Married couple new to polyamory

[Jjlau22]

Hi, Shelly & Richard of Coral Springs FL here

My husband and I have been together for almost 16 years & we have 3 children together (1boy (14) & 2 girls (12 & 9). Yes we did everything very young. We got together at 15, became parents at 17 & we were married & had just had our 2nd kid by 19.
We are Atheists, gamers, stoners, Miami Heat fans & comic book readers. On our free time we love going to the gym (we do so daily), we also enjoy going for walks (for cardio) at the beach or park, movies, shopping & comic book conventions.
Polyamorous isn't something we've always been interested. In fact up until a few years ago my husband and I had a religious lifestyle. For so many years I struggled with who I was as a person. I couldn't allow myself to accept the fact that I was actually attracted to woman as well as men. For too long I told myself something was wrong with me because of how I felt. Being told since a kid you can only be with 1 person and it has to be a man.
Anyways long story short a few years back I finally accepted something I could no longer lie to myself about. That I am bisexual and there was nothing wrong with me because of it. It's just who I am! Eventually I spoke to my husband about my feelings. Of course he was very accepting. After weeks of much discussion we spoke about trying for a polyamorous relationship and months & months later I found this website. Now here we are....
We hope we can make some friends here and get some useful tips or advice on meeting poly minded people.

 

[Shaya]

That is a very touching story, Shelley. Thank you for sharing.

Welcome to the forums. Your situation is very common. Would your husband be looking for another partner or would it be just you? Would you limit your second partner to be female or would a male be acceptable as well?

If you and your partner have had several months to think about it, then you've probably done a lot of reading. A lot of people have said good things about the book "more than two."

Good luck with the change in direction of your lifestyle and marriage!

 

[kdt26417]

Greetings Jjlau22,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

You may be able to meet poly-minded people by doing a search in your area. Google "Florida polyamory" and see if any local groups turn up. Also I can provide you some links for additional searching if you're interested.

Sounds like you have had quite a journey to get to a poly destination. I hope we can help you here with any questions you may have.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!

 

[Jjlau22]

Hunt baker

After much discussion we've decided to look for a girlfriend for both of us. Not sure which term would be correct but a throuple I think would be the simplest term. We aren't looking to have separate partners because we feel as though that would take too much time away from each other. The time we do get to spend together we cherish and we want to share that with a special woman.

Thanks for the bits of info you guys have provided. I appreciate it and will check it out.

 

[Emm]

we've decided to look for a girlfriend for both of us

Be aware, then, that the planned triad is the least successful form of relationship you can aim for. Triads tend to work well when they're accidental - ie one of you is dating someone with no expectation that they will be anything more than an acquaintance of your existing partner, but they somehow end up involved with each other anyway. By insisting on this you are setting yourself up for failure.

Read So, somebody called you a Unicorn Hunter? for an idea of some of the more obvious pitfalls (the original article on David Noble's site seems to be redirecting somewhere weird, but fortunately there are copies like this one).

 

[Magdlyn]

Be aware, then, that the planned triad is the least successful form of relationship you can aim for. Triads tend to work well when they're accidental - ie one of you is dating someone with no expectation that they will be anything more than an acquaintance of your existing partner, but they somehow end up involved with each other anyway. By insisting on this you are setting yourself up for failure.

Read So, somebody called you a Unicorn Hunter? for an idea of some of the more obvious pitfalls (the original article on David Noble's site seems to be redirecting somewhere weird, but fortunately there are copies like this one).

I agree with this! Triads aren't a threesome, they are 3 Vs stacked up.

You and husband
You and gf
Gf and husband

All 3 relationships need one on one attention to thrive. It wouldn't be fair to expect this hypothetical woman (your unicorn) to only be with both of you at once with no one on one time. It wouldn't be rational to expect her to feel the same degree of affection for each of you. She might feel envy when she goes home, knowing you and h have couple time and she isn't allowed any.

Way too complicated! My ex h and I tried it when we were newbies and it was a disaster. The woman ended up not wanting to have sex with me, and she and my ex h fell in love, and I was left out in the cold. I became severely depressed and had to do therapy and meds.

It seems like the perfect solution, to "share" one person. But it really isn't. Much better idea is you (singular) start to explore women with no expectation for you h to "share" anyone you find. Once that is established and you are stable with you being with someone else, having sex, feeling affection and infatuation (how will that feel? you don't know yet) maybe your h will want to find a woman of his own. Baby steps!

Finding a third to be a shared toy for you and your husband to play with isn't respectful, and indeed, often attracts women with low self esteem.

 

[Shaya]

Hi Jjlau22,

Sorry if these posts have felt a little confronting so far. Please don't be put off. Understand that the senior members here are very experienced polyamorists and have guided hundreds if not thousands of people who are new to polyamory and watched their story unfold into success or into heartbreak. I sense your excitement, but similar stories to yours have been told a hundred times before on this forum and elsewhere on the internet.

I'd like to make a disclaimer that I am not currently polyamorous and have very little experience with polyamory. Maybe that gives me more rapport in feeling where you're coming from.

It seems to me that experienced polyamorists warn that the situation you are looking for is an ideal goal that lots of people who first hear of polyamory crave for. It is a fantasy. A dream. And you know what? It sometimes works. You can aim for it, but temper it with reasonable expectations and the understanding that you're more likely to succeed if you start with a one on one relationship and allow the "throuple" as you describe it, the opportunity to grow on its own without rules or expectations.

In therapy, I get the feeling that couples often ask themselves "what do I get from this relationship?" or "why should I be with you and what do you give me?" It's rare to hear people ask themselves what do they give to their relationship. Extending this to your hypothetical throuple, it seems that the third person is required to add a lot to your existing relationship and be forced as a person to love both of you roughly equally, have sex with both of you roughly equally and not be jealous of the existing affection you both have for each other. It's not an impossible balance, but in reality, it's very delicate and from what I gather, often doesn't work.

Polyamory can still be beautiful without a throuple, and if one develops, please share your story! We'd love to hear of it. Good luck!