Michigan, and new to the idea :)

L

Livingsimply85

New member
Hi all! I don't even know where to start with this introduction...

My husband and I have been married 10 years. We have 3 kiddo's. We've also known each other our entire lives. Years ago, you couldn't convince me I would ever in a million years be open to Poly ANYTHING. I was insecure, and very territorial.

I feel at this stage in my life, I've really grown a lot. We're both Christian, so I'm just trying to understand what these thoughts mean to me/us. I love the idea of having another person in our family to love, and grow with. Another mom for our kids. And oddly enough, I love the idea of my husband having more babies. I cannot have any more, but with his time in service, he missed our babies being babies.

I guess I just don't know where to begin. We also both worry so much about how things like polyamory are viewed. We live in a small town in Michigan, and I don't know anyone at all in that kind of relationship. And the biggest worry is how it will affect our children if it were to get out. And, I don't know how it wouldn't get out if it were something we pursued seriously.

Anyway, I'm happy to be here. I look forward to learning more, and getting to know all of you <3
 
Welcome, LivingSimply! I think you’ll find this to be a supportive and engaging community. I encourage you to browse around some, and get a feel for all of the many different relationship configurations that fit under the ‘polyamory’ umbrella. It sounds like the first one you’ve heard of (like many do) is that of a pre-existing male/female couple that has an additional woman join their family. Certainly such relationships exist, and some are very happy, but I think you’ll find that it is not the only, or even the most prevalent poly situation.

My own situation is the ‘hinge’ partner in a MFM V; which is to say that I have two male partners in romantic and sexual relationships with me, who are friendly acquaintances with each other.

Best wishes on your journey!
 
Hi LivingSimply - and welcome to the Forum! We have lots of experienced poly folks here who are mostly friendly and helpful - so please do not hesitate to share any specific thoughts or questions that you may have. The General Poly Discussion and Poly Relationship Corner sections are always quite active. You may also find the Spirituality section helpful as well.

Sunray expressed this very well:

I encourage you to browse around some, and get a feel for all of the many different relationship configurations that fit under the ‘polyamory’ umbrella. It sounds like the first one you’ve heard of (like many do) is that of a pre-existing male/female couple that has an additional woman join their family. Certainly such relationships exist, and some are very happy, but I think you’ll find that it is not the only, or even the most prevalent poly situation.
Click to expand...

While the public perception of poly is most often the married couple adding another woman to their marriage - and often the first option that comes to mind for the couple considering opening their marriage (because at first blush, it does seem quite logical), in reality such situations are among the less common poly configurations (although, as Sunray stated, some do happily exist).

There are a couple of reasons for the scarcity of this configuration. First, the available "single" women who are willing to join this type configuration are so rare that they are commonly known as "unicorns" (that is, they are so scarce they might as well be a mythical creature). Secondly, as one looks deeper into what this configuration actually looks like, ethical considerations arise. These concerns are very intelligently addressed in this thoughtful article: https://davidlnoble.livejournal.com/176039.html

The most common configuration for couples who open their marriage seems to be one in which each partner dates independently. This is what my wife and I do, although, of course, we each are aware of the other's partners (that being part of the defining quality of polyamory - "the knowledge and consent of all involved"). I'm having dinner with my wife and her boyfriend tomorrow evening before they go out on their overnight date. And I will be flying to Vegas to spend a weekend with my girlfriend next month.

There are a number of MFM V's here also - some who live together and others who do not. Discussions here have indicated this is actually a more stable configuration than the FMF V or Triad, the conclusion being that women are better at managing multiple relationships and men are better at sharing. :)

Here's a link to a collection of excellent poly sites that you might find useful:
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=108191

There are also a number of good books on poly. The one I recommend most as an introduction to poly for the couple considering opening their marriage is: Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships by Tristan Taormino, available from Amazon in hard copy or ebook.

Again, welcome - and best of luck on your journey! Al
 
Greetings Livingsimply85,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

It sounds like you are open to having a female join your marriage, but you have some concerns, one of which is how it will affect the kids when word gets out. (When, not if.) I can't give you any guarantee that there would be no fallout. Polyamory is not yet widely accepted in this world of ours, there will be people who do not approve. But some other people will probably be accepting, so you just have to decide if this is worth it to you. Certainly you can read and post on this forum and get more info. That will help you to make your decision. As for where to start, OKCupid is probably your best bet.

I'm glad you could join us!
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
Off the top of my head, and having practiced polyamory exclusively for about 10 years now (on and off before then, even before it had a name), I do not personally know of one successful one man/2 women live-in triads.

We've had some trolls here who insist they are in a configuration like this, or with even more "sister wives," with some girl on girl action, or a lot of it, but they've been exposed as liars and shit stirrers.

I was dating a guy for a while who had a live-in gf and two other gfs, then he added me and dropped one of the women. He wasn't breeding with anyone of us. We only dated a short while. His life was too frantic, trying to care for 3-4 women, and his 2 children and one of his gf's 2 children.

I also went on a couple dates with a guy who already had 2 gfs. He lived with one of his gfs. The other woman lived about 30 miles away, but the 3 had bought a house they planned to move into together in a couple years. One of his gfs wasn't happy with him trying to date a 3rd woman (me) though, and vetoed me.

Currently I am seeing a guy (BigGuy) who is a newlywed, lives with his wife and their blended family from prior marriages, and he also has one other gf besides me. He's very sweet, gregarious, gentle, spiritual, as far as I know so far. He seems to manage his time with all of us well. And he is very present when he is with me. So, he lives with his wife, and his 2 gfs live about 45 minutes away from him, in different directions.

My other male dating partner (Ravi) is married with one child. They have one child. His wife doesn't want anymore children. I'm still not sure I mesh with him... he isn't really communicative enough. But maybe he'll get better. I am his first foray into polyamory.

Personally, I live with my female partner of 10 years. She is a hinge in a V with me and her bf of 5 years, who lives in the next town. She splits her time with him and me, currently, 3 days with him, 4 days with me. She's an excellent hinge and we have absolutely no issues with this arrangement.

So anyway, this idea of one man, 2 women, where the women may or may not have sex, but they all cohabit and maybe both women have kids by the guy, and the newer "wife" also helps care for the house and the original couples' children, while also knowing her place as a sort of second class citizen who has to follow the rules of the original couple... nah. It's a myth and a fantasy that I've never seen actual evidence of working out. Sure, sometimes married couples find a Hot Bi Babe to have a few threeway sexual encounters with, but generally this couple uses the HBB as a sex toy who is disposable at the first hint of her asserting her needs and desires as equal to theirs.

She has no legal or financial protections for herself or for any children she already has, or may have with the man in the triad. This is a huge problem.

And as you mentioned, if they are in a small conservative town, with little privacy, she will be socially ostracized.
 
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