Honestly, I'm not sure if I am truly polyamorous or if I just happened to meet two men that I would love who would also both love me. I'm not sure if it actually would've worked at all without the love they had for each other--as identical twins (Let's call them M & B), they functioned in so many ways like a married couple. For them, it was "our life, our time, our money, our things." I early on asked them, "What am I supposed to do? You're so close! Am I supposed to date you as a couple?" We all laughed at the time, but yeah, that question came back to haunt me.
So did the words I had often told my best friend, who has been openly polyamorous for all the years I have know her. She would talk to me about her relationships and their challenges. I did my best to listen, but I usually ended up putting a hand on her shoulder at the end and saying, "I love you, I accept you, but I think you're crazy." Ok, in my defense, I always got her to laugh with those lines, which was my main reason for saying them, but yeah--I really thought the whole thing was crazy. And then I'm calling her up on the phone early in my relationship with M & B, panicking and yelling, "Help me! What am I doing? How did I end up like this?!" I knew all her partners and she had a good time grabbing them and saying, "You'll never believe it. K is dating twins."
There's a lot more to our story, so much good and beautiful, but I'll spoil it right now--I am currently single on purpose, for an awful reason. M came down with an aggressive form of cancer shortly after his 30th birthday. We lost him within 9 months. In the early morning hours at the hospital, as I sat at his bedside and laid my head beside him on the pillow, talking with him until he could sleep again, he told me over and over that I had brought him the happiest time of his life. I would go through everything again for those moments.
Unfortunately, things slowly went off between B and I after M's death, and we are no longer together. We are still dear to each other--I love him and know that I am loved in return--and I spend the weekend with him, his girlfriend and their roommate about once a month. I am a never say never woman, but I cannot imagine being romantically involved with him again. Things have just changed.
I thought people said stupid, demeaning, judgemental things when we were together, crazy in love, and eager to share that with others, but when M was sick! And after he died! It's been awful. So many have acted like I had no right to mourn. I am not over what has happened. It's been nearly four years now since he died, and I still find I can't imagine dating again, loving again. I did try a casual relationship with a friend for a brief while, but it was painful and pitiful and I just had to go.
To top it all up, I'll go back to what I was saying at the beginning. I still don't know if I am polyamorous, or if it was just a unique situation. I just know I feel like a giant mess that I wouldn't wish on anyone romantically right now.
Thanks for the space and time.
So did the words I had often told my best friend, who has been openly polyamorous for all the years I have know her. She would talk to me about her relationships and their challenges. I did my best to listen, but I usually ended up putting a hand on her shoulder at the end and saying, "I love you, I accept you, but I think you're crazy." Ok, in my defense, I always got her to laugh with those lines, which was my main reason for saying them, but yeah--I really thought the whole thing was crazy. And then I'm calling her up on the phone early in my relationship with M & B, panicking and yelling, "Help me! What am I doing? How did I end up like this?!" I knew all her partners and she had a good time grabbing them and saying, "You'll never believe it. K is dating twins."
There's a lot more to our story, so much good and beautiful, but I'll spoil it right now--I am currently single on purpose, for an awful reason. M came down with an aggressive form of cancer shortly after his 30th birthday. We lost him within 9 months. In the early morning hours at the hospital, as I sat at his bedside and laid my head beside him on the pillow, talking with him until he could sleep again, he told me over and over that I had brought him the happiest time of his life. I would go through everything again for those moments.
Unfortunately, things slowly went off between B and I after M's death, and we are no longer together. We are still dear to each other--I love him and know that I am loved in return--and I spend the weekend with him, his girlfriend and their roommate about once a month. I am a never say never woman, but I cannot imagine being romantically involved with him again. Things have just changed.
I thought people said stupid, demeaning, judgemental things when we were together, crazy in love, and eager to share that with others, but when M was sick! And after he died! It's been awful. So many have acted like I had no right to mourn. I am not over what has happened. It's been nearly four years now since he died, and I still find I can't imagine dating again, loving again. I did try a casual relationship with a friend for a brief while, but it was painful and pitiful and I just had to go.
To top it all up, I'll go back to what I was saying at the beginning. I still don't know if I am polyamorous, or if it was just a unique situation. I just know I feel like a giant mess that I wouldn't wish on anyone romantically right now.
Thanks for the space and time.
