Mind says yes, body says no

S

starflower

New member
Hi, I would be really grateful for some advice from you lovely people, please.
I am a woman happily married to another woman for 10 years. Last year she told me she wanted to open our relationship as she was craving a kink dynamic again after 15 years away from the scene. This was totally unexpected for me and I felt hurt that she had been unhappy for months but didn't talk to me about it, and in fact had denied anything was wrong when I tried to talk to her about our sex life. As I am not a sadist, I eventually consented to her fulfilling this need elsewhere.

After a short period of having an open relationship we agreed to only have sex with each other, but she could play with others. My problem is that although I want my wife to be happy and fulfilled, and I trust her, and our communication is good, I find that when she comes back from playing I don't want to be intimate with her for several days. I find her bruises and marks a turn off and can't bear to be near her even though she is very caring and loving to me.

Why can't I just be happy for her and accept this like I would if she needed to do any other form of endophin creating activity like running etc? I'm sorry, I probably haven't explained things very well, but I'd be really grateful for any ideas, thank you.
 
I am sorry you struggle.

I find that when she comes back from playing I don't want to be intimate with her for several days. I find her bruises and marks a turn off and can't bear to be near her even though she is very caring and loving to me.
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Is this about sharing sex with her? Or can't stand to even see her? That is 2 different things. (Or is it about something else?)

If this is about sex share? If it turns you off to see marks and bruises and don't want to share sex for a few days til they fade down some? I think it is ok to have that preference. You have certain things that turn you off and certain things that turn you on. It is what it is. Everyone has their preferences for sex share.

I suppose you could ask her if she's willing to limit marks to her back or keep some clothes on or similar so you don't have to see them during sex share? Would that help any?

Otherwise could wait the few days for them to fade down and be ok with waiting.

Galagirl
 
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I had a similar issue when Hubby was dating someone who often left marks (not in a kink-way, just hickies or scratch marks). While the occasional hickey doesn't bother me, I had negative feelings towards this partner and the marks made me think of her which killed my libido instantly.

In our case, it was a "wait until they faded" situation. He did limit marks to where they would be covered by a shirt so that we could cuddle, but if he tried to leave a shirt on during sex I knew why it was there and the same though process would start again.

The root cause of our issue is that I didn't like the person doing the marking - she made choices that I found unethical, and we just did not get along. Marks left by other people had never been an issue. I would try to find the root cause. Is it that you are still recovering from the hurt of finding out about her unhappiness? Is it discomfort with the activities she engages in? Is it the person(s) she associates with? Is it just the visual? Once you figure out the actual thing triggering your reaction, then you can take steps to overcome it.
 
Thank you, GalaGirl and AlwaysGrowing. Yes it is about sex and any kind of intimacy like kissing or cuddling. I stiffen up, it's like an involuntary reaction. Which is sad because she comes home happy and horny and I would like to be able to share that with her!

I am thinking about the root cause of my discomfort - I have no problem with her partner, some distaste for their activities but that's my wife's choice and not for me to dictate. She does make an effort to cover up but I know the bruises are there so it doesn't help that much. I guess it boils down to me feeling a bit inadequate, like I'm not enough for her?

Maybe it's ok to just wait a few days until the feelings and the marks fade. Thank you both for the reassurance.
 
Totally agree with everything people have said so far.

Also, I'm going to say, since I am a masochist and I have some experience with this stuff... If she routinely gets marked on her bottom from impact play, she will reach a point where she can take quite a beating on her bum and have no marks or bruises. The skin just stops bruising so easily over time, if it's the same area over and over, for some reason. Like I'm not saying it gets all tough and weird, still feels the same, just does not mark without very VERY serious effort.

Most masochists love their marks. She might be sad that you have the reaction that you do to it, because for her, they may be a thing to be proud of. I know it seems really weird. But for some of us it's..."look at me, I am a badass, I took that!" It's also a reminder of something we really enjoyed. So try to keep that in mind and attempt to not display your disgust if you can help it, too obviously. It's ok if you're not into this and don't really get it. We've got a saying, "your kink is not my kink and that's ok"...but it can be important to really accept your partner even if what they're into isn't your thing. In fact sometimes getting various needs met in areas where we don't connect well is an excellent foundation for poly relating, so long as we can continue to be respectful of the needs of our partners.

If partner has a need and you CAN'T be respectful to that need, because it's not only foreign to your tastes, but foreign to your personal values, then that crosses into an area of serious incompatibility. That's different.

So anyways back to what I was saying before, I don't know exactly what kind of play she is into but it IS possible that over time she won't mark up as much and you might even be able to request that she negotiate scenes with this in mind, to try and stick to impact on her bottom for instance and if she's got a regular top, then they can keep in mind when it's ok to leave marks and when it's not. That sort of thing.
 
Spork said:
If she routinely gets marked on her bottom from impact play, she will reach a point where she can take quite a beating on her bum and have no marks or bruises. The skin just stops bruising so easily over time, if it's the same area over and over, for some reason.
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This is my experience, too. Belts, whips, floggers, etc do not usually leave marks on my bottom/legs any more. Of course, if it's biting, scratching, needle play, etc, that she's into, then she'll likely continue to mark.
 
I agree with all that has been said.

You could also try the counter-intuitive approach, and next time she brings marks, give them a long look. Try to do so in a spirit of relaxed acceptance, put aside judgement and without thinking about the cause just see how they really look like. Notice the feelings that come up within you, and again, be welcomming to them without much thinking (you don't even have to give them names). Then you can just rest, hug her, whatever feels comfortable in the moment.
These experiences tend to be transformative to your thinking and feeling, you may find that your reaction has changed on the next occasion.
 
I tend to feel similarly after my partner has come home from spending sexy time with someone else. Sometimes it just feels like she's different, or I'm different, and I don't feel as connected to her as usual. Although I try not to, I tend to express that feeling by wanting a physical distance between us. I think a lot of people do, and its not necessarily a bad thing. For me it helps me to recognise when I'm feeling emotionally distant, and sometimes that's half the battle. My partner does find it very upsetting though, and it feels like a rejection to her, but over time a) those feelings have lessened in me, and b) we've also both developed better ways of handling it. She knows that I need a bit of space from her before she initiates physical closeness, but also that that doesn't mean I am suffering or super-unhappy. I know that her wanting to reach out to me is a genuine feeling (and not out of pity or remorse), and also that it's okay to listen to my body at times and not force myself to pretend. This is not a situation where one should 'fake it til they make it'.

I think one thing that has really helped is having a kind of 'coming home ritual'; perhaps something that is tailored specifically to you guys could help you? For instance, I have a super sensitive sense of smell, and I was getting triggered by her coming home smelling of her partner's body/washing powder/deodorant, so before we attempt any form of interaction, she tends to hit our shower first. Then unless it's very late, we will talk through what kind of evening we've both had (like we would any other day) whilst holding each other, and I find that usually within a couple of minutes I will start to feel better and we can snuggle closer. Even though she doesn't have the same sensitivity, I find that I quite like having a shower on my own to mentally switch gears between partners too, and then slowly get closer to her again. It becomes part of welcoming each other home.

If a bit of space is what you need then advocate for it. Although some people really rate having sex immediately after a date, I've found that it's best to wait a day or two, and instead focus on making space and time for intimacy *before* a date. I like to feel like we are both in the same headspace for sex to feel good, and even though I am sometimes left feeling alone and horny when she's out with someone else, I tend to not want any attention from her right at that moment. If we've had some good connected sex before her date however, that goes a long way towards mitigating that feeling. Being able to talk broadly about whether she had a good time, where did they go for dinner, how her other partner is doing, etc, also helps me to feel back to normal as well. Maybe you guys need to play around a bit and see what works. If it's marks on her body specifically, then as others have said, perhaps there's scope for limiting that to specific areas? I have also heard of someone who's partner is into a kink she is not into, and she likes to 'kiss his bruises better'. It might sound silly, but I think it's cute, and I suspect it makes her feel better since she worries about his play with his Domme going too far and thoroughly inspecting the marks can reassure her that they are just light bruises and nothing to worry about. Either way, keep talking to your partner about it and include her in the brainstorming of ways to better handle her transitions between partners. It's nothing to be ashamed about, and she might have some great suggestions.
 
sportanla dual

Thank you everyone, you have given me lots to think about. TenK everything you have written here is really helpful and resonates so much. I'm glad the consensus seems to be that it's ok that I feel like this, I was worried I was being really selfish and mean for needing some space after her play dates.

I guess we'll keep talking and hopefully it will feel easier with time.
 
If your partner is willing, many of my masochist friends find Arnica (found in health food stores and pharmacies) is helpful in getting bruises to heal and go away faster. It's not prescription. Of course, it's a natural remedy, not evaluated by the FDA so your mileage may vary, etc.
 
I would probably kiss bruises if I found some :D
 
Hi starflower,

Many people have experienced similar reservations to the ones you're feeling, you're not necessarily doing something wrong. If you continue to have heartfelt discussions with your wife, the two of you may be able to think of some solutions, and at the least feel a bit better about the situation.

I know that's not much, but I just thought I would encourage you in general.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
starflower said:
Thank you, GalaGirl and AlwaysGrowing. Yes it is about sex and any kind of intimacy like kissing or cuddling. I stiffen up, it's like an involuntary reaction. Which is sad because she comes home happy and horny and I would like to be able to share that with her!

I am thinking about the root cause of my discomfort - I have no problem with her partner, some distaste for their activities but that's my wife's choice and not for me to dictate. She does make an effort to cover up but I know the bruises are there so it doesn't help that much. I guess it boils down to me feeling a bit inadequate, like I'm not enough for her?

Maybe it's ok to just wait a few days until the feelings and the marks fade. Thank you both for the reassurance.
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I think you answered your own question. It's common for a vanilla partner to have feelings of inadequacy. You are probably thinking there is something your partner needs that you can't fulfill. The marks just serve as a reminder of that. There is also the jealousy and insecurity attached to the rule of not having sex with others.

I went through the same thing with my wife. She didn't have the visual thing because I'm a sadist, but she knew I had play partners. She didn't have a problem with my vanilla partners, but was insecure about my play partners because, in her mind, they had something she didn't.

She finally got that this was something I needed, but I wasn't looking to leave her for it. We had too much together. Hopefully your wife can help you feel the same. Just focus on the fact she is remaining with you because she loves you.
 
thoughts from a therapist working with primarily kink oriented lesbians...

I would ask you to consider context: if your partner returned home from say, rock climbing with significant marks, but reported feeling more grounded, elated, while sore, would you feel the same set of turn offs?

Is it because you and/or your partner link BDSM to sexual acts that makes this feel icky?

Sometimes, understanding why we are reacting to a stimulus makes it easier to work out the answer.

All the best~
 
Thanks for your thoughts. The 'rule' of not having sex with others was mutually agreed after a trial period of opening the marriage, which didn't feel right for either of us. It's not something I imposed on her like a jealous ultimatum or anything.

However I realise I do need to just accept there are some things she needs that I can't give her, and make my peace with that. You are right that she makes a choice every day to be with me because she loves me.

I think the difference between BDSM and sports/activites like rock climbing, is the level of intimacy, trust and vulnerability between the participants, and that tweaks my insecurities. Recognising this is hopefully a good step to dealing with the feelings better. It's been really helpful to post here and read everyone's replies, thank you again x
 
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