I admittedly haven't been poly that long Really, I am in my first real open (I tend to identify more as open than poly) relationship currently. My primary and I have been together for 4.5 years and in that time had a couple secondaries each which really haven't caused too many waves in our relationship. I mean, her and I are human, so of course there are little spurts of jealousy sometimes but really nothing too big. Mostly, the issues her and I have had have either come from within the relationship, or USUALLY, somewhere even deeper in our individual personas (where all problems arise really), never really from outside the relationship.
Something really different happened to me this summer. I attended a music festival near where I live and connected with a younger woman (10 years to be exact) who I felt an instant recognition of, a familiarity and intensity that was far too fun and mysterious not to play with a little bit.
So in the two months that followed the festival, we did connect a few times, and on several occasions, in really amazing and technicolor fasion. I realize that "perfect" is a fantasy and nothing more, and I realize more every day how much I have let the idea of "perfect" tease, torture, confuse, disorient and even disintegrate me in my intimate relationships so many times, so its not a concept I take too seriously. Still, while interacting with this one, it became VERY hard to ignore how perfectly she seemed to posess the means and ways of meeting me the way I want to be met. She was Brilliant, beautiful, musical, deep like the ocean, bright like the sun but she could dim like the moon, spunky, tough as a rock but had the most beautiful soft side I have ever seen, like EVER, and this girl was freaking HILARIOUS. Oh man we laughed so hard....needless to say, I kinda got addicted (not proud of it but I'll own it)
Despite my blooming feelings for festival girl, I also began to notice some really hurtful and immature communication and power games she seemed to insist on playing with me. I asked her, in subtle ways at first and more obvious ways later in the encounter, to chill with the games, but alas, her damage was too much to resist my instincts screaming at me to RUN. So about two months ago, I cut contact off with her completely and I can honestly say that although it became a glairingly obvious "MUST BAIL" situation, it left me feeling...absolutely devastated. I felt so...deceived, violated, betrayed, disappointed, disenchanted and frankly terrified to near panic attack levels by even the simple thought of emotional vulnerability. I immediately felt my physical and emmotional bodies close, like completely. I completely lost my libedo, which usually rages out of control, and quite frankly, I lost ALL interest in physical or emotional intimacy with anyone, including my primary, whom I still love, a ton.
Honestly the whole thing was really rough on my primary too. I think she could feel the intensity of my growing feelings for festival girl when they were there but now its been 2 months since I walked away from festival girl and I still want nothing to do with physical or emotional closeness of any kind. I feel really terrible but I don't know what I can do to change the way my body feels about all of this....anyone ever gone through anything like this? Did it resolve? What the fuck? I have had to nurse myself through MANY break ups, but I wasn't even really in a relationship with this one and yet, it has me all tied in a knot. Despite hurting a TON, its just really strange...anyone have any thoughts or advice (preferrably experience based)?
Something really different happened to me this summer. I attended a music festival near where I live and connected with a younger woman (10 years to be exact) who I felt an instant recognition of, a familiarity and intensity that was far too fun and mysterious not to play with a little bit.
So in the two months that followed the festival, we did connect a few times, and on several occasions, in really amazing and technicolor fasion. I realize that "perfect" is a fantasy and nothing more, and I realize more every day how much I have let the idea of "perfect" tease, torture, confuse, disorient and even disintegrate me in my intimate relationships so many times, so its not a concept I take too seriously. Still, while interacting with this one, it became VERY hard to ignore how perfectly she seemed to posess the means and ways of meeting me the way I want to be met. She was Brilliant, beautiful, musical, deep like the ocean, bright like the sun but she could dim like the moon, spunky, tough as a rock but had the most beautiful soft side I have ever seen, like EVER, and this girl was freaking HILARIOUS. Oh man we laughed so hard....needless to say, I kinda got addicted (not proud of it but I'll own it)
Despite my blooming feelings for festival girl, I also began to notice some really hurtful and immature communication and power games she seemed to insist on playing with me. I asked her, in subtle ways at first and more obvious ways later in the encounter, to chill with the games, but alas, her damage was too much to resist my instincts screaming at me to RUN. So about two months ago, I cut contact off with her completely and I can honestly say that although it became a glairingly obvious "MUST BAIL" situation, it left me feeling...absolutely devastated. I felt so...deceived, violated, betrayed, disappointed, disenchanted and frankly terrified to near panic attack levels by even the simple thought of emotional vulnerability. I immediately felt my physical and emmotional bodies close, like completely. I completely lost my libedo, which usually rages out of control, and quite frankly, I lost ALL interest in physical or emotional intimacy with anyone, including my primary, whom I still love, a ton.
Honestly the whole thing was really rough on my primary too. I think she could feel the intensity of my growing feelings for festival girl when they were there but now its been 2 months since I walked away from festival girl and I still want nothing to do with physical or emotional closeness of any kind. I feel really terrible but I don't know what I can do to change the way my body feels about all of this....anyone ever gone through anything like this? Did it resolve? What the fuck? I have had to nurse myself through MANY break ups, but I wasn't even really in a relationship with this one and yet, it has me all tied in a knot. Despite hurting a TON, its just really strange...anyone have any thoughts or advice (preferrably experience based)?