Lover took a primary without dicussing with me

C

Crowmaiden

New member
I've had a lover for about 2 and a half years now. We live about 4 hours apart, so time and resources are a bit limited, but we see each other at least once a month, sometimes more. During part of this time, he was in process with through a separation/divorce from his wife, and I was his only lover. I backed off for a few months because things were getting "complicated" and he wasn't being forthcoming with me about some things, but we picked back up once the separation was absolute and finalized.

During this time he said he was recovering, and wasn't ready to date yet, but at one point would be. A few months back he told me he was redefining how he wanted his life to look, which included polyamory. I knew he was seeing two other people, and we all knew about each other, but I was led to believe these were fairly casual encounters. He even told me at one point he was spending a lot of time with a local friend who was also going through a divorce and they were "just going through it together." but it "wasn't like that" when I inquired abut the emotional connection between them. While he wanted a relationship with me, the distance was a issue, and he wasn't sure he could give me what I needed emotionally (he's extremely emotionally, shall we say, taciturn).

Obviously feelings changed because he just called to cancel our upcoming weekend together, saying that he and this other woman decided to date and close the relationship for a few months while they try it out and solidify. He said he told her he was not going to close the relationship permanently, because he wanted me as his secondary (thanks for telling me), and they agreed on a timeframe of about 2 months, and if that didn't happen, he'd be out of the relationship.

While I'm not new to open relationships and spent most of my dating life having several lovers, I have gone a lot of it alone and am fairly new to the poly community, and this shade of polyamory and this just doesn't seem right to me. I'm coming on this forum for a reality check.
I feel blindsided by this, I feel he should have given me more of a heads up about how close he was getting with this person and how this could affect us. I feel he should have been way more open with me where that relationship was progressing, and his plans on where I was going to fit in his life.
We have yet to talk about my bill of rights and boundaries and how this relationship would affect us, and what it means to be his secondary, although that's my plan, if I decide to continue with this - right now I'm just hurt and angry and can't really think straight.
It's also been several days since he told me and not once has he checked in to see how I am doing. I realize it's the holidays, but FFS, I just feel like he left me hanging out here.
I was just wondering if this sounds at all appropriate or ethical, if what he did is par for the course in poly, or if I should run the other way.
Honestly, common sense tells me he didn't respect or love me by preparing me for this or involving me in the process - he just kind of did it and left me hanging, all of a sudden telling me he is taking on a primary, closing off our dates and relationship temporarily, but he still wants me in a secondary role without even discussing that with me or telling me what that means. But the heart is really stupid and wants what it wants. So again, coming here for a reality check. Is this kind of behaviour ok in polyamory? Is this how this goes? Or is he being a shitcan?
 
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As I understand it, he made a major life decision with you, informed you of the decision (did not consult you), soft-broke-up with you, and now expects you to just hang around waiting for him to decide whether to have a relationship with you again. That is simply not how you treat someone you care about. Basically, he's being a shitcan.

I think you should run the other way. If I was in your situation, I would just tell him that I'm ending the relationship. He's not communicating openly and honestly with you. Do you really want to stay with someone that doesn't consider your feelings when his decisions affect your relationship? It will hurt to end the relationship with him, but I think you'll just keep getting hurt if you stay.
 
Crowmaiden said:
Honestly, common sense tells me he didn't respect or love me by preparing me for this or involving me in the process - he just kind of did it and left me hanging, all of a sudden telling me he is taking on a primary, closing off our dates and relationship temporarily, but he still wants me in a secondary role without even discussing that with me or telling me what that means. But the heart is really stupid and wants what it wants. So again, coming here for a reality check. Is this kind of behaviour ok in polyamory? Is this how this goes? Or is he being a shitcan?
Click to expand...

That's how it looks to me. How close are you? How often do you talk and share?

I could confirm your thoughts that he's being a "shitcan" but you know what? It wouldn't matter. If he wants to cut you out, even for a few months, then it's time to dust yourself off and move on.
 
AJM said:
If he wants to cut you out, even for a few months, then it's time to dust yourself off and move on.
Click to expand...

Crowmaiden I agree with this.

I believe you are one of his options not a meaningful relationship.
 
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I agree with others have said here. You're an option, and he is keeping you on the string.
 
I disagree with the opinion that his behavior has been shitty. Tons of people have had the experience of having grown closer to a platonic friend without realizing they had deeper feelings for them until it just hits them over the head one day that they could have a romantic relationship, too.

To me, he kept you apprised of what was going on in his life as it happened. Told you he was taking a break to deal with divorce, told you he was dating again, told you he was spending a lot of time with someone who understands what he'd been going through, then told you the kind of commitment he was choosing to have with this person... what's the problem? Was he supposed to provide you with a daily report of his feelings for her, when you are someone he sees only once a month? And for whom the physical distance between you has been a challenge? How much warning would have been enough? "Monday: she looked at me in a certain way that was different from before. Tuesday: we're clicking, our rapport is great. Wednesday: I imagined kissing her..." and so on. Gah, how oppressive to be expected to report in with every feeling well ahead of making a decision. I'd feel like you were my boss and not a long-distance one-a-month lover. What does he owe you, after all? It seems to me he's probably been as honest with you as he has been with himself, as things developed.

And keep in mind that a divorce can be quite a traumatic upheaval, even when it's what one wants, and it can be a really confusing and/or depressing time (I speak from experience). The trauma and grieving for the end of a marriage and all the expectations about how it would last, and so on, can affect someone deeply, and for a long time. It can be quite difficult to know how to sort out one's feelings while grieving.

Sure, he could've used better language than to say he wants you to be his seccondary (those words should never be spoken to someone's face, IMHO), but essentially he is telling you that he values having you in his life, even though at this point he feels he needs to focus on developing this new relationship. Of course, it's up to you whether you want to stick around but, in my view, I'd cut him some slack not only because of what he's going through (divorce), but I don't think he did anything terribly wrong or unethical.

He isn't the cause of your upset. Your specific thoughts about what he did and how he handled things are what is upsetting you. You are taking offense, which means it's something you are letting offend you, but this means that you can also turn it around and choose compassion, empathy, and forgiveness.
 
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Hi Crowmaiden,

I don't believe that poly has any rules one way or another about how to conduct things, other than giving knowledge and getting consent. The main thing your lover did wrong was to communicate poorly. He should have told you more about what was going on. I don't know if he was trying to avoid talking to you, or if he's just not good at communicating.

Given how far away he lives, I guess I would be inclined to not invest too much in this relationship if I were you. You can agree to his "secondary" arrangement for you if you want, but don't do it if you don't feel like it. In the meantime, while you're waiting, don't hesitate to date other people if you can and want to. He's not making you a priority so, no need to make him a priority.

Those are my initial thoughts anyway.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
It appears to me that he *might* have been dishonest by telling you "it's not like that" when you asked about his emotional connection with this other woman. On the other hand, at the time that you asked, that might have been a truthful answer. People's thoughts and feelings change sometimes. (Or their willingness to admit the truth about them even to themselves changes sometimes...)

He *could* have kept you better informed of his developing feelings for this woman. I wouldn't say "should" unless you and he had a stated agreement that he would do so. He *could* have told you he was viewing you as more of a secondary... but on the other hand, you say he told you that the distance was an issue for him and he wasn't sure he could give you what you wanted, which could be seen as him telling you there was no chance of you being his primary.

Those things said... You *feel* disrespected. Feelings are always valid and okay; it's how you handle them that matters. You feel hurt and angry. Both also okay.

No, this isn't "par for the course" in polyamory. In an ideal world, in polyamory, all partners keep each other informed of things that impact them. Not details, but the necessary information. For example, I didn't give Hubby details of the positions and so forth the first time Woody and I had sex, but I told Hubby it had happened. Woody doesn't give me details of all of his online conversations with other women, but if one appears to be leading to him meeting up with one of those women, he's promised to tell me. Etc.

But that's ideal. In the real world, sometimes communication doesn't happen, or one person thinks communication has occurred while the other didn't hear what the first thought they said. (Woody insists he told me at our first meeting that he and Highlight were involved; I only recall him telling me about Stella and that he was *talking to* another woman he was interested in.) Sometimes people make decisions for themselves and don't stop to consider the impact those decisions might have on others.

I don't think he's being a shitcan. I do think that you find his behavior hurtful, and that makes you angry. So whatever decision you make should be based on *your* feelings and reactions, in my opinion. Don't base it on whether he's being a shitcan; base it on whether you'll accept this type of behavior from him now, whether you're willing to "hang on the line" until he sees where things are going with this other woman, and whether you believe this will be an ongoing problem with him.
 
Wow, look at me being all rational and shit... you guys, remind me of that post next time I go off on a rant about Hubby or Woody being a shitcan to me, will ya?
 
Hi Crowmaiden,

I can understand both sides of the coin here. You would have liked more preparation and inclusion in this, and you feel that you are left hanging. You have described your lover as emotionally taciturn, suggesting that - on his side - this is about as communicative as he can be.

For what it's worth, I'd likely feel as upset as you do in this situation. I also don't feel that he is being a shitcan.

I honestly find that the best way to let go of upset in any relationship situation is to turn the situation around and examine the parts that we have played in the situation. For instance, could it be that you have allowed yourself to hang on, therefore you feel like you are left hanging? Could it be that you may have invested more in the relationship than he has invested? Perhaps you may have heard the snippets you wanted to hear rather than looking at the bigger picture of his communication (or lack thereof)?

I'm not suggesting you look at these things to turn your anger towards yourself. What I'm suggesting is that if you can pinpoint a few of these things, you can take control of your own situation. This will give you a better sense of perspective when dealing with the current situation: to be or not to be his secondary.

On his end, it seems that he's communicated everything, but perhaps he has lacked compassion in his approach? Certainly cancelling your weekend together at the last minute and coupling this with a 'by the way' blow of 'you will now be my secondary in X months' wasn't the best way to go about it.

My guess is that you would have responded better if your lover had delivered this information whilst asking you how YOU felt about it. I'd want that from any partner too, even if they were casual. I'd want some kind of empathetic acknowledgement to be made. Perhaps this is something to look at, and perhaps it might lead you down a different path in terms of what kind of partner(s) you want in your life. Given that he hasn't checked on you, it suggests that he either finds you inconsequential, thinks you wouldn't be bothered, or simply isn't great at showing compassion. Only he knows which one, and the only way for you to understand the reason is to ask him about it.

Where I'd go from here is to be honest and open with him. If this is what you're feeling, tell him that you didn't find his delivery very compassionate and that this is leaving you with concerns about whether you feel the same way about each other. Tell him that you aren't sure yet that you want to hang around, and/or that you feel he wants you to just remain hanging for whenever he wants to pick you up. Whatever it is that you feel, express it to him?

I'd really like to hear how it goes. Good luck!
 
Thanks all for your compassion and advice. I'm going to seriously take it all under advisement and give myself a few days to think this over and see where I am comfortable.

A few clarifications and answering a few questions.

No, he absolutely is not a good communicator. Perhaps he did the best he could.

@nycindie, I was the one who ended it temporarily while he was going through separation because I learned he was at one point attempting to reconcile and hadn't told me...for like, over a month, and I don't do that. We had a talk about honesty and disclosure and I decided to give him another chance when he was truly and clearly for really real separated months later.

I was his only lover for years, I felt prioritized even with the distance, and right now, I absolutely feel demoted and I'm really struggling with that. It isn't in my temperament where I can play second to anyone, it makes me feel panicky and upset and angry. I'm already not feeling good about having my time with this guy determined and guided by a third party. I'm really awesome and and open and supportive with sharing as long as I'm the primary - but I've never been in this position before and I'm really chafing under the idea. At the end of the day, all the end advice is dead on. I need to figure out what I'm comfortable with, have a talk and define the rules with him if I stay, move on if I don't. It just hurts something awful right now, as I am more than a little in love with him and this truly blindsided me.
Thanks again, I'll keep those updated who have asked.
 
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Hi Crowmaiden,

I'm sorry you're feeling hurt, I can relate. About a month ago my non-primary partner suddenly found a girlfriend, for the first time in our relationship, and he immediately canceled a date to be with her. It hurt like a b*tch, let me tell you.
We are now in this "hanging in there" situation, their relationship is now closed while exploring what his new primary is open to and building the foundation of their relationship. Meanwhile, I feel like a coat he just hung in the closet, not knowing if he'll want or be able to come back to our relationship. Actually I've thought several times since then that it would be easier for me to just end things, cause the waiting (and feeling that you are no longer a priority, he also calls and texts waaaay less) can be frustrating.

Now that I read your story, I can see that it's also the way in which it is communicated, a summary of facts delivered to you ("you are now my secondary", "relationship is closed for now") rather than a conversation ("how do you feel about this?", "what are your ideas about how to handle this?") he's having with you, that has an influence on how you react to this news.

I wish you lots of calm and peace in your heart and mind, so you can get a clear picture of what YOU want in the future, and if he's in that future, what role you see for you two. That will make it easier to communicate next time you can talk to him. All the best!

x
 
I think some of the key words in this were found in the opening post.:"(he's extremely emotionally, shall we say, taciturn)."

I have no idea if this taciturn-ness is an enduring character trait or otherwise, but if it is, well, the two of you may not be much compatible anyway. I think you want to be with someone who is more communicative, generally.

I don't know what the case is with you Crowmaiden, but sometimes people are "unconciously" attracted to people who mirror or echo either neglect or abuse we experienced in our family homes. It's called "repetition compulsion". https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Repetition_compulsion

Another, related phenomenon is that sometimes we "unconsciously" (or consciously) feel that we don't deserve to have the kind of intimacy we long for, and so settle for much less that what we really want.

It may be worth exploring whether any of this is happening with you. I have no idea if it is, of course. But it's worth exploring.

(I'm generally not a fan of Freud or his psychology, but I've definitely witnessed something like repetition compulsion in the relationship patterns of people I have known.)
 
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This is useful to read. I may be one day in the shoes of the secondary, who finds a new lover, and then I will have to restrict my current relationship somewhat :( Not looking forward to it. Thank you for sharing.
 
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