Maybe poly. HELP?

A

amaSir

New member
Hi all. I am new and this is my first post. 6 weeks ago, I re-met a man from my past. The chemistry is still very much there. We live far apart, but talk, IM, cam everyday. I have very quickly fallen in love. The issue? This man has a dream of a poly household. He has dated more than one woman at a time before. He lives with a woman right now. He wants to end it with her, and can see me in his future, but wanted to make clear he would also welcome another.

I have never even thought of this. I was married for 12 years and am divorced.

I do love this man. I am flying out to be with him for 8 days. I am just so confused. I have no idea how to do this. I get so very jealous thinking of him with another woman. :(

I am just looking for advice, or any other comments people with experience have had. Thanks.
 
If you're just jealous while thinking about him with another woman, poly is probably not for you. Let him know you're not comfortable with him being with another woman.
 
Change

Really? I was wondering if because it seems so new I might be able to adjust. Has anyone done that? I mean, it's a shock, and the relationship is so baby. I was thinking as time goes on and I get more secure it might be okay. Just musing aloud. Thanks for replying
 
If you're open to it, of course, you could try to adjust. It may just end up working for you. It certainly has worked for others. But it might be seen as leading him on if you can't get over the jealousy.
 
Would you be going to cheat with this man? You said his partner is on the way out. Would you want to be treated that way if you were in their shoes? It's kind of telling the kind of trust you can have with this man, no?
 
If I were you, I would slow down. It sounds like these heady feelings have only come up while communicating online with him, and they are probably influenced by your old memories of him back in the day. You don't know for sure what the chemistry will be like when you see him face-to-face. It might not be love, or you might realize when you get there that you don't want to be in such a situation, or you don't like how he smells. Anything can get in the way. I would say, have your goal be to just see how you feel, without jumping into a pre-conceived outcome. But perhaps wait to meet up with him until after he has either broken it off with the woman he lives with, or comes clean to her about you.
 
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Thanks all. You have given me lots to think about.

I have told him that I am not sure if polyamory is for me. As it is so new, he does understand.

I really think the issue with his GF plays a major role in my issues. Once a cheater, always a cheater? How could I trust him, right?

I am going to continue with the understanding that I want to take it day by day and see how things work.

Thanks for taking the time to help!
 
I'm going to say the same thing I seem to be saying all the time lately, like a scratched record. Study! Learn! Be in a position to make intelligent choices that are right for you.

Polyamory is new to a large segment of society. Polyamory and monoamory both have their advantages and disadvantages. The only way you can know which is right for you is to be as knowledgeable (which includes some experimentation) as possible before deciding.

Just don't get too caught up in all the hype, excitement, or drama. Approach it like you would a science experiment. Only the facts please, only the facts.
 
Just a quick two cents as you have already gotten lots of great advice. I don't agree that if you initially have a hard time imagining him with other women you probably aren't polyamorous. There are a lot of reasons why you might feel this way.

When I started thinking about adopting polyamory, I had a lot of bad feelings about sharing my primary with others. But I knew that I felt okay about the idea of me seeing other people, because I knew where my intentions began and ended. For me, I think that says that I felt insecure about my relationship with him, not that I wasn't poly.
 
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Although my wife was the one that first proposed my having other sexual partners, I was very concerned about whether she was really okay with it, or if she was just trying to make me happy. Family is extremely important to me. I never want anything to come between my wife and me.

Our way of dealing with the prospect of jealousy was to have my wife there. Granted, this won't work for all situations, but we were lucky in the fact that our new friend was willing and comfortable with a little exhibitionism.

We all talk constantly about every new development, to make sure we are all still comfortable with where we are and where we might be heading. I've read numerous times on this site that open, honest communication is key. Without that, you're just looking for a bad experience.
 
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