PrinceGhost26
New member
Who doesn't need that, really? Anyways, hi. I'm Ghost.
Some "quick" backstory for context before I ask my question:
My wife and I were high school sweethearts. At fourteen, I decided what I would do for the next twelve years or so, that I would marry this girl (eventually), go to the military for five years, then attend this arbitrary school. I wanted to be an artist and a welder. Except that my parents were moving me half an hour away to some backwards country small town, with the aim of getting me away from said girl; she was negatively affecting my grades, from their point of view. False view, I just couldn't see the point of school, and I knew the material, could ace every test. It was the homework that screwed me.
Anyways, we move, she and I break up, I vow to come back for her. The relationship continued on a proxy basis, all the way until I entered the military and called for her, reigniting the old flame. I was in a very dark place at this time. I needed her support, really anyone's support, to keep me from the precipice of suicide. We date long-distance for six months, and I let slip to her parents that I considered marrying her. I felt that I needed her company in my life, but I didn't really have a choice to be with her, except to marry her. Long-distance, military stuff. Didn't let myself actually become ready for that commitment, but committed anyway because she got wind of my hypothetical intent. We were nineteen. Through the engagement, I nearly left her a few times: I was never really ready for marriage, but she wanted it so badly, and I needed to not be alone. We weren't quite right for one another, and I knew that, on some subconscious level. This sowed a massive seed of doubt in my heart that hasn't left to this day, but what was the worst that could happen?
Fast forward six years, we have two gorgeous boys. I was honorably discharged from the military, attending the college I said that I would, and we talk about opening our relationship to polyamory. Every six months or so since our wedding, I had come to a place where I was seriously unhappy with our relationship, and try to leave, divorce her. I had mentioned an open relationship a few times, feeling as though there is someone calling for us (really, me) and she felt we were ready. We weren't. She needed someone too, in order to express her own dominant kinks. Not three months later, we both have dated around, and I find THE PERSON. People talk about love at first sight and soulmates, but I had never given the notion any credence. This was love within the first few messages (we met online); a gargantuan boulder hurled through the walls of self defense. Crashing like a tidal wave, we fell for each other; answering the call; twin flames joining in glorious reunion. You can see where this is going, I'm sure.
I want everything to work so badly. I wanted them to meet and instantly recognize kinship. I press for a triad. They try it. Develop deep feelings for one another, but incongruities arise. They break up, an airplane crashing into a mountain. Their hearts shatter. It's irrevocable. Here I have two women that I love tremendously, but for a time, they can't stand one another. One is my wife, and the other, my PERSON. That was eight months ago. Since then, I have broken up with my girlfriend, then got back together. I've returned to the brink of divorce time and again, then resurfaced. Personal growth metrics are at an all-time high, but company morale, an all-time low.
For three nights of the week now, I am permitted see my lover for two hours except Fridays: she can stay the night at our house. It isn't enough. My wife can't handle me being away from the house and the boys more than that; a stay-at-home mom, she needs alone time, too. Gf's presence in her home Fridays, unsettles. I write this, having returned to the brink, and might actually go through with it this time. My heart's connection with hers (my wife) has a fissure on my side, something she can't see or feel. Nor a thing I can easily express with words. She wants to know why. Why has it never felt right? Why did you commit? Why am I not enough?
For me, I wanted to make her happy. Every milestone was made in that hope, regardless of my own trepidation or reluctance. And I nearly left her each time. Not only the wedding, but each pregnancy, before nearly every deployment. That seed of doubt has begun to blossom, its roots rupturing our relationship like an ill-placed tree near sidewalks. I write asking for guidance in this extremely difficult situation I've set myself in.
Is divorce the right thing to do, knowing that I would be happier on the other side, but missing my children who would have a childhood in a broken home (possibly)? (She may also be pregnant now - I'm not happy about it.) Previous bouts of "working it out" resulted merely in the suffocation of my own anxieties, and I have yet to otherwise assuage that old seed of doubt. It comes to a choice every moment, each second. Do I love her? Yes. Will I stay, or leave? Which is better? Can we even mend our relationship? We've tried and succeeded, but only ever for a short time. I can't see a future with her where this doubt evaporates, where the question of commitment doesn't come to a head regularly. Regardless of other relationships, as the past has demonstrated .
I can however, see a future with my girlfriend that is bright and joyous, where the kids could grow, watching a relationship where their dad shows how to love a woman.
Oh, the other thing: I want to buy land. Move out to the country, build a house with room for running boys. Her parents would bankroll this dream, they share it, but at the cost of my unquavering commitment to their daughter. Leaving can never again be an option. The same statement required of me for her hand in marriage. Practical, they need me to cover our portion. But so hard, and forever is a long time. I'd gladly provide finances, regardless the quality of our marriage, but…
So, how do I navigate this? What would you do in my predicament? Are there any nuggets of wisdom stored in the vast internet that could help me come to terms with this decision, one way or the other? Help me forgive myself for valuing duty before love, or vice versa? Life is so short.
Thanks,
Ghost
Some "quick" backstory for context before I ask my question:
My wife and I were high school sweethearts. At fourteen, I decided what I would do for the next twelve years or so, that I would marry this girl (eventually), go to the military for five years, then attend this arbitrary school. I wanted to be an artist and a welder. Except that my parents were moving me half an hour away to some backwards country small town, with the aim of getting me away from said girl; she was negatively affecting my grades, from their point of view. False view, I just couldn't see the point of school, and I knew the material, could ace every test. It was the homework that screwed me.
Anyways, we move, she and I break up, I vow to come back for her. The relationship continued on a proxy basis, all the way until I entered the military and called for her, reigniting the old flame. I was in a very dark place at this time. I needed her support, really anyone's support, to keep me from the precipice of suicide. We date long-distance for six months, and I let slip to her parents that I considered marrying her. I felt that I needed her company in my life, but I didn't really have a choice to be with her, except to marry her. Long-distance, military stuff. Didn't let myself actually become ready for that commitment, but committed anyway because she got wind of my hypothetical intent. We were nineteen. Through the engagement, I nearly left her a few times: I was never really ready for marriage, but she wanted it so badly, and I needed to not be alone. We weren't quite right for one another, and I knew that, on some subconscious level. This sowed a massive seed of doubt in my heart that hasn't left to this day, but what was the worst that could happen?
Fast forward six years, we have two gorgeous boys. I was honorably discharged from the military, attending the college I said that I would, and we talk about opening our relationship to polyamory. Every six months or so since our wedding, I had come to a place where I was seriously unhappy with our relationship, and try to leave, divorce her. I had mentioned an open relationship a few times, feeling as though there is someone calling for us (really, me) and she felt we were ready. We weren't. She needed someone too, in order to express her own dominant kinks. Not three months later, we both have dated around, and I find THE PERSON. People talk about love at first sight and soulmates, but I had never given the notion any credence. This was love within the first few messages (we met online); a gargantuan boulder hurled through the walls of self defense. Crashing like a tidal wave, we fell for each other; answering the call; twin flames joining in glorious reunion. You can see where this is going, I'm sure.
I want everything to work so badly. I wanted them to meet and instantly recognize kinship. I press for a triad. They try it. Develop deep feelings for one another, but incongruities arise. They break up, an airplane crashing into a mountain. Their hearts shatter. It's irrevocable. Here I have two women that I love tremendously, but for a time, they can't stand one another. One is my wife, and the other, my PERSON. That was eight months ago. Since then, I have broken up with my girlfriend, then got back together. I've returned to the brink of divorce time and again, then resurfaced. Personal growth metrics are at an all-time high, but company morale, an all-time low.
For three nights of the week now, I am permitted see my lover for two hours except Fridays: she can stay the night at our house. It isn't enough. My wife can't handle me being away from the house and the boys more than that; a stay-at-home mom, she needs alone time, too. Gf's presence in her home Fridays, unsettles. I write this, having returned to the brink, and might actually go through with it this time. My heart's connection with hers (my wife) has a fissure on my side, something she can't see or feel. Nor a thing I can easily express with words. She wants to know why. Why has it never felt right? Why did you commit? Why am I not enough?
For me, I wanted to make her happy. Every milestone was made in that hope, regardless of my own trepidation or reluctance. And I nearly left her each time. Not only the wedding, but each pregnancy, before nearly every deployment. That seed of doubt has begun to blossom, its roots rupturing our relationship like an ill-placed tree near sidewalks. I write asking for guidance in this extremely difficult situation I've set myself in.
Is divorce the right thing to do, knowing that I would be happier on the other side, but missing my children who would have a childhood in a broken home (possibly)? (She may also be pregnant now - I'm not happy about it.) Previous bouts of "working it out" resulted merely in the suffocation of my own anxieties, and I have yet to otherwise assuage that old seed of doubt. It comes to a choice every moment, each second. Do I love her? Yes. Will I stay, or leave? Which is better? Can we even mend our relationship? We've tried and succeeded, but only ever for a short time. I can't see a future with her where this doubt evaporates, where the question of commitment doesn't come to a head regularly. Regardless of other relationships, as the past has demonstrated .
I can however, see a future with my girlfriend that is bright and joyous, where the kids could grow, watching a relationship where their dad shows how to love a woman.
Oh, the other thing: I want to buy land. Move out to the country, build a house with room for running boys. Her parents would bankroll this dream, they share it, but at the cost of my unquavering commitment to their daughter. Leaving can never again be an option. The same statement required of me for her hand in marriage. Practical, they need me to cover our portion. But so hard, and forever is a long time. I'd gladly provide finances, regardless the quality of our marriage, but…
So, how do I navigate this? What would you do in my predicament? Are there any nuggets of wisdom stored in the vast internet that could help me come to terms with this decision, one way or the other? Help me forgive myself for valuing duty before love, or vice versa? Life is so short.
Thanks,
Ghost
