MFM poly vees - where you at??

[LittleKetler]

Excuse my poor attempt at being cute and funny, I'm not very good at it. 😉 Lol!

I'm a little bit lost at the moment and I guess I'm hoping for some direction (or resources, or hugs! 😂 [the latter would be especially nice. Haha]). I'm struggling to find anything related to the MFM side of poly and I'm now wondering if I'm simply looking up the wrong things... Do you guys and gals have any suggestions on keyword searches or maybe know of any blogs, books or FB groups connected to this style of relationship, please? I feel a bit at sea with it, at the moment. 😕😔🧡

Thank you in advance. ❤

K. xx

 

[UNICORN324]

You are looking for a needle in a haystack when ur part of a community like poly u need to try be part of it as a whole not a sub-section

 

[Evie]

That's a fairly common configuration around here, although there is also some star shapes where F has more than two M partners.

I'm currently in an MFM V as my predominant relationship shape personally, although one of my Ms is himself the centre of a star. He is also a long distance partner whilst I live with my other partner.

There's also Bluebird (F) with 3 Ms, two of which are nesting partners all in one house, and Dagferi (F) with 2 Ms in different houses. And Kevin (M) who is a leg of a closed/poly-fi nesting MFM V.

There are a number of other mainly MFM V members here, too.

So, given that there are so many ways (these are still a tiny subset) to do an MFM V, what are you actually looking for? There are many recommended resources although many of them are good advice for polyamorous living in general.

Perhaps try The Ethical Slut.

Are you in a V but just starting out, or in a previous monogamous couple and have met someone else and are looking to form a V?

EDIT: I see from your post here that you are currently single. So does that mean you're looking to date new people with the intent of having two M partners? Is there any reason you think two is ideal? Some people are polysaturated at two, but others aren't.

We'll happily recommend appropriate resources or give advice if you have specific questions.

*Hugs*
Evie

 

[Evie]

when ur part of a community like poly u need to try be part of it as a whole not a sub-section

I agree, because we can learn from and be friends with people in all sorts of relationship shapes.

 

[Marcus]

EDIT: I see from your post here that you are currently single. So does that mean you're looking to date new people with the intent of having two M partners? Is there any reason you think two is ideal?

I would say this is the first bit here; investigate why you think MFM is the optimal configuration. It isn't a great idea to put configuration as a higher priority than the actual people in them, so I don't recommend taking this approach, but if you are going to I would suggest understanding your motivations.

Are other configurations off the table for you entirely? Do these theoretical people need to come as a package deal?

 

[icesong]

My _direct_ relationships are with two men right now; they of course have their own other relationships. So I’m not sure whether I’d meet your description or not.

 

[Evie]

It isn't a great idea to put configuration as a higher priority than the actual people in them...

I'd like to reiterate this.

This is also one of the reasons why experienced polyamorists tend to be dark on "unicorn hunters" who are "looking to add a third to our relationship". They often appear to be more interested in the relationship shape, and have preexisting notions of how it's going to work, than in the person they may meet.

Those preexisting notions are problematic because it means someone has to fit them rather than letting everything unfold in the manner it will.

You could have your own boundaries, such as you won't date people who aren't open to you dating others. That you are only seeking polyamorous relationship shapes could come up early in your conversations so anyone you date has the opportunity to give informed consent with regards to dating you.

You could afford you future partners the same relationship shape as you want and they could have other partners, too, making them hinges and thus creating a W shape, or longer if your metamours also have other partners.

 

[LittleKetler]

Thank you all for your replies!

@Evie: I apologise, I hadn't realised I was being vague! I am looking for a relationship like what you mention above - a poly-fi situation with at least two men. I'm open to more but felt mentioning two was the easiest and safest. I didn't want to cause any chaos. 😅😂 I'm open to more but would like a solid and stable relationship with at least two of them in a table-top MFM poly-fi dynamic. Some might say it's wishful thinking but I've v come across such dynamic and will keep hoping in the meantime. I'd also possibly be open to other configurations later but I think it may be a while before I get to that stage. I'm pretty straight, so any sexual intimacy between me and another woman is unlikely to be something I want (but I try to never say never, though it's very much off the radar right now). x

@Marcus: They definitely don't have to come as a package deal. 🙂 Though, that would definitely take the anxiety out of it for me knowing that they liked and knew each other well before me. I know that's a little in the realms of wishful thinking, but, like I mentioned above, I would like two of them to get along well enough to the point we could happily share a home. I want kids one day... and a tonne of snuggles on the sofa, in the meantime!

@UNICORN324: I hope the above helps show where I'm coming from, at the moment? I'm not closed off from the idea of being a part of the community as a whole and would love to connect with others. Romantically, I feel like a MFM vee is just what I'm looking for, at the moment. I'm not ready to go into MFMF dynamics, at the moment; I'm not ready for that emotionally, sorry. I want to be secure in my own relationship before considering that. Right now, I'm just trying to figure it out and read more about it until I'm comfortable to start dating again. Life hasn't been very forthcoming for such opportunities of late and I'm not even sure where to start looking now, considering what I'm looking for! 😆 x

I hope that answers your questions. ❤ Thank you guys so much for replying. x

 

[Evie]

Then perhaps read/listen to Polysecure by Jessica Fern.

It's my belief that one doesn't become secure in relationships by having them restricted, or by requiring a certain longevity from them before opening up. One is more likely to become secure in a relationship by developing a secure attachment style (consider doing this with a therapist...a boyfriend is not your therapist) and through effective communication with one's partner/s. Even better, being able to spend significant time in one's own company and nurturing personal interests is, imo, paramount to having successful relationships full stop.

When couples open up, we sometimes suggest they read this, whereas you have the advantage of not being so entangled with someone that it's become unhealthy. Keep it that way, keep your own self as a separate, vibrant, interesting, autonomously functioning human being that doesn't *need* to find their security in exclusivity.

Poly-fi is not in itself a bad thing, please don't mistake what I'm saying for that. Just be careful about your reasons for wanting that. It's not a good solution to any insecurities you already have.

And there are going to be men out there who would themselves be monoamorous but happy to be in a V relationship configuration. But they may be a little harder to find than men who practice polyamory in an egalitarian fashion.

 

[LittleKetler]

@Evie: Thanks. I'll check that out.

Thank you for the advice. I'll keep it all in mind.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello LittleKetler,

I am in an MFM poly-fi vee, we are cohabiting and match what you are looking for in every way except that we don't want kids. You might want to check out my blog, also you can ask me any questions and I will be happy to answer. MFM vees do happen, they are possible and in fact may be the most common poly configuration. Hang in there and don't lose hope.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[LittleKetler]

Thanks Kevin. x

 

[Token2]

I've fallen into this from a swinging background. It's kind of ideal for me, and works well for my guys who are both straight and without the capacity for extra relationships at the moment.

I have been with my hubby for 27 years, known the boyfriend for 2 but only called it a relationship since Easter I think. It's early days, we're all new to poly so it's a little challenging.

We've all got older kids, if none of us had kids, and we all wanted to live in the same towns I think we could live together. But also because boyfriend and I are pretty casual (both a little guarded) and we're 100kms apart it could fizzle out before getting that serious.

My hubby and I are super secure, open communicators, radically honest and not afraid to try new, possibly scarey, things. Boyfriend is adventurous and kind but several steps behind us on a few counts.

The sexual chemistry is really great, I live with hubby, date boyfriend solo and we also play as a 3some about 50% of the time I spend with boyfriend. One of my favourite things in the world is sleeping between them 'like I'm in a French movie'.

I'll be sad if it fizzles but I'm also excited now by the possibilities that poly brings. Hubby wants more of a 1 on 1 connection in his future when he finds a match.

 

[LittleKetler]

Hi @Token2, thank you for your message! I'm so glad you've found something that works for you and wish all of you all the best in this new journey! I totally understand the draw to it all and can see where you're coming from (though now I want to look up these movies you've been watching. Haha). Hope you're having a great weekend and can all be together soon. Enjoy! Little K. x

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

What do you envisage each guy gets out of this configuration?

 

[LittleKetler]

I can't tell you what the men in this situation get because I'm not the man in this situation. Lol. I can only tell you my own thoughts on this subject. 🙂

I will say, a man asked this same question on another board on this site, though and I'll reiterate what the other members said: only they can answer that question. No one can answer it for them. I can only offer my own thoughts of possible positives. 🙂

I imagine part of it, as it is for me, is getting to live their life the way they choose, without feeling the need to answer to anyone else about it. Knowing they are accepted among their partners, completely as they are, without fear of reprisal, scorn or judgement. 🙂🤷‍♀️ Perhaps, for them, it is also the easing of pressure on them to be everything one person needs? Perhaps it's the extra time they have to themselves, or having another person around to help with all of life's struggles and tasks, or someone to share the parenting of their children with? I can only guess in the same way I might for any other relationship style I have no experience in, such as being gay. You'd have to ask a poly-fi man your question but, my guess is, each will have a different answer. 🤷‍♀️ As with anything in life, I think it comes down to personal preference and inclination. 😊🤷‍♀️

I've been reassured MFM poly-fi relationships are fairly common though, so I'm happy to wait and see how things go. 🙂

If you get an answer to that question in the meantime though, please let me know. I'd be curious to hear the answers. 😊

I am curious though - do people ask the men of FMF poly-fi relationships the same question? 😊

Thank you for your question, @SEASONEDpolyAgain. 🙂

 

[LittleKetler]

A note for my first post on what I meant by having a 'stable' relationship before changing the dynamic:

I was thinking on the above this morning while getting ready for work and realised the wording I had used to explain what I meant by a "strong and stable" relationship may have caused some misunderstanding. 😅 Firstly though, for all those that commented on this, thank you. Your words helped me look at my feelings more closely and hopefully, will make more sense after this. 😊 When I'm talking about being in a strong and stable relationship, what I mean by that, is having enough time together in which to get to know each other before adding more people to the dynamic. Having time to get to know the general things about a person that you learn with every relationship - their likes, dislikes, how they feel about certain things, and so on. And perhaps that's standard but, as I'm rather new to this and it felt important for me to say. It takes courage to admit you want something the larger population does not (or chooses to not) understand and its brave to start taking the steps towards what you want.
And truthfully, I would like to have two 'steady boats' in my life at a minimum (lambast me if you will), but I like to think I'd be understanding and wouldn't stamp my feet and tell them 'no' if they decided they wanted to explore more. I'd just like to be able to call two my own, at the end of the day.

 

[Evie]

I'd just like to be able to call two my own at the end of the day.

If you're interested in ownership focused relationship models, have you considered engaging with the kink community? Fetlife isn't good for a lot of things these days, but it does have one of the best local events set ups and you can search your location and surrounding areas. There are often poly groups who advertise casual events, too.

(And in case you think this is some kind of obtuse response, I have a kink based ownership relationship with my long distance partner. It's not overt, but it works for us.)

 

[LittleKetler]

If you're interested in ownership focused relationship models, have you considered engaging with the kink community? Fetlife isn't good for a lot of things these days, but it does have one of the best local events set ups and you can search your location and surrounding areas. There are often poly groups who advertise casual events, too.

(And in case you think this is some kind of obtuse response, I have a kink based ownership relationship with my long distance partner. It's not overt, but it works for us.)

Thank you for your reply. 😊

I'm starting to get the feeling I'm communicating badly, here. Lol.😅😂 I didn't mean it in an ownership way, though I'm glad that works for you. 🙂 I simply meant it in the way they'd say it in old movies - I was just being over romantic in my choice of language, I think... xx

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Ketler,

There are a couple of movies that I am reminded of when I think of what kind of MFM vee you seem to be describing. The first one that comes to my mind is "Paint Your Wagon" (1969). Next, I think of "A Small Circle of Friends" (1980). And I have other favorite poly movies, but for some reason those are the two that stand out most in my mind when I think of what kind of polycule you are describing. You do not want to own anyone, you just want there to be lots of love, evenly distributed between two men who are friends with each other.

Regards,
Kevin T.