Marriage...

PolyGirl37

New member
I have been married to my husband for 18 years come May and have been together since high-school. We started to open our marriage about 7 years ago, as we (I),became close to our roommate. At first it was platonic sex and someone to see a movie with while my husband was away (he is a trucker) and also if he desired company while on the road. (Certain areas he goes to and stays a few days every month... I'm not referring to one nighters, though they have happened.)

Suddenly we are in a custody battle for my boyfriends 2 children. Like we are in a very messy and dirty ordeal, as she (boyfriends ex wife) literally just took the kids with no notice. Picked them up for a visit and just refused to bring them home... ... ...but that's not the point here.

My husband and I filled out divorce papers... last night actually, to make me available to marry my boyfriend and in a way, solidify our family. He will be taking my husband'sand my(obviously) name in the marriage instead of me taking his. We have talked about doing this for some time now, but didn't think we would for another year or three.... or whatever, whenever. Point being that now was not our plan.

But with the situation at hand, we expedited our "plans" to now, for our children.

I was wondering if anyone else had experience with anything like this. The marriage part of it, not so much the custody battle...
 
Usually courts look for stability. I'm not sure they'd view this sequence of events as stable just because he's married to you now. Maybe the courts are more progressive than I think.
Our lawyer in the case told us to continue with the plans when we talked to him if it would be better to wait or for my boyfriend to be married, as sometimes (judge depending sometimes maybe) look at being single and having a partner to help raise the children. We didn't jump start this endeavor blind on the case. And my marital status wirh my husband won't affect my boyfriends case, as they see him engaged and getting married, more so than my divorce, a separate case, as I'm not highlighted in the custody situation legally.

My post was full of everything, but my curiosity was more on marrying both (or multiple...depending on such decisions) to bring everyone together... as equals..or however the viewpoint would be in a committed thruple.

I will still see myself and married to my husband and we will always count and celebrate our anniversary. We, my boyfriend and me, just want to marry as well. I mean if it wasn't for political issues, my husband would marry him for the same reason.
 
Hi PolyGirl37,

Sorry to hear you are in a custody battle for your boyfriend's two children. It sounds like you have kind of been forced to divorce your husband, and marry your boyfriend, sooner than you had planned. I do think the divorce/marry arrangement is a smart idea, it eliminates the "couple privilege" that often exists when two people are married to each other but the third person, the newcomer, isn't. I've heard of people divorcing in a poly situation in order to establish equality, although I admit this is the first time I've heard of marrying the other/third person. Intriguing idea -- and probably necessary with the custody battle you have on your hands. Of course someday the laws may change, to where you could be legally married to both men. We can always hope, right?

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I would worry about baby momma dragging polyamory/ your recent divorce then quick marriage into the custody case. If the lawyer isn't worried about it, though, you must live in a good location for nontraditional families.

As for marriage creating equality in a relationship? Eh. I don't buy it. Triads in general rarely stay stable long term because there will always be an ebb and flow in relationships and triads are 4 in 1 (you and husband, you and fiance, fiance and husband, all 3 together). 7 years is actually one of the longest I've heard of, so yall must be doing something right! If the married title is important to you all, cool. You do you. I don't think it really means anything except what you make it. For some, it's recognition that is necessary. For others it's just tradition and expectation. Our opinions don't matter - just yours do 😊
 
I have been married to my husband for 18 years come May. We have been together since high school. We started to open our marriage about 7 years ago, as we (I), became close to our roommate.
Why do you say "we (I)"? What do you mean "close"? Do you mean, you, a woman, fell in love with and began to have sex with roommate (let's call him Jim)? Do you mean you husband (let's call him Aaron) fell in love with Jim and began to have sex with him too?
At first it was platonic sex
What is platonic sex? In our culture, platonic usually means no sex, just friendship. Do you mean you started having casual sex with Jim, but you were only friends with benefits? Or do you mean all three of you started having group sex? Or the two men started having casual sex?
and someone to see a movie with while my husband was away (he is a trucker) and also if he desired company while on the road.
Who started accompanying your trucker husband Aaron on the road? You? Jim? Or is Jim a trucker too?

Either way, you eventually fell in love with Jim, and he with you, and maybe the guys also fell in love with each other.
Suddenly we are in a custody battle for Jim's 2 children. We are in a very messy and dirty ordeal, as Jim's ex wife literally just took the kids with no notice... but that's not the point here.

Aaron and I filled out divorce papers last night, to make me available to marry Jim, and in a way, solidify our family. He will be taking my married last name in the marriage, instead of me taking his. We have talked about doing this for some time now, but didn't think we would for another year or three.... or whatever, whenever. Point being that now was not our plan. But with the situation at hand, we've expedited our plans to happen now, for our children.
"Our" children? You mean Jim's children? You and Aaron consider them to be your own children, as well?
I was wondering if anyone else had experience with anything like this. The marriage part of it, not so much the custody battle...
So, to break it down, you are in a romantic relationship with Jim. He might lose his kids from a former relationship. His ex kidnapped them. You all think he stands a better chance at keeping his kids if he is married to you. Maybe Jim's ex knows he is in a V-shaped (or triad, which implies homosexuality) relationship with another woman and man, or maybe she thinks you are cheating on Aaron with Jim, and she thinks this endangers her kids' morals.

I think if she is aware that you are married to someone else, but having sex with her ex-husband, the father of her children, she will definitely bring this up in court, whether you suddenly divorce Aaron and marry Jim, or not. Maybe it would help if Jim entirely cut ties with you and Aaron, or if Aaron moved out and you never saw him again, but it seems like you do not want that to happen, just so Jim can retain custody.
 
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I am adding your introductory post to this one, since it adds a lot of context, answers questions I was asking, etc.

I ended up accidentally polyamorous with my husband and our roommate (m). At first we chalked it up to attraction of being together all the time, and had a few threesomes but it didn't expand on that for years. We have been roommates for almost 8 years now. As time passed we became very close and, well a family. He has 2 kids that live with him, (us) and my husband and I have 1 child.

While we didn't really have to come out to anyone at first, as we already lived together and we don't do alot of PDA... so to family and friends, we remained platonic roommates and really good friends, like nothing changed. I ended up popping that little bubble to my mother in law first and didn't really intend to at first. She and I were talking about the holidays a few years ago, about a year after we felt official, and she told me that he and his children were not welcome to join.

Now this did not mean that we had to go public, and I tried to explain they were part of our family, she responded that they were not her family. This hurt me in a way I could not describe, still can't. So in this conversation I got blunt with it and used the big scary word, telling her we were polyamorous and his kids were our (my husband and me) kids too. So that year she could accept my whole family or she wouldn't be seeing any of us. After that, pretty much everyone knew it seemed, on my husband's side of the family. (FYI- we all shared the holidays together that year and have every year since.)

Shortly after that, I also told my side of the family. They did not have quite the reaction my husband's family did. However, as I am already the black sheep in my family, I'm practically disowned by everyone, so I wasn't as worried about what they would think as I believe my husband was, growing up in a devote catholic environment. My grandma though, did t know what it meant... so it was a trip explaining it.

We recently bought a house together, where before my husband and I rented and he had moved in after his divorce was final. When we moved, we all share 1 room and 1 bed. Our children know we are together, as much as children know. All they see is as typical and a mono marriage. I am the V point of our relationship as they have no sexual connection, but they have a very loving and respectful relationship between them.

I have had some people walk away and cut me out of their lives because they just see me being a shameful and disrespecting my husband of 18 years. I'm not going to lie and say it didn't hurt that they 'based' our friendship on what I feel in my heart or goes on behind closed doors.

My child is now 12 and his are 11 and 8...for some clarity... and as I said above, we have all lived together just shy of 8 years...so I kinda raised his 2 with mine. They were my kids in my heart and will be forever.

Sorry if I rambled too much for an introduction... but this is me and my family.
 
And now my comments.

I ended up accidentally polyamorous with my husband [Aaron] and our roommate [Jim]. At first we chalked it up to attraction of being together all the time. We had a few threesomes, but didn't expand on that for years. We have been roommates for almost 8 years now. As time passed we became very close and, well, a family. Jim has 2 kids that live with him, (us) and Aaron and I have 1 child.

We didn't really have to come out to anyone at first. We live together but don't do a lot of PDA, so to family and friends, we remained platonic roommates and really good friends, like nothing changed.

I ended up popping that little bubble to my mother-in-law first and didn't really intend to at first. She and I were talking about the holidays a few years ago, about a year after we felt official, and she told me that Jim and his children were not welcome to join.

This did not mean that we had to go public. I tried to explain that they were part of our family, she responded that they were not her family. This hurt me in a way I could not describe, still can't. In this conversation I got blunt with it and used the big scary word, telling her we were polyamorous, saying that Jim's kids were our (my husband and me) kids too. I told her that she could accept my whole family or she wouldn't be seeing any of us.

After that, pretty much everyone knew, it seemed, on my husband's side of the family.

So your MIL told everyone in the family...

(FYI- we all shared the holidays together that year and have every year since.)

Everyone accepted your V and that was that. Good!

Shortly after that, I also told my side of the family. They did not have quite the reaction my husband's family did. However, as I am already the black sheep in my family, I'm practically disowned by everyone, so I wasn't as worried about what they would think as I believe my husband was, growing up in a devout catholic environment.

We recently bought a house together, whereas before, Aaron and I had rented and Jim had moved in after his divorce was final. We all share 1 room and 1 bed. Our children know we are together, as much as children know. All they see is a typical/mono marriage.

A mono marriage where 3 adults share one room and bed, though? Below you say the 3 kids are 12, 11 and 8. Most older kids wouldn't think mom and dad were mono if there were 2 dads in Mom's bed. I am guessing the older 2, at least, are thinking you are sharing sex with both men, and wonder if the men are sharing sex with each other, as well. They probably discuss this between them.

I am the V point of our relationship. The men have no sexual connection, but they have a very loving and respectful relationship.

That answered one of my questions.

Aaron's and my child is now 12 and Jim's are 11 and 8. As I said above, we have all lived together just shy of 8 years...so Aaron and I have kinda raised Jim's 2 with ours. They are my kids in my heart and will be forever.

This is me and my family.
You've certainly helped raised the 8 year old since birth!

So... Jim's ex (let's call her Jane) knows he's been living with you and Aaron for 8 years. Does Jane know you and Jim are romantic/sexual partners? Is she the type to misunderstand polyamory and be horrified, especially now that her/Jim's kids are pre-adolescent/adolescents and are maybe/probably telling her you three share a bedroom?
 
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