I am a mono person. My partner is poly, I knew it from the beginning but he has never had anyone else but me. We lived in monogamy for 5 years. Recently he met a girl he fell in love with. It was hard for me, I finally had to face it. I am not jealous when I do not see it. That is why I thought they would meet at her apartment or somewhere else but my partner said that he would like to invite her here sometimes and he really wants it. I know that he has the right to do so, it is also his home and I understand him but I cannot imagine her being in our home when I am here. I do not know how to reconcile it. My partner suggested that he will mate her when I am not there but I am always here, family and friends are far away in another country. Apart from that I am a homebody type, I would prefer not to leave the house at all. And I feel bad that I would have to do it just to not see them together in our home. I don't know what to answer him, I can't forbid him from inviting people who are important to him to our house just because I'm jealous.
Meetings in our house
- Thread starter iga97
- Start date
I'm sorry this is happening like this.
Was that the shared agreement? To practice monogamy together? If so... when did he ask to change back to open/poly?
Or was it always open/poly and he just never acted on it til now?
Or is this a cheating thing?
That's where you get to say "No, thank you. I don't want that. So we need to talk about not living together if you cannot handle dating your new partner at her place or budgeting for hotel."
Sounds like you and him are not compatible for living together AND practicing mono-poly. Is it other people being in your bed? Could you deal if it was a different floor plan so you each get your own bedroom and he deals with his guests in his room in his bed? Nobody comes in your room but you and the people YOU invite.
Could apartments in the same building be close enough but apart enough?
You actually CAN say you don't want to deal with him hosting people here in the shared home. When you moved in together the deal was "no other partners here" from the sound of it. He doesn't have to stick with the old deal if he doesn't want that any more. You cannot force him.
But you don't have to automatically sign up for a new deal either. He can't force you either.
So I suggest you reflect. If it's that you can do mono-poly so long as your home is safe space? Then maybe you two change to a split floorplan with your own bedrooms or stop living together. He does his thing at his room/flat. You do your thing at yours. And you date each other still.
If it's that you don't want to do mono-poly at all? Then you either have a trial separation or break up.
The feelings are hard. But the actions are straightforward. Up to you what you want to do next.
Galagirl
Was that the shared agreement? To practice monogamy together? If so... when did he ask to change back to open/poly?
Or was it always open/poly and he just never acted on it til now?
Or is this a cheating thing?
That's where you get to say "No, thank you. I don't want that. So we need to talk about not living together if you cannot handle dating your new partner at her place or budgeting for hotel."
Sounds like you and him are not compatible for living together AND practicing mono-poly. Is it other people being in your bed? Could you deal if it was a different floor plan so you each get your own bedroom and he deals with his guests in his room in his bed? Nobody comes in your room but you and the people YOU invite.
Could apartments in the same building be close enough but apart enough?
You actually CAN say you don't want to deal with him hosting people here in the shared home. When you moved in together the deal was "no other partners here" from the sound of it. He doesn't have to stick with the old deal if he doesn't want that any more. You cannot force him.
But you don't have to automatically sign up for a new deal either. He can't force you either.
So I suggest you reflect. If it's that you can do mono-poly so long as your home is safe space? Then maybe you two change to a split floorplan with your own bedrooms or stop living together. He does his thing at his room/flat. You do your thing at yours. And you date each other still.
If it's that you don't want to do mono-poly at all? Then you either have a trial separation or break up.
The feelings are hard. But the actions are straightforward. Up to you what you want to do next.
Galagirl
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Many poly couples actually do have a rule that they will not host other partners in their shared home. You have a right to have your home be a peaceful sanctuary. Especially since you're new to poly, since husband's gf is his first one since you've been together, hosting her in your home, whether you are there or not, seems like too much. Maybe in a year or two, or five, you'd be okay with it, but right now you aren't. So tell him that.
I'd still recommend making some local friends though, no matter how much of a homebody you are.
When one's partner is poly, we need to have some autonomy, and a support system besides the poly partner, since they will be splitting their time with another intimate partner. It helps a lot.
I'd still recommend making some local friends though, no matter how much of a homebody you are.
When one's partner is poly, we need to have some autonomy, and a support system besides the poly partner, since they will be splitting their time with another intimate partner. It helps a lot.
Hi iga97,
Wow, that is a difficult situation you are in, you are stuck between a rock and a hard place. I don't know if there are any easy answers to this problem, you can't insist that he not bring this other girl into your home, but on the other hand it is your home, and it should be your sanctuary. I don't see any way to resolve that conflict, I know you don't want to leave your home, but maybe that's what you'll have to do, so that you don't have to see the two of them together.
Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
Wow, that is a difficult situation you are in, you are stuck between a rock and a hard place. I don't know if there are any easy answers to this problem, you can't insist that he not bring this other girl into your home, but on the other hand it is your home, and it should be your sanctuary. I don't see any way to resolve that conflict, I know you don't want to leave your home, but maybe that's what you'll have to do, so that you don't have to see the two of them together.
Sympathetically,
Kevin T.