Men have a harder time understanding polyamory than women

Leander

Leander

Member
Generally speaking I've found that many men that I or my wife and I have talked to about polyamory (or open relationships) have a hard time understanding it. In some cases its like they don't believe it can be real. Others have gotten some strange misconceptions or appear to find it uncomfortable so simply would rather not talk or hear about it. Women seem much more at ease with the idea and more likely to find it appealing.

I doubt I'm alone in noticing the above. I think a lot of is related to traditional male identity. What seems especially difficult for men is the idea of two men sharing a women. I think that puts polyamory firmly in the sphere of counterculture for men.

What kind of men are okay with this? What cultural, social, personal background makes it okay? Would especially be interested to hear from other men about this. I know what factors conditioned me, but what about you?
 
Leander said:
What seems especially difficult for men is the idea of two men sharing a women
Click to expand...

My experience is the opposite. I've known more poly structures with two men and a woman than two women and a man (despite the harem myth that gets perpetuated). I don't know if men are better at sharing or what...but in practice, that's what I've seen.
 
Hubby and S2 don't have any issues sharing me.

But when I came out as poly to my parents... my mother's concern was that my marriage to Hubby would be jeopardized or that Hubby would feel left out. My father's question was "How can your husband let you be with another man?"

And my father is usually far more open-minded and open to differing relationship structures than my mother.

I haven't come out to a lot of people. Hubby doesn't talk to anyone at all about the situation, and S2 has only told his oldest friend. Out of the people other than my parents that I've told, though, the women seem to have a harder time with it than the men. The men have mostly responded along the lines of "whatever works"; the women are horrified that I'm being so "cruel" to my husband. Ironically, some of those same women are married to men and have girlfriends on the side, and see nothing wrong with that.
 
I find that women are more willing to talk about relationship stuff in general, which is why most of my friends are women.

I think men may often have that traditional view of owning somebody, too.
 
I have never noticed more women than men feeling comfort with the subject. I am not sure "what kind" of man I am, so I am not sure how to digest that bite, but I am quite comfortable with poly dynamics and easily experience compersion.

I suppose there is some level of historical familiarity with poly in my life, but the examples were FAR from functional so l'm not sure it counts as a positive introduction. If I could sum up my phillosophy in a terribly simplified way:

If my needs are being met by my partner than I am happy. If my needs are not being met I am willing to negotiate to that end. I also have boundaries that I am happy living within and things outside them are not a concern to me. My love loving others does not bother me because I don't need their love, I just need mine. Nobody can take love from me because I am not loved as a group, I am loved because I am me. Nobody can take love from me because it was made just for me.

I know time is a finite resource and though I wouldn't mind spending every second with her, I don't have to do so to be happy. If she spends time with another it is no different than time at work, or with friends or family. The only weight the way she spends her time carries is the weight I assign it.

I guess at the core of it all, though, is just the fact that I love her, I feel worthy of love as well and I know who I am and what I need to be happy. I also play well with others, so good at sharing. :p

This is probably a mess since I am typing on my phone.... god, I hate typing a paragraph from a keyboard slightly larger than a business card, but hope it all makes sense.

Phoenix
 
Last edited:
Thanks Phoenix!

I'm very new to this board and have read some pretty amazing things from and about some pretty amazing people. I apologize to the creator of this thread since my reply has more to do about compersion than it does my opinion on if men find it harder to be poly than women (personally I think that totally depends on the individual)

I don't have any issues regarding compersion towards my husband of 25 years and his OSO (other significant other)...she makes him very happy which makes me happy. I DO however have a HUGE problem with compersion towards my OSO of 4 years and his wife of over 25 years. Of course I want him to be happy but I have some serious problems...saying it's complicated is an understatement but reading your response really seemed to flip a switch with me.

polychronopolous said:
"My love loving others does not bother me because I don't need their love, I just need mine. Nobody can take love from me because I am not loved as a group, I am loved because I am me. Nobody can take love from me because it was made just for me.

I know time is a finite resource and though I wouldn't mind spending every second with her, I don't have to do so to be happy. If she spends time with another it is no different than time at work, or with friends or family. The only weight the way she spends her time carries is the weight I assign it."


Phoenix
Click to expand...

This really helped me and I just wanted to say thanks :)
 
Both my men would prefer me to be monogamous to them. Nate is okay with me having other partners because otherwise he wouldn't be able to have sex with other women if he demanded I be monogamous . Sam is okay with Nate because he loves me and wants a relationship with me that he'd otherwise wouldn't have.

I do know a few other local women who had multiple male partners, many of them didn't wvwn have additional partners than the female. Most of the couples I know looking for a triad are not with anyone else since I don't know many women willing to date couples exclusively
 
Found responses encouraging. :)

Candiedlove said:
My experience is the opposite. I've known more poly structures with two men and a woman than two women and a man (despite the harem myth that gets perpetuated). I don't know if men are better at sharing or what...but in practice, that's what I've seen.
Click to expand...

That's really interesting. The first relationship I had that I'd call genuinely poly was like that. We already shared everything before we met the girl we both fell for so in his case it wouldn't have been much of a leap. :)

I'd like my wife to find a guy but in the last couple of years no one has come close to being compatible. A lot of that probably comes down to the fact we were living somewhere rural where almost all the couples we were friends with had guys from conservative backgrounds working construction or similar. Manly man jobs. That sort of thing. We moved to the city a short while ago. Its so different my views and expectations are shifting almost daily.
 
For me, a few simple applications of logic and hypothesis handily wiped away any monogamous biases I was raised to have. I ultimately concluded that anything consenting adults agree to do together is just fine. After that, it was a pleasing experience to hear about polyamory.

I can think of at least one guy (who shall go unnamed) who isn't too pleased with polyamory, and I know Brother-Husband (my metamour) struggled with the idea at first given his very traditional Catholic background. But other than that, it's mostly women I've met or known of who have been quite antagonistic about polyamory; to many of them it's an excuse for a man to be a scumbag and bang lots of women; to others it's just plain twisted and juvenile.

I also have seen more MFM V's (or triads) than FMF V's, although the difference isn't overwhelming. If you want to count patriarchal polygyny (a.k.a. polygamy as practiced by Mormon spin-offs or in the Middle East), I guess more women are accustomed to sharing their men.

I think what really makes a difference in a man (or woman) learning to accept polyamory, is being willing to question the stuff we were taught as kids and truly think for ourselves. There are male and female stereotypes that are very popular and men and women both eagerly slide into them because hey, don't we all want to fit in? but those stereotypes include "owning your man" or "owning you woman," and if you want to fight that, you have to be willing to shift into a marginalized part of society. Humans are herd animals. They're usually not comfortable grazing in the margins.
 
kdt26417 said:
For me, a few simple applications of logic and hypothesis handily wiped away any monogamous biases I was raised to have. I ultimately concluded that anything consenting adults agree to do together is just fine. After that, it was a pleasing experience to hear about polyamory.

I can think of at least one guy (who shall go unnamed) who isn't too pleased with polyamory, and I know Brother-Husband (my metamour) struggled with the idea at first given his very traditional Catholic background. But other than that, it's mostly women I've met or known of who have been quite antagonistic about polyamory; to many of them it's an excuse for a man to be a scumbag and bang lots of women; to others it's just plain twisted and juvenile.

I also have seen more MFM V's (or triads) than FMF V's, although the difference isn't overwhelming. If you want to count patriarchal polygyny (a.k.a. polygamy as practiced by Mormon spin-offs or in the Middle East), I guess more women are accustomed to sharing their men.

I think what really makes a difference in a man (or woman) learning to accept polyamory, is being willing to question the stuff we were taught as kids and truly think for ourselves. There are male and female stereotypes that are very popular and men and women both eagerly slide into them because hey, don't we all want to fit in? but those stereotypes include "owning your man" or "owning you woman," and if you want to fight that, you have to be willing to shift into a marginalized part of society. Humans are herd animals. They're usually not comfortable grazing in the margins.
Click to expand...

You're right. Questioning existing assumptions and habits makes all the difference. If someone is open to reflecting on something its amazing how much they can change. Well, their identity can change considerably. Not personality. If someone has a personality that is strongly reactionary their identity is extremely hard to change.
 
Yeah, anyone who is very rigid and was raised to be monogamous, is going to have a hard time questioning their old assumptions and giving poly a fair shake.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top