Me time

I’m really struggling to get my husband to understand my need for alone time. This has always been a bit of an issue, but has understandably become worse during lockdown.

He works from home and doesn’t really go out unless we’re together so there is almost never a time when I am at home and he isn’t - and when it does happen I’m usually with our children. (I appreciate many of my friends moan about their husbands going out to sailing or to play golf or to the pub or whatever and wish they were around more!)

I am really lucky that our children are pretty easy and even when we are all in the house I can sneak away and be by myself....but I can hear them watching their stupid YouTube videos or they’ll come and tell me they’re hungry or they’ll come and do a poo whilst I’m relaxing in the bath.

I’m also lucky because I can get out for walks but I just want to be alone in my home sometimes. Not to do anything specific, just to be.

My husband just doesn’t get it or says it’s easier said than done. He takes it a bit personally and I don’t think he understands it’s not that I want to be away from him but that I want to be alone and uninterrupted for a bit. (I have told him this.)

Today he has offered to take the children out so I can be alone. I know I sound ungrateful but that’s not what I want. I want him to take them out because he wants to take them out, to weave some alone time into my normal life rather than it having to be something he is giving me and that I should be grateful for. And it’s Sunday and I’m not doing anything, so I’d feel guilty not going out as a family.

I feel really ungrateful and like I’m asking too much but I also know it’s making me stressed and irritable and I don’t want to be like this. I have tried talking to friends about it but they don’t seem to get it... however their husbands aren’t working from home or they’re split up and their ex has their kids at least sometimes.

I love my husband to bits but I fantasise about splitting up just so I could have my own place and have regular alone time (plus handy for poly activities but that’s another story!).

He’s going to see a counsellor this week which I hope will help him understand this better, so I’m looking for validation here more than practical solutions - I appreciate it will get easier once lockdown is over. It’s more that I feel like he’s not respecting what I think is a fair and reasonable request - he doesn’t need to understand it or agree with it to be able to respect it.
 
Therapy is a good option. Have you considered it for yourself, too? It's been a really stressful year for everyone.

Also, I think acceptance on your part that you do have different needs and perceptions of what alone time entails. He may never understand your needs but as long as he accommodates and accepts them, that could be good enough. I also think instead of feeling guilty or like you owe him for taking the kids out, you could just be thankful... and not feel guilty! Enjoy the time he's offered. When they return, then you can have family time together.

Aside from that, when I had young kids, I tried to build in alone time wherever I could. Sometimes that was simply a walk alone in the neighborhood, a drive to the coffee shop, or reading a book in bed in the evening. And definitely, I locked the bathroom door while I was bathing!
 
Yes I’ve seen the same counsellor recently and we’ve seen her together too. I’ve had a lot of major bereavement this year, home schooling, working in a very involved job, all the extra stresses of covid without the normal escape routes like nights out and holidays. I’m pretty good at dealing with my stuff but I just need the time and space to do it so it doesn’t build up.
 
Hi Pigwidgeon,

I have to really sympathize with you, you just want some alone time, some time for you, without having to feel guilty about it. It kind of seems like your husband (Dangermouse) resents that you even have this desire. Like he only goes out with the kids to get you to stop pestering him. Is that related to his negative feelings about poly? Like he doesn't understand why you would want to be away from him for any reason, let alone to date someone else?

Hopefully the pandemic will end soon, and that will help.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Today he has offered to take the children out so I can be alone. I know I sound ungrateful but that’s not what I want. I want him to take them out because he wants to take them out, to weave some alone time into my normal life rather than it having to be something he is giving me and that I should be grateful for.

I'd take it. Then over time work on it so it's just a schedule thing and not "special."

I feel really ungrateful and like I’m asking too much but I also know it’s making me stressed and irritable and I don’t want to be like this.

You are not asking too much.

I am an introvert. I don't know when I have last been ALONE alone in the house. Not in a room, but like ALL ALONE.

I love my husband to bits but I fantasise about splitting up just so I could have my own place and have regular alone time (plus handy for poly activities but that’s another story!).

Yup. Have had that fantasy.

I’m looking for validation here more than practical solutions - I appreciate it will get easier once lockdown is over. It’s more that I feel like he’s not respecting what I think is a fair and reasonable request - he doesn’t need to understand it or agree with it to be able to respect it.

But does he really HAVE to understand it for you to start getting the time you need so the stress can start to lift?

Or is your want two things from the get go?

a) getting time alone

b) understanding you need this.

My spouse is also introverted so he does get that part of it. Through the middley years it was understanding that I needed time alone with HIM not being "mom and dad" or doing eldercare or whatever. But being us as a couple.

He could take the kids, I could go out with friends... but that's not time with HIM.

He's gotten better about it and my lessening family obligations as elders pass away or kids grow up -- that help too.

I do sympathize with you though. It can be tough if no time alone IN YOUR HOUSE. Cuz you could go out for coffee on your own... and you get some alone time that way but it's not alone IN YOUR HOUSE.

Galagirl
 
Hi Pigwidgeon,

I have to really sympathize with you, you just want some alone time, some time for you, without having to feel guilty about it. It kind of seems like your husband (Dangermouse) resents that you even have this desire. Like he only goes out with the kids to get you to stop pestering him. Is that related to his negative feelings about poly? Like he doesn't understand why you would want to be away from him for any reason, let alone to date someone else?

Hopefully the pandemic will end soon, and that will help.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
I don’t feel that he resents it, he just doesn’t understand it because he doesn’t want/need it himself (plus he gets it just because of how our lives work). I think he does understand that it’s not that I want to be away from him, but that I want to be alone, so I hope he doesn’t take it personally. And with his poly reluctance, time doesn’t really come into his worries, it’s more the thought of me being physical with someone else - particularly with multiple someone elses.
 
I'd take it. Then over time work on it so it's just a schedule thing and not "special."



You are not asking too much.

I am an introvert. I don't know when I have last been ALONE alone in the house. Not in a room, but like ALL ALONE.



Yup. Have had that fantasy.



But does he really HAVE to understand it for you to start getting the time you need so the stress can start to lift?

Or is your want two things from the get go?

a) getting time alone

b) understanding you need this.

My spouse is also introverted so he does get that part of it. Through the middley years it was understanding that I needed time alone with HIM not being "mom and dad" or doing eldercare or whatever. But being us as a couple.

He could take the kids, I could go out with friends... but that's not time with HIM.

He's gotten better about it and my lessening family obligations as elders pass away or kids grow up -- that help too.

I do sympathize with you though. It can be tough if no time alone IN YOUR HOUSE. Cuz you could go out for coffee on your own... and you get some alone time that way but it's not alone IN YOUR HOUSE.

Galagirl
Thank you, sounds like you can relate a lot!!

I sent him this text yesterday and I do feel like it helped him take it on board a bit better:

“I think I’ve had a revelation. You are really amazing at leaving me to it when I’m like this and I am super grateful for it. You don’t try and force me to get up and do stuff, you let me wallow and rest. But whilst I can hear the boys on the PlayStation or you doing the dishwasher I feel bad that I’m not playing with them or helping with housework. And I worry that you are worried about me or frustrated or annoyed or just feeling helpless. But I NEED these times where I’m not distracted by work or friends or TV so I can feel and work through the hard stuff so I can move past it. All I really want right now is to hang out in bed with you snuggling, laughing, reading and just being together doing nothing, crisps and wine, chilling and having fun, forgetting our worries and responsibilities for a bit.”
 
I’m really struggling to get my husband to understand my need for alone time.

Before my nesting partner and I moved in together, we discussed at length the reality that I require quite a bit of alone time. I will not move in to a situation where I do not have my own room, and where my space is respected absolutely.

I get that it's different when you've got kids; that is quite an ongoing constraint on time and energy. Mercifully I don't have any kids, so I can't give you and advice on how to handle that particular encumbrance. I expect other parents will be able to give you some advice on that.

Today he has offered to take the children out so I can be alone. I know I sound ungrateful but that’s not what I want. I want him to take them out because he wants to take them out, to weave some alone time into my normal life rather than it having to be something he is giving me and that I should be grateful for.

Another part of the nesting discussion is that I don't want there to be any stress about the reality that I am going to take alone time whenever I need/want it. There is a considerable difference, in my opinion, between tolerating this reality and embracing it.

It sounds like he's trying to meet you half way, but this wouldn't be sufficient for me. Anyone that I share space with is going to have to fully embrace the fact that I take plenty of alone time, and that it is a fundamental part of who I am as a human being. Someone who doesn't connect to that, simply isn't an appropriate nesting partner.
 
Before my nesting partner and I moved in together, we discussed at length the reality that I require quite a bit of alone time. I will not move in to a situation where I do not have my own room, and where my space is respected absolutely.
I think many of the issues the op and her husband face are either growing out of old patterns and routines or forced conformity thinking she/ they would grow into the job or role. Clearly the luxury of hammering all this out prior to marriage or moving in together is long gone HOWEVER its never too late to drastically disentangle.


I get that it's different when you've got kids; that is quite an ongoing constraint on time and energy. Mercifully I don't have any kids, so I can't give you and advice on how to handle that particular encumbrance. I expect other parents will be able to give you some advice on that.
I don’t think it really matters if you have kids or not because it’s so completely individual and routines and expectations have been established. ONE I will say is it goes by fast.



Another part of the nesting discussion is that I don't want there to be any stress about the reality that I am going to take alone time whenever I need/want it. There is a considerable difference, in my opinion, between tolerating this reality and embracing it.
Isn’t that the case with tolerating and embracing anything ?? Are you suggesting YOU need or want your partner to
embrace your unilateral decisions on alone time or time in general ??


It sounds like he's trying to meet you half way, but this wouldn't be sufficient for me. Anyone that I share space with is going to have to fully embrace the fact that I take plenty of alone time, and that it is a fundamental part of who I am as a human being. Someone who doesn't connect to that, simply isn't an appropriate nesting partner.
Is that your standard negotiation tactic ...half way is sufficient ?? Or is this just specific to certain things?

From the info from this thread the OP‘s husband is coming to terms with a new poly reality and on top of that or as part of that there’s a big need for separation/ alone time. I think this might be coming at him like being hit with both barrels of a double barreled shot gun and one of the barrels in slight conflict with the other barrel which makes this all the more confusing and messy. “ wait you want more alone time but you want to date other men “
Sadly I think if the op is fantasizing about divorce and split custody to have the alone time and the freedom to date and yet remain in her kids lives the debate on nesting partners may have past. And from the other side of the coin how much does he feel is brought and how much is he or the family losing from any new configuration of time and resources. And is that worth it to him.
 
Sadly I think if the op is fantasizing about divorce and split custody to have the alone time and the freedom to date and yet remain in her kids lives the debate on nesting partners may have past.
I think you're wildly overstating the case here. I _fantasize_ about living on my own often - but I think when push comes to shove I wouldn't actually want to live by myself. But kids can be WILDLY overwhelming especially if you're a person that prefers quiet... or even a person that prefers the world to be logical or just wants to have SOME control over her surroundings... I may be projecting, but the problem with living with a kid isn't the living with a kid per se, it's that kids do inconsiderate things a partner or roommate would never even *consider* to be acceptable, and that can be wildly overwhelming at times. And sometimes escaping _that_ becomes tempting, and gets tangled up with the general excessive intimacy that living with a partner can bring, to the point that living alone _sounds_ wonderful and possibly better than it actually is.
 
I think you're wildly overstating the case here. I _fantasize_ about living on my own often - but I think when push comes to shove I wouldn't actually want to live by myself.
That could easily be however I don’t know of a single person male or female that fantasizes of divorce and living alone as a solution. AND I wasn’t suggesting a push come to shove scenario I was suggestion the debate on “ appropriate “ nesting partners might be too late. Like I said I personally dont know how prevalent this kind of fantasy is just that Ive never heard of it inside my large circle of family and friends. That said I don’t think it’s wrong or bad move toward a dynamic that will make you more happy. I do think your dreams or fantasy is your soul or subconscious trying to send you a message on stuff. And I’m sure the frequency of such fantasies would play a huge role here. if you had this fantasy once during a period of high stress it means one thing ...if you have the same fantasy twice a week it probably means something else.

But kids can be WILDLY overwhelming especially if you're a person that prefers quiet... or even a person that prefers the world to be logical or just wants to have SOME control over her surroundings... I may be projecting, but the problem with living with a kid isn't the living with a kid per se, it's that kids do inconsiderate things a partner or roommate would never even *consider* to be acceptable, and that can be wildly overwhelming at times. And sometimes escaping _that_ becomes tempting, and gets tangled up with the general excessive intimacy that living with a partner can bring, to the point that living alone _sounds_ wonderful and possibly better than it actually is.
YES....very very much familiar with that having 2 and being the hang out house. When they were little I can’t remember a Saturday morning I wasn’t making breakfast ( generally pancakes ) for 6 or 7 kids. We picked up a kid for a month while the kids mother was removing from some medical issues. BELIEVE ME I get it. AND I’m not sure if it is better than it sounds. THAT reality might not be so bad.

And lastly I was reading the thread from the thought that the op was in the process of either discovering some big things about herself ....ie her poly identity / sexual need and her need for alone time. One could argue or pick to determine if these things are “ changes “ preference or personality/ growth OR these were buried or ignored because of society and or circumstance. Personally I don’t think it matters what came first the chicken or the egg in this particular case. I think the OP and or anyone going through such changes or unmasking their true nature or spirit should embrace it and NOT dismiss it as fantasy. IMO life is too short to be stuck having these negative feelings.

I think the op deserves a lot of credit for taking the bold steps to implement the structure and or dynamic that feels right for her. AND as Marcus pointed out maybe her husband sadly will never “ get it “ enough to be a suitable nesting partner on both fronts.
 
I think many of the issues the op and her husband face are either growing out of old patterns and routines or forced conformity thinking she/ they would grow into the job or role. Clearly the luxury of hammering all this out prior to marriage or moving in together is long gone HOWEVER its never too late to drastically disentangle.

Yep. People dive into relationships and get completely encumbered with epic barriers to exit long before they start looking at what a good relationship might be for them.

I wasn't suggesting the OP get a time machine and go back to right the wrongs, I was just stating how I think it works best. Being balls deep in a relationship that isn't put together well is a big mess, for sure. While it is indeed possible to disentangle a long standing relationship, that isn't where I'd bet safe money.

Isn’t that the case with tolerating and embracing anything ?? Are you suggesting YOU need or want your partner to
embrace your unilateral decisions on alone time or time in general ??

In my personal life, decisions about how I am going to utilize my time is entirely unilateral, yes. Anyone who is going to have a significant presence in my life must embrace these unilateral decisions or they are not a good fit, correct.

I'm not rude about it, but the end result is that yes, I am living my life and everyone else is living theirs. I don't make people negotiate with me about how they spend their time and energy, and I won't negotiate with them about how I spend mine. If there is some issue with how I spend my time, I'd say that is a flag that someone has an expectation out of alignment with reality.

Is that your standard negotiation tactic ...half way is sufficient ?? Or is this just specific to certain things?

My "negotiation tactic" is that I don't see the purpose in negotiating. I prefer for everyone to understand what they personally want, compare it to what everyone else wants, and live in the overlap. Anything that doesn't overlap or near enough, is out.

From the info from this thread the OP‘s husband is coming to terms with a new poly reality and on top of that or as part of that there’s a big need for separation/ alone time.

I'm sure it is a big scary change; having conversations that expose previous assumptions as incorrect is jarring. I feel for everyone involved because it's a trying moment to work through; I don't envy their struggle.
 
Yep. People dive into relationships and get completely encumbered with epic barriers to exit long before they start looking at what a good relationship might be for them.

I wasn't suggesting the OP get a time machine and go back to right the wrongs, I was just stating how I think it works best. Being balls deep in a relationship that isn't put together well is a big mess, for sure. While it is indeed possible to disentangle a long standing relationship, that isn't where I'd bet safe money.
It would be a really boring forum / no need for a forum if righting wrongs or correcting all relationship issues were easy😝👍. I think the first step for any couple in this position is acknowledging how entangled they might be and then be honest with each other on how or where they want to end up in terms of disentanglement.

In my personal life, decisions about how I am going to utilize my time is entirely unilateral, yes. Anyone who is going to have a significant presence in my life must embrace these unilateral decisions or they are not a good fit, correct.

I'm not rude about it, but the end result is that yes, I am living my life and everyone else is living theirs. I don't make people negotiate with me about how they spend their time and energy, and I won't negotiate with them about how I spend mine. If there is some issue with how I spend my time, I'd say that is a flag that someone has an expectation out of alignment with reality.
I wonder how that is going to translate for someone coming out of a mono marriage for 5-10 yrs with kids ?

COULD this be advice for her next husband if she were to decide to go down that road again ?? To me this sounds like another giant shock to the well worn groove of marital coupledom. I think kickback is inevitable so maybe think in phases on some of this stuff with a goal in mind.
My "negotiation tactic" is that I don't see the purpose in negotiating. I prefer for everyone to understand what they personally want, compare it to what everyone else wants, and live in the overlap. Anything that doesn't overlap or near enough, is out.
I just noticed the typo in my post ....it should have read that half way is insufficient Or always insufficient??? BUT you read through it an answered it anyway with basically saying there is NO a negotiating. This might be really hard to institute after in a relationship / marriage were common give and take has occurred in the past. I think maybe this could work on selective topics but NOT across the board. IMO.

I'm sure it is a big scary change; having conversations that expose previous assumptions as incorrect is jarring. I feel for everyone involved because it's a trying moment to work through; I don't envy their struggle.
AGREED at least he’s got a therapist to help him sort some of this stuff out on his end.
 
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