Making up with ignored partner

majormerrick

majormerrick

New member
Over the weekend we had the first major squabble in our family since I moved in. Swift and Corsac started arguing in the kitchen, and Renarde got drawn into the spat. After I intervened and tried to calm them down, I found out that apparently I'm the apple of discord.

Swift can get a bit testy at times. She's the youngest, and also the smallest physically, and that is very much a part of her identity. Now she feels that I've ignored her and that Renarde and Corsac are taking an unfair amount of my attention. For my part, I didn't know that Swift had such strong feelings about me.

So what are good techniques for making it up to her? She specifically mentioned that she doesn't get to lay in my lap like the other girls do, so I'm thinking that more physical affection is part of it. Of course, when I asked her specifically, she wouldn't tell me...:rolleyes:
 
Hi majormerrick,

You guys might want to invest in the book, "The Five Love Languages," by Gary Chapman. This will give you an idea of what kind of things show specific individuals what feels like love to them. If Swift will read that book, and take the test at the end, you will have a better idea of how to make things up to her. It kind of sounds like Physical Touch is her love language. But she would feel better if she knew.

Right now she is all balled up like a fist. You need to approach her gently but persistently, convincing her to open up and relax. The Five Love Languages might help with that process.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
At 20, Swift is still VERY young, probably somewhat immature (at least in comparison to the rest of the group) and may not be able to fully articulate her needs.

While I understand that loving physical touch isn't always the preserve of a romantic/sexual relationship, I'm a little confused as to exactly what kind of relationship you share with Swift, and what she may expect from that relationship given your rather unconventional living situation.

Your signature indicates she is Ares' wife and not in an intimate relationship with you, MajorMerrick. Given that, how were you to know/guess that she needs more time, attention and physical affection from you?

In hindsight, would you say you tend to leave her out of conversation more than the other gfs and wives? Do you not take her input in discussion as seriously? Do you avoid physical displays of affection with her, or not wish to participate in such?

Is it possible she has developed a crush or feelings for you which you were hitherto unaware of... or do you think she may just be envious of the others, or believe you are deliberately slighting her?

If she won't TELL you what she really wants and needs, you can't force her. The only thing you can do is to try and open up the lines of communication a little more, and develop a more trusting, two-way friendship, so that she feels more comfortable coming to YOU directly next time she has an issue.

What is Ares' take on this? Have you asked him?
 
lunabunny said:
At 20, Swift is still VERY young, probably somewhat immature (at least in comparison to the rest of the group) and may not be able to fully articulate her needs.

While I understand that loving physical touch isn't always the preserve of a romantic/sexual relationship, I'm a little confused as to exactly what kind of relationship you share with Swift, and what she may expect from that relationship given your rather unconventional living situation.

Your signature indicates she is Ares' wife and not in an intimate relationship with you, MajorMerrick. Given that, how were you to know/guess that she needs more time, attention and physical affection from you?

In hindsight, would you say you tend to leave her out of conversation more than the other gfs and wives? Do you not take her input in discussion as seriously? Do you avoid physical displays of affection with her, or not wish to participate in such?

Is it possible she has developed a crush or feelings for you which you were hitherto unaware of... or do you think she may just be envious of the others, or believe you are deliberately slighting her?

If she won't TELL you what she really wants and needs, you can't force her. The only thing you can do is to try and open up the lines of communication a little more, and develop a more trusting, two-way friendship, so that she feels more comfortable coming to YOU directly next time she has an issue.

What is Ares' take on this? Have you asked him?
Click to expand...

My relationship with Swift has some history. When Swift’s parents died years ago, a friend of mine adopted her. She was close to my little sister when they were teens, and still maintains a friendship with her. So to me, she’s kind of the “kid” even though she’s a married adult with children of her own. She married Ares almost immediately after she turned 18, and I initially questioned that choice. She actually proposed to him….

As my sister-wife, I care for her and for her children, but our relationship hasn’t been the closest. She’s always been closest with Reina, and somewhat with Corsac since they are closer in age. Swift sometimes wants sex with me, but we’ve never really been “in love.” If she’s developed feelings I can’t reciprocate (yet) but I want her to be satisfied and comfortable.

I know she gets plenty of physical touch (Reina, Renarde, and Corsac are crazy for touch) but I’m thinking its my touch she wants right now. Aside from hugging on her more and making myself more sexually available for her, I’m not sure what I can do.
 
majormerrick said:
Aside from hugging on her more and making myself more sexually available for her, I’m not sure what I can do.
Click to expand...
Make sure to understand if what she wants is sexual availability and partner-status, or mother-like tenderness. Resting on your lap can also mean a need for closeness and comfort, not sex.
I think you should clear up the dynamics. If you view her as a kid, does she view you as a mother or auntie-like figure? Or does she in fact resent that you view her a bit as a kid? Is there any power-dynamics given by the age difference?
You can ask good questions to guide her in telling you.
Also, find your own boundaries. If you don't have to offer sex, if that is not what you're comfortable with.
 
If you've had a fairly fractious relationship with Swift over the years, are not especially close, are not "in love" OR in a relationship with her specifically, and think of her as a kid... then why in the world would you try to accommodate her sexually? :confused:

I realise you have quite an unconventional household, even by poly standards (and I confess to not fully understanding the dynamics at play here), but regardless of good intentions, it is NOT your "job" to make yourself sexually available to anyone who may want a piece of you.

Swift may just have to grow up and realise she doesn't have a right to a physical relationship with whoever she chooses, if that person doesn't especially desire it... regardless of whatever jealousy or insecurity she's feeling.
 
Last edited:
lunabunny said:
I realise you have quite an unconventional household, even by poly standards (and I confess to not fully understanding the dynamics at play here), but regardless of good intentions, it is NOT your "job" to make yourself sexually available to anyone who may want a piece of you.
Click to expand...

Actually, I believe it is my duty to be available to my husband's other wives, just in the way it is my duty to be available to my husband. Even though I feel low energy these days, I refuse to say no. It's part of my beliefs that once in a relationship you share your body with your partners. I think I may have offended Swift by not initiating.

I addressed the issue with Ares last night, and he squeezed Swift inbetween him and me so I could cuddle her close. She responded positively, so I think we're going to do more of that. I'm also going to take her on a date this weekend, since alone time is a rare commodity. I'm trying to figure out if her primary need is to spend more time with me, or get more physical affection from me, or a bit of both.

The power dynamics are still in question. Normally, Reina would hold a lot of influence as the first wife, but she tends to be a bit passive. Since Ares and I have a long history, it makes my position as the newest wife much stronger than it would normally be. Since Swift is young, I think this threatens her a bit, although she has been absolutely accepting of me.
 
majormerrick said:
Actually, I believe it is my duty to be available to my husband's other wives, just in the way it is my duty to be available to my husband. Even though I feel low energy these days, I refuse to say no. It's part of my beliefs that once in a relationship you share your body with your partners. I think I may have offended Swift by not initiating.
Click to expand...
As you please. My alarm goes off with 'sex is no longer a DUTY' and, even if I disregard that, with 'You'll burn out real quick' (at least I would), but people are not all like me.
 
FWIW, "sex as a duty" has long been a core tenet of Monogamism. The wife was expected to "put out" at her husband's whim, or risk being divorced for "frigidity." (Much more rarely, a husband might be divorced for "impotence.")

Maybe I'm in the minority here, but talking myself into grudgingly "sexing someone up" out of a sense of obligation, rather than desire, seems to be stretching the definition of "love" a bit far, perhaps closer to "self-martyrdom."
 
majormerrick said:
Actually, I believe it is my duty to be available to my husband's other wives, just in the way it is my duty to be available to my husband. Even though I feel low energy these days, I refuse to say no. It's part of my beliefs that once in a relationship you share your body with your partners. I think I may have offended Swift by not initiating.
Click to expand...

I was confused because in your OP title, you call Swift a "partner", yet in your signature, you do not label her as such. There, she is "Ares' wife #2. So I guess I assumed she was more of a metamour/part of the greater polycule/household rather than YOUR partner or girlfriend specifically.

Moreover, in a previous post, you also indicated you do not feel especially "romantic" or attracted in that way towards her. In both the above cases, I would not think you have any obligation to date or get physical with this person.

Obviously you think differently. Nobody can tell you what to believe, or what is right or wrong for you or your group. However, by refusing to say no, and considering share-sex a "duty" to ALL within your household, it is my belief that you're setting yourself up for major burn-out and over extending yourself.
 
MajorM, I'm sorry, but I'm just wondering what you are going to tell the child you are pregnant with now when he or she gets older. Are you going to tell him/her that they have an OBLIGATION for sexual activity in a relationship, even if they don't want to?

I really just don't understand.

Also, is it only the women who have this duty, or is Ares also obligated to have sex even if he doesn't want to?

I know I'm coming across as judgy, but I just don't understand this. This is exactly what women have been fighting against for untold years.
 
I agree with the others. Also, I question where you are getting your ideas of "normal" behavior in a household of sister wives and one male, and many children.

You say it's not "normal" for you to have more power, as a wife #3, and not "normal" for wife #1 to have less.

Are you a member of a certain kind of polygyny group/cult/sect which sets these ideas about wife power, according to the longevity of your relationship with the shared male? Does this group (if there is one) also require all sister wives to be involved sexually?

Why do you find it personally healthy to extend yourself sexually and very often, to all your sister wives and your husband, when your job right now is to take care of yourself, rest, and be tended to, and grow a healthy baby?

I always thought a benefit of antique polygyny or modern polyamory was that, if a woman was feeling ill, or pregnant and tired and uncomfortable, or menstruating, bloated, crampy, bloody, irritable, her partners could satisfy themselves socially and sexually, with their other partners, so the ill or pregnant or menstruating wife could rest and nourish herself and do other self care, or indeed have her kids cared for, and meals provided!
 
I imagine there are different shades to the word duty (or obligation) - and I certainly hope Majormerrick is taking this as a "happy" kind of duty, kind of like a hostess that decides to care well for her guests and calls it a duty although there are no real repercussions for letting the guest be a little more self-sufficient, or like the "duty" of a submissive to be sexually available that allows the game to continue. I also imagine there is a point where she would say "enough". There are shades to everything. So I hope all is well.

Majormerrick, watch out, exposing yourself to the ideas we on this forum have about personal freedom could well make you incompatible with your arrangement ;)
 
majormerrick said:
Actually, I believe it is my duty to be available to my husband's other wives, just in the way it is my duty to be available to my husband. Even though I feel low energy these days, I refuse to say no. It's part of my beliefs that once in a relationship you share your body with your partners.
Click to expand...

I'm curious; is this belief part of your religion, or a personal belief of yours?

It's your body, which means it's your choice what you do with it even if that choice seems to others to be something detrimental to you. (I would say pushing yourself to share sex even if you're low energy could be detrimental.) It is a little concerning to some of us on the outside to see that you consider it your responsibility to share your body with any and all partners in a relationship, because, to me at least, it seems like there's only a very tiny step between "It's my duty to share my body so I will even if I don't want to" and someone taking away your choice about whether they get to use your body or not.

(I'm coming at this from the perspective of having been forced into sex many years ago by a partner who believed it was my "job" to sexually satisfy him and wouldn't take no for an answer even when I had a doctor telling me to refrain from sex because of surgical complications. So any "It's my duty to let my relationship partners use my body" type of thinking hits a nerve with me.)

I do know that in some religions, women are taught that their bodies belong to their husbands, not to them, and they have to be "joyfully available" to get fucked whenever their husband feels like it. I believe that can be a damaging viewpoint and takes away a woman's right and ability to protect herself against rape, but that's just my perspective.
 
majormerrick said:
Actually, I believe it is my duty to be available to my husband's other wives, just in the way it is my duty to be available to my husband. Even though I feel low energy these days, I refuse to say no. It's part of my beliefs that once in a relationship you share your body with your partners.
Click to expand...

So there’s a duty to be available for sex, but no duty to respect a preference for not-sex-right now? Or for some time alone? This is a very self-dissolving kind of relationship style. Do all of the members of your household share these values and expectations?

I think I may have offended Swift by not initiating.
Click to expand...

This part I REALLY don’t understand. You’re already feeling touched-out, and yet obligated to engage in physical intimacy when it’s requested, and you think you’ve offended someone by not INITIATING?? I don’t understand the demands you are placing on yourself here, nor (if you are correct about Swift’s offense) those that others are putting on you.


This setup seems (from here) to be lacking in love, kindness, and respect for the individuals involved. Why is someone else’s desire a more compelling force than your own feelings? Are your own needs only important in this household when they make demands of someone else? I hear that it is your “belief” that compels you. I just wonder what values these beliefs promote, and whether autonomy ever figures in.
 
One question that keeps occurring to me, is this: Do you feel only positive feelings about having sex with a partner who doesn’t want to have sex (with you/right now/for any or many reasons), but says yes out of a sense of duty?
 
Wow. The "duty" word really gets people going...

I came to this idea on my own, long before I got back together with Ares. It is a personal belief of mine, that meshes pretty well with my faith and my family. It starts out logically. What do couples (triples, polycules, etc) fight most about? Sex and money are at the top of the list. So, to ensure a happier relationship, it helps if the partners are financially responsible, sexually talented, and willing. I hear so many people complaining about how their partner is either bad in bed, unwilling to have sex, or whatever. I refuse to set myself up for failure in that area.

Obviously, if I've got the flu or something medical or psychological is really wrong, I'm perfectly fine opting out because I've got a good excuse. Other than that, I do it because I enjoy it and also because I love my partners and it is probably the very best way to bond.

Here's where things get counter-culture ;). My belief is a rejection of the "me first" autonomy that is part of modern American culture. It is an acknowledgement that because I live in a group relationship, my needs and wants don't always come first. When I joined my faith, I learned that my faith supported the beliefs I already had. I refer to 1 Corinthians, Chapter 7...

"3. The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. 5 Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control."

In other words, since I am in a relationship, I have agreed that I don't have exclusive 100% say over my body. My husband has the same duty to me. The concept of the relationship we have involves both minor daily sacrifice as well as the radical willingness to make major sacrifice. My husband demonstrated that willingness many years ago when he saved me from a man who was going to rape and murder me. He took a bullet in my place without hesitation. He also later helped me overcome an addiction, and remained my friend for years after our first relationship ended. I owe that kind of loyalty and willingness in return. By extension, I believe that Swift deserves the attention and physical interaction she may need to feel content and cared for - I find it disheartening that I may have done less than my best toward her.

I will admit, I've definitely underestimated how tired pregnancy would make me. I feel more than a bit overextended, but that's my situation as a whole and not any one thing. I suppose I could lessen my load and rely on my partners more, but my reluctance to do so is more due to stubbornness and pride than anything else.... I used to be able to have sex several times a day quite happily, and I dislike my new lower energy level and have yet to adapt to it. I'm envious of how easily Reina and Swift seem to go through pregnancy...so little sickness, discomfort, and plenty of energy. I look and feel like I got smacked by a truck.

If it seems like I'm giving up a lot, I feel that what I get in return is so much greater. There's practical stuff - I work full time...when I have my child this fall, I can continue working if that's what I want to do. I know that loving care is guaranteed, and that's a big job! Dinner is on the table, the house is kept, the laundry is done, and I haven't been asked to tend to any of it. There's emotional support - pregnancy has scared me more than anything in my life. But I live with two girls who've done the mommy thing for a while now...that's immensely reassuring. When I have to see the doctor and I'm freaking out, one or both of them has been there to hold my hand. I don't just get cuddled by one person at night or when I need it, I get cuddled up in a pile. And when I want sex (my drive before pregnancy was pretty high) I know I'll never have to work for it or plead for someone to participate...that need will be taken care of immediately and I will be getting some of the best of my life.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top