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PrettyInBlue

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So my girlfriend has her mum living with her and her mum doesn't know about the three of us because she's a heavily catholic woman.

So she told her mum she's only dating our boyfriend and i'm the bestie for obvious reasons but I'm not sure how I feel, eventually if our relationship continues to go well I know my boyfriend and I will tell our parents, but she says she will never tell her mum about me...

My boyfriends going over to her house tomorrow to do a short 'meet and greet' which is all good. I guess I just don't know where I stand, i kinda feel like i'm not allowed to be part of the relationship fully and I'm that dirty little secret. I get why she had to tell her mum that, but seriously it just sucks..

Anyone else out there with a similar experience?
 
I personally would not date someone who would not acknowledge me to their family and friends. I don't mind waiting, but I do need to know that it will happen at some point.
 
We *might* tell Mal's mom and stepdad. We won't tell Djinn's parents or my mom. Maybe in 20 years... if they're still around...and we're still together!

But all our parents are use to me/them being around, because Djinn and I have been friends for so long, so that is different than your situation.

At first Mal thought I needed to be out to his mom for the acceptance of it, and he was pretty worried about it, but I really don't. I'm out to enough of my own people, I don't need to be out to his too. I respect that he needs to do that, or not, in his own time. And Djinn's parents? Well, her dad might be ok, but her mom would light the torches and stir up the lynch mob against us, and I don't think her dad could keep the secret. No need to bring that kind of energy into play.

I think we are all more worried about the kids than the parents to be honest!
 
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So she's willing to be out to everyone but her mom? Like 99% out? And you understand why she doesn't want to out herself to her mother at this time. That is her relationship with her mother and you cannot make it go faster than it goes on the acceptance front. It is between them. It is possible that her mother will never come to accept it.

What does her being out to her mom mean to you?

  • Her not being out to her mom is disappoints me because.....?
  • I will have to....?
  • I will not get to....?

What would you fill in the blanks with? It's ok to be bummed out at the news. Not every polyship has supportive friends and family.

i kinda feel like i'm not allowed to be part of the relationship fully and I'm that dirty little secret.
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That is not an emotion to me. That is a thought. It could be framed as:

"i think i'm not allowed to be part of the relationship fully and I'm that dirty little secret."

Who or what is blocking you from giving yourself permission to participate fully if that is what you want to do?

Galagirl
 
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Hi PrettyInBlue,

I understand how it can feel to not be a public part of a poly relationship. I'm very glad to hear that your girlfriend is out to everyone besides her mother, since being in an 'out' relationship seems to be important to you.

If this helps, being an open member of a polyship isn't always as great as it might seem to be. My girlfriend told her mother about us years ago and her mother still barely ever looks me in the eye or acknowledges my presence. We can go for 4 hours straight without her saying a single word to me. Once, I even handed her a coin that she dropped on the ground. She literally stuck her hand out with her head turned from me. It's an unpleasant feeling to say the least.

I'd communicate your feelings and fears to your girlfriend. I'd also give it some time. Sometimes it causes more trouble than it's worth to be out to certain people, but time will tell. In the meantime, I would focus on being around those you can be out around! Perhaps making your girlfriend aware of your feelings might have a soothing side-effect. For instance, your girlfriend might decide to be extra loving and attentive towards you after having boyfriend over at her mom's house, which might really help to ease your hurt during those times.
 
I'm in a somewhat similar situation, and it can be complicated.

Hubby is adamant that no one in his family find out about the polyship. He and I just discussed this yesterday. He says that considering how many compromises and allowances he's made, he doesn't think he should be put in the position of having to explain anything to his parents or other relatives. I'm not entirely thrilled about having to deliberately hide things from them, but they're *his* family, not mine. (Yeah, I'm related to them by marriage, but even now, when Hubby and I've been together for over six years, most of his family still treats me like the woman he just happened to drag home and my kids as a side effect. Some of them have made it abundantly clear that they don't consider us any type of family to them.) Since I rarely interact with or communicate with any of them, hiding the poly thing from them doesn't really impact my relationship with S2.

I am open with my parents, who are my only close relatives aside from my kids. My parents haven't met S2, but they know he exists and who he is in my life. I would like to introduce him to them at some point, but I'm holding off for now because we've only been together four months, and because my mother can be a little unpredictable at times and I don't want to put S2 or myself in a position of having to go on the defensive.

S2 has told his mother, and probably at least some of his siblings/siblings-in-law (he's the youngest of six; there are a lot of people in his immediate family) that he's seeing someone, but hasn't told them the whole truth yet. He's expressed to me that he wants to tell his mother, but isn't sure how to explain it so she doesn't freak out. I think that if he does tell her the truth, he'll introduce me to her, but maybe not. I don't feel like he's hiding *me*, though, even though he's hiding the fact that I'm married to someone else.

Even though sometimes, to me, it seems dishonest to hide the relationship with S2, the reality is that for some people, polyamory is just plain wrong. I know people who consider it even more wrong than cheating, though I have no clue how they can think that way. I hope that as time goes on, he and I'll be able to share more about the relationship with our families. I hope that at some point Hubby will feel okay about at least not going to great effort to cover it up, if not about actually being open, but knowing him I don't see that ever happening.
 
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