Love and Polyamory

[karra41]

My husband met a woman and told me about it. She wants to date both of us. We have all been on dates together and separately, and she says she loves us both. My husband had recently expressed that he loves her, as well. I am having a hard time sharing the sentiment.

I have struggled a lot with polyamory lately. I have been poly for a long time, and my husband and I have dated others together, I have never dated separately from him. This is the first time someone had expressed the want to date each of us individually as well as together.

My husband and I have been together for almost 20 years (this November). I don't know if it's age, or if I'm afraid of getting hurt, or if it's because the 'love' word had never been used in our previous poly relationships (mainly because it never got that far), but I feel sick when he says he loves this woman and she loves him (and me).

I am wondering why I am feeling this way?
Why is it so hard for me to love someone other than my husband?
Why does it kind of hurt that he actually loves another?

I have been wracking my brain and sitting with feelings, as well as trying to process them. He and I talk about it together and he is supportive. He never reacts badly to any weird feelings I catch, and we always work it out. But for some reason these particular feelings are becoming a struggle. I have never experienced jealousy before now. Is this what it feels like?

If anyone else is going through this, or have had similar situations, I would love to hear your insight on it. I am not sure this makes sense to anyone, so if you need clarity on any part, please feel free to ask. Thanks in advance.

 

[Magdlyn]

My husband met a woman and told me about it. She wants to date both of us. We have all been on dates together and separately, and she says she loves us both. My husband had recently expressed that he loves her, as well. I am having a hard time sharing the sentiment.

If you're not sharing in the love fest, that's okay. You are allowed full expression of your feelings. Don't think you have to fake love, or even like, if it's not coming from your heart. You and your husband are individual persons.

I have struggled a lot with polyamory lately. I have been poly for a long time, and my husband and I have dated others together, I have never dated separately from him. This is the first time someone had expressed the want to date each of us individually as well as together.

My husband and I have been together for almost 20 years (this November). I don't know if it's age, or if I'm afraid of getting hurt, or if it's because the 'love' word had never been used in our previous poly relationships (mainly because it never got that far), but I feel sick when he says he loves this woman and she loves him (and me).

So how long have you been open or "polyamorous"? Had you been mostly doing threeway sex, on a more casual basis, and none of the three ever actually loved each other? If your husband loves this woman and vice versa, you might think of this as your first actual polyamorous experience.

You seem to feel anxious, jealous, as you say, "sick" that your husband loves another. Of course, loving multiple people is what polyamory is all about. Most poly couples actually learn to date separately, since feelings for any new SOs will vary. For example:

If you and husband (call him Brett) both love the same person (call her Iris), and vice versa, it's a triad.
If Brett loves Iris, but you don't love or date or have sex with her, it's a V. This is the most common form of polyamory.
If you like Iris as a friend and want to hang out sometimes (as a V), eat meals, do activities (not have sex), you might call it kitchen table poly.
If you and Iris don't particularly get along, you can be polite, but only see her for special occasions, it's called garden party poly.
If you'd rather not hang out with Iris at all, it's called parallel poly.

I am wondering why I am feeling this way. Why is it so hard for me to love someone other than my husband?

I'm not sure how long you two have been looking for partners, dating others. Are you just wanting to date other women? Are you interested in other men? Sometimes it takes a while for the right person to come along. You can date others, and have sex casually, if you like that, but be prepared to be patient in finding "true love." Some people "fall in love," or become infatuated easily, and for others, it takes much longer, even years, to find someone with whom there is that big spark. Even then, the spark might fade after NRE ends. But if you're lucky, you are long-term compatible and it's the real deal.

You can see our glossary for these terms and many others.

https://polyamory.com/threads/glossary-and-definitions.1720/

Why does it kind of hurt that he actually loves another?

It's different! New things, new changes, take time to adapt to. If you need reassurance, ask for it. If you want to limit his time dating her and texting her, until you are more comfortable, ask for that.

If she "loves" you (is infatuated), and you don't return it, you can thank her, but be honest. You either love someone or you don't. You can't force it. You are not required to date the same person your husband is drawn to. Ask him for quality time devoted to the two of you. Ask yourself what your needs and desires are, and share those with him.

Insisting on only "playing together" is more of a swinger concept.

I have been wracking my brain and sitting with feelings, as well as trying to process them. He and I talk about it together and he is supportive. He never reacts badly to any weird feelings I catch, and we always work it out. But for some reason these particular feelings are becoming a struggle. I have never experienced jealousy before now. Is this what it feels like?

Jealousy is usually based on a feeling or fear of loss. If your husband has never loved before, it's going to take some getting used to. Time will pass and it will help. Keep choosing to date each other, mindfully.

If anyone else is going through this, or have had similar situations, I would love to hear your insight on it. I am not sure this makes sense to anyone, so if you need clarity on any part, please feel free to ask. Thanks in advance.

 

[karra41]

Thank you for your reply and insight. You have given me a lot to think about and process. I appreciate this.

To answer your question on how long we have been open, it really has been off and on throughout our relationship. We have had casual play with close friends, mainly other women.

I am bisexual, but for some reason I feel uncomfortable around other men. That may seem weird, and it is my hang up, but I am still working on figuring that part out. My husband has encouraged me to date other men too, but I don't really want to.

There has been a 3-year gap since the last time we met another person. She wasn't interested in dating me, only my husband, which worked out fine, as I had some health issues I was working through, so I was focusing on myself and getting better. This new woman feels different. Like, when we are around each other I am happy, and I miss hanging around her when we are apart, but I don't equate that as the same love that she feels towards us. Like I feel the same about my closest friends. Different kind of love, maybe?

Anyways, thank you so much. And I hope I answered your question. I kind of babbled on. lol.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello karra41,

Sometimes people have a rule/boundary that the word "love" will never be used in a polyamorous arrangement. This is especially true with swinging, where emotional involvement is generally discouraged. The sex is just for having some fun. You may be more of this mindset, whereas your husband is moving into deeper territory. You are probably feeling all kinds of fear. If he loves her, where does that leave you? I also see that you are uncomfortable with dating this woman one-on-one. I don't know whether these uncomfortable feelings are going to fade. If not, you may have run into some incompatibility.

With sympathy,
Kevin T.

 

[Magdlyn]

Thank you for your reply and insight. You have given me a lot to think about and process. I appreciate this.

I'm glad it helped.

To answer your question on how long we have been open, it really has been off and on throughout our relationship. We have had casual play with close friends, mainly other women.

So, I would call this an open relationship, not polyamory, up until this point. It's a whole new world now. No wonder you're uncomfortable.

I am bisexual, but for some reason I feel uncomfortable around other men. That may seem weird, and it is my hang up, but I am still working on figuring that part out. My husband has encouraged me to date other men too, but I don't really want to.

Hey, that's fine. If your husband ("Brett") is "enough man" for you, he just is! If you're more curious about dating or loving women, because you want to explore that side of yourself, that's your right!

There has been a 3-year gap since the last time we met another person. She wasn't interested in dating me, only my husband, which worked out fine, as I had some health issues I was working through, so I was focusing on myself and getting better.

"Brett" dated that woman three years ago, so you two have had some experience with dating separately. Good to know. I am hearing that was a more casual relationship, and Brett and that woman didn't fall in love. How long did that relationship last?

This new woman feels different. Like, when we are around each other I am happy, and I miss hanging around her when we are apart, but I don't equate that as the same love that she feels towards us. Like I feel the same about my closest friends. Different kind of love, maybe?

Well, sure. We can love our platonic friends, and most of us do. It's not romantic love, including a desire for deep intimacy and usually sex. If you like "Iris" very much as a friend, this could work as kitchen-table polyamory, that is, if she's okay with you not returning her romantic/sexual feelings. Have you had threesome or one-on-one sex with her? If you two already have had sex, it could be awkward for you and perhaps painful for her, if you reject that kind of relationship. Hopefully you can work things out, remain friends, while Iris and Brett's relationship possibly deepens, and you go on to be open to relationships with other women (with the romantic love and/or sexual aspect included).

Anyways, thank you so much. And I hope I answered your question. I kind of babbled on. lol.

It's always helpful to get more details!

Feel free to check out the other info in Golden Nuggets-- books, articles, a podcast, and former archived threads on many topics. You can also search terms to find where your issues were covered in other threads.

 

[karra41]

I'm glad it helped.

So, I would call this an open relationship, not polyamory, up until this point. It's a whole new world now. No wonder you're uncomfortable.

Hey, that's fine. If your husband ("Brett") is "enough man" for you, he just is! If you're more curious about dating or loving women, because you want to explore that side of yourself, that's your right!


"Brett" dated that woman three years ago, so you two have had some experience with dating separately. Good to know. I am hearing that was a more casual relationship, and Brett and that woman didn't fall in love. How long did that relationship last?

Well, sure. We can love our platonic friends, and most of us do. It's not romantic love, including a desire for deep intimacy and usually sex. If you like "Iris" very much as a friend, this could work as kitchen-table polyamory, that is, if she's okay with you not returning her romantic/sexual feelings. Have you had threesome or one-on-one sex with her? If you two already have had sex, it could be awkward for you and perhaps painful for her, if you reject that kind of relationship. Hopefully you can work things out, remain friends, while Iris and Brett's relationship possibly deepens, and you go on to be open to relationships with other women (with the romantic love and/or sexual aspect included).

It's always helpful to get more details!

Feel free to check out the other info in Golden Nuggets-- books, articles, a podcast, and former archived threads on many topics. You can also search terms to find where your issues were covered in other threads.

My husband and the woman from 3 years ago had a relationship based mainly on kink and going to events together. She wanted someone to play around with and he was experimenting with his sexuality and his interests. The relationship didn't last long. 6 months maybe. She had some issues with not being able to mesh schedules so she went her own way. We are also parents, so she isn't fond of children and the damper they can put on scheduling. Then he and I focused on dating each other and connecting more after I was finally healed and doing better health wise.

Yes, my husband and I both have had sex with "Iris". I think if I give this more time my feelings might change, but I will be honest with her and communicate my feelings about it all to her in the mean time. I am sure we can work it out. She is very supportive and understanding. We do enjoy each other's company.

Thank you again for talking through things with me and giving insight.

 

[Magdlyn]

My husband and the woman from 3 years ago had a relationship based mainly on kink and going to events together. She wanted someone to play around with and he was experimenting with his sexuality and his interests. The relationship didn't last long. 6 months maybe. She had some issues with not being able to mesh schedules so she went her own way. We are also parents, so she isn't fond of children and the damper they can put on scheduling.

Okay, not polyamory. Just basically NSA kink-based relationship, of brief duration.

I am glad you are better now from your health challenge. It was wise of you both to take a break and focus on each other and the kids at that time.

Then he and I focused on dating each other and connecting more after I was finally healed and doing better health-wise.

Yes, my husband and I both have had sex with "Iris". I think if I give this more time my feelings might change.

I'm not sure why you think that. You mean, you will stop having sex with her now, and then maybe later, you will somehow "fall in love" romantically, and desire her body too? I mean, I guess that happens sometimes... Me, I generally know when a woman/person is either unappealing to me across the board; or I just want to be friends with them; or when I think they're hot, but I don't want to have sex with them; or I think they're hot and I do want to have sex with them, pretty much right away after one meeting/date, two at most.

Maybe you hope your feelings will change, so you and "Brett" can do the threeway dating/sex thing you think you "should" be doing in polyamory. Many newbies think two members of a couple dating one person will ward off jealousy, but actually, it can make things worse than dating separately. You just can't force a triad. That's a recipe for disaster. (I'm not saying you're forcing one. I am just guessing at why you seem to be hoping for one.)

but I will be honest with her and communicate my feelings about it all to her in the meantime. I am sure we can work it out. She is very supportive and understanding. We do enjoy each other's company.

Thank you again for talking through things with me and giving insight.