Married man needing advice for his wife’s happiness

MarkEJ

New member
Hello all. I need some unusual advice for a situation that most “normal” people don’t seem capable of comprehending. I’m new to all this so please bare with me as I try to explain, in great detail...

I’ve been married to my wonderful wife for 10 years. Since early in our relationship, even before we were married, I knew she had alternative sexual tendencies. Specifically, she likes girls. This is fine with me. In fact, it’s more than fine, I love it. She has had very few same sex encounters since we’ve been together. I love how she shimmers and glows with an utterly beautiful bubbly energy for a short time after those rare moments. However, she often gets close but then pulls back just before engaging with someone in whom she’s interested. When I question her about her feelings, she denies having them at all. In fact, she’s all but blocked out the two I was present for and know she had. I worry there’s some psychological block preventing her from admitting her true sexuality. I’ve tried to remain patient, but I worry this may fester into something toxic further down the road. I believe I’ve made my feelings clear on the matter, and even told her “I don’t have to know about it, just enjoy exploring who you are”. To be clear: I’m not expecting or searching for a threesome with her and a girlfriend. Yes, it would be lovely, I am a hetero-normative male after all... but I just want my wife to be happy and fulfilled. So I don’t believe I am the reason she holds back.

We are both spiritual but not religious. However, we both grew up in similar religious households whose views are a bit ridged when is comes to sexuality and expected roles of marriage. We live in a rural area of America that is part of the Bible Belt. It is my belief that these factors are at the source of her trepidation.

If there is anyone with a similar situation who may offer some advice on how I may encourage her to go forth in her personal sexual fulfillment, it would be greatly appreciated.
 
It's nice that you want your wife to become actualized in her sexuality.

Hello all. I need some unusual advice for a situation that most “normal” people don’t seem capable of comprehending. I’m new to all this, so please bear with me as I try to explain.

I’ve been married to my wonderful wife for 10 years. Since early in our relationship, even before we were married, I knew she had alternative sexual tendencies. Specifically, she likes girls.

This is fine with me. In fact, it’s more than fine, I love it.

It turns you on?

She has had very few same sex encounters since we’ve been together. I love how she shimmers and glows with an utterly beautiful bubbly energy for a short time after those rare moments.

However, she often gets close, but then pulls back, just before engaging with someone in whom she’s interested. When I question her about her feelings, she denies having them at all. In fact, she’s all but blocked out the two I was present for and know she had.

You watched her have sex with 2 women? Or you participated? Is there a chance your wife feels that you're encouraging her FF activities for your own sexual gratification?

Could you just leave yourself out of her sex life, unless it involves you directly? That is, between the 2 of you. If she's ambivalent, your pressure might make her even more resistant, not encouraged, if she suspects your motives are self-gratification.

I worry there’s some psychological block preventing her from admitting her true sexuality. I’ve tried to remain patient, but I worry this may fester into something toxic further down the road.

Her desire for women may fester and become toxic? How? If she doesn't want to be poly, she might be fine being bi and monogamous. Most of us are bi and poly at heart (wired that way) but that doesn't mean we have to act on it.

Do you also want to date other women? I don't understand why this situation requires "patience" on your part. It's not really your business, is it?

I believe I’ve made my feelings clear on the matter, and even told her, “I don’t have to know about it, just enjoy exploring who you are." To be clear: I’m not expecting or searching for a threesome with her and a girlfriend. Yes, it would be lovely, I am a hetero-normative male after all... but I just want my wife to be happy and fulfilled. So I don’t believe I am the reason she holds back.

If you don't need to know about it, why not just stop asking her about it then? Do you not trust her to meet her own "needs" or desires?

We are both spiritual, but not religious. However, we both grew up in similar religious households, whose views are a bit rigid when is comes to sexuality and expected roles of marriage. We live in a rural area of America that is part of the Bible Belt. It is my belief that these factors are at the source of her trepidation.

If there is anyone with a similar situation who may offer some advice on how I may encourage her to go forth in her personal sexual fulfillment, it would be greatly appreciated.

If you're still in a conservative area, she might be hurt if she tries to date women. If you two live in a more progressive area now, she probably knows where she can find other bi or lesbian women.

Maybe she is still worried you really want a FMF threesome, or that you'd want to date other women if she started doing it.

I'd step back and only discuss this if she brings it up.
 
Welcome.

I guess I'm wondering if this is a problem, why isn't she the one writing about it?

How is this a problem for you?

However, she often gets close but then pulls back just before engaging with someone in whom she’s interested.

That is her choice, right? Esp given where you live... maybe she figures holding off on that is safer. Hate crimes can and do happen. Do you have plans to stay in this region?

When I question her about her feelings, she denies having them at all. In fact, she’s all but blocked out the two I was present for and know she had.

If this is an area of her life she doesn't want to deal in right now, why not respect her choice? Maybe those experiences are all past for her and she's not choosing to pursue more partners right now.

I worry there’s some psychological block preventing her from admitting her true sexuality.

What block? Sounds like she told you she was bisexual when you all were dating. So she was honest.

Now she's bi and married to you in a monogamous marriage. Maybe she wants to remain monogamous to you and not pursue other women. Just because one is bisexual doesn't automatically make them poly.

I’ve tried to remain patient, but I worry this may fester into something toxic further down the road.

What "toxic" thing do you fear will happen? Divorce? Something else?

I believe I’ve made my feelings clear on the matter, and even told her “I don’t have to know about it, just enjoy exploring who you are”.

Do you realize that while you may think of "I don’t have to know about it, just enjoy exploring who you are” as "being generous" -- other people with a different love style may take it negatively? Like here they are offering you their love and devotion and you are like "yeah, whatevs" so they feel hurt or like you are pushing away what they offer?

Does she take it that way?

And if you have made yourself clear, why not leave the ball in her court? And be ok with it if she chooses NOT to exercise that option?

I just want my wife to be happy and fulfilled. So I don’t believe I am the reason she holds back.

What makes you think she isn't happy and fulfilled now?

What makes you think you hold her back?

Galagirl
 
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Greetings MarkEJ,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

It sounds like your wife has some kind of psychological block preventing her from admitting her true sexuality. This block is preventing her from enjoying considerable happiness, and it may fester into something toxic further down the road. To prevent that from happening, she should start seeing a sex therapist, to help her understand that she needs to just get out there and enjoy exploring who she really is. She likes girls, and that is okay. Also I think it is commendable that you are okay with that part of her sexuality, in fact you even encourage it, and that is awesome. Perhaps the fact that you live in a rural part of the Bible Belt is what is causing her reluctance/resistance. Have you ever thought about moving to a more liberal/progressive region? You can find some good suggestions of places to move to at http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?p=295157

Now is the time to nip this thing in the bud; don't wait for it to grow into something more serious. You know that she likes girls, and you are very generous about letting her explore that part of her sexuality. You even rejoice in the happiness she feels after she is with a woman. That is called compersion on your part, and it is a rare virtue to see in this very monogamous world. Let her know that you support her 100% in what she wants to do, and that you will do whatever it takes to make her comfortable in exploring it. Anyway those are some of my suggestions.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

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Apparently people don't get it here either...lol. What I am seeing is that you have experienced compersion at seeing your wife be happy fulfilling that part of her sexuality. What concerns you is that she is seeming to block it out now. You are worried that repressing that part of herself may lead to problems down the road. Obviously there is some inner turmoil going on with her, right? I mean, she didn't tell you she thought about it, tried it, and decided she didn't like it, right? If she did that it would be reasonable. If not, maybe she should seek out a therapist to help her through it.

ETA: it looks like Kevin and I had the same idea at the same time lol
 
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Thank you both for your kind replies. You’ve given me a lot to think about.

Part of the problem may simply be in the insecurity of my own mind. Yes, I worry that because I know she is interested in more and feels unable to attain it that it may ultimately lead to dissatisfaction and divorce. Or worse, her acceptance of living in perpetual unhappiness. And no, she did not admit to me about her bisexuality, in fact still does not. It was something I divined by paying close attention. Yes, later I watched 1 encounter and partook in another, and both we’re by her initiation and according to rules she set. Yet later she denied those experiences happened at all. One reason I worry that she is unfulfilled now is that she lacks that shimmer (hard to describe, like overflowing giddiness) I spoke of earlier. It has been quite some time. I worry that she’s not getting what she needs to be happy. I haven’t broached the topic with her in three years or more. This is the patience I talk about. But I can tell the way she feels by how she looks at certain women. I can even point out her type. I can absolutely exclude myself if that’s what she needs. And no, I have little interest in other women. As I age I feel like I’m becoming almost A-sexual. Not disinterested exactly yet, but certainly not the eager beaver I was in my youth. I’m worried that she isn’t trying because of social restraints. Should we move? She travels the country frequently and could have whomever she chooses without fear of discovery. I don’t think she takes it as “yeah what evs”. In fact, upon that proclamation she literally exhaled a sigh of relief. But that was several years ago. I guess I just needed assurance that I was doing the right thing by not bothering her about all this. My concern was that I was holding her back because of some marital programming received in early development. But from your responses it sounds like I’m doing the right thing by leaving her alone and letting her come to her own conclusion. I guess I’m not being as patient as I thought. I will try to be better for her.

Thank you again.
 
@Kevin: I haven’t the foggiest idea where to find a sex therapist. Not to mention what that might cost. I know, love shouldn’t have a price tag, but I am a humble man of humble means. I will look. Thank you for the suggestion.
 
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If there's no sex therapists in your area, perhaps you could find one who would do counseling sessions by Zoom or Skype? If not, maybe just a regular therapist would work. Or you could look at the self-help section of your local bookstore.

Perhaps the thing to say to your wife, is, "I don't mean to pressure you, I just worry that maybe you're not enjoying everything that life has to offer. I know I'm not the eager beaver I was in my youth, and maybe that's part of what makes me worry. Will you just promise me that if there is something you want to pursue, you will pursue it?" Something along those lines.

I can't promise you that my suggestions are the greatest, or maybe they don't apply to your particular situation. Just kind of throwing ideas out there, and maybe you'll find one or two that could be of help. Good luck and keep us posted.
 
Thank you both for your kind replies. You’ve given me a lot to think about.

Part of the problem may simply be in the insecurity of my own mind. Yes, I worry that because I know she is interested in more and feels unable to attain it that it may ultimately lead to dissatisfaction and divorce. Or worse, her acceptance of living in perpetual unhappiness. And no, she did not admit to me about her bisexuality, in fact still does not. It was something I divined by paying close attention. Yes, later I watched 1 encounter and partook in another, and both we’re by her initiation and according to rules she set. Yet later she denied those experiences happened at all. One reason I worry that she is unfulfilled now is that she lacks that shimmer (hard to describe, like overflowing giddiness) I spoke of earlier. It has been quite some time. I worry that she’s not getting what she needs to be happy. I haven’t broached the topic with her in three years or more. This is the patience I talk about. But I can tell the way she feels by how she looks at certain women. I can even point out her type. I can absolutely exclude myself if that’s what she needs. And no, I have little interest in other women. As I age I feel like I’m becoming almost A-sexual. Not disinterested exactly yet, but certainly not the eager beaver I was in my youth. I’m worried that she isn’t trying because of social restraints. Should we move? She travels the country frequently and could have whomever she chooses without fear of discovery. I don’t think she takes it as “yeah what evs”. In fact, upon that proclamation she literally exhaled a sigh of relief. But that was several years ago. I guess I just needed assurance that I was doing the right thing by not bothering her about all this. My concern was that I was holding her back because of some marital programming received in early development. But from your responses it sounds like I’m doing the right thing by leaving her alone and letting her come to her own conclusion. I guess I’m not being as patient as I thought. I will try to be better for her.

Thank you again.

All of this is problematic as hell.

Please let people decide their sexuality for themselves
 
Thank you for more info.

Part of the problem may simply be in the insecurity of my own mind.

What do you need to be more secure in your own mind?

Yes, I worry that because I know she is interested in more and feels unable to attain it that it may ultimately lead to dissatisfaction and divorce.

If neither of you wants to divorce? Why dwell on it rather than enjoy your marriage now? It's like you are cranking your own self up about it. Is that what is going on?

Dissatisfaction and divorce are not FUN things but they don't have to be toxic. Where is your fearfulness coming from?

Or worse, her acceptance of living in perpetual unhappiness.

Have you actually asked her if she's unhappy being married to you?

And no, she did not admit to me about her bisexuality, in fact still does not. It was something I divined by paying close attention. Yes, later I watched 1 encounter and partook in another, and both we’re by her initiation and according to rules she set. Yet later she denied those experiences happened at all.

Thank you for clarifying.

So at some point you guys tried some group sex that she set up. Sounds like she doesn't want to do that any more.

You tell her you are ok if she pursues relationships outside the marriage and you don't have to know. Ok then. Leave it alone. Up to her if she pursues or not.

One reason I worry that she is unfulfilled now is that she lacks that shimmer (hard to describe, like overflowing giddiness) I spoke of earlier. It has been quite some time. I worry that she’s not getting what she needs to be happy. I haven’t broached the topic with her in three years or more.

If you guys have some kind of Don't Ask, Don't Tell agreements, maybe she broke up with a partner recently and that's why the sparkle has dimmed? But she's not gonna talk about it with you because DADT?

You guys don't sound like you talk a whole lot. If you need reassurance she's happy with the marriage, how about setting anything with DADT partners (potential or otherwise to the side? And just ask her about the part that involves you more directly?

How about asking her directly if she's happy in this marriage? And gif she gets what she needs from the marriage/you? Rather than dancing around it and trying to "fix it from the side" without actually talking to her?

As I age I feel like I’m becoming almost A-sexual. Not disinterested exactly yet, but certainly not the eager beaver I was in my youth.

Is that why she's lost her sparkle? Sex between you and her has declined?

It starts to sound like...

"I feel insecure in this marriage. I'm scared you will divorce me because our sex life is taking a dive. I'm afraid I am not enough for you. I'm going to encourage you to see other people for your sex life, and then you will still keep me around and not divorce me because I'm trying to take care of that for you."

Is that it?

I’m worried that she isn’t trying because of social restraints. Should we move? She travels the country frequently and could have whomever she chooses without fear of discovery.

Again, if she has opportunity and she chooses to pursue? She knows it's ok with you. She can also choose NOT to pursue. Why is that part not ok with you?

Why are you having a hard time letting her choice to make be HER choice to make?

I guess I just needed assurance that I was doing the right thing by not bothering her about all this.

How about asking your wife that directly?

"Wife, I wanted to check in. We haven't spoken about it a few years. I need reassurance on some things:
1) Am I doing the right thing in not bothering you any more about you dating outside the marriage?
2) Are you happy in the marriage with me? "

My concern was that I was holding her back because of some marital programming received in early development.

If something is holding her back from her programming, it's stuff inside her and stuff for her to deal with.

It's not your job to "fix" your wife.

Galagirl
 
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All of this is problematic as hell.

Please let people decide their sexuality for themselves

In light of this new info, I have to agree. The first post insinuated that the wife came out as bi. Now it seems she went along with a threesome and is no longer interested. My initial assessment was incorrect.
 
So long, and thanks for all the fish.

I appreciate all the sound advice and detailed analysis. Most of it was very helpful in allowing me to see from another perspective. I have nothing to worry about. Now, if someone could kindly direct me how to delete this account.
 
I appreciate all the sound advice and detailed analysis. Most of it was very helpful in allowing me to see from another perspective. I have nothing to worry about. Now, if someone could kindly direct me how to delete this account.

You can't delete your account. Just stop coming here, if you feel like everything is perfect now.

You're welcome for the fish!
 
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