Lost trust and how to get it back

Grieving

I think my body and my emotions have already figured out that I'm done with being a doormat because I have cried all day, caused by that deep ache that comes from grief. I do still plan to talk to him and at least me be honest with him whether he decides to be honest with me or not, and since I really don't think he will be...

So I'll be walking away from all of this in about 2 weeks. Sobering thought. :(
 
It's ok to grieve.

And be careful. The leaving time can be dangerous. The whole "If I can't have her, no one can!" thing. So if you don't think he's going to be honest, and all this talk does is give him the heads up? You might reconsider having it.

It's ok to just not be there in 2 weeks.

hugs,
Galagirl
 
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Trust me, you did the right thing.
 
Answers to questions

Ravenscroft said:
Do you want a better life? or just a more equitable shithole?

Let us know what you are doing to make it better -- including the interim results you expect from each of you -- or what you are doing to leave.

Other than that, it's just blah-blah-blah.
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Now that I've had some time to take all of the advice I have given into consideration I feel that I am ready to address your questions.

First off, I have decided to move. The only thing keeping me here was them so since I am ending it there is no point in me staying. I started applying for jobs in the city I have wanted to move to for quite some time and I am confident that I will be able to find something suitable within a few weeks.

I also started looking into a house to rent since I do not have the money for a down payment on something of my own. Unfortunately the house I own here will not sell for enough over what I owe to provide a down payment, I had renters in it until I moved back a year ago and they really tore the place up.

As far as what I expect from each of us, I'm only concerned with my long-term friendship with J and my own expectations. She and I have already talked several times and we agree that no matter what, we will still be the best of friends. I am still her babies godmother and she still wants me in the babies life and her life. As far as I am concerned, I am getting out of this situation and I'm not looking back. I don't think I will ever completely get over him but at this point I can't stick around and continue to be lied to. He can't trust me and I can't trust him and that is no way to build a relationship. He'll end up cheating and I'll continue to be jealous and angry and I don't like feeling that way.

I hope that answered your questions.
 
GalaGirl said:
It's ok to grieve.

And be careful. The leaving time can be dangerous. The whole "If I can't have her, no one can!" thing. So if you don't think he's going to be honest, and all this talk does is give him the heads up? You might reconsider having it.

It's ok to just not be there in 2 weeks.

hugs,
Galagirl
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I'm really not concerned about the whole "If I can't have her no one can" thing. He and I are pretty evenly matched when it comes to strength because I lift and take care of myself. I will still be careful though, I plan on making sure my back is to the door and he is further in the room than I am and my dog will be at home so that if I find myself in a situation where I need to leave quickly I can do so without having to worry about anything.

The main reason I want to have this conversation with him is for me. I want to leave this honestly, and if I don't tell him what I did and exactly how I feel then I'm not being honest and I need to do that for my own sake.
 
I want to leave this honestly, and if I don't tell him what I did and exactly how I feel then I'm not being honest and I need to do that for my own sake.
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I'm not saying don't have the conversation at all. You seem to want to have it.

Just saying you could think about WHEN to have it. Before leaving, during leaving, after leaving.

It's ok to just not be there in 2 weeks. Having a conversation about it after you are gone, in a public space, so there's not even a chance for shenanigans? I think that's a totally valid way to go. It's your conversation you want to have for your sake. So you could pick starting that convo at a time and place that suits YOU.

I am glad to see you are thinking ahead with making sure he is deeper in the room, the dog, leaving safely, etc if you chose to have it verbally in a private space before or during the leaving time.

However you decide to handle the timing/location of the conversation, I hope it goes as best as it can under the circumstances. I know this isn't fun for you from your posts. Again, I am sorry you have to be dealing in this unpleasantness.

Hang in there.

Galagirl
 
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Hi JustCurious83,

I'm sorry you've been through a rough time, and I hope you'll make it okay through the rough patches ahead. Eventually there will be healing.

You can't really ask your boyfriend if he'll be honest, because of course he'll say yes, whether it's true or not. That's the problem with trying to negotiate with a liar. They will always tell you what they think you want to hear.

I know you wanted to regain your trust for him, but maybe he was dishonest from the start? and you might not have detected it back then. We can all make mistakes like that, I know I have.

Hang in there, and keep us posted if you're willing.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
You can inform him honestly of your decision by leaving a letter on the table, when he comes back to an empty home.

It isn't, in actuality, more honorable to face him in person and tell it to his face. The more honorable thing to do is save your ass NOW. You should be packing at this moment and making your moving arrangements.

Be smart.
 
Updates

I will keep you all posted. I appreciate all the advice and the support.

I actually got a call this afternoon from one of the places I applied for a job with in the new town. I was surprised that called so quickly. I have an interview scheduled for the Monday after graduation.
 
Fingers crossed for your upcoming interview!
 
Update

So, I know I told all of you I would update you on what is going on. I'm actually still here. I didn't have any other choice though. While driving to my interview I was in a horrible car wreak that put me in casts and braces. I've had to have around the clock care. I should be starting physical therapy to get back on my feet sometime next week and they said it could take weeks for me to be able to walk again so until then I'm stuck.
 
I'm so sorry about the car wreck. I hope physical therapy helps and your healing/recovery process goes well.
Galagirl
 
I'm so sorry to hear that, JC83. :( I can only hope for a speedy recovery for you.
 
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