Maybe I'm a nester???

[Josie]

So I joined this forum around 7 years ago, entirely new to poly, and have been on quite a journey since then.

Originally I was very reluctant about poly, and unsure, but over time grew to enjoy it. When my first poly relationship(s) ended, I went back to monogamy but it didn't feel right. I started to panic that neither poly or monogamy worked for me. I later ended up being in a triad with two people I loved dearly. It was going pretty well, and then we moved in together, and things started to go downhill.

My home life was very chaotic (my partners both had mental health issues, my girlfriend in particular also had a chronic illness that really affected her also). And I'm autistic with my own mental health issues.

I found myself retreating from my relationships, until my partners started to feel more like 'That couple I lived with'.

And the thing is, at this point I'd really worked out my previous insecurities, I was no longer jealous, and was really enjoying the compersion I felt for my partners. So that stuff wasn't an issue really.

I think it was the scheduled home time. I really need to feel safe and comfortable at home. I generally need to feel supported and like I am allowed to just feel what I'm feeling (this is in general, with housemates as well as partners)

But I also hate the idea of prioritising my needs above others. So if my partner needed something, but so did I, I'd always want them to be supported before/instead of me. But this distanced myself from my partners over time.

I'm not great at asking for things for myself, but have done loads of improvement on it. I don't think I'm ever going to be someone who is good at actively demanding the things I need. But it felt like that was the only way I would have been able to have my needs met.

So, anyway, I left those relationships and met a guy who was monogamous. This is my current partner of two years. He is the most supportive, non-judgemental person I have ever met. He is so reliable and caring. I never have to demand anything, I rarely even have to ask, he just can tell when I'm in need. We barely ever argue, because we're both people who would pretty much always prefer to have a civil discussion where we both present our needs and come up with something mutually beneficial. It's great.

But. I feel myself wanting other relationships, other people. It feels so disingenuous to me to constantly resist the feeling s I'm having for other people. And I feel so guilty about it.

About half a year ago, I was drunkenly talking to a friend about it, and about my preferences, and they said 'So, you're a Nester?'

I had never heard that term before, and they said it was someone who preferred having a nesting partner who they could live with, share the general domestic life with, but would have other relationship structures with other people as well.

Kind of blew my mind. Didn't know that was I thing I was allowed to want.

I've been taking time to think over my preferences, and I think my ideal would be to have just 1 person that I do the living with, and eventual kids and such. As I find many people all living with me too chaotic. But would like to have loving relationships with other people, just with a different structure.

Unfortunately I have come to this realisation whilst in the middle of a monogamous relationship with someone I really love and want a future with. So I'm not really sure what to do. I know I need to talk to him, but am posting here first to build my confidence.

Does anyone have a setup similar to what I've described? Do people have any advice?

(Not interested in people judging me, or calling me a bad person because of my preferences, have had some bad experiences of that in here before)

 

[River]

About half a year ago, I was drunkenly talking to a friend about it, and about my preferences, and they said 'So, you're a Nester?'

I had never heard that term before, and they said it was someone who preferred having a nesting partner who they could live with, share the general domestic life with, but would have other relationship structures with other people as well.

I suspect this is an idiosyncratic usage of "nester," rather than a conventional usage. In more conventional usage, when a 'nester' is a person, he or she is someone who likes to make a nice, comfy home for one's self and spend a lot of time at home. They are less interested in travel, socializing in public, and stuff like that. Home life is more important to them than getting out in the world and mingling with others.

One can be a 'nester' in relationship with another, or others, too. Of course. But I don't think 'nester' means that you prefer to have one person at home and another, or others, outside of home.

Anyway, it sounds like your partner is a really good, strong match for you. I encourage you to talk with him about your thoughts and feelings about opening things up. Keep us posted.

 

[lunabunny]

About half a year ago, I was drunkenly talking to a friend about it, and about my preferences, and they said 'So, you're a Nester?'

I had never heard that term before, and they said it was someone who preferred having a nesting partner who they could live with, share the general domestic life with, but would have other relationship structures with other people as well.

Kind of blew my mind. Didn't know that was I thing I was allowed to want.

I've never heard the term "nester" used in this context before either.

It sounds to me that what you're really after is a primary/secondary arrangement, with your primary also being your "nesting partner" or NP, and another person or people outside the home, with whom you also have intimate/romantic relationships, filling a secondary role.

The primary/secondary model is very common in polyamory. Some see it as hierarchical by nature, and shun it for that reason. But as long as everyone involved accepts and is happy with the terms, I don't see it as being a problem per se.

However, ANY kind of non-monogamous relationship may be a problem for you, given your current mono relationship structure. It's understandable that you'd be nervous about broaching the topic with your partner since they sound "perfect" for you, and clearly this isn't a relationship you are prepared to risk.

How much does your partner know and understand about poly, Josie? Does he know you used to be involved with multiple people at the same time, and if so, what views has he expressed about that (if any)?

Personally, I'd start off by introducing the IDEA of poly in general discussion, in order to gauge where your partner stands on the subject, before you hit him with "I want to be with other people too". If this is someone you're living with (or plan to) and are thinking about having children with, his consent and acceptance will be vital before you ever attempt to connect with others on an intimate level (obviously).

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Josie,

It sounds like you have discovered the kind of relationship you want, and it is a poly relationship, a particular kind of relationship, a relationship where you live with one partner, and have (an) other partner/s outside that home. If this is true, I would definitely say you are a nester.

So now maybe you are looking for the right words to say to your current partner, that would convince him to enter into a poly arrangement with you. I don't know what those words would be, but maybe the conversation could start with you saying, "Honey, I think I am a nester. Can we talk about that?" and go on to explain what a nester is.

I don't think there's anything wrong with the style of poly you want, it is just one of many shapes of poly. What you need to figure out now, is whether your current partner is a match for you. If he is hardwired for monogamy, he may not be a match. You may get his reluctant consent, but it may fester over the years and turn into a resentment. You have to consider that possibility.

Overall I think you are just in the process of realizing what you want in life; you could not have known this when you first got together with your current partner. Now you have to figure out where to go in the future. Your partner is a wonderful man and has been good to you in many ways, but you may need a different partner in the future. You will have to talk with your current partner about poly, and make your decision based on how that talk goes. And be open to the possibility that you may need to do a number of talks with him over an extended period of time. I hope you and he can work something out together, an amicable separation if nothing else.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[FallenAngelina]

Does anyone have a setup similar to what I've described? Do people have any advice?

This is the most common poly situation, but there's no word for it like "nester" (that I know of.) I know several poly couples IRL who are in this configuration. I have been the GF of a poly man who was married and I loved it.

My advice is that not everyone in the situation has to be poly, but everyone has to be happy about poly. And just because someone is monogamous doesn't mean that he can't come to understand and love poly. Most people don't even know that it's an option, just as you are/were not sure that you're "allowed" to have a domestic partner and a BF at the same time. With love, all things are possible - something that life continues to show me every single day. It's astounding what all we can have in our lives when we choose to turn from fear and keep our hearts open. The trouble I see others (and sometimes myself) running into is when they choose fear over love. I find it helpful to remember that we always have a choice between these.