Meeting my new metamour

[Girl_in_Red]

Hello everyone,

I'm 25 and I've been in a polyamorous relationship for the last six years. We've been poly since pretty much the beginning of our relationship and are currently living together.
My partner recently met someone new. And they have been going out the last couple of weeks and he stayed over at her place a couple of times. She expressed the wish to meet me and I agreed. She is new to the concept as far as I can tell and therefore I wanted to be supportive even though I imagined the meeting might be a bit awkward since they have only been dating a couple of weeks. It's also worth mentioning that I'm an extremely introverted person and always have a hard time interacting with new people.
So today the three of us met and as expected it was a bit awkward. We made some small talk and shared some laughs but I think it's save to assume that nobody felt super comfortable in that situation. Which is probably normal. The moments were nobody was speaking got longer and longer so I felt it was time to say my goodbyes so the meeting could end on a good note. I asked if there was anything else she would like to ask or address, she said no, I gave them each a hug and was on my way. On the way home I felt very anxious and was in a bad mood of sorts.
Polyamory works so great for me because I don't really experience feelings like jealousy. I'm confident in who I am and what I can give my partners and I'm not easily shaken by seeing my partners with someone else.
But I guess today I felt jealous? Or has anyone another explanation? I'm having a hard time understanding what is going on with me and I was wondering if anyone has experienced something similar?
Thank you so much for any advice you have and let me know if I should clarify anything.
Greetings
Girl in Red

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Girl_in_Red,

I guess it's possible that you are feeling some jealousy, but I am inclined to think it more likely that the meeting was just awkward, and maybe you felt like it was your job to make it comfortable and you were unable to do that. There are two kinds of poly, Parallel Poly and Kitchen Table Poly. You may not be a Kitchen Table person. You did say you were introverted. You are not obligated to meet your metamour/s, and your partner should not hold it against you if you don't want to meet your metamour/s. It's totally up to you. But if it's jealousy, I have some links that may help:

• What If I Get Jealous?
• Unmasking the Green-Eyed Monster
• "First Aid" for Jealousy
• Jealousy, Envy, Insecurity, etc.
• Understanding jealousy
• How do you achieve compersion?
• Jealousy and Insecurity
• The Theory of Jealousy Management
• The Practice of Jealousy Management
• Teal Swan: Jealousy and Envy
• Brené Brown: the Power of Vulnerability

Let me know if there's any other ways I can help.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Girl_in_Red]

Thank you for your advice. Your pointing out that I might not be the type for kitchen table polyamory and felt that I had the responsibility to make everyone feel comfortable really helped me to see things clearly.

 

[Openbook23]

Ugh, this hits me. Met my metamour (M) this past week for the first time. We had dinner (my wife was there, too) because he thought that would be more 'balanced', which is fine I guess. Ended up being 3 people at the table trying to make sure one person felt comfortable. My wife and I showing how much we love each other and I'm not even thinking of leaving her. My girlfriend and I trying not to look at each other too much, so he doesn't get triggered. Just....meh. I think he'll get better with all of it. Well, my newer partner thinks so, and I'll have to trust her on it since she knows him and I don't. But wow was that awkward.

On the flipside, she came to yoga with me and my wife, and all was fine. I'm trying to be patient and generous, since this is the first time he's ever had to deal with his partner falling in love with someone else, and he's going through all the normal feels. I've been there...I remember.

Anyway, I second what Keven said. You don't have to be friends with your metamours. I think everyone should be respectful, of course, but friendship isn't necessary.

 

[Magdlyn]

It's not necessary to meet or hang out with your metamour. But some people prefer it.

Examples:
Our member Bluebird (she has a blog here) always seems to get her newest dating prospect to come to her house on the second date to meet her husband and live-in bf (and maybe her [adult] daughter, her bestie, etc.) for a game night. Then there are group dinners, hikes, escape rooms, parties, Ren Faires, theatrical performances, etc., etc. I think if KTP is really your bag, it might be better to have a really quick coffee date for 3 first, and otherwise, plan an event like game night or going out somewhere for an actual activity, so it's not just a long awkward dinner for 3, with possible uncomfortable silences.

Personally, I've moved from attempting KTP to more of a parallel type of structure. I do get to go to my gf's bf's house about 3 times a year for dinner, but usually there are a few other people there for a game night or it's Friendsgiving or something like that. I didn't meet him properly for several years at first though, because he is very introverted.

Nowadays, my gf doesn't hang out at our place when I have a guy over because, it never fails, my poly bfs always get crushes on her and we don't want to share partners. So the less time she's around, the better. Our situation is unusual. My gf and I live together (I present as female too) and men just can't seem to get the FMF fantasy out of their horny brains lol

Above all, I don't think anyone should have to meet a meta on a first, second or third date. If the meta is insisting on it, they probably don't understand poly and suspect their new partner is cheating on his spouse and so want to see her to make sure he's on the up and up. But I don't want to be dragged along on a date just to prove to a stranger that my partner is legit poly. What if he and she only have 2, 3 or 4 dates and it doesn't work out anyway? I'd have wasted my time. It's up to the hinge to present as trustworthy enough to be dated on his own merits and responsibility.