Managing polyamory and BPD

[hanbelle89]

As the title suggests, I struggle with BPD in my day to day life.

I am at the beginning of my polyamory journey, and am somewhat tentative at the moment as to how I venture into the world of meeting other people whilst dealing with a condition which I know will affect relationships, both with a primary partner and others.

I know that I am attracted to others. It's why I came out to my partner and he has been encouraging of who I am. However for the sake of my mental health, there has been a joint decision to postpone any conversation about meeting others or even talk about the subject until I am well enough.

I hope that my honesty about this subject will actually encourage others to share their experiences, if they have ever had a partner with my condition, as it is a very complex thing to deal with, that much I understand myself as someone who has it.

This is all I can write at the moment. Thank you for listening.

 

[Magdlyn]

I always get confused if people mean bipolar or borderline personality disorder by BPD. It sounds like you suffer from the latter?

Many poly people struggle with mental illness, just like the general population. All we can do is seek treatment, follow through and work hard to make the right decisions!

 

[hanbelle89]

I always get confused if people mean bipolar or borderline personality disorder by BPD. It sounds like you suffer from the latter?

Many poly people struggle with mental illness, just like the general population. All we can do is seek treatment, follow through and work hard to make the right decisions!

Hi Magdlyn,

I have borderline personality disorder, yes.

It's good to know that I'm not alone in this, but all the same I think until I am out of this particular episode I shouldn't make any decisions on finding any partners until I feel ready.

My partner is an understanding person, which is helpful, but I'm also becoming aware of how accountability and honesty is so important in a poly relationship when it comes to having mental illness. Splitting or jealousy for me is a bit of a worry, and I would hate to make a future partner feel bad for any reason.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

I'll be honest and say that I think some mood and personality disorders can mean that you're not a healthy poly partner. I think sometimes someone's decision to stay with a partner who has a condition that affects them to that extent should consider whether that makes them an unhealthy person to "hinge" given the extra needs of their current partner.

Basically, I think that BPD and other conditions can render a person and their partner a bad fit for poly. I don't think the desire to have multiple partners supersedes whether you're an appropriate person to actually have them.

We have some examples of people on here who have had partners or metamours with BPD or behaviours that very much align with that diagnosis.

 

[hanbelle89]

I'll be honest and say that I think some mood and personality disorders can mean that you're not a healthy poly partner. I think sometimes someone's decision to stay with a partner who has a condition that affects them to that extent should consider whether that makes them an unhealthy person to "hinge" given the extra needs of their current partner.

Basically, I think that BPD and other conditions can render a person and their partner a bad fit for poly. I don't think the desire to have multiple partners supersedes whether you're an appropriate person to actually have them.

We have some examples of people on here who have had partners or metamours with BPD or behaviours that very much align with that diagnosis.

Hi,

Thank you for your insight.

Edit: So I re-read this again, and actually find myself agreeing with what you wrote. Especially the beginning part. It can come across as harsh probably to another person, but actually it's probably what a person like myself would need to hear when considering my journey. Thank you again

 

[DoomyDoom]

Hey!

I started my poly journey about two years ago. Half a year ago I was diagnosed with BPD.

I can't say BPD has made my relationships easier. I struggle with attachment and abandonment issues, but monogamous relationships had their own issues I needed to deal with. So all in all, with therapy and patience from my partners, I am finding a way through it. In some ways, poly even helped with attachment, since I can rely on support from other important people if a relationship goes through rocky times.

You are right, honesty and open communication are the most important things. I learned to communicate my splitting, even if I often still need some highly-emotional time before I can communicate. My partners know how to deal with it.

For me, I Hate You-- Don't Leave Me was a really important book in that regard. It's not specifically for poly, but helped me communicate more effectively with all my partners.

All the best to you!

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Hannah,

BPD is a tricky thing to deal with. I have had to deal with it myself (I have had multiple diagnoses of multiple disorders over the years). The most helpful solution has been Zyprexa, but I have had to try dozens of medications over the years before stumbling on the one that worked for me. In the meantime, I have needed my partners to be super patient and forgiving, and I myself have needed to be committed to taking responsibility for my actions, and to being willing to try meds and counseling and whatever else might help me to do better. Everyone is different, each person's brain-and-body chemistry is unique. You will have to look for the unique solution that works for you.

Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

Hi,

Thank you for your insight.

Edit: So I re-read this again, and actually find myself agreeing with what you wrote. Especially the beginning part. It can come across as harsh probably to another person, but actually it's probably what a person like myself would need to hear when considering my journey. Thank you again

I know it's a difficult conversation. It's one I've had before. Of course ableism and issues around that come in - specifically discrimination against mental health issues and personality disorders.

However, I think the essence of what I said is true across the board; if you have a partner that is dependent on you to the point you end up treating other people badly, then you have to limit how you encourage the expectation of reliability and companionship outside of your relationship.

For example, I feel the same about someone who had a traumatic brain injury that caused personality changes to someone with BPD. Or someone who had a partner with a high physical dependency need that caused a similar level of caregiving.

In previous conversations, I've been asked if I feel the same about someone with a child who has that level of dependency and/or the potential to cause harm due to some level of cognitive or emotional impairment. I do not. Even if said child is an adult. While we make the choice to become a parent (mostly), we can't really make the choice to stop parenting, outside of extreme circumstances. It's not the same as autonomously choosing to partner with another adult and meet that level of need.

Of course being a parent to a child with atypical needs is going to limit your dating pool more than a parent who has a child with typical needs. But we agree to be the caregivers of our children until they can independently care for themselves. Sometimes they can't ever do that. I'm omitting situations where it's best for everyone that a parent isn't the person who fulfils that role.

My point is that we don't have the same expectation to agree to be caregivers to partners in the same way. If you choose to be a caregiver to someone who could harm your other partners (regardless of why that is), then I don't think it's a violation of anyone's rights to say that you shouldn't have other partners while you have the one who could cause harm.

I'm in no way saying everyone with BPD (or any label) has that potential; that's totally individualised to the person in question.

 

[Espoir]

Hey,

I just wanted to say I have a BPD diagnosis too, and although I definitely believe unmanaged BPD is a disaster for poly (or any relationship in general, sadly), I like to think that diagnoses are descriptive and not prescriptive, and that it is completely possible to do the work, identify thought and behavioural patterns, get treatment, etc., and if you're lucky enough to have patient and compassionate people in your life, it can work. But it depends on the person and their situation, I think.

I couldn't do poly years ago, and honestly, I would not date someone who behaved the way I did when I was at my worst, and I don't think anyone is obligated to do so. I am very wary of people who use their diagnoses as get-out-of-jail free cards (be it BPD, ADHD, or whatever) to absolve themselves from bad behaviour. I believe neurodivergence can contextualise said behaviours, but not justify them, and when I mention people being patient and compassionate as a positive thing re: dealing with people with our diagnosis, I don't mean they should be doormats or receptacles for abuse just because we're dealing with mental health issues.

I apologise for rambling a bit, lol.

TL;DR: It can be done, I reckon, once you're stable enough, with lots of hard work and being honest with yourself and others. But def not if you're in full-blown fear of abandonment 24/7 mode, obsessing over your "favourite person," splitting and unable to manage it, etc.

Lots of love and support from a fellow nutcase!

Edit: I just saw this thread is a few weeks old. Sorry! the letters "BPD" call me like a moth to a flame.

 

[Magdlyn]

Hey,

I just wanted to say I have a BPD diagnosis too, and although I definitely believe unmanaged BPD is a disaster for poly (or any relationship in general, sadly), I like to think that diagnoses are descriptive and not prescriptive, and that it is completely possible to do the work, identify thought and behavioural patterns, get treatment, etc., and if you're lucky enough to have patient and compassionate people in your life, it can work. But it depends on the person and their situation, I think.

I couldn't do poly years ago, and honestly, I would not date someone who behaved the way I did when I was at my worst, and I don't think anyone is obligated to do so. I am very wary of people who use their diagnoses as get-out-of-jail free cards (be it BPD, ADHD, or whatever) to absolve themselves from bad behaviour. I believe neurodivergence can contextualise said behaviours, but not justify them, and when I mention people being patient and compassionate as a positive thing re: dealing with people with our diagnosis, I don't mean they should be doormats or receptacles for abuse just because we're dealing with mental health issues.

I apologise for rambling a bit, lol.

TL;DR: It can be done, I reckon, once you're stable enough, with lots of hard work and being honest with yourself and others. But def not if you're in full-blown fear of abandonment 24/7 mode, obsessing over your "favourite person," splitting and unable to manage it, etc.

Lots of love and support from a fellow nutcase!

Edit: I just saw this thread is a few weeks old. Sorry! the letters "BPD" call me like a moth to a flame.

It's no problem you responded to a post from last month, or even a few months ago. It's likely all the original posters are still here. It's when people resurrect threads from literal years ago that it seems kind of pointless.

This was a great response from someone going through it.

 

[Jezzara]

I'll be honest and say that I think some mood and personality disorders can mean that you're not a healthy poly partner. I think sometimes someone's decision to stay with a partner who has a condition that affects them to that extent should consider whether that makes them an unhealthy person to "hinge" given the extra needs of their current partner.

Basically, I think that BPD and other conditions can render a person and their partner a bad fit for poly. I don't think the desire to have multiple partners supersedes whether you're an appropriate person to actually have them.

We have some examples of people on here who have had partners or metamours with BPD or behaviours that very much align with that diagnosis.

As much as I hate admitting it, this is 100% the case with my partner. She's really bad at being a hinge, because she fixates so much on a new partner that she forgets she already has one, and takes me for granted until things come to a head. Then the SH, guilt, fear of abandonment, etc., lead to a mental health crisis and e.o.l attempts.

I've tried setting boundaries, but in the dopamine chase, they get ignored or crossed. And there's always a "reason." It's like the pull of a new exciting thing (in this case, relationships) is too much to resist, at the cost of all others.

 

[LaminarFlow]

This is the case with my partner. She's really bad at being a hinge, because she fixates so much on a new partner that she forgets she already has one/takes me for granted until things come to a head then the SH, guilt, fear of abandonment, etc., lead to a mental health crisis and e.o.l attempts.

I've tried setting boundaries, but in the dopamine chase, they get ignored. It's like the pull of a new exciting thing (in this case, relationships) is too much to resist, at the cost of all others.

Hey Jezzara, I am sorry to hear you're struggling. Would you like to make your own thread so people can help you further? How long have they been dating? Do they have help for their BPD with a therapist who is also poly-friendly? Perhaps with treatment and proper navigating it will slow some down after the NRE (6-24 months).

 

[Jezzara]

Would you like to make your own thread so people can help you further? How long have they been dating? Do they have help for their BPD with a therapist who is also poly-friendly? Perhaps with treatment and proper navigating it will slow some down after the NRE (6-24 months).

Hi. We've been together nearly 4 years. We've done some swinging together and she's had some dates here and there. But this is her 1st new proper relationship since we got together. Her MH was in a bad place when she met him. I think the feels are genuine, but also he came along at the perfect time for her to "escape reality."

As we speak, she's on a psych ward. I think when the NRE wears off it'll be less painful. But it literally took me telling her I couldn't be with her anymore for her to finally hear me. And that shouldn't be the case. I have my own PTSD, and issues of trust, especially around sex. So whilst she's in full-on NRE, she's inadvertently triggering me every time they're together, by how she sidelines me.

 

[Magdlyn]

Hi. We've been together nearly 4 years. We've done some swinging together and she's had some dates here and there. But this is her 1st new proper relationship since we got together. Her MH was in a bad place when she met him. I think the feels are genuine, but also he came along at the perfect time for her to "escape reality."

As we speak, she's on a psych ward. I think when the NRE wears off it'll be less painful. But it literally took me telling her I couldn't be with her anymore for her to finally hear me. And that shouldn't be the case. I have my own PTSD, and issues of trust, especially around sex. So whilst she's in full-on NRE, she's inadvertently triggering me every time they're together, by how she sidelines me.

If you told her you can't stay with her, since her MH issues trigger your own, you should carry through with that. Why stay with someone with whom you are so poorly matched?