Married and content but lover is iffy...

C

cr89

New member
So DH and I have a close friend who we had a threesome with. I brought up the idea of polyamory and we gave it a shot, it went well for a few weeks. Hubby is perfectly accepting and open with the situation, and has in fact tried to make it easier for us to have some time together (he rents a room from a local and we are keeping this discreet). The problem I'm having may be related to polyamory and may not be, I am really not sure.

He (the lover) has been quite distant lately and not very communicative. I recently confided in him when DH and I had a little fight that was not related to his involvement. I also know that he says he is okay with being a part of this (discreetly) but he is pretty traditional usually. Another curve ball is that he has a daughter with someone who he doesn't have a relationship with but is trying to work out custody arrangements. I know that this makes him nervous if she were to find out what he is involved with. They are both military as well, although as far as I can tell there wouldn't be much chance of repercussions there. Anyway, although in the beginning things were wonderful and he agreed to be very open and communicative, he has been incredibly distant and seemingly uninterested. It is difficult to pin him down for a discussion, especially in person. I do love him, so it's not as simple as just leaving him behind. any insight or thoughts?
 
Have you asked? Something like...

"I've noticed you not really being present or communicative. Is something going on with the custody thing? Something else you might want to talk about at this time? I can listen if you need a listener."​

But if he says he doesn't want to share right now... well, he's not willing right now.

You can offer to listen, but you cannot MAKE him be willing to talk. So wait and see.

What is your need here? What's your desired outcome?

Galagirl
 
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Honestly, what I would like to see happen is: he and I work out beautifully, he gets reasonable custody of his baby girl, and we move to the same base in a year or so when he and DH are both up for reenlistment. But I'm not sure it will happen that way. Chances of getting the same base are reasonable at best, and even so, he is so traditional I'm not sure he'd be happy enough unless he had a real wife of his own. I'm torn between cutting him off completely (which also might affect DH as they were best buds) and just trying to enjoy what we have for the year or so we might have it. Th later is what I'd prefer but I'm not sure e where he stands as he is being so unresponsive...
 
Could ask that then. Something like...

" I know that when re-enlistment time comes, things might change even if I'd like to continue longer. I want to make you aware that I want to enjoy what we have for the year or so we might have it, and then assess what happens next.

Where are you at with this relationship? Could you be willing to let me know where you stand?"​

You seem like you'd like some clarity. What is it that you have asked him so far?

Galagirl
 
Hi cr89,

It seems to me that your lover is an independent person; he can communicate or not communicate according to his own free will. If you are looking for words to convince him to talk to you, I don't know what those words are. "Please talk to me" is about the best I can think of.
 
PP nailed it, he just plain doesn't communicate. It's been a lot longer than a couple weeks, that's just how long it went well for. We began all of this around Valentine's day.

Anyway, finally pried a response out of him. Apparently he's going to try to make a life with baby mama. Even though they never had a relationship and she's only treated him like dirt. I told him I'd appreciate him coming to talk to me in person (this is all over text, his preferred method of communication. I haven't actually seen him in person in nearly 3 weeks...) and that I wou always be there for him even if it's just as a friend. It's not what I want and I say all that through tears, but I care about him and want him to be happy 😔
 
I am glad you got some answers at last but I am sorry it is not the outcome you hoped for.

Galagirl :(
 
cr89 said:
It's been a lot longer than a couple weeks, that's just how long it went well for. We began all of this around Valentine's day.
Click to expand...
I didn't say a "couple of weeks," I said "a few." From Feb. 14th to April 7th (when you first posted) is not even 7-1/2 weeks, not much time at all. I'd call that a "few," as in a very new arrangement. At that early stage, I wouldn't even consider it a relationship, nor the person my lover, and I hardly think it fair to view him as distant and uncommunicative in something so new. It seems unreasonable to expect any sort of pattern at less than three months, IMHO. From his perspective, I would not want to be pressured for anything by someone I was only seeing for that short amount of time.

But I guess that's all a moot point now - he is going for a mono relationship with the mother of his child?
 
Re (from cr89):
"Apparently he's going to try to make a life with baby mama. Even though they never had a relationship and she's only treated him like dirt."
Click to expand...

Well, it sounds like he's making a bad decision, one that will lead to an unhappy life. But, since it's his life and only he has to live it, I guess it's his privilege to throw it away if that's what he wants to do. Maybe he's doing it out of some kind of sense of duty (thinking a child's biological parents should stay together), but I don't know.

And I take it this means he's decided to break up with you? I'm sorry to hear that; I know it's not what you wanted. We always have to take a risk when we fall in love, unfortunately; that's the nature of the beast. You'll have to mourn the loss of this relationship for awhile. But hopefully time will do its healing.

In the meantime, we're still here to help, even if you just need a listening ear.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Thank you for your kind words. Yes he is pretty traditional and feels he needs to make every effort to "do the right thing". It's hard to watch. He attempted something similar and was burned within days, I fear it won't be long before we are comforting him again for the same issue, not that that's what I'm hoping for. DH and I have been pondering the balance of happiness. Is it better to be in an unhappy relationship for the sake of morals and children, or in an unconventional arrangement that truly makes you happy? I think it's clear which camp I'm in. I wish he was willing to give it an honest effort, but I have to just accept that he doesn't view this the same way. I really hope she changes and treats him well, but I'm not optimistic.
 
cr89 said:
PP nailed it, he just plain doesn't communicate. It's been a lot longer than a couple weeks, that's just how long it went well for. We began all of this around Valentine's day.

Anyway, finally pried a response out of him. Apparently he's going to try to make a life with baby mama. Even though they never had a relationship and she's only treated him like dirt. I told him I'd appreciate him coming to talk to me in person (this is all over text, his preferred method of communication. I haven't actually seen him in person in nearly 3 weeks...) and that I wou always be there for him even if it's just as a friend. It's not what I want and I say all that through tears, but I care about him and want him to be happy ��
Click to expand...

I think you may have learned something that perhaps many of us have learned the hard way. Guys will say and agree to anything when horny or offered sex. They will sound sincere too. Not saying that this was the case here but thinking of it and practicing it are two different things. My wife and I ran across a few men and women who talked a good game but once they had their fill of sex they had excuses why they could not stay with us. We finally entered into a great triad with my wife's best friend for 38 years. Talk about commitment to a poly lifestyle, she had it. After about 13 years she wanted to get married because she wanted a primary relationship of her own for various reasons, least of which was love. She went online and found a guy who was was fine with her continuing her relationship with us. Most others could not deal with me making my marriage the primary relationship. After seeing our friends' poly relationships end bad, we were determined to keep our marriage first and primary. It worked for us.
 
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A quick update in case any of you were actually following this. At this point, today actually, I have cut him off as a friend. Or at least as someone who I feel very close to. It failed miserably with B's baby mama, she actually wound up leaving the state while he was on a 10 day mission which is just terrible. Anyway, I went out of town for two weeks and went out with him the day before I left. We talked about where we stood and had a really good talk, and a really great time. We were going to really try, at least that's what he said. While I was gone we talked a little, his service was terrible where he lives. When I got back, it was a little weird, as if we weren't even together. So We finally talked about it and decided to keep it very casual, which I was fine with completely. I guess he didn't really mean it because less than a week after I returned he was talking to an ex girlfriend and they were starting to see each other? I had to ask him about this. It wasn't intentionally kept from me but he never declared anything either, it was really weird. I let it go because we weren't supposed to be very serious, but it was still a weird time. Anyway, since then we have tried to be friends but it's very one sided, it is very sporadic hearing from him. A, my husband, left for a month on Det and I have been very lonely and stressed out (full time student, kids, etc). He has been even more distant since A left, and especially one evening when I received some bad news and was having a particularly hard time, crying etc, he declined coming over because he was tired. At 6pm. After napping all afternoon. And he leaves tomorrow on a month long Det, hasn't bothered to answer texts or hang out at all. It just feels extremely one sided and I don't think I should continue this friendship. So there's that.
 
I should clarify that the girl he is with now is very sweet and her and I have actually become friends (we met through my husband before they even started talking again). They both came over one time to hang out and we had a great time. So I don't think it's because of her.
 
Hi cr89,

Sorry to hear about the way things have turned out. It doesn't sound like this guy cares very much for you. :(

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
It sounds like he just wanted sex, and told you what you wanted to hear to get it.
 
Thanks, I agree. Luckily this hasn't had a negative impact on my marriage with A, that was actually my biggest concern when we started this. Kind of caught me off guard. But live and learn right?
 
Hopefully things will go better next time.
 
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