Love advice

K

kwidener7803

New member
Hello all,
I need advice. I have been in a relationship for 8 years with my partner. We have never had a good sex life and "cheating" has never been an option. I do not want to have an "open" type relationship, but have fallen for a very close friend. I have had conversations with them both (separately) about a triad situation. Of course my current partner does not know of whom I am considering. He tends to be more "closed minded" but he is aware that we have no sex life. I have not started a new sex life with my friend either, but we are both very attracted to each other, as well as current partner. I know I should not try to "force" the situation, but how do I go about expressing my love for them both as well as my desire to share our lives together? We all have even started searching for a new home together, but I am worried that may end poorly. I think we all have something in common and we each bring something to the table that the others can't. Any advice in my situation would be very helpful. Not to confuse things... I am still very attracted and very much in love with my current partner, and ultimately will not risk loosing him. I also am not only interested in a sexual relationship.. there is much more to it...
 
kwidener7803 said:
I do not want to have an "open" type relationship, but have fallen for a very close friend.
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When you say you don't want an "open" type relationship but you have feelings for someone other than your partner and want the three of you to have some kind of relationship together... I take that to mean that you want some kind of closed "V", meaning you would have a romantic relationship with each of them individually but no one dates outside of that agreement?

kwidener7803 said:
We all have even started searching for a new home together, but I am worried that may end poorly.
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Wait, you are talking about three people moving in together, one of your partners doesn't even know who the other person is?

Let me suggest a slightly more measured approach that doesn't involve a secret reveal and signing leases together before you have any idea whether or not this is going to work out.

First: don't keep one partner in the dark, it sets up a power imbalance and can breed resentment
Second: if you intend on dating both men simultaneously I suggest doing so prior to getting encumbered with living arrangements.​

There is a TON of ground to be covered before the idea of moving in together becomes reasonable. Granted, some folks just get a kick out of rolling the dice and seeing what happens but I don't recommend doing that. This could be stressful enough without adding challenges to it that aren't needed.

One thing at a time.
 
You say you don't want to risk loosing your current partner yet this sounds like a very high risk situation! Admittedly I know nothing of your personality or what your partner and close friend are like. This is always a good question to ask; Could the reality distortion field of falling in love be impacting your judgement?
 
Reply

Yes.... We are all new to this idea. We are all very close, my relationship currently is a bit unstable because we have grown apart. This is in no way my way of holding us together. My partner and I have everything together except sexual relationship. We do not enjoy the same activities and I work a lot so he is left feeling lonely. Our mutual friend (and possible love interest) enjoys the things I do not share in common with my current partner. He also enjoys the same things I enjoy. I suppose if I could combine the two of them into one person.... I would forever be happy... Is this just me being selfish? I do love my partner... And my friend. We have not breached the sexual stuff other than the conversation and the flirting... I do not want any of us to be hurt, so I tread lightly, but I am flooded with emotion, excitement, and the thoughts of possibility. My partner understands we are not sexual... And it has never really been a sexual relationship. I mean we do occasionally, but it feels like he is only there (sexually) out of obligation. My partner and I were looking into buying another property and moving. My partner offered for this friend to move in. Not sure how to proceed. I do not want to betray my partner, but he has told me he wouldn't like it if I "cheated" but would understand. That doesn't work for me.. I am not sure of the terminology but what I would consider amazing would be the three of us to share life together every aspect. I do not want friends with benefits or random sexual encounters.
 
Your partner doesn't like the idea of you cheating, but would understand so that suggests there is some kind of acceptance and flexibility there. You don't want to hurt your partner so you need their consent and willingness for your friend to be a love interest. So, it all kind of hinges on which way your partner will go.

What comes to mind as a possible way to help is this: You could work on stabilizing your relationship and improving intimacy with your partner. Keep letting them know they're loved and have as much fun together as you can. At the same time, keep up talking about a triad situation. That way its most likely going to seem less threatening to your partner, since while he's thinking about all this he is also experiencing you as getting closer.

People fear that they will be replaced. You have to do as much as you can to make sure your partner knows they are not being replaced. Doesn't matter what you say, they have to feel it. What you want is to ADD something, not SUBTRACT it.

kwidener7803 said:
I do not want any of us to be hurt, so I tread lightly, but I am flooded with emotion, excitement, and the thoughts of possibility.
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You could use some of that good energy to feed into your relationship with your partner. Again, if they sense its connected to you liking the idea of a triad, they're more likely to associate all that with an improvement in their relationship with you.
 
kwidener7803 said:
Yes.... We are all new to this idea. We are all very close, my relationship currently is a bit unstable because we have grown apart. This is in no way my way of holding us together. My partner and I have everything together except sexual relationship. We do not enjoy the same activities and I work a lot so he is left feeling lonely. Our mutual friend (and possible love interest) enjoys the things I do not share in common with my current partner. He also enjoys the same things I enjoy. I suppose if I could combine the two of them into one person.... I would forever be happy... Is this just me being selfish? I do love my partner... And my friend. We have not breached the sexual stuff other than the conversation and the flirting... I do not want any of us to be hurt, so I tread lightly, but I am flooded with emotion, excitement, and the thoughts of possibility. My partner understands we are not sexual... And it has never really been a sexual relationship. I mean we do occasionally, but it feels like he is only there (sexually) out of obligation. My partner and I were looking into buying another property and moving. My partner offered for this friend to move in. Not sure how to proceed. I do not want to betray my partner, but he has told me he wouldn't like it if I "cheated" but would understand. That doesn't work for me.. I am not sure of the terminology but what I would consider amazing would be the three of us to share life together every aspect. I do not want friends with benefits or random sexual encounters.
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sounds to me like you guys are just incompatible and you guys should break up I don't see the point trying to stay together fix something and then bring another person into it sounds like a bad idea, especially since you work all the time you don't even have time for the relationship you have now what makes you think you're going to have enough time for new partner and the old partner?
 
Hi kwidener,

If you and your partner have a companionate relationship and are happy to keep it the way it currently stands (mostly non-sexual), and your partner is up for you finding that sexual relationship with your friend, this could work out well. The key here is to find out whether this is the case. You've already started to discuss, but specifics need to be brought onto the table now. Please don't go having your friend move into your new house without discussing the idea of the three of you as a V or triad. This would be messy, and I feel it would be hugely unfair on your partner.

If you or your partner are NOT happy with the current state of your relationship, take pause. The likelihood is that your new relationship with your friend will not help your existing relationship. What tends to happen when people add more people to an already cracked foundation is that the cracks become bigger, not smaller. If you actually want to become closer to your partner, and he to you, this takes intimacy. Intimacy means being authentic and sharing your inner worlds. It means getting ugly things like "I want a relationship with my friend" and "this is the reason our sex life is absent" out there. Only then can you work on being closer. Without this intimacy, you grow further apart.

Nothing wrong with sharing interests with one partner that you don't share with another. Nothing even wrong with having a sexless relationship with one partner and only having sexual interaction with another. BUT only if everyone is happy with what they are getting.

If your partner actually does want to be in a sexual and more intimate relationship with you (or someone), it wouldn't be fair to add a new person while these wants go unaddressed.

Bottom line? It's not a good idea to move in until the three of you know what you want from and with each other. Additionally, not a good idea to add friend right now if existing relationship needs repair.
 
New reply

All very good advice. My partner is happy with our relationship just wishes he had more of my time. I cannot give that to him, this is one of our issues that would be helped if he had another introvert in his life. You may be right as far as comparability goes, however, we do love each other and have a much deeper connection than just sex, so breaking up would simply make matters bad for both of us, not to mention the heart break it would cause both of us. I would prefer to just continue the way things are than to face a break up. If we could all three benefit from our relationship it would be best.
My thoughts are... Continue what's happening now, the flirting between our friend is to both of us not just me. The friend actually started this on his own. Not having any idea of my toughts on poly... None of us had vocalized it until I started the conversation about a year ago with my partner. I was told that I am an ass... Which I assumed I would get, and for that matters believe to be true. My friend and I discussed at length over the weekend when we had some alone time. I appreciate the info and feedback. My assumption is, like everything else between my partner and I, I will have to press the issue or force the situation... That's the only way he does anything. I mean anything... From dinner to choosing a movie to watch. Having to make all choices is rough. Logistically speaking I am the oldest of all of us at 39. My partner is 28 and our friend is 30. I own 2 companies which keep me very busy, but afford us the life we want financially. No. I am no sugar daddy and I refuse to be... I just enjoy working hard and reaping the rewards. Both of them also work. We all have so much in common and have a lot of fun together... Maybe I am just ahead of myself here, but I see a bright future with these two extraordinary people.
 
New outlook

After all the posts responding to my seemingly self created drama, I have taken a step back. I believe for the sake of my current relationship with my partner as well as the friendship we hold dear with our friend, I should shut it all down. In my head I think I got overly excited about the possibility, and lost focus on what's true and real. I do love them both and do not want to harm either, so I think it's best to stow away my desires and feelings for them. I am a simple man, honest to a flaw. I feel as if I am sneaking around plotting... And even though I know my feelings are out of love, I cannot bring myself to hurt them. I think the best plan of action is... Now that the friend is aware of my feelings, the partner knows our problems, I think I will sit back and let nature take its course... What will be will be.. So to speak. Thank you all for your kind words of wisdom, and for being honest!
 
It's all very well and good to have feelings for more than one person, but poly generally doesn't work well when it's all about YOU. And, frankly, it sounds like you've created this idyllic world that works for you-- but not so much thinking if it works for them. You want to open it, to this one guy, and have both love it and live together with you-- and then immediately close it again. After all, you have what you want. Awesome. But what if they want to be with other men/women? What if one wants to date, casually, but not bring just one or two...or three...other women into the fold? What if both want to be with you, but won't do so if you all three live together?

Are you willing to consider THEIR needs, as well? If so, they are much more likely to support yours.
 
Maybe you are right

It may be just me being selfish, but I can and have justified my greed. I love my partner, and would not hurt him, however, is it actually selfish for me to consider sex part of our relationship? He is just simply not a sexual person... He has never been and it's been the root of our problems since the beginning. We share the same goals and are very comparable in most ways, but I am not into video games and sports where the other two are. I am normally very social and spend a great deal of time networking at various events (job functions). Where the other two are very introverted. They are perfect for each other on a different level completely. I cannot give those things. The friend is able to fulfill where my partner and I are lacking from both ends... No pun intended. However, you are correct... I have assumed they would not open it outside of the three. It's not fare for me to expect them not to, but I am not sure how to cope except rationally. "What's good for the goose.... " I am certain my partner would not want to date outside, but the friend may... I suppose this is where I would lack. I know my thought process is very calculating, so I will assess the situation and see what may come. As for now... The seeds have been planted, the desire is there... I will not pursue any further, or initialize anything further... Thank you all so much. I love this forum!
 
It sounds like you are hoping for a triad of some kind. It sounds like a lovely idea and I hope it eventually comes together for you.
 
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