May seem silly, but a kiss is a kiss

Why do you want to stay with him? I'm asking in all seriousness because I cannot imagine being in a relationship with someone who forgets I'm there, head trauma or not. Please don't say it's because you love him - love is not enough. Most of us have had the experience of loving people who are not good for us. There has to be better reasons than that. So, I'm curious to see what, exactly, you feel you gain from being in this relationship.
 
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I can imagine I would stay with someone who forgets my name or whatever, if he was kind otherwise, but really, from all those examples and from the rest of the writing it almost seems he preferes his other gf over OP, and is just staying with OP because of the things she provides him with (he conveniently isn't rushing to get his own place), and because the other gf is partnered and cannot offer much company.
 
nycindie said:
Why do you want to stay with him? I'm asking in all seriousness because I cannot imagine being in a relationship with someone who forgets I'm there, head trauma or not. Please don't say it's because you love him - love is not enough. Most of us have had the experience of loving people who are not good for us. There has to be better reasons than that. So, I'm curious to see what, exactly, you feel you gain from being in this relationship? Would you mind making a list? Afterwards, I'll share what I think all healthy, nurturing relationships need in order to thrive, if you're interested.
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I would like to see it. In truth, he is a lot better to me than I've experienced previously, and seen exampled in earlier life. I know that doesn't sound good, but actually that is important.

As I wrote that list down, I started asking myself why I'm with him, because in bullet form like that, it really doesn't look good. But... when I do look at his actions outside of this list... No, he isn't perfect, neither am I. He has f*7ked up majorly, but what he has done after those times is he's tried to make things right, not by doing the "Sorry babe, have some flowers" thing either. He has for example started to text me more about what his plans are, so I don't end up being left somewhere again. He's taking pics of us doing things together, so that he can remember our history better. He is recognising how he hurt me by early on treating me certain ways, and he's stopped doing those things. He's apologised, and I believe him.

And I know this may sound silly, but when I see these things, I have hope. And I do love him, but not just in a <3's and "ooo he makes me feel squishy" sort of way. The love I feel for him is compassionate, and gritty, and playful, and animalistic, and "just curling up watching anime together". As I said, I've known him 7 years, seen a lot of his troubles. He is an alchoholic, but he chose to stop hiding in a bottle 2 years ago, and change his lifestyle - that takes strength. He works at it everyday, to improve himself and his life. He's started a degree in an area that he's passionate about, and while he finds aspects difficult due to the head injuries, he is still working at it. I admire that, because so many others don't fight like that.

And yes, I do believe he loves me too. That list shows f*3ked up stuff. But he goes to work as well as studying, and tries to help all of us out by putting food on our tables. He has been there to help my family during times of crisis, and has been there at other times when I needed support.

Truth is, this situation isn't simple. If he was just using me, and contributing nothing, he wouldn't be in my life anymore. But the fact is, he does contribute physically, emotionally and spiritually. And when he screws up, he really does feel like shit about it.
 
Hi sonyablu,

What about the idea of no kissing at all when the three of you are together? The V I'm in rolls that way, and it doesn't bother us, so, that's why I suggest it.

It bothers me that he calls you stupid. He shouldn't be doing that, period. It's very uncool.

Can I ask, how did he get that head injury? Just wondering ...

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
The V I'm in rolls that way, and it doesn't bother us, so, that's why I suggest it.
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I hadn't thought of that sort of option. Thanks

Can I ask, how did he get that head injury? Just wondering
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There's a few, mostly involving knocks to the head being drunk as a teenager. But he remembers an incident with him cracking his head on a rock slab, when he was a kid. That left him bleeding and dazzed. And another that he doesn't remember the actual incident for, but he was younger so was definately a different event. In that situation he remembers his head was bleeding and being at the A&E.

He definitely has significant attention issues - hyperfocus, task switching difficulties; as well as significant memory issues - primarily in recall of episodic memory
 
Hmmm. Sounds like a number of injuries that have added up over the years.
 
Forget the poly situation for a second. Would this be okay with you in a mono situation? Breaking dates with you and going with a friend to the same movie; calling you stupid; reluctamce around kissing?

Have you read up on couple privilege? Hierarchy? I know technically you are the same age, but it seems possible that their relationship gets regularly protected at the expense of your own. Are you expected to do all the flexing and accomodating still, not just with the schedule? If the shoe were on the other foot- he was shy about kissing her in front of you, how would he handle it? How would you? Do they give you that courtesy?


Is your comfort important to him? Important enough to act on and listen and change?
 
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And second set of questions- how is your relationship with yourself going? Is your comfort important to you? Are you willing to bring something up even when it's uncomfortable and repeated -repeated offenses are not your responsibility to tolerate; it's shared responsibility to change or negotiate some resolution. So you only work with fair deals? (Fair doesn't mean equal treatment, always, but it does mean equal opportunity.). Is he putting in work thy feels proportional, and are you willing to stop putting in and give him space to feel he needs to if it's not? Is your relationship to yourself hurt or helped by this situation? Are you willing to walk away out of self respect if you need to?

Those are harder questions. Nothing wrong with you if some (or even all) are works in progress. But that's, I think, where change in dynamics comes from.
 
Let me understand. Your bf lives with you. He is supposed to get his own place, but is procrastinating. His OW is married and lives with her husband, and doesn't host him at her place. So whenever your bf wants to see OW, it's at YOUR place, where he tends to ignore you, and treats you like a second class citizen (won't kiss you, etc.).

This is screwed up.

Give him a deadline. He needs to get his own place, stat. Then you won't need to share space with OW, and can finally just enjoy him one on one, and so can she!

I always host my bf here, my shared house with my gf. But when he visits, it's usually just for 4 hours or so. And my gf does step back and let us enjoy each other. But I certainly kiss and hug her nicely when he's here, if I get a chance. And he doesn't stay long... If he was here for a whole weekend, say, I'd give them both equal attention. If we go out as a threesome, I try to be a good hinge.

Your bf isn't being a good hinge. Not kissing you in front of OW is probably meant to reduce her envy or something. But it thereby increases yours.

If he won't see the problem, kick him out.
 
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