I always thought I would be the one to find a female or couple that wanted a relationship and I wouldn’t have to deal with jealousy as they would love me from the start.
I think it's pretty rare for anyone to love anyone "from the start." It does happen; my husband and I are a case in point. But it isn't common. Attracted from the start, yes. Lusting from the start, yes. But love often takes time to build.
As it turns out my hubby was the one to find some one and she is in love with him. He has told her that it would have to be a triad kind of deal.
So he met someone and essentially told her she doesn't get to decide how HER OWN relationship will look? She has to either fit in with what you and your husband have decided or she gets nothing? I'm sorry, but that strikes me as quite unfair. To me, the people who are in the relationship get to decide how the relationship works, and if they can't agree, they might not be compatible. But to not be given a choice at all... For me, and for many people, I think, that's rather problematic.
I am dealing with some jealousy and abandonment issues. We had thought our relationship was going to be where we all love each other and I would have a relationship with the female as well. She don’t want a sexual relationship with me and I am ok with that but want to feel bonded with her.
Again, it looks like you aren't taking into account that the other woman should have a say in how HER relationship is structured. Yes, it is also your husband's relationship, and he should get a say. But to be blunt, it isn't *your* relationship. It's your husband's and hers. It's fine to want a connection with her, but if she doesn't want that, you can't force it. I'm glad you're at least accepting that she doesn't want a sexual relationship with you.
She is in a bad relationship with her hubby and is wanting to get a divorce ASAP.
I agree with other commenters that it sounds like she might just be trying to find a way out, and is using you and your husband to get that.
She has been staying here with no sexual contact as I have asked it be that way until we feel more comfortable and have a closer relationship.
So you're dictating the sexual aspect of your husband's relationship with his other partner because of *your* comfort level? Again, does this woman not get a say in her own relationship? Does your husband not have the right to decide what he does with his body and his partner?
Am I poly or am I just bad at it? This is the first relationship we have tried. How do I deal with all the emotions I am feeling? I think this has the possibility of being something beautiful and loving and I don’t want to mess it up with my insecurity.
I don't think you're bad at it. I think you're new to it, and you're coming from a swinging background, where as I understand it, it is common for a couple to dictate how their interactions with other people will go. It's common for a "third" to have to ask permission from one spouse to be with the other, and for a couple to expect a single woman to be interested in fucking them both. But that isn't necessarily how polyamory works.
It sounds like you and your husband are putting your marriage above any other relationship or connection. That's a valid way to do things, but it is, in my opinion, unfair to expect someone else to abide by rules and decisions they weren't allowed any say in making. You cannot make rules about other people's emotions. You can, of course, make rules like the one you seem to have that the other woman and your husband can't have sex until you're comfortable, but then you are controlling something that has nothing to do with you. Their bodies. Their sex life. Their decision. It's fine to state a preference ("I'm having trouble adjusting, would you mind waiting to have sex until I'm more comfortable?") but a preference is just that. A preference. A request to which the other people have the right to say no. It sounds like in your case, your husband and the other woman don't have the option of saying no to your rule.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with feeling uncomfortable or jealous. Feelings happen, and they're all valid. But taking control of someone else's life and relationship is a potentially harmful way of dealing with your emotions. How you feel is yours to deal with; it isn't up to other people to do what you want because of how you feel. If they choose to, that's their choice, but if they're only making that choice because they feel like they don't have any other option, that, in my opinion, is not a positive thing.
