Married and in a new relationship. Just need some help.

[BizarreBrian]

Hello all! So for some context here it goes. I’ve been seeing this new guy for a month now and everything is going great, or so I thought.

The other day I was texting with him, the usual good morning text, I don’t hear anything back from him for a couple of hours. He says I’m ok and I was like I’m just worried about you is all because he usually responds fairly quickly. The day goes on and I send about a text every couple of hours and nothing. It’s time for bed so I send a good night text hoping he’s had a good day and that he’s doing fine and the like.

The next day, I text him good morning and he finally gets back to me I’m sorry I’m just dealing with some stuff I just need some time. I’m over here thinking the absolute worst thing has happened and I’m understanding about giving him some time. So I go about my day get off of work and get home and I’m thinking to myself what is going on.


So I go to the website we met on and he’s online! I don’t have a problem with him being on there but he’s told me a couple of times since we’ve been taking you’re all I need I don’t need anyone else. That’s great and all so why are you online? Anyways a couple of days go by and nothing. Then on the third day he texts me hey, would you want to get together and talk. I say sure.

So last night I go over and he explains his side of the story. Mind you he knows I’m married and I need to spend time with my husband, he’s very understanding there. So I get to his house and I’m just curious as to why he’s feeling the way he is. This is what he says, I was online because I got to thinking the other day, you have your husband to go home you so why can’t I have someone else here?

He’s never been in a poly relationship before he’s always been one on one that’s what he’s told me he’s always had before. I can understand that while we spend time together after a day or so I’ll go home to my husband. Then at the end of that time he is left alone with nobody to talk to, go to bed with, or whatever the case may be.

He’s told me he’s an over thinker and he’s got a wall put up and just has a hard time trusting anyone. Maybe it’s just out of fear is why he was looking online to have a backup plan or something. I don’t really know I’m still just trying to figure the whole situation out. I’ve had another relationship before this one where I would spend time with a man for a couple of days and come home to my husband and kinda do every other weekend with him and it was great. He also was just seeing me and nobody else and said I was the only one he wanted. Only problem I suppose is he was 4 hours away which I didn’t really have a problem with but I was just trying to find someone closer so that’s where the new one comes into play.

The overall thing I think I’m trying to get an answer to is why say one thing them do another. I don’t have a problem with the new man seeing other people but why say I don’t need anyone but you then start looking for another and from what he says is he wants a live in partner for when I’m away.

I really hope all this makes sense. Thanks in advance to anyone reading!

I’m also still talking to the guy who’s 4 hours away as we haven’t really ended things and I still have feelings for him. It’s just complicated but I don’t want to lead anyone on as I only want to have my husband and a plus 1 so I’m kind of in a bind with that as well. I know at the end of the day it’s my choice I would just like someone else’s opinion on the matter.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello BizarreBrian,

I think your new guy was sincere when he said you were his one and only, what happened is, he changed his mind about that. The four-hours-away guy, I don't know if he still feels you are his one and only? I think it's okay for you to have two partners besides your husband, but maybe you just feel overwhelmed with that many partners. It makes sense in a way for your new guy to find a second partner, if he did, then you wouldn't have to see him as much or as long, and that might free up some of your time to see the four-hours-away guy. Just a thought.

In general, my view of polyamory is that it allows us to conduct our (romantic) relationships without so many rules to follow; that's kind of the whole point. So your new guy is allowed to change his mind about having just one partner, and you are allowed to see both the new guy and the four-hours-away guy. Less rules. That is how I see the situation anyway.

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.

 

[Magdlyn]

Hello all! So for some context, here it goes. I’ve been seeing this new guy for a month now and everything was going great, or so I thought.

The other day I was texting with him, the usual good morning text. I don’t hear anything back from him for a couple of hours. He says, "I’m ok," and I was like, I’m just worried about you, is all, because he usually responds fairly quickly. The day goes on and I send about a text every couple of hours, and nothing. It’s time for bed, so I send a good night text, hoping he’s had a good day...

The next day, I text him good morning and he finally gets back to me: I’m sorry. I’m just dealing with some stuff. I just need some time. I’m over here thinking the absolute worst thing has happened. I’m understanding about giving him some time. So I go about my day, and I’m thinking to myself, what is going on?

It sounds like he was having some second thoughts about being a secondary. He needed some time to think.

So I go to the website we met on and he’s online! I don’t have a problem with him being on there, but he’s told me a couple of times since we’ve been talking: you’re all I need. I don’t need anyone else. That’s great and all, so why are you online? Anyways, a couple of days go by and nothing. Then on the third day he texts me: Hey, would you want to get together and talk? I say sure.

So last night I go over and he explains his side of the story. Mind you, he knows I’m married and I need to spend time with my husband. He’s very understanding there. So I get to his house and I’m just curious as to why he’s feeling the way he is. This is what he says: I was online because I got to thinking the other day, you have your husband to go home to, so why can’t I have someone else here?

He’s never been in a poly relationship before. He’s always been one-on-one. I can understand that. When we spend time together, after a day or so I’ll go home to my husband. Then at the end of that time he is left alone with nobody to talk to, go to bed with, or whatever the case may be.

Since he's never been in a poly relationship before, he had no idea what it would feel like to know that after you leave, you have your husband but he doesn't have someone else. It sounds like he might want to start seeking a 2nd gf, or maybe end up changing his mind and going back to monogamy with a mono woman. I've had this happen to me 2 or 3 times. I've gotten dumped by guys who said they were poly, but ended up leaving me for mono women, someone more, shall we say, marriageable.

He’s told me he’s an over-thinker. He’s got a wall put up and just has a hard time trusting anyone. Maybe just out of fear he was looking online to have a backup plan or something. I don’t really know. I’m still just trying to figure the whole situation out. I’ve had another relationship before this one where I would spend time with a man for a couple of days and come home to my husband. Kinda do every other weekend with him, and it was great. He also was just seeing me and nobody else and said I was the only one he wanted.

That's fine for that guy. I guess you expected the same this time, but your newer bf is feeling differently now that some time has passed.

Only problem is, he is 4 hours away, which I didn’t really have a problem with. But I was just trying to find someone closer, so that’s where the new one comes into play.

The overall thing I think I’m trying to get an answer to is: why say one thing, then do another? I don’t have a problem with the new man seeing other people, but why say I don’t need anyone but you, and then start looking for another? From what he says, he wants a live-in partner for when I’m away.

It's normal to change your mind. It's also common for men to outright lie just to get in a woman's pants. I'm not saying that's the case here, but it does happen.

I’m also still talking to the guy who’s 4 hours away, as we haven’t really ended things and I still have feelings for him. It’s just complicated. But I don’t want to lead anyone on, as I only want to have my husband and a plus 1. So I’m kind of in a bind with that, as well. I know, at the end of the day, it’s my choice. I would just like someone else’s opinion on the matter.

I understand that you want a local bf. I also much much prefer to date people who are at most a 30 minute drive away. It's possible that if things do work out with newer guy, your longer distance relationship might start to peter out, maybe you'll see him less often, or stop altogether. It's OK for relationships to evolve. But if you care for him a lot, he might become what we call comet relationships, where the meetups are great when all the stars align to meet, but it's just not easy to make that happen often.

As for the newer bf, as a secondary, he has his concerns and he may not know what his rights are. Sometimes a secondary thinks they need to do anything their married partner says, since she's got an established relationship as well. But that's not the case. Read this and maybe send him the link too.

More Than Two | Secondary’s Guide