Metamour relations

K

Knickers

New member
Hi all!

Looking for advice! A lot has happened since I started my poly journey 5 years ago! I’m still with the same partner I met over 4 years ago but have since divorced my husband with whom this journey started. (That’s a long story that doesn’t pertain to my current situation and our break up had nothing to do with non-monogamy).

So... my partner Moose is married to Badger (20 years) and Badger is in a long term (6+ year) relationship with Hawk. Both Hawk and I have no other partners besides me with Moose and her with Badger. So Badger and Moose are the hinges. Hawk and I both have separate residences and Moose and Badger share a home. Does that all make sense?

We now have more of a kitchen table scenario with the 4 of us all hanging out together, having dinners and outings together, and also sharing some childcare duties etc. I’m the newest addition to this co-mingling of lives because before my divorce, I kept my level of co-mingling to a much lesser extent, partially due to physical distance (I lived in a different city) and also the complexity involved.

But now I live in the same neighborhood and Moose is my primary relationship... so my feelings have definitely changed! I want to be more a part of this family but I’m struggling with a lot of negative feelings that often come up in regards to my metamour Badger. I actually really like her and we get along great. I definitely consider her a friend.

I think Badger really liked how things were before I divorced my husband when I was more of someone to keep her husband entertained while she was with her girlfriend but otherwise I was mostly absent in their lives. She was kind of the queen bee with her two full time partners and them doing everything together and very out and open about it on social media. She has never said that she doesn’t want me around and is very welcoming to my face but her behaviors around including me in things and decisions tell me otherwise. My partner Moose is always great about including me and even Hawk goes out of her way to invite me along for things. But not Badger.

This morning Badger posted on FB about how she and Moose and Hawk were all going to be at some location this weekend and how friends should come for a socially distanced meet up. Of course, I was not included in her post even though she tagged Moose and Hawk and a bunch of friends. This is the kind of thing that happens regularly and it just eats me up inside and makes me start doubting myself and even my relationship with Moose. I have gone off social media for weeks at a time to avoid the feelings that come up when I see stuff like this.

So, what do I do? I’m guessing most people here with say talk with my metamour? I feel like that is probably the best course of action but I also feel like maybe i’m overstepping because I’m not in a ”relationship” with her and she doesn’t have to invite me to everything? I don’t know. It’s just so so confusing and the pandemic and social distancing have definitely played a part in me having a hard time with this. Before COVID I would make my own plans outside of the group and was more independent but now I feel very dependent on our little quaranteam.

Any advice welcome! Thanks in advance!
 
My guess is that Badger likes you in small doses which is fine. There are lots of people I like in small doses. Some of those people are people who are very dear to my closest loved ones. I bet Badger could write a thread saying she feels some guilt around the fact that she doesn't feel as "kitcheny" with you as Moose does with Hawk and she feels like she is supposed to.

I think this might have been something that Badger only acknowledged when you moved closer and also had your "primary" slot filled by your ExH. Now you've moved to their city AND you now feel that your "primary" relationship is with Moose. The break up of a entangled spousal relationship can be turbulent in a polycule because of the potential expectation that the breakup will mean other relationships will change to make use of the new availability. It would be interesting to know why you feel your relationship with Moose is "primary". What does that mean to you?

I don't think you should talk with her. I think you should work around accepting that you aren't going to be best friends with her and let Moose juggle when he feels it pertinent that you be included in a group activity. He has to maintain a balance and he certainly cannot foist your presence onto Badger if she doesn't want it. But there will be things, perhaps things that HE organizes, that he can choose who attends.

The fact that she may feel less "kitcheny" about you than Moose feels about Hawk will mean that you ultimately spend less time with Moose. This may limit your relationship. However, it isn't something you can control or even realistically search for partners based on how much your metamour likes you so I suggest you work on accepting this rather than giving up a really quite civil metamour relationship in search of a BFF dynamic.
 
Talk to your partner, not your meta. Personally, when people play games like that I ignore it. This isn't really about you. It's about her inability to act like an adult. Giving her attention only feeds that. I would be more concerned that your partner doesn't see this and take action.
 
SEASONEDpolyAgain said:
My guess is that Badger likes you in small doses which is fine. There are lots of people I like in small doses. Some of those people are people who are very dear to my closest loved ones. I bet Badger could write a thread saying she feels some guilt around the fact that she doesn't feel as "kitcheny" with you as Moose does with Hawk and she feels like she is supposed to.

I think this might have been something that Badger only acknowledged when you moved closer and also had your "primary" slot filled by your ExH. Now you've moved to their city AND you now feel that your "primary" relationship is with Moose. The break up of a entangled spousal relationship can be turbulent in a polycule because of the potential expectation that the breakup will mean other relationships will change to make use of the new availability. It would be interesting to know why you feel your relationship with Moose is "primary". What does that mean to you?

I don't think you should talk with her. I think you should work around accepting that you aren't going to be best friends with her and let Moose juggle when he feels it pertinent that you be included in a group activity. He has to maintain a balance and he certainly cannot foist your presence onto Badger if she doesn't want it. But there will be things, perhaps things that HE organizes, that he can choose who attends.

The fact that she may feel less "kitcheny" about you than Moose feels about Hawk will mean that you ultimately spend less time with Moose. This may limit your relationship. However, it isn't something you can control or even realistically search for partners based on how much your metamour likes you so I suggest you work on accepting this rather than giving up a really quite civil metamour relationship in search of a BFF dynamic.
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Hi, thanks for your reply. I should clarify a few things- yes, I did move to their city about a year ago but before that I only lived 15 minutes drive away... and now I live 2 blocks away. So, it’s not like me and Moose had a long distance relationship before and Badger never saw me. The actual amount of time that Moose and I spend together has remained unchanged for years now.

And also maybe I used kitchen table wording wrong in my description- we’ve always been kitchen table altogether for the last 4+ years but I have been less integrated as part of the core family (Moose-Badger-Hawk) in terms of decision making and all together hang outs because I had my own whole family to contend with already.

I do hear what you are saying. I don’t expect her and I to be besties or anything like that. I am also not trying to encroach on her one on one time with Moose. But if they are all together, I want to be included. I don’t think this is wrong. I know Moose and Hawk want me around. I mostly do get an invite to most things by Moose and Hawk but it’s the social media thing that gets to me.
 
vinsanity0 said:
Talk to your partner, not your meta. Personally, when people play games like that I ignore it. This isn't really about you. It's about her inability to act like an adult. Giving her attention only feeds that. I would be more concerned that your partner doesn't see this and take action.
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Thank you for the advice. So, your sense is that she is doing this on purpose and that by talking directly to her will not help the situation, but make it worse? I know the mainstream poly advice is to go through your hinge but that always feels passive aggressive to me? Do you know what I mean?
 
Knickers said:
Thank you for the advice. So, your sense is that she is doing this on purpose and that by talking directly to her will not help the situation, but make it worse? I know the mainstream poly advice is to go through your hinge but that always feels passive aggressive to me? Do you know what I mean?
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Yes, I think she is doing it on purpose, though not necessarily to hurt you. It does sound like she has that Queen Bee thing going on. When it's the three of them, she is the center of attention.

I really don't know what would happen if you tried to discuss it with her. My sense is she doesn't care what you think, but maybe she doesn't realize she's doing it.

When I say discuss it with your partner I mean let them know how you feel about it. By discussing it you'll get a sense of how he feels about it and what he thinks can be done.

You said you aren't really spending any less time than usual. Is it that you want to be included in more things, or just that it bothers you to see it on social media? You said Moose would like to see you included more, but does he do anything to make that happen?

I can see how it might feel passive-aggressive, but I see it as more of dealing with your own relationship. An analogy I might use is having a partner who works too much. Would you go into their work and complain to them, or would you discuss it with your partner? In this case you want to be included more, so tell your partner you'd like to be included more.
 
Hi Knickers,

It sounds like you want kitchen table poly with Badger, while Badger wants parallel poly with you. http://kimchicuddles.com/image/116304001735

I'm actually inclined to suggest you talk to Badger directly, like tell her what you noticed on Facebook and ask her if she meant to disclude you. But beware, she might react negatively to you bringing that up. I suppose you have to ask yourself, how much does it upset you when she discludes you like that? Is your upsetness greater than the risk you would be taking by talking to her about it? Talking to Moose first or instead, might be another route to consider, I don't know if the risk would be less. It might be initially. I certainly sympathize, I would be hurt too if I found I was being discluded like that. You could try to just take it in stride, maybe give yourself a few months and see if you get feeling any better about it. And if you don't ... well, you might find that you have to bring it up to somebody. To Badger or to Moose. I hope it doesn't come to that, but ...

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
vinsanity0 said:
Yes, I think she is doing it on purpose, though not necessarily to hurt you. It does sound like she has that Queen Bee thing going on. When it's the three of them, she is the center of attention.

I really don't know what would happen if you tried to discuss it with her. My sense is she doesn't care what you think, but maybe she doesn't realize she's doing it.

When I say discuss it with your partner I mean let them know how you feel about it. By discussing it you'll get a sense of how he feels about it and what he thinks can be done.

You said you aren't really spending any less time than usual. Is it that you want to be included in more things, or just that it bothers you to see it on social media? You said Moose would like to see you included more, but does he do anything to make that happen?

I can see how it might feel passive-aggressive, but I see it as more of dealing with your own relationship. An analogy I might use is having a partner who works too much. Would you go into their work and complain to them, or would you discuss it with your partner? In this case you want to be included more, so tell your partner you'd like to be included more.
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Yeah, I’m not spending less time at all, definitely more time now with the pandemic. My partner has done a good job of including me- I really can’t imagine asking him for anything else.

This is one of many many times (like 100) something like this has happened over the last few years, but it’s always over social media. I usually do get the invite eventually from my partner or Badger’s partner but sometimes it’s too late and I’ve already made my own plans (pre-pandemic). So, essentially it feels like I’m not being included in the plan-making which for me is a problem. Maybe it's just a case of me feeling like the lowest on the pecking order?

I think the other thing that bothers me is that she is projecting this image on social media that is kind of a false narrative of the three of them together all the time and where I’m never present. I think being written out of the story causes me to feel insecure and unwelcome in the group. But then again, it’s her social media narrative to write how she sees fit...

I feel like I’m just being too sensitive. I really don’t want to care what she posts on her social media. Like I said, I’ve taken breaks from social media just because of this kind of thing in the past. I’ve never said anything to anyone about it, just let it roll off my back. But it feels harder to ignore during this new pandemic paradigm where I’m unable to go off and connect with friends or other loves.

Thank you for your words and advice!!
 
kdt26417 said:
Hi Knickers,

It sounds like you want kitchen table poly with Badger, while Badger wants parallel poly with you. http://kimchicuddles.com/image/116304001735

I'm actually inclined to suggest you talk to Badger directly, like tell her what you noticed on Facebook and ask her if she meant to disclude you. But beware, she might react negatively to you bringing that up. I suppose you have to ask yourself, how much does it upset you when she discludes you like that? Is your upsetness greater than the risk you would be taking by talking to her about it? Talking to Moose first or instead, might be another route to consider, I don't know if the risk would be less. It might be initially. I certainly sympathize, I would be hurt too if I found I was being discluded like that. You could try to just take it in stride, maybe give yourself a few months and see if you get feeling any better about it. And if you don't ... well, you might find that you have to bring it up to somebody. To Badger or to Moose. I hope it doesn't come to that, but ...

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
Click to expand...

Thanks for writing Kevin :)

You might be right that she would prefer more of a parallel thing with me but it’s definitely not what we’ve been doing for the last few years or how she conducts her own poly relationships with Moose and Hawk. I think if it came down to that being the case, I would have to bail as this would not be the way forward for me.

Per my response last response to the visanity0 - this is an ongoing thing that I have taken in stride for a few years... so, yeah, I’m feeling like I need to say something but kind of unsure of how to do it or even who to bring it up to. Or maybe I just need to block her on social media so I don’t see what she posts anymore....
 
It kind of sounds like the Covid-19 crisis is part of the problem for you. Up until then, her treatment of you on social media still bothered you, but not so much that you couldn't stand it. Now, you're kind of stuck if you're not invited to things they do together. I suppose you could try to wait out the Covid-19 crisis, and hopefully once it ended, you would be able to go back to being bothered, but not *too* bothered. On the other hand, maybe now that Covid-19 has shined a spotlight on this problem, you're not going to be able to just forget about it.

Based on all that you've written here so far, I am thinking that you do need to have a talk with her. Maybe you would open the conversation by saying, something like, "Badger, I noticed that in your last social media invite, you didn't include me. Was that intentional? If it was, is there something I did to offend you that made you not want to invite me? I was kind of hurt when I heard I wasn't invited." You can of course tweak what I just wrote there, to fit what you think would be the best way to bring it up to her. I'm just kind of brainstorming.
 
Knickers said:
Hi, thanks for your reply. I should clarify a few things- yes, I did move to their city about a year ago but before that I only lived 15 minutes drive away... and now I live 2 blocks away. So, it’s not like me and Moose had a long distance relationship before and Badger never saw me. The actual amount of time that Moose and I spend together has remained unchanged for years now.

And also maybe I used kitchen table wording wrong in my description- we’ve always been kitchen table altogether for the last 4+ years but I have been less integrated as part of the core family (Moose-Badger-Hawk) in terms of decision making and all together hang outs because I had my own whole family to contend with already.

I do hear what you are saying. I don’t expect her and I to be besties or anything like that. I am also not trying to encroach on her one on one time with Moose. But if they are all together, I want to be included. I don’t think this is wrong. I know Moose and Hawk want me around. I mostly do get an invite to most things by Moose and Hawk but it’s the social media thing that gets to me.
Click to expand...

It isn't wrong to want to be included but unless all three people are mutually excited about having you around for group activities, they aren't obliged to make that happen. I feel like you feel she is under that obligation and if I feel that as a total outsider, she might feel that too.

This is where you make decisions about this being something you have to have or can live without.

I like spending time with people who make me happy. Sometimes that means limited time with people who make those people happy. So I guess I enjoy being Queen Bee with people who I love and who love me too.
 
Knickers said:
I think Badger really liked how things were before I divorced my husband when I was more of someone to keep her husband entertained while she was with her girlfriend but otherwise I was mostly absent in their lives. She was kind of the queen bee with her two full time partners and them doing everything together and very out and open about it on social media. She has never said that she doesn’t want me around and is very welcoming to my face but her behaviors around including me in things and decisions tell me otherwise. My partner Moose is always great about including me and even Hawk goes out of her way to invite me along for things. But not Badger.

This morning Badger posted on FB about how she and Moose and Hawk were all going to be at some location this weekend and how friends should come for a socially distanced meet up. Of course, I was not included in her post even though she tagged Moose and Hawk and a bunch of friends. This is the kind of thing that happens regularly and it just eats me up inside and makes me start doubting myself and even my relationship with Moose. I have gone off social media for weeks at a time to avoid the feelings that come up when I see stuff like this.
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Honestly this sort of stuff - the navigation of social media and poly - is so very fubar even before quarantine. I have a meta (ArtistWife) who was willing to have her (now-ex)partner on social media with her and Artist but I wasn’t allowed to have him on FB because “I wasn’t as serious “ and didn’t have any intention of ever living with him / them. I don’t have an answer for you, unfortunately, it’s not something I’ve worked out really yet. But I definitely hear and empathize with you.
 
kdt26417 said:
It kind of sounds like the Covid-19 crisis is part of the problem for you. Up until then, her treatment of you on social media still bothered you, but not so much that you couldn't stand it. Now, you're kind of stuck if you're not invited to things they do together. I suppose you could try to wait out the Covid-19 crisis, and hopefully once it ended, you would be able to go back to being bothered, but not *too* bothered. On the other hand, maybe now that Covid-19 has shined a spotlight on this problem, you're not going to be able to just forget about it.

Based on all that you've written here so far, I am thinking that you do need to have a talk with her. Maybe you would open the conversation by saying, something like, "Badger, I noticed that in your last social media invite, you didn't include me. Was that intentional? If it was, is there something I did to offend you that made you not want to invite me? I was kind of hurt when I heard I wasn't invited." You can of course tweak what I just wrote there, to fit what you think would be the best way to bring it up to her. I'm just kind of brainstorming.
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Thanks Kevin- your words are very helpful :)

I just finished up having a lovely dinner with my polycule and per usual Moose invited me along to what Badger had posted about on social media. And Badger overheard him inviting me and says enthusiastically “oh yeah, you should definitely come along!” I think I just need to get off social media. I just keep thinking about how much I often come away feeling worse about myself or just feeling negative in general after being on there. Easier said than done during this strange time in history but I think my mental health might improve without it.
 
This is a really tricky situation. It sounds like it would help to block her or otherwise limit you seeing her updates, while you are using social media for keeping up your social connections in general.

I don't think you should talk with Badger about it. I think you should talk with Moose, if at all. Sounds like one problem is not being invited early on. You could raise this with Moose, e.g. "sometimes I hear about a social thing happening via a FB post of Badger's, where she says that you three are doing something. But sometimes I don't get invited personally til much later. It makes me feel like an afterthought / not a priority. But when the four of us are together I feel like we're a great team. Would you be able to extend invites to me earlier, or even include me in planning, if you're organising something that you'd like me to part of?"

Something like that, anyway.

Good luck with working through this.
 
fuchka said:
This is a really tricky situation. It sounds like it would help to block her or otherwise limit you seeing her updates, while you are using social media for keeping up your social connections in general.

I don't think you should talk with Badger about it. I think you should talk with Moose, if at all. Sounds like one problem is not being invited early on. You could raise this with Moose, e.g. "sometimes I hear about a social thing happening via a FB post of Badger's, where she says that you three are doing something. But sometimes I don't get invited personally til much later. It makes me feel like an afterthought / not a priority. But when the four of us are together I feel like we're a great team. Would you be able to extend invites to me earlier, or even include me in planning, if you're organising something that you'd like me to part of?"

Something like that, anyway.

Good luck with working through this.
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Thank you SO much, this is so so helpful :)
 
SEASONEDpolyAgain said:
It isn't wrong to want to be included but unless all three people are mutually excited about having you around for group activities, they aren't obliged to make that happen. I feel like you feel she is under that obligation and if I feel that as a total outsider, she might feel that too.

This is where you make decisions about this being something you have to have or can live without.

I like spending time with people who make me happy. Sometimes that means limited time with people who make those people happy. So I guess I enjoy being Queen Bee with people who I love and who love me too.
Click to expand...

Well, even the Queen can’t always have her way, or she will lose her followers.

If Badger doesn’t include me, this affects Moose in a negative way and that could damage their relationship. Life is full of give and take and I think inclusion and kindness are the best path forward.

Your advice seems to be, “get over it, she doesn’t like you, learn to live with it.” I know you only have the information that I have presented- but that is not the picture I see. What I see is that she does struggle with jealousy and insecurity with my relationship with Moose and her way of dealing with it is by leaving me out of the perfectly curated picture on her social media feed.

Since I’m finding it harder and harder to get over what she puts on social media, I think limiting what I see of hers is probably the best next step. But, if it came down to her not including me in family activities IRL, I would definitely work to try to fix that as my relationship with Moose means a lot to me.
 
Hey Knickers,
I have a few small comments, please bear with me:

1. You write that your relationship with Moose is your "primary relationship", but I've read a few of your older threats and got the feeling that it started out as more of a secondary relationship next to your husband that grew with time and with your divorce and the move.
I was wondering how this dynamic might have affected the relationship of Badger and Moose?
Does Moose still view you as a secondary to Badger? Does he consider you co-primary next to her? Has she been made aware of that or consulted on her feelings (often even in good relationships feelings of "demotion" spark a long tail of consious or unconscious consequences)? Do you maybe feel that though you see Moose as your primary relationship he doesn't treat you that way (e.g. by having his other partner "aknowledge" you in a certain way)?


2.
Knickers said:
Well, even the Queen can’t always have her way, or she will lose her followers.
If Badger doesn’t include me, this affects Moose in a negative way and that could damage their relationship. Life is full of give and take and I think inclusion and kindness are the best path forward.
Click to expand...

If Moose feels like this is negatively impacting their relationship, it is up to him - not you - to make that known. He doesn't seem to mind things how they are. I am wondering if you are maybe projecting your own insecurity about him beeing okay with this onto Badger?

3. Overall I would like to second SEASONEDpolyAgain; and advise you to see her advise with a little softer gaze: it's okay for Badger to want to have time with both her lovers present without others - after all, you are "only" in a relationship with Moose, she is in a relationship with both Moose and Badger. It makes sense she'd want her two lovers with her at times. Let's assume you'd plan a "romatic getaway" with Moose (your lover), maybe to a place close to where some old friends of yours live - would you also always invite Badger and Hawk?
She doesn't seem to explicitely dis-invite you, but leaves it more to Moose. Maybe she just feels that it is more his (Moose's) decision wether he wants you around or not and therefore his job to invite you?
 
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"Well, even the Queen can’t always have her way, or she will lose her followers."

That depends. Me and most people I know would divide their time as they see fit. That might mean less time with me to spend time with another partner because we don't enjoy each other's company but most of my longer term partners probably wouldn't alter what we have too much to cater to someone new who didnt fit in.

"If Badger doesn’t include me, this affects Moose in a negative way and that could damage their relationship."

Does it? I think you have missed a vital step. If Badger doesn't include you AND Moose feels that it is a problem in terms of how he wants to interact with you, THEN it might be a problem for their relationship. If Moose is happy to have time as a group without you and is still content with what time you do have, then it is only your relationship with Moose with the issue.

If my partner Jules chooses to spend time with me knowing I can't stand her friend, Stinky and won't be around her, then Stinky needs to take that up with Jules. Not me. I'm not going to be forced to be around her to facilitate their friendship and Jules is free to spend her time where she wishes.



"Life is full of give and take and I think inclusion and kindness are the best path forward"

I don't think anyone should feel entitled to spend social time in the company of the other just because they share a partner. That sounds entitled to me.

"and her way of dealing with it is by leaving me out of the perfectly curated picture on her social media feed."

We all have our struggles with polyamory and life generally. Why can't she choose to limit the time she spends with you to keep her negative feelings in check? Why should she feel obliged to facilitate your relationship at her expense?

"But, if it came down to her not including me in family activities IRL, I would definitely work to try to fix that as my relationship with Moose means a lot to me."

I'd use that word "family" sparingly. While many of the people in my family (chosen and inherited) are also Jules' family and vice versa, some are not. I don't see her other partners as family by default. I see them as family because I have an independent relationship with them and we cherish each other as the individuals we are.
 
Kindalosthere said:
Hey Knickers,
I have a few small comments, please bear with me:

1. You write that your relationship with Moose is your "primary relationship", but I've read a few of your older threats and got the feeling that it started out as more of a secondary relationship next to your husband that grew with time and with your divorce and the move.
I was wondering how this dynamic might have affected the relationship of Badger and Moose?
Does Moose still view you as a secondary to Badger? Does he consider you co-primary next to her? Has she been made aware of that or consulted on her feelings (often even in good relationships feelings of "demotion" spark a long tail of consious or unconscious consequences)? Do you maybe feel that though you see Moose as your primary relationship he doesn't treat you that way (e.g. by having his other partner "aknowledge" you in a certain way)?


2.

If Moose feels like this is negatively impacting their relationship, it is up to him - not you - to make that known. He doesn't seem to mind things how they are. I am wondering if you are maybe projecting your own insecurity about him beeing okay with this onto Badger?

3. Overall I would like to second SEASONEDpolyAgain; and advise you to see her advise with a little softer gaze: it's okay for Badger to want to have time with both her lovers present without others - after all, you are "only" in a relationship with Moose, she is in a relationship with both Moose and Badger. It makes sense she'd want her two lovers with her at times. Let's assume you'd plan a "romatic getaway" with Moose (your lover), maybe to a place close to where some old friends of yours live - would you also always invite Badger and Hawk?
She doesn't seem to explicitely dis-invite you, but leaves it more to Moose. Maybe she just feels that it is more his (Moose's) decision wether he wants you around or not and therefore his job to invite you?
Click to expand...

Hi, thanks for your comment. Yes, my relationship with Moose did start as a secondary relationship and then turned into a co-primary relationship around year 3 with everyone’s blessing, including my ex-husband. Similar to the evolution of Hawk and Badger’s relationship. From secondary to co-primary. Seems like this is common way things evolve, no?

As I’ve said before, Moose does treat me as co-primary. And IRL, Badger is warm and inviting to me and we talk together about us being a “family” altogether. Both Moose and Badger refer to me as a bonus parent to their child. Our children play together daily like siblings. We all grocery shop for each other and have “family” dinners together most nights. We are a blended family for all intensive purposes. We are each other’s emergency contacts. Is that a clearer picture?

Again, IRL I’m invited and feel welcome in general. I’m not trying to say that Badger can’t ever have her alone time with her partners - of course she can and she does. I was only responding to what the other poster said regarding Queen Bees in general. I don’t think many people enjoy the monarch-attitude. I think if Badger was acting like a Queen Bee IRL (not what is happening) and limiting Moose’s time with me a lot, I think their relationship would probably suffer.

I think there is just a weird disconnect for me with the social media. I don’t think I want to say anything to Moose or Badger about it. It seems simpler to just cut out the thing that makes me feel left out which is her social media feed. Also, like I said before, this was not such a problem for me pre COVID19 when I was able to more freely socialize with other friends and lovers.
 
I dont think wanting to spend time with the people closest to you at the exclusion of others makes you a Queen Bee in any sense. I was being facetious by referring to myself that way just for not inviting all my metamours on frequent group activities. That's up to their partners to do.

Badger cannot cannot limit your time with Moose. Only Moose can choose to do that.
 
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