Looking for some clarification

G

gandalfthegamer

New member
This past week, my wife was gone with her other friend for 2 nights, camping a state away. I haven't had a whole ton of time to spend with her since she got back...we had a few hours here and there, but her friend has also taken up time by both being here, and having her on the phone for hours. Now, I'm not complaining about that. It is what it is, and whatever. But today, I was confused be a couple of things.

First off, this weekend, her friend had yesterday and today off of work. Normally speaking, my wife and him rarely ever not see each other every day...even if for a short period. Today, on his day off, he didn't come over, and she didn't go drive out where he lives. Seemed strange (and no, I don't suspect any issues between them). So, I was a little confused by that. This kind of thing doesn’t happen very often at all, and when it does, I can tell, physically, that my wife is upset that she can't see him. I don't know that this plays into what's going on, but, just some additional information.

Anyway, check my signature for my backstory. But, that said, I've spent the last 5-6 months correcting not spending time with her. Yesterday, she wasn't feeling so well, so she went to lay down about 9 PM, and she asked to not be disturbed. I'm totally OK with that, and gave her the time she needed. So I sat watching movies with the kids...but it got to be bedtime, about 12:30 AM, and I eventually went to go lay down. About 45 minutes later, she woke up, and eventually got on the phone with her friend at some point and talked to him outside for an hour. I stayed in bed to give her privacy. When she came back to bed, I spent a couple of hours trying to make sure she was comfortable...giving her a backrub, rubbing her head because she had a headache, etc. She eventually fell asleep...I can't remember when I did, but whatever, that's irrelevant.

So, this morning she still had a bit of a headache, so I spent more time rubbing her head, feet, hands, whatever I could. I made her hot tea like I do every morning. We spent time just sitting together, even if we were just silent next to each other for a fair amount of that. So then it hit. She had me run to the store to get dinner for the kids and I...she was going to go out (no indication that she was going to go out to hang out with her friend, so I can only assume she isn't, but part of me thinks at some point she'll find a way to be with him). Confused at the sudden change, I asked what was going on, to which she told me that she felt that she was being smothered. She said that it wasn't bad, but that she needed to get out.

So here I am thinking...wtf. All this time you've been wanting attention from me, and I've been giving it to you left and right for months now...and somehow, you feel smothered? Like, I don't feel that I did anything close at all to smothering her...and honestly, if she was that needing of my attention for years...I would think that she would be eating it up as much as she could get.

Am I overthinking things? How could she possible think that she was being smothered? I took the best care of her that I could when she wasn't feeling well...and she has to get away? ugh, I don't know...something just...doesn't seem right. I wonder if the fact that she didn't get to see her friend came into play here. And perhaps I should just take this as it is, and let it go. But it kind of hurts.
 
It sounds like you're so worried that you'll lose her to her friend, after years of neglect, that you're trying to fit years worth of attention into each moment you spend with her. You spend hours doing what you think will help her feel better, when, especially in the middle of the night, a shorter amount of time would have probably been more appreciated so that she could get back to sleep. Did you ask her if she wanted you to spend that much time on caring for her in the middle of the night?

Also, your sentence about how you'd think she'd be lapping up your attention that you're finally giving to her sounds like you either resent that she isn't being appreciative of every little thing you do or that you're so desperate about not wanting to lose her that you're holding on too tightly. Either of those vibes would make me feel smothered, though in different ways.
 
Hannahfluke said:
Did you ask her if she wanted you to spend that much time on caring for her in the middle of the night
Click to expand...

Yes, she expressed that she needed what I was providing.

Hannahfluke said:
Also, your sentence about how you'd think she'd be lapping up your attention that you're finally giving to her sounds like you either resent that she isn't being appreciative of every little thing you do or that you're so desperate about not wanting to lose her that you're holding on too tightly.
Click to expand...

Point taken. I guess in a way I'd expect better response after this long. I get that a decade of neglect can't be fixed in 5 months. I don't resent her... it's more that I'm concerned that the things I'm doing that's she's asked me to do aren't making an impression.
 
Now, that all said. I perhaps spoke too soon. She came home, and had to go to bed because her headache was back with a vengeance...but not before expressing to me that she was sorry for the evening.

Now I feel like an ass. I jumped to conclusions that were probably wrong.
 
Hi gandalfthegamer,

I am thinking that for your efforts, you would just like some simple appreciation. Her comment about smothering was kind of the opposite of appreciation, so I can understand why it hurt. Not sure what to suggest, sometimes we just have to wait things out. Like maybe for a short time she felt a certain way, but later on she might feel differently. The fact that she later apologized seems to indicate that this was the case: hang in there and wait it out. I suppose you could ask her whether the amount of attention you've been giving her is too little, just right, or too much. Whatever she answers, believe what she says. Then you'll have some idea of what to do.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Hi,

I may have the wrong hunch, but I feel an undercurrent of passive agrresiveness coming from her. If so, there are things that the two of you need to talk about that she may be reluctant to talk about.

There's this concept of the 4 horsemen of the relationship that I found useful. It attempts to explain the difficulties we encounter in relationships, not sure if you can relate. If your wife is feeling confused about her feelings and the confusion is making her act in unpleasant ways around you, then she may need to work on understanding NRE. I gave links earlier in your intro thread.

Best wishes,
Shaya.
 
One thing that stuck out for me in your story was the word "smothered"...

Having multiple partners usually means having less alone time, at least it does if you're trying to spend a lot of time with all of them. Add kids to that, and... I imagine your wife just isn't getting much time to herself. Sometimes being around people - even people you love - can get overwhelming, and even most extroverts need an hour or two alone once in a while.

That's not to say she wasn't grateful for your attention, I'm sure she was. Just that a lack of pure personal time, especially if it's a new thing due to a new partner AND more attention from you, can be tough on anyone. Time management is one of the hardest parts of poly, it's easy to forget to make time for YOURSELF in addition to your partners. Might be something you can suggest to her if the smothered feeling comes up again.
 
Have those headaches checked. Like, NOW.

Mayo Clinic - chronic daily headaches
Occasional headaches are common, and usually require no medical attention. However, consult your doctor if:
  • You usually have two or more headaches a week
  • You take a pain reliever for your headaches most days
  • You need more than the recommended dose of over-the-counter pain remedies to relieve your headaches
  • Your headache pattern changes or your headaches worsen
  • Your headaches are disabling
Seek prompt medical care if your headache:
  • Is sudden and severe
  • Accompanies a fever, stiff neck, confusion, seizure, double vision, weakness, numbness or difficulty speaking
  • Follows a head injury
  • Gets worse despite rest and pain medication
Click to expand...
 
Thank you everyone for the assessments. We talked a little about it, and she just needed some time to herself, I was being overly attentive and wasn't giving her enough breathing room...but it's all good now.
 
Ravenscroft said:
Have those headaches checked. Like, NOW.

Mayo Clinic - chronic daily headaches
Click to expand...

She could see a doctor, for reassurance, maybe some tests. But it sounds like she's stressed. She's poly now, it's new. Something is going on with her OSO... maybe there's trouble in paradise.

Or perhaps it's hormonal. I never got regular headaches until perimenopause happened. Then I got them cyclically.

I'm glad the "too much attention" thing got solved, at least for now. After years of neglect, it could take time to calibrate just how much attention is "just right."
 
Magdlyn said:
She could see a doctor, for reassurance, maybe some tests. But it sounds like she's stressed. She's poly now, it's new. Something is going on with her OSO... maybe there's trouble in paradise.

Or perhaps it's hormonal. I never got regular headaches until perimenopause happened. Then I got them cyclically.

I'm glad the "too much attention" thing got solved, at least for now. After years of neglect, it could take time to calibrate just how much attention is "just right."
Click to expand...

I will have to decline on talking specifics about this, as it is in the realm of things that are inappropriate to discuss, but, we have this under control.
 
So I know that things seem to be Doom and Gloom with the posts that I've had, so I figured I needed to brighten it up a bit.

Just the other day, my wife had done several things, small, large, whatever, I can't go into details about all of it...that reinforced the fact that she loves me, and that she cares about me.

I was left thinking to myself...damn...there is no way in hell she would do those things if she really didn't care about me.

Kind of a slap in the face to my own insecurities. But, nevertheless, it has been a damn good few days.

Oh, and for those following, her headaches are pretty much gone.
 
Good to hear that things are going well at this time.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top