from the side."
Galagirl
Answers requested
This is the first time I have spoken about this to anyone outside our relationship.so if I leave things out it's not intentional.
We have been married for 31 years. This all started very early in our relationship. I had a friend the she thought was hot, and he was a big flirt. There had been some joking around and one night I asked her if the oppertunity arose if she would have sex with him. Without hesitation she said yes. About a month later we were all together and we ended up having a threesome. This happened an couple more time over the next few months. He ended up dating a girl that was very jealous natured so that ended that. We had a few more threesomes with other guys over the next couple of years and then she asked me if she could be alone with a guy. I agreed and that became the norm. Some guy would come on to her that she was attracted to and she would have sex with him. Sometimes just once and others a few times ov r a couple of weeks. She always came home and wanted sex and was eager to share the experience. We did have one guy that caused some problems in our relationship because he wanted a more in depth relationship then just sex. But she has been with 2 guys since then. She still likes to tell stories about new encounters while we are having sex or while she is useing one of her toys. I do enjoy that but it is no where near the real thing.
As for me I have been with 4 other women since we have been together one in a three some that my wife set up. And three other one night stands. The last one made me uncomfortable she wanted much more of an intimate relationship a I am not interested in that. I do very much enjoy how my wife feels and hearing about it after she has been with another guy but I'm not big on watching.and like I said she just acts like she wants and enjoys things more when she has a FWB type situation.
This is the first time I have spoken about this to anyone outside our relationship.so if I leave things out it's not intentional.
We have been married for 31 years. This all started very early in our relationship. I had a friend the she thought was hot, and he was a big flirt. There had been some joking around and one night I asked her if the oppertunity arose if she would have sex with him. Without hesitation she said yes. About a month later we were all together and we ended up having a threesome. This happened an couple more time over the next few months. He ended up dating a girl that was very jealous natured so that ended that. We had a few more threesomes with other guys over the next couple of years and then she asked me if she could be alone with a guy. I agreed and that became the norm. Some guy would come on to her that she was attracted to and she would have sex with him. Sometimes just once and others a few times ov r a couple of weeks. She always came home and wanted sex and was eager to share the experience. We did have one guy that caused some problems in our relationship because he wanted a more in depth relationship then just sex. But she has been with 2 guys since then. She still likes to tell stories about new encounters while we are having sex or while she is useing one of her toys. I do enjoy that but it is no where near the real thing.
As for me I have been with 4 other women since we have been together one in a three some that my wife set up. And three other one night stands. The last one made me uncomfortable she wanted much more of an intimate relationship a I am not interested in that. I do very much enjoy how my wife feels and hearing about it after she has been with another guy but I'm not big on watching.and like I said she just acts like she wants and enjoys things more when she has a FWB type situation.
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vinsanity0
Active member
Yeah it's always a problem when your fetish objects actually want to be treated like people
Marcus
Well-known member
The Swing Life
There are probably tons of swinger discussion forums that you might want to check out. There is also likely at least one group in your area and they might be a great face to face resource for you.
There are probably tons of swinger discussion forums that you might want to check out. There is also likely at least one group in your area and they might be a great face to face resource for you.
Hi Ken61,
Have you talked with your wife about the no-FWB situation? If so, what did she say? Maybe there's a specific reason why she's not pursuing FWB at this time.
If you'll continue to post here, we'll keep trying to give you some answers.
Regards,
Kevin T.
Have you talked with your wife about the no-FWB situation? If so, what did she say? Maybe there's a specific reason why she's not pursuing FWB at this time.
If you'll continue to post here, we'll keep trying to give you some answers.
Regards,
Kevin T.
FallenAngelina
Well-known member
Ken, one thing that really bothers me is when men are treated like annoying sex slaves when they want a human connection. If someone were to write what you wrote about a woman, he or she would be ripped a new one pretty much anywhere he wrote it, but somehow if it's a man we accept that of course men can be used for sex and spit out if they get out of line. I think this attitude in general is what rubs some poly people the wrong way about swingers. Generalizations and assumptions all around, to be sure, but your post reeks of reducing emotional issues in your marriage down to using a few human sex tools for a quick tune up.
What you've shared wth us is really superficial stuff. If you want to dig a little deeper and maybe talk about why your wife has pulled away from you sexually, then probably many of us would be all ears, but your intent seems to be on finding and using a service cock to jump start your wife and then get the heck out. That's not what this forum is about. Many of us do have swing experience, myself included, and know that swinging can happen with a lot more humanity and, yes, love than you seem to be bringing to the table here. I, for one, don't judge swinging, but I sure don't condone treating people as objects (including spouses.) Yes, there's a whole fetish around that, and that's cool for people who specifically choose it, but I don't have the impression that is what's happening in your marriage.
What you've shared wth us is really superficial stuff. If you want to dig a little deeper and maybe talk about why your wife has pulled away from you sexually, then probably many of us would be all ears, but your intent seems to be on finding and using a service cock to jump start your wife and then get the heck out. That's not what this forum is about. Many of us do have swing experience, myself included, and know that swinging can happen with a lot more humanity and, yes, love than you seem to be bringing to the table here. I, for one, don't judge swinging, but I sure don't condone treating people as objects (including spouses.) Yes, there's a whole fetish around that, and that's cool for people who specifically choose it, but I don't have the impression that is what's happening in your marriage.
vinsanity0
Active member
Nobody is trying to run you out. When you post on a forum you will get a variety of opinions. Not everyone will agree with you. That is how life works.
Shaya
New member
Hi Ken,
I'm relatively new here myself and I can see why you feel you're being run out. Truth is, people practice non monogamy differently. None of us are counsellors and we all react to things by bringing our own emotional baggage from the past with us. What works for us may not work for you.
I hear you say that sex with others in the past has revitalised the sex between you and your wife and you're wondering why your wife doesn't want sex with others now, and more importantly, what can you do to get your wife a FWB? If that has worked for you for years, I can see why you're trying to take that approach again. However, many people on this forum identify with a form of polyamory that seems to involve a different approach. The advice you see being given here that says things along the lines of 'people are not sex toys for pleasure' or 'there's more to a relationship than sex' or 'fixing the sex will not fix the relationship' or that suggest to 'dig deeper and ask what's wrong'... that sort of advice is the very common sort of advice the members on this forum give every day on this forum - and it is given to everyone who comes here with marital problems.
It's just a different style of non monogamy, that's all.
I'm relatively inexperienced in this myself, so take my advice with a grain of salt please. Use what works for you and discard the rest. My advice is that if you've been trying your method for years and it has worked, but suddenly no longer works, maybe a different approach is needed.
Just a thought.
Good luck, and best wishes,
Shaya.
I'm relatively new here myself and I can see why you feel you're being run out. Truth is, people practice non monogamy differently. None of us are counsellors and we all react to things by bringing our own emotional baggage from the past with us. What works for us may not work for you.
I hear you say that sex with others in the past has revitalised the sex between you and your wife and you're wondering why your wife doesn't want sex with others now, and more importantly, what can you do to get your wife a FWB? If that has worked for you for years, I can see why you're trying to take that approach again. However, many people on this forum identify with a form of polyamory that seems to involve a different approach. The advice you see being given here that says things along the lines of 'people are not sex toys for pleasure' or 'there's more to a relationship than sex' or 'fixing the sex will not fix the relationship' or that suggest to 'dig deeper and ask what's wrong'... that sort of advice is the very common sort of advice the members on this forum give every day on this forum - and it is given to everyone who comes here with marital problems.
It's just a different style of non monogamy, that's all.
I'm relatively inexperienced in this myself, so take my advice with a grain of salt please. Use what works for you and discard the rest. My advice is that if you've been trying your method for years and it has worked, but suddenly no longer works, maybe a different approach is needed.
Just a thought.
Good luck, and best wishes,
Shaya.
Emm
Stealth Mod
I don't think anyone is trying to "run you out", but this may not be the most logical place to ask your questions. Polyamory is, by definition, about relationships that include love. You have definitively excluded the possibility of love from what you're talking about, so your audience isn't going to be coming at it from the same direction you are. It's like asking for gluten-free vegan recipes on a forum that specialises in gourmet pork sausages; people will try to give you good-faith advice and some of it will probably work, but the basic starting point is incompatible.
jayblue122
Member
Just a friendly reminder that just wanting a purly sexual relationship with someone is okay as long as you are up front with what you were looking for and both people are on the same page and want the same thing. There is a difference between two consenting adults sharing sex for the purpose of sharing sex, and one person using another.