Looking to Learn and Connect

[Aden2025]

Hi everyone,

We are a male-female couple based in Michigan and fairly new to the poly world. After 15 plus years together, we’ve decided to explore this path intentionally and respectfully. Both of us are straight, though she’s currently exploring her bi side. We’re specifically hoping to build a meaningful connection with a woman who vibes with both of us.

We’re hoping to find community here in Michigan, whether that’s online spaces, local meetups, or events where like-minded people connect. If you know of any welcoming groups or places to start, we’d really appreciate the recommendations.

One thing we’re still figuring out is how to start the conversation in everyday life, especially for him. He often gets attention from women in casual social settings, and we’d love some advice on:

• What’s a respectful and authentic way for him to bring up that we’re in a poly relationship?
• How can he naturally steer the conversation toward the fact that we’re looking for a woman to connect with both of us, without making it feel forced or transactional?
• What are some red flags or common pitfalls to avoid when engaging with someone who may not be familiar with poly dynamics?

We’re not looking for a hookup. We care deeply about communication, consent, mutual interest, and building something based on connection and shared values. We want to make sure we’re navigating this space with honesty and kindness.

Would love to hear how others have handled similar conversations and what’s helped you find community and connection.

Thanks in advance for your thoughts and insight.

A and E

P.S. We would like someone local or semi-local around Michigan or Ohio, but we would be open to a longer-distance relationship, as well.

 

[Magdlyn]

Hi. Welcome to polyamory and to polyamory.com!

It's good you two are doing some research before jumping into dating.

[Mod hat on] We ask that couples do not use a shared account, but each person make their own. This way the members can know to whom they are speaking. Each of you is an individual with your own needs, backgrounds, hang-ups, desires, etc. I understand that you carefully crafted your first post together, but in future you might want to write as individuals. If you continue to share an account, please sign each post with the person's name who has written it. Thanks!

Speaking of individual desires, that is the issue with going into poly-dating with the pre-set idea that you will find a woman who is into both of you equally, and whom you both like/love/desire equally, as well. Formerly monoamorous couples often feel they want to "share the poly adventure," and "find a third" who will mesh with both of them, thinking this will protect their original relationship.

Sadly, trying to share a third (these women are so rare they are called unicorns) usually creates more jealousy/envy than it prevents.

In our Golden Nuggets section, we have a couple links to articles on "Unicorn Hunting," and "secondaries."

https://polyamory.com/threads/most-commonly-cited-resources-articles-books-websites-podcasts-etc.155304/

Triad or V - What's More Complicated?

I get a lot of people new to polyamory insisting that they must date together, or meet people together, because it "will be less complicated." I see this in comments on social media, on dating app profiles, on couple's profiles on social media (that black and red one that starts with an F...

www.readyforpolyamory.com

So, someone called you a Unicorn Hunter?

This article is a long, technical discussion of what being a "Unicorn Hunter" means, what's wrong with it, and how people in such a situation can try to avoid the negative stereotypes associated with such behavior and get the things that they are ultimately looking for. It is written in a…

davidlnoble.livejournal.com

More Than Two | Secondary’s Guide

You can also do a search here for the term "triad" or "unicorn" to find past threads on this topic. There are dozens, if not hundreds. We've been an active board since 2009.

I don't mean to overwhelm you with information, but I just wanted to let you quickly know that this is not a dating site, but a place to discuss polyamory, learn and share. If you want to meet local women, I'd recommend doing a google search for "[your city] polyamory."

Trying to form a triad as people new to polyamory could be extremely difficult. Often the first two or three dates or threeway sex sessions are great, but then things start to shift. One of you might like her and the other one might not be too enthused. The woman in question will almost certainly vibe more with one of you than the other, as well. I understand your motivation, and wish you all the best, but proceed with caution.

There are three dyads in a triad

John + Mary
John + Becky
Becky + Mary

Each dyad needs its own space to be nurtured and grow. Just like you two need your one-on-one time, so will each of you and your "unicorn" need time to yourselves. And if one of the dyads falls apart, plan for what to do then. If John + Becky (the new person) are head-over-heels for each other, but Mary is feeling meh, or outright resentment, what happens? Must Becky be booted? That will cause heartbreak for both her and John. This is called a veto. Many couples do not practice vetoes because they usually don't work. It's not uncommon for the original couple to even break up and one of them continue with the former unicorn. It can get that messy. I'm sure you don't want that.

Good luck!

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Aden2025,

I hope you find the right woman for you, if we can help let us know. For local poly community, try googling "Michigan polyamory," "Detroit polyamory," or even "Metro Detroit polyamory." I don't think Michigan is very strong on offering poly communities, but it's possible they've improved in recent years.

He should say something like, "I should let you know, I'm in a poly relationship," when it comes up, perhaps when there's any flirting. Then when the other person says, "What's poly," he can describe poly, and add that he's hoping to find one bi woman to be with both him and his wife.

The one caution I would give, is, never be in a rush, approach things in small increments with lots of transparent communication along the way. Never assume, always get/give confirmation about things. When you find the right woman, tell her in detail what your expectations are, right from the beginning.

Such are my thoughts,
Kevin T.