Married, fairly new to Poly :)

G

Godiva

New member
I finally took the next step and went from just lurking here to actually joining! Yay! So I thought I should keep on going and introduce myself. First I need to say that it’s kind of overwhelming the different terms or acronyms used to describe everything so my apologies if I’m terrible at using them or using them incorrectly.
I am 44 y/o, female, straight (usually but bi-curious somewhat too), I am married to “Rod” for 11 yrs, together for 12. Combined we have 6 kids (all adults) and we raise one grandson (5 y/o) who is basically a son to us. Rod is 49, male, straight. We have been entirely mono until roughly 2 years ago when we began this journey together and today I consider us to be poly even though we are just recently arrived at having a third. The third is actually someone I knew and dated quite seriously as a teenager/young adult. I’ll call him Sly. Sly and I have stayed in touch off and on over the years and have always acknowledged that we have significant feelings for each other, but have just wanted different things so we stayed friends. So far, this new relationship is in its infancy so I’m not sure how to describe it at the moment. Since I am married to Rod and this new relationship is between myself and Sly only, I guess that makes the hinge in this new vee. (?)
Becoming poly for me was not a real surprising thing. I grew up with a pretty skewed concept of love and struggled a lot with relationships and never really understood why we’re only suppose to have feelings for one person when I could never seem to manage that. Rod and I have an amazing relationship that has always been free of these ideas of possession or ownership that other mono relationships I’ve been have always had. Rod is the least jealous or possessive person I’ve ever known and it took me a long time to actually accept that. Unfortunately, I know I do have some jealous tendencies so before we decided to go far into this poly thing, I decided to explore those tendencies and discover the best way for me to deal with them now… long before they are put to the test! I am a work in progress!
We have “come out” (I’m not overly fond of that term) to our children and they are all supportive for the most part. We don’t really feel the need to be “out” to the entire world since this is our lives and we’ll tell the people we feel need to know when the time presents itself.
While we are fairly new to this, we are going into this with our eyes as wide open as we can and knowing that it isn’t always going to be easy and we will make mistakes along the way. I’ve been doing as much reading on polyamory and other people’s stories and things and together we talk about it all hoping that all of this will help us along the way.
I’m not sure if that’s enough or too much but there you have it! I’m excited to be here and have others to talk to and learn from!
 
Hi Godiva and welcome to the forum! I've been here about seven months now after my wife asked me to consider opening our marriage so that she could explore her resurgent feelings for an old college bf. Ultimately, we managed to do so (link to full story below) - and although poly is still not my first choice (I was quite happily mono), I am now reasonably comfortable in our"mono turned poly" marriage.

And, yes, by the most used terminology (at least on this forum) - you are the hinge in a "V" (your boys are usually called the "legs"of the V). I am also one leg of a V with my wife as the hinge in an MFM V.

I look forward to reading more of your story on the forum - best of luck on your new poly journey! Al
 
Welcome to the forums. A new poly journey can be exciting and challenging. Hopefully, seeing some examples of what others in similar situations have done before may help on your own journey.

Welcome aboard,
Shaya.
 
Hi,
First, welcome to the forum. I'm new here too and have found it really helpful. I hope you will too. I'm seeing a few similarities to our situations.

You said that Rod is the least jealous or possessive person you've ever known and that it look a long time to actually accept that. That's one of the places I'm at right now, accepting that about my husband. If you ever up for it I'd love to know how you came to make peace with it, with the freedom and agency it gives.

I'll say what others have said, good for you for trying to prepare before jumping in. There are books, podcasts, websites, but there's something really special about a group of strangers coming together just to HELP one another. We all probably came here to get help, but end up learning from each other. I'm gushing a bit, but it's true. Welcome.
 
Greetings Godiva,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

It sounds like you have a positive outlook as you begin this poly journey, that is good to hear. I am curious about whether Sly will move in and live with you at some point, not that you should be in a hurry to do that. Glad to hear your kids have been mostly supportive.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
Thanks guys! I hope I'm doing this message board thing right...

So first, I have to say that no, Sly will not ever be moving in with us now or in the future. The short version of why is that he is and always has been the kind of person who is entirely happy and content in his own space and has never/could never live full-time with anyone - relationship or friends or roommates. Also, I am not his only relationship... he's been in a 12 yr "V" relationship with another woman who is living with a mono man. There is a long story that goes with all of this that I hope eventually I'll be able to put down in some understandable fashion but for now, that's the short answer.

As for my husband's lack of jealousy and possessiveness... that was not an easy thing to accept at face value. I was married before to a man who was constantly jealous. If I looked at another man he thought I wanted to sleep with him or that I had already slept with him! I have never in my life cheated in a relationship so being accused of it all the time was very difficult for me. And even though he never cheated on me himself (that I know of), I have been cheated on a lot over the years. So when Rod and I got together, it was very refreshing to have a relationship where I didn't have to be careful of who I looked at or if I looked too long at someone. But Rod had also been cheated on in the past and in far worse ways that I was (his ex-wife & best friend). When he told me he wasn't a jealous person when it came to me, I didn't believe him. It was actually his idea to open our marriage in the first place even though at the time, neither of us had heard of the term polyamory.

Anyway, to avoid a very long story for a very easy answer, I wasn't entirely sure how to believe Rod's insistence that he wasn't jealous until I jumped into the deep end and had sex with Sly! Rod was telling me to do it if the opportunity presented itself and when it did, I took it. But to be entirely honest, in those moments between first kissing Sly and it progressing further, I felt like the most excited criminal on death row! All I could think was how badly I wanted this to happen with Sly and how Rod said I'd be a fool if I didn't but in the bottom of my stomach I thought, if Rod didn't really mean it, then this was the end of everything Rod and I had together! Later on when Rod asked me if I did, I was scared as h*ll to tell him I had, but when I did his response was "it's about time" and he hugged me and was so happy for me! Even then, it took me a bit to wrap my head around it all. And now, I just feel a bit silly that it took me so long to believe him. In all the years we've been together, he's never displayed any jealousy over anything. We have even talked a great length countless times about how loving each other means doing whatever it takes to make the other happy and support them doing what makes them happy... and how loving each other doesn't mean owning them or controlling them. Even writing this makes me feel bad that I took so long to get here... but I don't know if I could have gotten here any other way. Unfortunately, I do have jealous tendencies so the first thing I did once realizing this, was started reading everything I could about jealousy and writing down my feelings and really working towards understanding and preparing myself to be able to deal with jealous feelings when they do inevitably come up. I figured that this was the very least I could do - not just for him, but for myself as well. I'm a work in progress but I remind myself all the time that my loving Sly has never changed or diminished my love for Rod, so why should it if either of them love someone else too.

Sorry, that was more long-winded than I planned but I often get carried away.

Thanks again for the warm welcome! I'm looking forward to reading everyone's stories and learning more and being a part of this!!
 
I have a lot of respect for Rod. Sounds like an amazing man I would love to meet and learn from. I am really curious as to how he handles his jealousy.

Not saying there is and certainly not meaning to insult, but I'm really curious what Rod feels he gets from this other than your happiness. Is there a cuckold or hot wife fetish? And you don't have to tell. I was just smiling my ass off with your beautiful story and got curious.
 
Thanks for sharing that, Godiva. It sounds like you have an excellent situation there with Rod and Sly.
 
Shaya said:
Not saying there is and certainly not meaning to insult, but I'm really curious what Rod feels he gets from this other than your happiness. Is there a cuckold or hot wife fetish? And you don't have to tell. I was just smiling my ass off with your beautiful story and got curious.
Click to expand...

No worries! I'll have to ask Rod if he can explain better himself exactly what he feels he gets. As for fetish... I don't think I'd go so far as to say there is a fetish or if there is, any particular fetish. He's always said he'd love to see me with another man, but I'm not particularly interested in being watched - participating, sure, but not watching for whatever reason.

I'll also admit, that afterwards I did expect things to maybe be a bit awkward or off between Rod and I, but it had the exact opposite effect! Our sex life has taken on entirely new dimensions and has been absolutely amazing! I'm trying not to analyze too much about the whys of that... I'm just taking it as what it is.
 
As for fetish... I don't think I'd go so far as to say there is a fetish or if there is, any particular fetish. He's always said he'd love to see me with another man, but I'm not particularly interested in being watched - participating, sure, but not watching for whatever reason.

I'll also admit, that afterwards I did expect things to maybe be a bit awkward or off between Rod and I, but it had the exact opposite effect! Our sex life has taken on entirely new dimensions and has been absolutely amazing!
Click to expand...

As I've written about before, Becky and I had much the same experience. Quite unexpectedly, Becky discovered that it excited her to tell me about her experiences with her bf - and I, also unexpectedly, found it arousing to hear about them. It seems to be almost a paradox - but not really uncommon, as this subject is covered in both "Opening Up' and "The Ethical Slut" - the sexual energy created by the NRE feeding back to the primary couple. I think this is quite different than what is generally considered to be the "Cuckold-Hot Wife" fetish - which is usually considered to be linked to to submission-humiliation (which is absolutely fine if that is one's kink) - but I think for a number of poly couples - just the idea of their partner having sex with someone else and then returning to their bed to tell the sexy story is arousing in and of itself.

I wrote a more detailed comment on this subject on page 2 of this thread:

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=87864&page=2

Al
 
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I agree with Al,

One view is that the NRE from the new relationship spills over into your old relationship. Another view is that you're just generally happier and with more sex on your mind, so already turned on and ready to go. A third view is that your old relationship enters a version 2, so to speak, and because of the newness of version two, it is in some ways a new relationship as well so it gets some NRE of its own.

Number 1 and 3 resonated most strongly with my relationship but I expect everyone to be different.
 
Godiva said:
Rod and I have an amazing relationship that has always been free of these ideas of possession or ownership that other mono relationships I’ve been have always had. Rod is the least jealous or possessive person I’ve ever known and it took me a long time to actually accept that. Unfortunately, I know I do have some jealous tendencies so before we decided to go far into this poly thing, I decided to explore those tendencies and discover the best way for me to deal with them now… long before they are put to the test! I am a work in progress!
Click to expand...

Welcome, Godiva. I am also new to the forum and relatively new to polyamory itself (last 1-2 years).

I am another who can relate to your experience of struggling to understand and accept your husband's lack of possessiveness.

When I first became involved with my now-fiancé and primary male partner, J, I was still living with my husband. When I questioned J about how he could stand to know about - let alone encourage me! - to have sex with my husband (no, he didn't want to know details - it wasn't about kink) he told me doesn't "do much jealousy" and finds over-possessive, proprietorial attitudes among people who claim to love each other unpalatable, even dangerous.

I myself have never been overly jealous or possessive and have never been one to interrogate my SOs about the nature of their activities with others of any gender, despite being cheated on in the past by my first love in the worst way.

That said, it came as quite a shock to realise just how unconcerned J was about such matters. Frankly, I had a hard time NOT interpreting it as lack of "appropriate" level of love and caring towards me when he would tell me to "be nice to your husband/enjoy date night" on the rare weekends hubby was home.

Later, when J was my sole partner but I'd begun to develop feelings for a former partner of his, B (my current female co-primary), he happily gave me his blessing to pursue a relationship with her, although he has never identified as poly and that was NOT the basis upon which we entered the relationship. In the year plus that I've been dating the both of them, J has never shown a moment's jealousy over my feelings for B, nor has he been overly interested in having me share "sexy" details of our love life.

I'm glad you decided to share your story, Godiva, and would also be interested to know what steps you are taking to "practise" having to deal with your own tendency towards jealousy? I ask, because my attitude is also more akin to yours than your husband's open-minded unconcern.

I've recently suffered quite a lot from insecurity and jealousy when my poly-V attempted to broaden into an inclusive poly-fi triad. In preparation for witnessing my partners making love to each other for the first time, I tried to "desensitise" myself by sharing detailed sexual fantasies involving we three and/or my two partners together, as well as taking the middle-ground step of conducting threeway cyber sessions.

Of course we read a lot on the subject of how to deal with jealousy and I thought we were well prepared, however to my cost, I found that nothing can actually lessen the gut-wrench that comes with seeing your loved one/s actually engaging in sexual intimacy, even if intercourse itself isn't involved. Therefore I get your reluctance at this stage to be "watched". Not everybody considers sexual activity to be either a spectator sport or something to share between more than those who are in love.
 
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Thank you for sharing your situation and for your question. Naturally reading is a big part of how I began dealing with my jealousy issues but theory and practice are two very different things!
I began making a list of all the things I felt jealous over… not just in regards to my husband, but also in regards to Sly and even the stupid little things. There is a lot to be said for just being able to be honest with myself that it is, in fact, jealousy I’m feeling. The more I paid attention, the more I recognized it for what it was… and the more I talked to Rod about it (even the stupid things). Talking has also made it easier to deal with. When I talk about it, I don’t want Rod to fix anything for me or really, even to reassure me… I want to say what happened, what it made me feel, and then say how I know I shouldn’t be jealous over “X” because… “XYZ”. For example, I felt a little jealous when Rod spent his Saturday morning on the phone with a long distance woman who has shown interest in him. I thought to myself “how foolish to feel jealous when I talk to Sly on the phone and Rod never bats an eye”. But I also remind myself that Rod having feelings for or being intimate with someone else does not change a single thing about how he feels for me. I have never believed that idea that if he loves someone else, he can’t love me or he won’t have enough love left for me. I truly believe that love breeds love… to an infinite amount. I just need to remind myself that I’m not going to lose anything… I’m going to gain.
At this point in time, Rod does not have a girlfriend besides the woman I mentioned and she lives quite a distance away so Rod is hesitant to get too involved with her for that reason. So perhaps once I’m faced with a relationship that is closer to home and one he does invest himself into much more, I might have to (will have to) work a lot harder to deal with jealous feelings. But I think that it’s worth the work and he is worth the work. When it comes to jealous feelings with Sly… I’ve had them, but because this stage of our relationship is still rather new and a lot of things in are in transition still, I’m having a harder time identifying them so I do my best to just take it as it comes and trust in what I feel and know.
I also think it’s worth mentioning that while I don’t have a problem if I were to see Rod showing affection towards another woman, we don’t plan to be sexually intimate with someone else in front of each other.
I hope that helps some.:D
 
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