Sorry, long read.
I am a 60 year old cis male married to a 42 year old, now, bi female, lol. We have been together for 18 years, married for 9.
She had made comments over our relationship about attractions to other women and being curious in her youth but never acted on them. About 5-6 years ago she took a new job and met a wonderful women who was her boss at the time. Over the next couple of years they ended up not working together but turning in to BFF's. Due to her new friend finding a job near us and all of us being very compatible she ended up coming to live with us.
Around the time they met our marriage was struggling because of some serious communication, health and other issues we were having. It was all on me and I basically shut her out for a very long time. No sex was happening for a while. This coupled with her emotional needs never being fully met by me over the years because learning to be a communicator, being open was a difficult process for me due to basically raising myself, building defensive walls, etc. All this aside we have become very close and really each others rock, but frankly neither of our ideal mates. Her being liberal, a teacher, somewhat of a social justice warrior and raised in a very different, what I call spoiled environment, and me raised as a lower middle class, barely having enough, self raised conservative. It has been tough throughout but we have been solid until the last few years when I turned stupid.
After BFF was living with us a couple of years they both came to me and expressed interest in each other. BFF had previous bi and straight relationships in the past but my wife was dealing with an increasing wanting to explore her repressed sexuality with women.
This is where the biggest mistake was made
I agreed to be ok with them exploring the relationship further despite problems in our marriage. In that discussion BFF had said that at some point I might be considered a third partner in whatever came about. Not a situation I had every imagined but it definitely sparked my curiosity as I had been looking at BFF sexually but never acting out of respect for my wife. A lot of time went by with no mention of when, where, how, if it happened, was it a curious thing, an ongoing relationship, etc. I could not take the silence and made them have a sit down and talk. We have all agreed to be honest above all else from the beginning. Although not forthcoming they did admit to not only a sexual relationship but much more. In some ways I was feeling a relief because the emotional issues I had been avoiding were suddenly taken on by someone else. They spend a lot of time together and this freed me up. No longer was my wife not pushing me to open up she also was not coming to me in times of crisis either. Good at first but it increasingly wore on me.
I had a long talk with each of them and laid everything on the table. Being fully honest with my wife and basically having an epiphany about life overall. Explaining I can't sustain this and I want to collapse all walls and repair everything. Finding out BFF did have feelings for me, which my wife was a bit surprised by, we started a new, "family", as we were calling it. My wife said she was ok with BFF and I having a relationship and we had sex a few times. It was clear my wife was having some jealousy issues, having to know when, details, etc. Now she is more comfortable with it. BFF however is pulling away from me because the wife and I are not fully resolving our issues. We are civil, talking a lot, spending time together again and getting closer again but things are not resolved. Sex is not off the table but she is still having trust issues with me, feeling I will fall back in to old patters, etc.
So now I'm being rejected physically by both.
The biggest problem is that I have had something with BFF that I have been missing for decades. Physical chemistry is amazing, talking is easy, everything is easy. I not only love her, but have fallen deeply in love with her. We do things together that my wife is not interested in, etc. I know about NRE but this is insane and I can't stop thinking about us being together. I still love my wife very much. The prospect of all this is amazing but now I'm in hell because I can't see this going forward without both of them. If BFF says we can't continue I can't see staying in the same house together. They have a secure relationship that has surpassed the solidity of our marriage. Being here, wanting BFF and seeing them have a fulfilled, loving relationship is something I don't think I can do. But putting that pressure on all of us seems unfair.
Some part of me just wants to leave, wants this to end, because it is so painful to be in fear of it all collapsing. Neither one of them want that. Wife says she still loves me very much and doesn't want me out of her life. BFF says she wants nothing more than a "family" with all of us. I am stuck in hell right now because I am not a person who deals with things being unresolved. I want it fixed, today! That in itself is selfish after being a total, disconnected idiot for so long. I realize I can't have that and the insecurity is causing huge problems. I just got to a point where I couldn't carry all of it, being closed off, putting up walls, done with all of it. Letting all that go, coupled with this complicated menagerie feels like just too much. How do I relax and just let things happen as they will when it's just so not me? Feeling scared and helpless, but also realizing I'm the cause.
Also now in therapy for ADD at 60, lol. Trying to be this work in progress but there is so much going on and it all hinges (not the hinge, that is BFF) on me.
Thanks for reading if you got this far! All help and advise is greatly appreciated.
I am a 60 year old cis male married to a 42 year old, now, bi female, lol. We have been together for 18 years, married for 9.
She had made comments over our relationship about attractions to other women and being curious in her youth but never acted on them. About 5-6 years ago she took a new job and met a wonderful women who was her boss at the time. Over the next couple of years they ended up not working together but turning in to BFF's. Due to her new friend finding a job near us and all of us being very compatible she ended up coming to live with us.
Around the time they met our marriage was struggling because of some serious communication, health and other issues we were having. It was all on me and I basically shut her out for a very long time. No sex was happening for a while. This coupled with her emotional needs never being fully met by me over the years because learning to be a communicator, being open was a difficult process for me due to basically raising myself, building defensive walls, etc. All this aside we have become very close and really each others rock, but frankly neither of our ideal mates. Her being liberal, a teacher, somewhat of a social justice warrior and raised in a very different, what I call spoiled environment, and me raised as a lower middle class, barely having enough, self raised conservative. It has been tough throughout but we have been solid until the last few years when I turned stupid.
After BFF was living with us a couple of years they both came to me and expressed interest in each other. BFF had previous bi and straight relationships in the past but my wife was dealing with an increasing wanting to explore her repressed sexuality with women.
This is where the biggest mistake was made
I agreed to be ok with them exploring the relationship further despite problems in our marriage. In that discussion BFF had said that at some point I might be considered a third partner in whatever came about. Not a situation I had every imagined but it definitely sparked my curiosity as I had been looking at BFF sexually but never acting out of respect for my wife. A lot of time went by with no mention of when, where, how, if it happened, was it a curious thing, an ongoing relationship, etc. I could not take the silence and made them have a sit down and talk. We have all agreed to be honest above all else from the beginning. Although not forthcoming they did admit to not only a sexual relationship but much more. In some ways I was feeling a relief because the emotional issues I had been avoiding were suddenly taken on by someone else. They spend a lot of time together and this freed me up. No longer was my wife not pushing me to open up she also was not coming to me in times of crisis either. Good at first but it increasingly wore on me.
I had a long talk with each of them and laid everything on the table. Being fully honest with my wife and basically having an epiphany about life overall. Explaining I can't sustain this and I want to collapse all walls and repair everything. Finding out BFF did have feelings for me, which my wife was a bit surprised by, we started a new, "family", as we were calling it. My wife said she was ok with BFF and I having a relationship and we had sex a few times. It was clear my wife was having some jealousy issues, having to know when, details, etc. Now she is more comfortable with it. BFF however is pulling away from me because the wife and I are not fully resolving our issues. We are civil, talking a lot, spending time together again and getting closer again but things are not resolved. Sex is not off the table but she is still having trust issues with me, feeling I will fall back in to old patters, etc.
So now I'm being rejected physically by both.
The biggest problem is that I have had something with BFF that I have been missing for decades. Physical chemistry is amazing, talking is easy, everything is easy. I not only love her, but have fallen deeply in love with her. We do things together that my wife is not interested in, etc. I know about NRE but this is insane and I can't stop thinking about us being together. I still love my wife very much. The prospect of all this is amazing but now I'm in hell because I can't see this going forward without both of them. If BFF says we can't continue I can't see staying in the same house together. They have a secure relationship that has surpassed the solidity of our marriage. Being here, wanting BFF and seeing them have a fulfilled, loving relationship is something I don't think I can do. But putting that pressure on all of us seems unfair.
Some part of me just wants to leave, wants this to end, because it is so painful to be in fear of it all collapsing. Neither one of them want that. Wife says she still loves me very much and doesn't want me out of her life. BFF says she wants nothing more than a "family" with all of us. I am stuck in hell right now because I am not a person who deals with things being unresolved. I want it fixed, today! That in itself is selfish after being a total, disconnected idiot for so long. I realize I can't have that and the insecurity is causing huge problems. I just got to a point where I couldn't carry all of it, being closed off, putting up walls, done with all of it. Letting all that go, coupled with this complicated menagerie feels like just too much. How do I relax and just let things happen as they will when it's just so not me? Feeling scared and helpless, but also realizing I'm the cause.
Also now in therapy for ADD at 60, lol. Trying to be this work in progress but there is so much going on and it all hinges (not the hinge, that is BFF) on me.
Thanks for reading if you got this far! All help and advise is greatly appreciated.