Lost and feeling bad

D

danbocheese

New member
Hi all,
not sure if this is the place to post this, but anyway, here goes.
After a very long relationship with my partner (I am a straight male and she is a straight, I think but I am not sure of anything now, female) she has come out to me as wanting a polyamorous relationship.
This has devastated me. I am monogamous and have absolutely no interest in dating anyone else and neither did my partner until recently. She told me she had quelled these feelings over the years and has only recently opened herself up to them after reading books and meeting a polyamorous couple. She has not pursued it, other than meeting a poly couple and going to one poly meeting and wouldn't because she sees me as the love of her life and wants to stay with me and be the love of her life.
I was stunned by what she told me and she begged me to please try and understand her and to not judge and read about it. I understand her feelings and do not judge her because I love her so much. I also read up on polyamory...extensively...and spoke with her friends and I realise this is just not for me. It is not something I want to explore other than intellectually and is definitely something I do not want to indulge (if that's the right word) in. And I want myself and my partner to remain monogamous!
I am broken up by what she has told me. She has said it isn't a threat to me and I understand that and nor would she ever leave me for any one else. But it is a side to her she has finally recognised and she told me she would be so much happier in a poly relationships.
She knows my thoughts and feelings and is desperately sad that I am do not want a poly lifestyle. I am very happy being with just her and am broken up by this revelation.
Can someone, anyone, help me with this although I have no idea how...
Sorry for spelling and grammatical errors, but I am a little overwhelmed right now.
 
Well, actually, this sort of thing has been a particularly hot topic recently, on this forum. Due to this, I came to read more about another forum member who is bound to pop on later. Anyway, for other reasons, Galagirl is in what she describes as a "closed polyship of two". Meaning that whilst she is poly (her husband is mono), they (she) is currently closed to new partners. However, and this is the part that is relevant to you, Galagirl is able to freely discuss polyamory and crushes and things like that with her partner. I suppose there might be some boundaries and sensitivity but she doesn't have to deny that part of her identity. She just isn't acting on it.

You can read all about this on her blog http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=26267

My point is that this obviously can work for some people. I think it's definitely something to try and achieve if you really want to avoid terminating the relationship. Maybe, over time, the mono partner might become more comfortable or the poly partner might feel that close but platonic friendships with the addition of being able to speak freely with their partner is fulfilling enough.


Note: Sorry for using you as an example Galagirl, but knowing more about your relationship has really made me think about alternatives.
 
Hi there,

Sorry you are both hurting so much right now. If you know polyamory is really not for you, and you know you cannot handle your relationship being open on her side only, then that's just the way it is. The pair of you have a difficult decision to make together - whether you stay together knowing that you differ so strongly in this area, or whether you accept that you might both be better suited to different partners. A phrase you hear every now and then is 'love is not enough'. I think this applies in this case. Loving someone deeply, and having that love reciprocated, does not make us compatible as partners. Whilst there are couples who make the mono-poly romance work, it is a real challenge. I believe a good analogy is with one partner wanting children, and another partner not. In itself, wanting children or not wanting children is a neutral thing. One stance is neither better nor worse than the other. Most people want children, and so often we assume that as a default. It can therefore seem a shock if we suddenly find out that our partner is different to us on this fundamental level. So too with polyamory.

I have a feeling that in the case where there is a mismatch in wanting kids, most people would counsel that the best course of action is to separate, so that the person wanting kids doesn't miss out on their chance of happiness. I think that this is probably the most ethical thing to do. Of course, it will hurt like hell, but it's an acute pain that we can heal from and move on from. Suppressing a part of your inner nature is a sure-fire way to build resentment and possibly self-hatred, as well as poisoning your relationship and ruining the good feelings that were originally there. Likewise, bullying, harassing, or haranguing your partner into going against their own grain and opening up the relationship is similarly cruel and destructive. If this is who you are, if this is who she is, there's no amount of advice or wishing otherwise that can change that. :(

For those who feel like they aren't polyamorous themselves, but who want to work towards accepting their partner as they are, then sure, there are things that can be done to better understand a poly-mindset, with a view to becoming comfortable with your partner dating others. But it's bloody hard work and you've got to want to do that for your own reasons, not just to keep the relationship. You seem incredibly clear in your own mind that this is not what you want, so that's not really a path you should consider. The hard bit for her is that she hasn't actually had the chance to explore polyamory to see if the fit is as good as the fantasy. That might mean she feels less confident in her feelings, and like it's better for her just to suppress her desires. There are a few people on this forum who have put their poly aside because of being in a monogamous relationship, and they can advise you (or her) on this better than I can. It seems to me that those arrangements can work as long as the mono partner is still willing to at least talk about the poly partners feelings for others. If the idea of her being attracted to others is as much of a trigger for you and your insecurities as her acting on those feelings, then that's probably not a sustainable strategy either.

As I say, you have some difficult decisions to make together. Keep talking to each other and really try to understand each others perspectives. That will make it easier to accept, whatever you decide.
 
I have not had to deal with poly being sprung upon me after a period of time in a monogamous relationship.

But, I am in a monogamous relationship with a man who would probably prefer to have poly relationships (his views have changed and I'm not sure now how strongly he feels that).

Anyway - when we got together he told me about it. In fact, he told me about it when we were still friends and not in a romantic relationship at all. I did some reading. Joined this forum. Spoke to people about it. Went to a couple of evening events about it.

Came to the conclusion that it's not something I want in my life. I see romantic relationships - especially those between men and women - as a way of relating that needs ongoing work and attention. I have a ton of things in my life and people who I love that I want to spend my time and energy with. For me, the effect is that the work and effort of being involved in multiple romantic relationships or even the work and effort of dealing with my partner having additional relationships, isn't something I'm up for. There are only so many hours in the day. :)

My partner reckons he's fine with being monogamous - even that he's not sure how he feels about poly anymore. If he were not to be so, I have said that I am okay with doing the work needed to shift our relationship to one of friendship.

My partner and I are able to discuss crushes that we have with each other. Developing very close friendships with others is totally fine too. We don't cling to each other and try to keep others away - I suspect that's partly why things work between us.

I don't feel an ongoing sense of anxiety about causing my partner to resent me. Or that he might meet a wonderfully cute poly girl and go off with her - if he did, I'd be sad but ultimately pleased for him that he had a good new thing in his life.

If your girlfriend is keen to stay with you, how does she see that working if she wants to be actively poly and you wish to be actively monogamous?

I hope that things become clearer for both of you soon.

IP
 
Greetings danbocheese,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

Sorry to hear you have been hit hard by this poly news. It sounds like you have investigated the subject extensively, and are sure it's not for you. And there are certainly poly/mono couples, but you seem to be certain you don't want that either; you want to be in a mono/mono couple.

Whether that's possible remains to be seen. For now it sounds like your partner is willing to be monogamous in order to remain with you, so that's simple enough, you just remain monogamous together. If that changes in the future I guess you'll cross that bridge then.

Hopefully Polyamory.com will be of some help to you.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
It's over...

Well the end came. She said it was something she wanted to explore. She was also devastated because she does love me, but feels the poly side of her is too important to ignore.
I am completely crushed. Saddened. Depressed. Angry.
In therapy but its going nowhere.
We went for coffee a couple of days ago and she told me she has met a poly bi couple and is in a relationship with the man and the woman.
Then she apologised for hurting me so badly and offered to go to therapy with me to support me.
Had to leave the coffee bar I was so crushed by what she said.
Despair is overwhelming.
 
Sorry to see it ended the way it did. I think most have gone through a break-up. it is normal to grieve. Eventually you will heal and find someone more in tune with your way of thinking. I'm sure it was hard for her as well. A person does have to be true to themselves though. You both did that. Had she stayed, she would have grown to resent losing that part of her, just as you would have resented if she dated others, if you had chosen to compromise that part of yourself.
 
I am very sorry you are hurting. Breaking up is not fun. I think you guys did the right thing though -- you do not want poly, and she does.

You are going to feel a lot of things as you process and hopefully begin to heal.
Maybe you want to see a grief counselor to help you mourn the loss in addition to current therapist? Or read up on stages of grief?

Saddened. Depressed. Angry. All those sound like you are moving through the stages. Close to the upward turn even. You ARE progressing. It just might not feel like it yet.

You may not want to hear about her poly dating right now -- could tell her not to tell you.

Hang in there.

Galagirl
 
Hi danbocheese,

I am thinking you were at least hoping not to get hit by this blow. That probably makes it extra painful. And maybe you are feeling like polyamory is a bad thing, and that it should never be done because it destroys lives. I don't want to try to convince you that's not true, it would not be appropriate of me at this time. You feel what you feel. Anyone would be devastated in your situation. It will take a long time to heal from this.

I just want to extend my sympathies, and hope I can help in some small way.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Stage of grief.

Hi galagirl,
thanks for your reply and for all the replies I have received:)
And thanks for the link. I have been well aware of the stages of grief (I think it was Elisabeth Kubler Ross who first identified them) it is a model that has shown to be unverified and based on observation bias and fairly woolly thinking, but thanks anyway, I know it was done out of kindness.
Yes, the breakup is very difficult, especially as I am a somewhat older male and thought I had finally found the person I want to be with for the rest of my life, But, I also recognise I sincerely want her to be happy and despite the grief, sadness and I must admit to a very small amount of anger, I would not want to hold her back in any way if what she wants makes her happy. I just wish it was not so painful and I did not feel so discarded. You see she has already moved on to a relationship and it left me feeling I have been so easily replaced and that our time together meant, in the end, very little.
If it had meant something I don't think she would have moved on so fast. Maybe she had been exploring it without telling me and had already been involved? Who knows? And in the end, does it really matter anymore.
And in reply to kdt26417, I don't blame polyamory in any way. I don't see anything wrong with it, it doesn't seem to deliberately set out to cause harm and from the research I have don't, it can bring some couples close together.
Didn't work in my case; I am not wired for it, either genetically nor psychologically, but I can see from this forum that many people get a lot out of it.
But thanks galagirl and everyone else who replied. Maybe I'll go along to a meeting sometime (are there any groups in Toronto, Canada?) and see of there are any people who have had similar experiences as mine and maybe talk to them...
Thanks again everyone...
GalaGirl said:
I am very sorry you are hurting. Breaking up is not fun. I think you guys did the right thing though -- you do not want poly, and she does.

You are going to feel a lot of things as you process and hopefully begin to heal.
Maybe you want to see a grief counselor to help you mourn the loss in addition to current therapist? Or read up on stages of grief?

Saddened. Depressed. Angry. All those sound like you are moving through the stages. Close to the upward turn even. You ARE progressing. It just might not feel like it yet.

You may not want to hear about her poly dating right now -- could tell her not to tell you.

Hang in there.

Galagirl
Click to expand...
 
It is ok if that model is not your cup of tea. But I still encourage you to talk to your therapist about what you are going through and what you might be able to do for yourself as you process. Break ups are not fun. Having extra support or tools might not hurt.

Hang in there!

Galagirl
 
Hi all

Hi again,
thanks for the reply, galagirl and kdt26417, I'll work this out by myself over time. Seems like other aspects of my life are unravelling right now; just had an email regarding a friend of mine from my days in the British Army has died. So I am dealing with that as well, but without the person in my life who I trusted the most. And I have no family to talk it over with and my best friends all live in Europe...I'll get through this over time and I want to thank you guys for your kindness and sensitivity you showed in understanding how I was feeling. Maybe will post some more at a later date, there are a few questions I have about polyamory which I hope you guys can answer.
:)
Regards to all.

GalaGirl said:
It is ok if that model is not your cup of tea. But I still encourage you to talk to your therapist about what you are going through and what you might be able to do for yourself as you process. Break ups are not fun. Having extra support or tools might not hurt.

Hang in there!

Galagirl
Click to expand...
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top