Marriage, jealousy and new feelings..

[IndieSolo]

If Liam doesn't want a relationship with you, and you aren't sure if you want one with him, why did you kiss? Seems like playing with fire to me. It also seems like you are letting this crush go to your head and you are not thinking clearly.

You and Jayden need to look at agreements you made and see what changes are needed now. Keep talking, talking, talking. Leave Liam alone for now. Don't make it even more messy by being around him, unless you really just like creating drama.

 

[WhatHappened]

I really need to somehow express my feelings and love for him... But I can't change how I feel. I can't become someone I'm not. I am in love with two people and there's nothing I can do about it!

.... I need to somehow be with him, on some level.

I don't know if I can not see Liam. I value his friendship. It's what's been keeping me going! I'm willing to keep our relationship platonic, but I don't think I could not have him in my life.

I'm so confused. I don't know what to do.

I personally think that the first thing to do is change your thinking. You are not helpless. You want many things listed above, but by telling yourself repeatedly that you need such and such, that you can't not have what you want, you are causing some of your own difficulty.

Actually, you can have a strong impact on your feelings by either feeding them and indulging them, or by choosing to constantly re-focus elsewhere, rather than dwell on them.

If your "poly" experience so far has been seeing a married man (Jayden), and you yourself were not seeing anyone else, and that man's marriage broke up so he could be with the other woman he was seeing (you), I can see why he's afraid of now being the one left.

 

[dryad]

Whoa! No, that's not how it was. The poly experiences I've had before weren't just when my husband was married. As I explained, I had a 6-month relationship with someone else (Ben) after we were married.

Yes, I can see why he's scared. I can understand his point of view completely. I think I'm just looking for answers as to what I really want, if I'm honest.

 

[dryad]

If Liam doesn't want a relationship with you, and you aren't sure if you want one with him, why did you kiss? Seems like playing with fire to me. It also seems like you are letting this crush go to your head and you are not thinking clearly.

You and your husband need to look at agreements you made and see what changes are needed now. Keep talking, talking, talking. Leave Liam alone for now. Don't make it even more messy by being around him, unless you really just like creating drama.

I will answer your question with your quotes! "Never confuse commitment with exclusivity, love with ownership, nor sex with intimacy!" We kissed because it happened. We have a connection. Love flows freely and sometimes without attachment.

 

[SchrodingersCat]

He seemed to understand it when we got married. But now he's not OK with it, maybe because he got used to having me to himself?

He probably told himself that you would never really act on it. It could be that, in his mind, it was fine for you to be poly, and have those thoughts and feelings, but not to actually act on them.

People tell themselves all kinds of stories. "She's not really poly. She just hasn't found the right man. I'll show her. I'll be man enough that she doesn't need anyone else." Then, when reality doesn't line up with the stories some people tell themselves, they try to change reality to match their story.

I think he really wants an answer to his question "Why aren't I enough for you?" But obviously it's not like that. It's not that black and white. How do you handle a question like that?

He will probably never really "get it," just like I will never truly understand the monogamous mindset. I can accept, intellectually, that some people are mono-wired and they can be satisfied knowing they will only be with that one person for the rest of their life. But it's always "OK, I believe you," not, "Yeah, that makes sense."

He's obviously mono-wired. He was married and dating you. His ex-wife was poly. There was no logistical reason he couldn't see you and still be married to her. But that's not how he rolls, which is fine.

Please back off from Liam. That will just complicate things far too much right now.

I respectfully disagree. Jayden has had five years to deal with Dryad's polyamory. When her relationship ended with Ben, he manipulated her into agreeing not to do that again. He did not try to accept her polyamory in the past, so why would he start now, if he can get her to just stop behaving poly?

Whenever she's not into someone else, he can just put his head in the sand and pretend she's monogamous. If she keeps giving up her other loves for his sake, he may come to believe that all he has to do is put his foot down and force her to follow his monogamous rules. If she ends her involvement with Liam, it's sending the message to Jayden that she is willing to put her basic nature aside for the sake of his discomfort.

This isn't some new thing that she just stumbled on last week. If he's uncomfortable with polyamory, he shouldn't have married a polyamorous woman. Simple as that. He knew she was poly and married her anyway. He doesn't get to wake up one day and decide that she has to become mono just because coping with poly is painful for him. He has to learn to accept it, or he has to leave.

 

[Natja]

I respectfully disagree. Jayden has had five years to deal with dryad's polyamory. When her relationship ended with Ben, he manipulated her into agreeing not to do that again. He did not try to accept her polyamory in the past, so why would he start now, if he can get her to just stop behaving poly?

I am not certain why you chose my quote, since plenty of people agree on this thread that Liam is an added complication in an already upsetting and volatile situation. She has a crush on Liam, but she is married to Jayden. To me, it makes no sense at all to risk her marriage for this crush that probably will not go anywhere. Of course, you are within your rights to disagree, but frankly, I don't ascribe to the 'Woe is me, I am a victim of my feelings' mentality. She can stop it. She just doesn't want to.

She came on here looking for viewpoints. My viewpoint is not to railroad Jayden in a "put up or shut up" sort of way. If she wants to work on her marriage, she needs to concentrate on the marriage, rather than creating NRE with Liam, which will, as we full know, make it near impossible for her to think clearly and back away. She has to do it before things get too complicated.

At the end of the day, my point is not about whether she can have a poly life or not. I actually agree with you that she did not deceive Jayden, and that he will have to accept it, or they will have to split. But I don't think she will be able to do the job she is trying to do, effectively, with Liam floating in front of her eyes.

What does Dryad want, her marriage or Liam? She won't have them both, not ethically.

 

[kdt26417]

Re (from dryad):

"I think he really wants an answer to his question, 'Why aren't I enough for you?' But obviously it's not like that, it's not that black and white. How do you handle a question like that?"

I suggest something like: "It's not that there's anything lacking in you, it's just that I tend to fall in love with more than one person."

But it's true that he may never understand, no matter how good of an answer you give.

 

[FullofLove1052]

Is your marriage worth losing because of the feelings for Liam? You have stated that you are not sure he wants a relationship, so how did you end up falling in love with him? What happens if that love is not mutual? I am just assuming because you never said how he felt about you. If you do not know, perhaps you need to find out before telling him about the feelings you have for him. What is it that you want from Liam? A physical relationship? Friends with benefits? If a relationship is not what either of you wants, what is the urgency or this need to open up and spill your feelings?

 

[SchrodingersCat]

I am not certain why you chose my quote, since plenty of people agree on this thread that Liam in an added complication in an already upsetting and volatile situation.

Because you said it first, no other reason. I'm not trying to single you out or anything.

She has a crush on Liam.

Your words, not hers. She says she loves him. I hear that as more than just a crush.

it makes no sense at all to risk her marriage for this crush that probably will not go anywhere.

But it makes sense to let her husband change who she is? To give in to his demands just because he's now realized he doesn't like what he signed up for 5 years ago?

I think standing up for who you are and sticking to your beliefs are very good reasons for risking a marriage. People have risked far more than marriage for their principles. A spouse should complement you, support you, and understand you. Above all else, they should accept you. They should not try to change you. If he really wants a reason why he's "not enough" for her, there it is: you don't accept me.

I don't ascribe to the 'Woe is me, I am a victim of my feelings' mentality. She can stop it. She just doesn't want to.

I agree that she's no victim to her feelings, and that she has the choice whether to be involved with Liam. With Liam specifically, I agree that she's playing victim with "There's nothing I can do about it." She can stop seeing Liam. But she can't stop being poly. Why should she have to?

My viewpoint is not to railroad Jayden in a "put up or shut up" sort of way.

But it's fair for him to railroad her in a "change who you are because it hurts my feelings" sort of way?

If she wants to work on her marriage, she needs to concentrate on the marriage, rather than creating NRE with Liam.

The fundamental problem I see in their marriage, based on what little we have to go on, is that she is not happy being forced to act monogamous.

I don't see what she can do to work on that. Her husband married a polyamorous woman and now he's trying to make her change. You just don't do that to people. If you don't accept someone how they are, then you don't marry them. It's not rocket science.

It's not like they were mono, then she met this guy and decided she's not mono, and now wants to change the boundaries of the marriage. In that case, I would agree that she could put Liam on hold while Jayden adjusted to the new paradigm. But he's had over 5 years to adjust to a paradigm that pre-existed their marriage. If he was putting in effort to actually do that, she wouldn't be here.

He asks what he can do to make her happy. What he really means is, what can he do to make her happy being monogamous?

What does the OP want, marriage or Liam? She won't have them both, not ethically.

But the choice is not "marriage or Liam," it's "marriage or polyamory." Liam is just one romance in a lifelong journey of loving multiple people. Jayden is not asking her to give up Liam because there's something specifically wrong with Liam. He hasn't even said "give up Liam to give me space to work on accepting your poly." He's asking her to give up Liam because he hates everything Liam represents: the fact that he's not "enough" for Dryad.

He needs to accept that he is not enough for her, and that's not a failing in him or even her. I love pizza, but I can't live on pizza alone. That doesn't mean pizza should feel inadequate just because I need to eat other things. It just means I'm the kind of animal that can't live on one single type of food.

I don't see how giving up Liam will solve anything. Of course we don't have his side, but I'm not hearing any indication that Jayden will work on accepting polyamory, but that Liam makes it too much right now. I'm hearing that he wants Liam to go away so he can go back to pretending he married a monogamous woman.

 

[Natja]

You left out the point where I said I agree with you that he (the husband) married a poly woman and will have to deal with that. What I wrote was specifically about Liam, and the fact that she will not be able to have both Liam and her marriage. Yes, Liam is a symbol right now. Wrong timing, I suppose. However, Jayden has spoken out now, and if she wants to remain married, Liam can't be around right now.

And yes, people can risk their marriage for their principles, but I got the feelings that Dryad was trying to find a way to reassure her husband. My point was that she would have to put Liam (who does not actually want a relationship with her, remember?) aside to do it. It is not just that she has feelings for him, but he is a distraction also.

I may sound harsh, but it sounds to me like a teenage crush gone mad. We don't get everything and everyone we want. Dryad needs to start acting like an adult and stop weeping over a man she can't actually have, whilst simultaneously losing the one she does have.

 

[SchrodingersCat]

Bottom line, what Dryad needs is acceptance from her husband. So answer me this: how does "forgetting about Liam" help Jayden accept her polyamorous nature?

You left out the point where I said I agree with you that he (the husband) married a poly woman and will have to deal with that. What I wrote was specifically about Liam and the fact that she will not be able to have both Liam and her marriage.

To change my mind about forgetting Liam, I would need to hear this from Jayden: "I accept that my wife is polyamorous. I admit that I've been ignoring that since our son was born. Now that she's met this Liam character, it's become clear to me that she cannot pretend to be monogamous, nor do I have the right to ask her to. I'm willing to work at becoming comfortable with that fact, but I can't do that with this guy being shoved in my face. If she agrees not to be involved with anyone for 6 months, then I promise to use that time to educate myself about polyamory and what it means to her. I will deal with my insecurities and take ownership of my emotions, without pressuring her to curtail her behaviour to appease my insecurities."

Yes, Liam is a symbol right now. Wrong timing, I suppose. However, Jayden has spoken out, and if she wants to remain married, Liam can't be around right now.

There's nothing special about timing. Liam was just a catalyst for the inevitable, given that she was trying to act mono when she isn't. Jayden spoke out after their son was born, saying he'd never really liked her dating Ben. That was long before Liam came on the scene.

And yes, people can risk their marriage for their principles, but I got the feeling that Dryad was trying to find a way to reassure her husband. My point was that she would have to put Liam (who does not actually want a relationship with her, remember?) aside to do it, it is not just that she has feelings for him, but he is a distraction also.

Basically, you don't remove anyone's insecurities by giving in to their fears. I find that the best way to reassure someone that something is harmless is to just go ahead and do it, and demonstrate that no harm follows. It's exactly the way psychologists use exposure therapy to curtail anxiety, and it's extremely effective.

I could even argue that Liam is the perfect way to begin exposure therapy. Liam doesn't want a relationship, so that can assuage the husband's fears that Liam is going to steal her away. But it can show him that loving another man doesn't mean she loves her husband any less.

I may sound harsh, but it sounds like a teenage crush gone mad. We don't get everything and everyone we want. Dryad needs to start acting like an adult and stop weeping over a man she can't actually have, whilst simultaneously losing one she does have.

Can you explain that judgement? All she's said is that she loves Liam and Liam loves her, but he does not want to label it as a relationship. He is willing to have a loving friendship in which they express themselves. She is agreeable to that. How exactly is that "weeping?"

She's not asking for "everything she wants." She's asking for her husband to accept that she's polyamorous, as he claimed to do when they got together, but was actually bullshitting her.

 

[FullofLove1052]

Her husband may never accept it, and that is his right. He may ultimately decide to leave to let her do her thing. That is a very real possibility that has to be considered.

 

[Natja]

Bottom line, what she needs is acceptance from her husband. So answer me this: how does forgetting about Liam help her husband accept polyamory?

The Liam factor will effect how she communicates her polyamorous nature, just as much as her husband sees him as a threat. Whichever way you look at it, she has to get across that this is not about Liam, it is about who she is, and the best way of doing that is to remove Liam from the picture and instead concentrate on educating her husband.

To change my mind about forgetting Liam, I would need to hear this from the husband: "I accept that my wife is polyamorous and I admit that I've been ignoring that since our son was born. Now that she's met this Liam character, it's become clear to me that she cannot pretend to be monogamous, nor do I have the right to ask her to. I'm willing to work at becoming comfortable with that fact, but I can't do that with this guy being shoved in my face. If she agrees not to be involved with anyone for 6 months, then I promise to use that time to educate myself about polyamory and what it means to her. I will deal with my insecurities and take ownership of my emotions, without pressuring her to curtail her behaviour to appease my insecurities."

I see no problem with this. However this has to be put to the husband as a possibility, instead of the opinion you seem to be espousing, which is to do it anyway. No. Just no.

Jayden spoke out after their son was born, saying he'd never really liked her dating Ben. That was long before Liam came on the scene.

Exactly! She had then a perfect opportunity to educate her husband then, but instead, she chose to modify her behaviour and then wait until she was getting desperately silly over some crush that now she wants him to deal and accept then? For real? The best time for that was when he said he had issues. Her seeming compliance with that gave him false hope.

Basically, you don't remove anyone's insecurities by giving in to their fears.

Neither do you remove them by ignoring them. Erm... have you so easily forgotten Purpleboots' thread? I am sure that is the attitude G&H believe also, but that does not make it right. Or is this somehow some sort of sexist attitude? If it is a woman being browbeaten that is wrong, but in this case it is a man, so he just needs to accept it by Dryad going ahead and doing it anyway??

Exposure therapy is not helping Purpleboots. This seems terribly hypocritical. She went into that relationship also. She allowed H to move in and started a triad with her. Now things are going tits up, and you are telling her she is being ignored and abused and needs to leave. But you are advocating that Dryad ignore the needs of her partner. What the heck?

Can you explain that judgement? All she's said is that she loves Liam and Liam loves her, but he does not want to label it as a relationship. He is willing to have a loving friendship in which they express themselves. She is agreeable to that. How exactly is that "weeping?"

I am taking her slightly emotive and melodramatic expressions as a great risk to falling into strong NRE. This will mean that a great deal of her attention will be diverted towards Liam and away from her husband. She won't be reassuring him, unless she decides to take your exposure thing seriously.

She's not asking for "everything she wants." She's asking for her husband to accept that she's polyamorous, as he claimed to do when they got together, but was actually bullshitting her.

No, there is no evidence he was giving her BS. There is just a big difference between something being theoretical and something being actual. He thought he could handle it, and then, after Ben, realised he couldn't, and admitted that. He gave it a go. Good for him!

However, now they are at cross purposes. I am assuming Dryad is unsure what to do and that is why she asked for help. If she eventually wants to live authentically to herself and keep her husband, I advised her to put Liam aside for a while. Like I said, you are free to disagree with that. But I don't think force, whether it is forcing someone to accept polyamory, or forcing them to act like they are monogamous, is a smart idea. Both of them have a lot of work to do. It is my belief that this work would be hindered by having Liam about, like some sort of threatening spectre.

Her husband may never accept it, and that is his right.

True. My fear is that her need to have Liam will overtake her patience regarding working with her husband, she may end up not putting the effort in at all, and expecting Jayden to deal, and he'll eventually leave. And there she is, no husband, and maybe no Liam, because he is just a friend, and may back off when he sees the shit storm their 'friendship' has caused. Is it worth the risk? Only Dryad can answer that.

Natja

 

[Nox]

I feel for you, Dryad. I'm trying to work another love into my life, as well.

 

[PhilosophicallyLost]

You probably feel a lot of guilt over Jayden being as distraught as he is. I unfortunately can empathize with that feeling quite a bit too. He definitely is having some reactions of, "Why am I not enough by myself?" Even though you may not see it that way, it's a form of rejection to him. I'm not sure of the types of conversations you two have had, but explaining to him that your love is not diminished by the presence of a new love might be a good place to start. It bears repeating, even if he's already heard it, as it sounds like he is feeling pretty insecure.

It also sounds like both of you have some work to do on being honest with yourselves and your communication. He wasn't honest about the Ben character until later, and probably did some damage there. You responded by trying to be monogamous. The intentions were good, but I'm not sure if you were being honest with yourself, as your current situation demonstrates. You and Jayden definitely care about each other and want to adjust to each other, but you both are struggling to do so. This makes for a pretty sticky situation, and I don't know honestly if there is going to be a very simple answer.

I think there is a possibility, if you both commit to working really hard on your communication, that you guys can find an acceptable medium. The resolution may not be that great for either of you, but you two will have to decide if the resolution's acceptable enough to continue with the marriage If meeting in the middle is not enough, then maybe things will come to a head. Still, I would try to work on it a bit more by communicating a lot.

You only told your husband recently, so I would allow some time for the idea to sink in before trying anything with Liam. I learned the hard way I should have allowed my husband more time to absorb the situation before jumping in with a new relationship, so I implore you to hold off for now. Work on making a stronger base to launch off on; I guarantee the ride will be all the better for it.

 

[SchrodingersCat]

Exactly! She had a perfect opportunity to educate her husband then. Instead she chose to modify her behaviour and then wait until she was getting desperately silly over some crush that she wants him to deal with, and accept now? The best time for that was when he said he had issues,. Her seeming compliance with that gave him false hope.

Fair enough. I can see that side of it. She probably believed she'd be able to do it until someone was actually in her life that made her realize otherwise, but you do make a good point. She has a equal share of the blame for getting to this point.

Neither do you remove them by ignoring them. Erm... have you so easily forgotten Purpleboots' thread? I am sure that is the attitude G&H believe also. But that does not make it right. Or is this somehow some sort of sexist attitude? If it is a woman being browbeaten, it's wrong, but in this case it is a man, so he just needs to accept it by Dryad going ahead and doing it anyway?

That is a completely different situation. For one thing, Purple isn't saying "no polyamory," she's saying "respect me." Actually, her primary issue has nothing at all to do with polyamory, it's having a partner who doesn't support her emotionally, who gaslights her and manipulates her, and who blames her spoiling his fun.

Now of course, we don't have Jayden's side of the story, and for all we know, Dryad is doing all of that too. But I'm choosing to give her the benefit of the doubt, and assume that she's trying to be supportive of J's difficulties, but that she's reached her limit in pretending to be someone she's not.

Exposure therapy is not helping Purpleboots. This seems terribly hypocritical, She went into that relationship also, she allowed H to move in and started a triad with her. Now things are going tits up, and you are telling her she is being ignored and abused and needs to leave. But you are advocating that Dryad ignores the needs of her partner. What the heck?

Purpleboots' main problem is not insecurity, so there's no analogy. Being ignored and taken for granted aren't problems you deal with by exposure. Again, totally different circumstances. I don't understand how you can even attempt to draw a parallel.

I am taking her slightly emotive and melodramatic expressions as a great risk to falling into strong NRE, this will mean that a great deal of her attention will be diverted towards Liam and away from her husband. She won't be reassuring him, unless she decides to take your exposure thing seriously.

Assumptions, assumptions. You know nothing about how she treats her husband, whether she is reassuring and loving or apathetic and uncaring.

She did say she wants to try and make it work. That will require her to be compassionate and supportive of Jayden while he learns to cope with this aspect of her life. She will need to help him feel like a priority. He will need constant reassurance, both with words and actions, that he is cherished and valued, that this is not about his inadequacy as a husband, but about her own personal journey.

I'm not saying she's a saint and this is all Jayden's fault. I'm not even saying that I think Liam is going to help their marriage in any way. Help Jayden's insecurities, perhaps. But that's his personal issue, not the marriage.

What I am saying is that I don't see how cutting Liam off is going to help anything, unless Jayden uses the time to learn about Dryad, and makes some real effort to understand and accept her. But merely saying "you need to forget Liam in order to fix this" only appeases J's desire to "play monogamy." It fixes nothing.

There is no evidence he was giving her BS. There is just a big difference between something being theoretical and something being actual. He thought he could handle it and then, after Benn realised he couldn't, and admitted that.

He'd already been involved in actual polyamory, with his previous wife. If my interpretation is correct, it actually ended his previous marriage. For whatever reason, he believed this would somehow be different. Then, when he was struggling through her relationship with Ben, he said nothing until it was over, at which point he made her feel guilty for hurting him and was more than happy to have her to put polyamory away in a box so that he would never have to deal with it.

Quite possibly, he's just not cut out for a mono-poly relationship, and all of this is moot. Last time he had a wife with another partner, he got himself another partner, and then left his wife for that other partner. Obviously he doesn't "get" polyamory. Whether he can learn to is anybody's guess. But he sure won't unless he tries.

 

[SchrodingersCat]

I guess where I'm really coming from with this is that she's already held off on polyamory since the birth of her son. But I acknowledge that that was a mistake, a failed attempt at monogamy. Go forward with the paradigm of "Dryad is poly, not mono" so Jayden can start learning to accept that. In that context, the experience of others does tell me that letting Liam go for now will help Jayden feel that he is still loved and cherished.

However, it must be emphasized that this is a temporary situation, not a permanent solution. Dryad, Jayden needs to know that you are not letting Liam go and trying to be mono again. You are letting Liam go so that Jayden has space to work on himself and get ok with this. Set a time limit so he knows he has to actively work on that.

 

[Vixtoria]

However, it must be emphasized that this is a temporary situation, not a permanent solution. He needs to know that you are not letting Liam go and trying to be mono again. You are letting Liam go so that your husband has space to work on himself and get ok with this. Set a time limit so he knows he has to actively work on that.

I think it's better stated that it is a temporary situation as the two of them work out what being poly means for Dryad, and what Jayden needs to feel secure in their relationship as they move forward.

For me, coming from a background of a poly/mono relationship that was mono at one point, it did more harm than good to be told, "Hey, she's poly, you need to figure out how to be okay with it!" to my hubby.

It's not something that Jayden must just learn to deal with. It's a change in their relationship, and they both need to define what it means to them. There's major communication to do there.

It's scary and a change. Boundaries need to be made, not to hem anyone in, or give anyone veto power or priority, but as in, "Does this mean you are going to actively go looking for partners? Or wait for a relationship to come along? Is there a set number of people you want to be in a relationship with? Is it possible that the idea of cohabitating would come up? Sooner, later?"

Just saying. My wife is poly. I accept it is scary and empty, as he has no idea what that means. Maybe she doesn't either, so they need to figure that out together, regardless of Liam.

Though to be honest, isn't it a safe bet that Liam might be saying he's not interested in a relationship for the same reasons? Not knowing what that means for him, for her marriage, for long term, for short term?

The situation means a lot of people figuring things out, not just Jayden. All three need to figure out for themselves what it is they really want, not just what they don't want. And then, at the very least, the married couple needs to come together and discuss it and all the icky details. (Suddenly discussing sex outside of the marriage, and testing and fluid bonding can be pretty icky the first dozen times! Hence being told not to communicate, but to communicate, communicate, communicate.)

I just wanted to add, Dryad was poly before, in a relationship with another man, but she and Jayden agreed "no sex." Sex was JUST FOR THEM. Does that change now? Is it off the table, no matter what or was before, but not now? SO MUCH TO DISCUSS! More than just "accept me." How do you accept something when you don't know what it entails?

 

[Natja]

Purpleboots' main problem is not insecurity, so there's no analogy. Being ignored and taken for granted aren't problems you deal with by exposure. Again, totally different circumstances. I don't understand how you can even attempt to draw a parallel.

Because can't you see that there is the possibility that given a few steps, Dryad could end up being G (the hb of Purpleboots) if she ever gets to the NRE stage? It is good to give someone the benefit of the doubt, of course. But I think considering what she is saying at this point, there is a risk that she (especially if she follows your exposure therapy) will end up behaving in the same way. She has a lot of work to do.

But merely saying, "You need to forget Liam in order to fix this," only appeases J's desire to "play monogamy," and fixes nothing.

At no point did I ever say that. I have emphasised more than once that this time should be used for working on getting Jayden to understand Dryad as a poly woman, not even to work on their marriage being stronger, as if it were a purely monogamous setting.

... at which point, he made her feel guilty for hurting him, and was more than happy to have her to put polyamory away in a box so that he would never have to deal with it.

She felt guilty. That much we know. She decided to put polyamory away. That much we know. We can't lay all the blame for her behaviours and feelings on him. She is an adult. She made adult choices. They were wrong for her. She had a responsibility to herself and her marriage to be authentic to it. Now she wants to spring a new love on him? I can understand exactly why he is destabilised.

It's not something that J must just 'learn to deal with.' It's a change in their relationship. They BOTH need to define what it means to them. There's major communication to do there.
My wife is poly. I accept it is scary and empty, as he has no idea what that MEANS. Maybe she doesn't either, so they need to figure that out together, regardless of Liam.
.....................
SO MUCH TO DISCUSS! More than just "accept me." How do you accept something when you don't know what it entails?

This! Thank you, Vixtoria. This is just the kind of thing that is going through my mind, except you said it so much better and more concisely.

 

[dryad]

Wow, so many comments to read through. Thank you. I will post again properly later when I get some time to myself.

To update you all though, over the weekend, Jayden and I have talked a lot and agreed to take things one day at a time. He doesn't want me to stop seeing Liam, and has said he's comfortable with me seeing him as slightly more than friends (close friends who are intimate, no sex, just kissing and lots of cuddling, affection).

I am going to be very careful and not jump into anything. I want to take time to reassure Jayden, and give him time to get used to the fact (again) that I am poly. I want him to know that this isn't about Liam, it is about my orientation as a pansexual poly woman.