loss of breath and heartbroken.new to open relationshi

R

renata123

New member
Hello Everyone and thank you for reading my long post.

I feel out of breath and heartbroken. I need advice from others.
My hubby and I have been together for 14 years. Throughout the relationship, there was constant cheating on his end because he has been poly and never admitted it to me. He led a poly or open relationship life with other woman and they knew about me, I just didn't know about them. These relationships that at the time hurt me to the core when I would find out put a strain in our marriage. I never knew that it was an open relationship. .in my eyes because i was left in the dark was an affair. My hubby has been the only person I have been with and I mean completely only one. FIRST EVERYTHING. For this reason and others my hubby considers me the love of his life and has not left me because he states he truly loves me. At least his only true love as he states. I stuck around through the infedility because I truly love him to the very soul of my body.

This past December he confessed that he could no longer be with me. He was unhappy and wanted to move out. This is were I found out about the poly or open marriage situation. He stated that unless we did the open marriage, he could not stay faithful and could no longer watch me get hurt. He gave me the option of looking into an open marriage and do my research on it.

I did, thought about it, researched and agree. I would be unhappy without him and he would be unhappy without me, so why not make the effort.

Here is where I need advice. When we first started, he stated that in order for this to work, communication is key and boundaries need to be set. I am not dating and choosing not to date. He loves me being his only and I'm okay with that, so he dates.

I gave him my boundaries of what i wanted so i felt comfortable with the situation.

No emational relationships at least until i am comfortable with the situaution.
Certain intimate things stay between us only..such as no showers with other woman, no finishing inside other woman, alwways using protection and others.
No spending the night.
Always talk to each other ..if i have a question than it needs to be answered.
If at all possible the other person should be married as well. I feel like single woman fall in love to quickly and want a serious relationship to the point of hubby moving in with them. He states it has happen with past relationships with single woman. 99% why he broke up with them was because he did not want to leave me and they knew.

It's been two months and I adapted to the lifestyle beautifly.

He than admitted that before telling me about the open marriage or moving out. He was talking to a married woman through OKC. She wanted to meet him and he wanted to meet her. He told me that all she wanted was sex and that thats all he wanted too. Occasional sex with one person. He showed me her profile told me everything and i was ok with it.

Once the meeting began, this woman fell for my husband hard. She than stated that her husbad is Asexual. It had been 5 years since the last time they had sex. I told my hubby that i was not comfortable with him dating this woman. That i was expecting more a couple who both equally have sex and equally date others.

He told me nothing would change that it was just sex. Even though i was uncomfortable, i said yes.
Now, this relationship has become serious, she is crazy over him and him her. The boundaries i gave have slowly diminished because it limits him to fully enjoy the relationship with this woman.

I feel like she plans things out to break us up. We argue all the time because all the boundaries that make me comfortable he breaks. I want to amke him happy and wilk do anything for him. But now i feel like he does not return the feeling towards me as far as making me happy and confortable again it's been two months for me and years for him, but first time with me knowing about his relationships.

we had a heated argument today because her husband is going out of town and she wants him to spend the weekend with her. I told him, NO I am not there yet ..I'm sorry. I need time.

He was so upset that he said, that this is what he has done always, no different than when i did not know. He said that I should not get a say on who he dates that's his business not mine. He also said that he was not lookimg for my permission, that letting me know should be enough and to trust him that he will always love me and never leave me. To trust him and that's it. That even if he falls in love or likes this girl a lot. He would never leave me. I'm his primary.

I'm so heartbroken, this is where I need advice. I thought open marriages or poly relationships, were done with the understanding and agreement that each person feels comfortable with the situation. That when one person states their disposition on a certain thing they would listen and tey to make the person happy.


I feel unhappy, i feel like all i do is bend over backwards to make him happy and now all inwant isnfor him to understand that i am not comfortable with certain things he is doing with this woman because I'm still just two months into this lifestyle.

Am i wrong to act this way to feel this way. Is he right? I have no clue what this lifestyle is like so how can I handle the jelousy and the uncomfortable situaution that he wants me to be okay with.

Thank you for reading my long post.

Renata
 
First, *so many hugs*

Second, your husband is NOT poly. He is a cheating, entitled, selfish asshole.There is a world of difference. He gives poly a horrible name, and is one of the reasons it has such a bad reputation.

"This lifestyle" is about ethics, it's about loving relationships. There are many ways to do it, and not a single one involves treating any of your partners like this. Your feelings are not wrong, and he is in no way "right." He is the exact opposite of "right," regardless of being mono or poly.

Leave him.

I am not being harsh when I say he's an asshat.

He was not having "poly" relationships with other women and you were not in a "poly" marriage. He was being a cheating, lying asshat. He is controlling, manipulative, dishonest...the list goes on.

There is so much wrong here that I literally have no idea to begin. What he is doing is not poly, it's not ethical non-monogamy, it's emotional abuse.

There is nothing worth keeping in this relationship. He treats you horribly, and has for years. You don't have to accept crumbs from his table--that is NOT what poly is about.

Get out. Now. Get some counseling. You have wasted way more than enough time on this jerk, who clearly has zero respect for you, and has put your physical, emotional, and financial health at risk for your entire relationship. No matter what he says, what he shows is not love. He is using the words "I love you," and "true love" to manipulate you.

We are here to help you, to support you. Ask as many questions as you need, and we'll give you us much help as we can. You are not alone.
 
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I'm in agreement. This is cheating.

He didn't honor previous 'boundaries,' such as those ensconced in the marriage vows. I'm not at all surprised he's not honoring these new ones. I don't expect he'll honor any future ones, unless the 'boundary' you agree to is, "Do whatever you want and tell me if you feel like it, and I'll just be over here cooking your dinner warm for in case you decide to come home."
 
Oh sweetie, this is not poly. Leave this jerkface, pronto.
 
Thank you for the replies.

It gives me great relief to know I am not crazy.
I did a lot of research on the subject of open relationships and or poly relationships. The fact that communication and being able to be so open and be able to say "hey, I'm not comfortable with that! Let's work our way there" was appetizing to me.

But pretty much our disagreement ended in "when you accepted the open marriage ir relationship, you accepted her and what comes with it"

What's sad is that I actually think the lifestyle is beautiful and freeing. I was wilkikg to do so much with so much love. In my mind it works of the other party loves and respects their spouse. I was stupid to think that he would.

Now I'm just lookikg into a divorce lawyer. Truly sad and heartbroken.

Thank you again for your replies.
 
Good for you. Sounds to me like the best thing you can do in this circumstance is get together with a good divorce lawyer and start planning your own life.

Your husband has proved that what he can be trusted to do is lie to you, cheat on you and break agreements he has with you. This does not sound like loving behaviour to me. He may say that he loves you but his actions tell a very different story.

Added to all of that, he expects that you remain monogamous with him while he runs around finding new women to help him break his agreements with.

Your situation is all kinds of wrong.

It's excellent that you are taking steps to get out of it. I'm absolutely certain that your life will be 100% better once you are free of your husband. It's his loss, for sure. You sound like a loving person who is willing to work very hard to make life good for people that you love.

Take that wonderful skill and use it to build solid relationships with a person or people who are able to return that love to you in their actions as well as their words.

IP
 
So sorry!

Oh - my - God!
I am so sorry that this is happening to you!

Please leave this man, he's not poly, he's a cheating asshole and disrespects you. You can find someone so much better, someone who appreciates and respects you!
I know sometimes we are so used to some behaviour that we start to think it's "normal" - but you really really don't have to stay with this man.

I wish you all the best!
 
I am sorry you deal in this.

I am glad you have decided to see a divorce lawyer. If later on you decide to poly on your own in more honest, ethical ways, you can do so. I just think trying to do it with a cheater is going to be nothing but new aggravations.

You deserve to be treated well. And he does not treat you well.

So you treat yourself well and get away from this situation.

GL!

Galagirl
 
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omg this guy takes the cake. He's as bad as the guy that's into starting a harem by impregnating young homely women. Ditch him pronto!
 
Renata,

I am so glad you are looking into your options for moving out of that relationship.

Please, check in here if you need some support.
 
Hi Renata,

So sorry to hear about your situation. It sounds like your husband's current position is that as long as you have *knowledge* of what's happening, he doesn't need to get your *consent.* Then of course his original position was that he needed neither your knowledge nor your consent and it would still count as poly. :eek:

I think you are making the right decision to divorce this man. You deserve someone with enough conscience to adhere to some solid ethics, not ethics that change shape every time the situation changes or his personal convenience calls for it.

Whatever help we can offer, we are here to do so.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I had nearly the same thing happen to me. They were probably cheating already, that is how it happened to me, then he introduced her as if they had never met...LIES.. Leopard never changed his spots.
 
Egad, Renata, he has been incredibly abusive toward you! What a bully!

My advice: withdraw a good chunk of money from any joint accounts you may have and move it to a different bank, change the locks, get a new cellphone (with a separate account and a number he doesn't know, from a totally different carrier than the one you currently have), tell him he can sleep somewhere else, and get that lawyer - pronto!

At least, read this post I made in a different thread a while back:
nycindie said:
You love him, but need to realize that loving someone is not enough to make a relationship healthy, satisfying, and mutually supportive. Love is simply not the only thing a relationship should be based on to be successful. You can have feelings of love for someone who is totally wrong for you - what good does that do you? There are more important things that a person absolutely needs from a relationship. Don't let your exhaustion from what you've been going through cloud your judgment. If you saw a good friend being treated this way by her partner, what would you tell her?

In my opinion, everyone in a long-term, committed relationship should ask themselves these questions to gauge whether or not a relationship is healthy and satisfying:

Am I respected? Is my privacy respected?
Do I feel valued for who I am, just the way I am?
Does my partner hear and acknowledge me when I express myself?
Is my partner trustworthy and honest with me?
Am I psychologically and physically safe, and free to be myself with this person?
Do I look forward with excitement to spending time with my partner?
Does my relationship with this person enhance and enrich my life?
​
I think if one or two of these questions are answered with "no," there is a lot of hard work ahead -- but if the answer is "no" to most of these questions, I'd say the relationship is detrimental or abusive in a huge way, and basically should not continue.

Your situation will probably get worse before it gets better, if you don't take action. Here is a guideline on the tactics that abusers use to control their partners (the link is to a PDF): Tactics of Coercive Control Used by Men Against Intimate Female Partners.

The author also has extensive blog posts on each tactic, starting with #1 here: Tactic #1 — One-Sided Power Games.

I think you need to get out of your environment as soon as possible. The site I mentioned above also lists ways to develop a plan to get yourself to safety (after reading them, do make a plan!): How to Stay Safe When You Leave a Controlling Partner (the advice they give about making a false trail is especially good, I think).

There is another good list here: http://www.domesticviolence.org/personalized-safety-plan/.
Click to expand...
Don't waste time focusing on this idea that you love each other - he has not been loving toward you. It is an illusion and irrelevant. I wish you all the best in taking back control of your life.
 
Lazy and childish

I'm sorry sweetie that that happened to you.

This seems to be the trend that I am very disturbed at seeing the term poly being used for cheating. I don't want to get in the debate weather multiple love is a disposition or a choice....but being married or committed and lying is..and are not any part of Poly living. Even when my husband didn't want to know who my playmates were, th, my concience dealt me harsh blows and when I fell in love, my inner conflict was the greatest. My inner core told me openness was a must. Ifor your husband, if he had chosen to leave or separate himself from you with your full knowledge he was going to be open, he would have started out right but he lied and gave himself the freedom he was too cowardly to work for. Open relationships take work and maturity, he is lazy and childish, using a dignified process to validate his undignified behavior. I am extremely disturbed by the trend. I just ran into this issue in my poly fb groupup today. A man joined the group as a poly couple with questions. After initial questioning, I finally asked,is your wife consenting to you being Poly, he said not exactly. She dosent know I'm poly....I told him...your not...your a cheater. And ended the conversation. This subject has me really burning tonight. It's time to really start spreading the word about responsible non- monogamy.
 
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