Looking for people similar poly set up to connect with (triad with children)

E

elum

New member
Hi All,

So I'm in a triad, and it's great, but there are situations I find hard. I'd love to spill my heart out on the forum, because I don't have people in my environment who can relate to my relationship. But I worry that by leaving details about the relationship on there maybe people will know who I am. So I'm looking to connect with others in a similar situation, people in triads where there's also a kid. Do people also write on private messaging in this community?
 
People do PM here, but the beauty of a forum is to get multiple people's ideas, since everyone in poly designs their relationships to best suit them and their family/network.

Most of us do not have triads, we have Vs, Ns and so on, dating each partner separately. Maybe some of our experiences would still apply.

You can search poly/triads and kids/children and see if any helpful threads pop up.

SquishyHusk posts here regularly. He is currently in a triad, with a "kid" (a young adult daughter with special needs) in the family. But many of our members have babies, young kids or teens.
 
Thanks so much, Magdlyn. Yeah, I stumbled upon the forum and have been looking around a bit. It's great to see so many people offering their perspectives! Maybe I will talk a bit more about what I struggle with and risk the exposure.

One of the things maybe people can chime in on here is the child part. I regularly deal with questions around responsibilities as the person in the triad who is not a parent.

As context: my partners had a very long relationship before they got married and had their child. Though we've been friends for a long time, I entered the romantic picture later. I don't live with them now, but we all would like that to happen one day.

They have a lot to juggle, with work and their child. I on the other hand, have a lot of time on my own.

When I visit we try to ensure everyone gets quality time in the dyads, but I get a bit more usually.

Sometimes I notice tension arises in me when my time is limited with them and I notice they would like to have quality time to have a night and sleep in together. Usually this would mean I need to provide a bit of child care, because a nanny wouldn't provide the kind of privacy needed. I have a great bond with the child and love spending time with them, but I also get sensitive to me offering that being taken for granted somehow. I like doing it as a favour, but I struggle with it becoming a norm at this stage.

I'm trying to figure out why I feel so conflicted. I think it's linked to me being scared and insecure that I will lose out on dyad time somehow. Sometimes I feel a sadness around the thought that I didn't have that phase of the relationship they had before they had kids, and that I will not have that ever in this set-up, and that if I take up more of an integrated role, I will gain integration but lose out on the child-free fun times.

So I wonder how to explore my feelings around it and approach a conversation with them.
 
elum said:
I stumbled upon the forum and have been looking around a bit. It's great to see so many people offering their perspectives! Maybe I will talk a bit more about what I struggle with.

I regularly deal with questions around responsibilities as the person in the triad who is not a parent.

As context: My partners have had a very long relationship before they got married and had their child. Though we've been friends for a long time, I entered the romantic picture later. I don't live with them now, but we all would like that to happen to one day.

Sometimes I notice tension arises in me when I notice they would like to have quality time to have a night and sleep in together. Usually this means I need to provide a bit of child care, because a nanny wouldn't provide privacy. I get sensitive offering... being taken for granted. I struggle with it becoming a norm.

I think it's linked to me being scared and insecure that I will lose out on dyad time somehow. Sometimes I feel a sadness around the thought I didn't have that phase of the relationship they had before they had kids. And that I will not have that ever in this set-up. And that if I take up more of an integrated role, I will gain integration but lose out on the child-free fun times.
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You articulated your feelings about this very well and I think you just need to say it to them. I think all three of you can make agreements surrounding childcare that will work for all of you, and you can tweak them as you go along as your comfort level changes. The important thing is that they know how you feel and work in it with you. In the end, you are the one who consents to ANY childcare you provide. You can withdraw that consent at any time.
 
One of the reasons triads are rare, or do not last long, is because the established couple can start to use their unicorn as a nanny or a housekeeper, taking her for granted in this way.

I wonder how long you stay when you visit the couple. If it's just a short visit, it's good you all focus on you getting one-on-one time with each person. When you do, does the other parent do the childcare?

There is no reason a nanny or sitter couldn't come to give this couple alone time. Maybe he or she wouldn't be able to give them an entire uninterrupted night and morning, but they could certainly give them one or the other. There is no reason you should feel obliged to provide them with this service. When you are there, you all can hire a sitter to give any one of the dyads, or the three of you together, some free time to do as you please.

You won't be in this situation forever. As the child grows, the parents will get more and more free time. Either the child can go spend a night at a friend's house, or at grandma's, and then they'll get old enough to where they won't need a sitter at all, and will spend more time in their room, or out doing activities alone or with friends, not needing anything from the parents.
 
Hello,

We are also a closed triad and our fiancé has a 19-year old daughter. When our fiancé and I first started dating she was only 11. Since my wife and I never had kids, to say it was an adjustment would be an understatement. Our fiancé was very conscious of balancing our relationship and the relationship I had with her daughter. My wife wasn't part of our relationship at the time, so she didn't get the joy of experiencing a psychotic preteen going through puberty. Eventually I got more comfortable around the kid and by the time my wife met her she was 13 and the hormones had calmed down, so she was a bit less crazy. Eventually they moved in with us and now we are all a happy family.

I am in a bit of a bubble when it comes to this lifestyle. I don't know a lot of the vocabulary or acronyms, but one word I've always liked is compersion. You should want your boyfriend to treat his wife as well as he treats you, because if this is long term, that's how he is eventually going to treat you, after the new relationship euphoria fades off a bit. And vice versa-- if his wife respects you, she will want him to treat you the way that you should be treated. If you're all able to pull that off, then it should all come together naturally.

My biggest piece of advice in your situation would be to take it slow and don't force it. If you are all open and honest with each other, your relationship will roll out naturally, like any relationship should.
 
Hello elum,

We do have private messaging, if you want to direct/private-message me that would be okay. Just hover over my avatar and then click on, "Start conversation."

Perhaps the three of you can take rotating turns looking after the child. Whichever of you is doing the babysitting at any given moment, the other two can have some child-free fun.

Just an idea,
Kevin T.
 
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